Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Life truly is busy today

i am a horrible blogger!! i am going to give you all the excuses in the book, and the fact is they are true!!

ok so we went to see Santa Claus!! That was very important, now I have to find a Pop the Pig game and no idea where to look! Then we reserved the hall for the wedding, ordered the invitations, my sister got her matron of honor dress, haley got strep, now gillian has strep, girl scouts is friday, the beans birthday is on Thursday her party is on Saturday, still havent wrapped one single present, Have to make a calendar for girlscouts, worked on artwork for a new years t-shirt, got a petition going and started to keep my nephews school open.

got the office functional that took a whole saturday, then got the spare room functional that took 2 days!! We had a party for Christmas, need to reschedule Wes appointment for tuxedo rental. Did some more online shopping.

Now i need to deliver a medications list i created for a sponsee, pick up party decorations for the birthday party, bake cookies and cupcakes for this party, send out christmas cards, wrap birthday presents and christmas presents, deliver the petitions, finish my wedding invitations, they are the do it yourself kind, figure out what kind of flowers i want to make a bouqet, send out the invites, order Wes's tux, i don't think he wants to wear one but i am going to be a bridezilla on this one. hit some meetings, a new years dance, have a bridal shower, oh and keep up this blog. i know there is something i forgot, but i have to go, i feel like a 'human-doing' instead of a 'human-being'. so i need to slow down.

if i slow down this afternoon i will sit here and try to read up on some of you all!! oh and i have to share this

the other day Wes was home from work and he was on the couch reading the newspaper, the bean was sitting next to him with part of the newspaper she was reading (upside down) while she hummed 'it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas'. i sat there and stared with delight and what a wonderful picture it was... i just love this time of year... Q

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

ok so its been more than 3 days...sorry

life is moving so fast!! wedding plans are coming in my bridesmaid and maid of honor have finally bought their dresses!! my fiance is getting fitted for a tuxedo!! we have ordered the invitations and going to reserve the place thursday!!

oh my gosh i think i am finally getting married!!!

i have been planning two birthday parties, haley will be 6 on the 28th and the bean will be 5 on the 15th. so one will be on the 17th and one on the 28th. we are having a get together here on the tenth and my bridal shower is on the 7th of january.

we still need the rings, music and pictures. i had a friend set up for pictures but i don't think they are going to do it same for the music. i am really in a bind because i want pictures really badly and don't have the equipment to do it myself, or the funds to hire a professional. as far as the music goes the place is small so we can probable supply our own with someone pushing the buttons.

we are planning christmas dinner and still have some last minute shopping to take care of, i would like a sugar free fudge recipe that actually works and doesn't break the bank, sf marshmallow cream is 12 bucks plus shipping... anyway hope this finds you well have to look up tuxedo rentals that leaves the thought for the day

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

not sure how to proceed

i have stopped blogging for several months now. my main reason is my younger sister is stalking my blog to post negative things about me on the internet. she has stopped since i stopped blogging, and i don't go looking for her. i know i shouldn't let myself be bullied off this blog sight but there is so much going on and this journal has been so personal that i just didn't want her reading anything about me. 


however i am still getting people commenting and following me and it is a truly humble thing. you guys have meant so much to me over the past couple of years and i ran away. but then again that is an addicts m.o. our motto is F.E.A.R. (fudge everything and run) in recovery though we are taught  new acronym for F.E.A.R. and that is Face Everything And Recover. 


life has changed so much for me in these last 6 years, I have a beautiful family, a magnificent home, a wonderful partner and a feeling of overwhelming peace i never thought was possible. there is still more though, more to come and more to face. today i am full of hope, it is my favorite time of the year, the season started off with a bang, literally. Wes got a pellet rifle for his birthday.


My trees are up and my halls are decked, hit the black friday thing, no walmart, yay. kids are growing fabulously. we just got a new front load washer and dryer, they rock!! samsung. our new 50 inch television for the downstairs family room will be arriving on thursday. black friday shopping is a blast i tell ya! i guess what i am trying to say here is i will be making a conscious effort to post at least 3x's a week. will try to load some pictures of my little patch of heaven soon. and thank you so much for not giving up on me.


hope you all have a marvelous day, i will try to catch up on blog posts this afternoon...


me

today's thought:"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."--Raymond Lindquist

Thursday, July 21, 2011

it's been a while, just some giggles

these are too funny not to pass along; notes from the edge of the world....

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Arc wasn't leaving until 5.
Sincerely,
the Unicorns
~~~~

Dear Twilight Fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead they have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

~~~~


Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
~~~~

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada 
~~~~
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google 
~~~~
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985 
~~~~
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP 
~~~~
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring around it.
Sincerely,
God 
~~~~
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder 
~~~~
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
Sincerely,
Black people 
~~~~
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin 
~~~~
Dear Osama Bin Laden,
Marco....
Sincerely,
United States 
~~~~
Dear World of Warcraft,
Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity.
Sincerely,
Parents Everywhere 
~~~~
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman 
~~~~
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies 
~~~~
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol 
~~~~
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans 
~~~~
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans 
~~~~
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User 
~~~~
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore 
~~~~
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely, 
Elephant
 
Thanks for sticking around everyone, will post more after move to new home on August 5!!

Friday, May 27, 2011

friday post

my body aches from head to toe my fingers are blistered from heat gun my house looks like an abandoned shack 4 days and three helpers sure make a difference. stripping off paint from such an old house causes me pain and hours of doubt that this will never be complete. soon this chore will be finished though and my prize is my dream house waiting for us. inspection is rescheduled and the sellers have been warned.


 i have help all weekend and then on Wednesday and Thursday my sister is coming her husband is such a big help, even my baby brother tried to help out. my honey has been working all week and was worried, we would not get much done. i should say he was worried i would not get much done. been out every morning at 9 in the am, just got in and realized i missed flash fiction Friday again. sorry g!! gonna have to wait until the move is complete. 


i realize there are people who are obsessed with what i write and will twist every single thing i say. yes i am still having issues with family. well i may not be able to stop them from reading my posts, and i am also not going to allow them to run me out of my blog. i have been worried about posting anything with such rage and anger aimed at me. what can i say, being me has created a lot of enemies in my life. and while they may obsess and continue to spew hate at me via the internet, i just don't need to read what they say. i am committing myself to avoid said cyberspaces to save what little sanity i have managed to create in my insane brain.


i am just exhausted. my back is spasming right now, i think i need a heating pad... 


that just leaves me with today's thought; "What worries you, masters you."- Haddon W. Robinson

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

morning update

well i have been excused from jury duty. hooray. it rained some last night, we were blessed not to see any tornados. oklahoma got hit and so did my friends in larned kansas. there were a few tornado's last night. so i guess i was supposed to be home with my girls instead of at an inspection. they were pretty scared. it is gloomy out today, i will make some oatmeal and have some coffee and wait for my helpers. we will start stripping the paint again today. We were out there after dark last night. when the rain stopped we started.


not much else to talk about. i did not got to the regional business meeting last month, i am glad to have missed it we put an offer on our new home that weekend. i was finished with my work there and they didn't want my humble opinions anyway. i need to figure out how to sell this avon. not doing so well with it.


i think sometimes i am not cut out for such things as retail sales. then other days i can do really well with it. some of the  tactics these women are telling us to do are just not for me. i would like to get into presidents club, however i don't think i am willing to sell to people who are not really interested. i have this one gal for instance, she decided to order some perfume, now she won;t call me back. so i can't deliver yet i still owe for the product and it is going to cost me to send it back. sell i am going to send it back. and give her number to my sister. if she wants to order then that happens to be a product my sister actually keeps in stock, i don't have stock i did not start selling to spend money, i am trying to make money. now i have a couple of customers who order and then when i tell them the orders are in they come here and pay me, no driving around trying to find them, using up my gas, and it works out well. if i find a few more like that it would be fun to sell avon.


heading to get some fresh coffee and check on my peeps. gotta call some different inspectors and get my realtor on the line and set up another inspection this week. i am not waiting until the last minute to get this done. 
todays thought; "One can't have wisdom without living life."- Kianoush

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

inspection update

my inspection got cancelled apparently nobody contacted the seller to schedule this. she would not let the inspector in the house. i don't get it, we have 10 days after signing the contract, which we did last week on the 17th. am i supposed to contact this lady? i thought that was the realtor's job. i mean really we scheduled this last week i did it myself. i was told we were good to go. now my agent is saying next week. well i don't have until next week i am contacting a new inspector and she can send an alternate if she is busy. i am pissed off right now.

we are stripping paint off the house now. he is out there, the storm passed and he went back out to strip more paint. i am watching 4 kids in the house right now and i feel completely useless. will post picks as soon as we get in the house for inspection.

gotta call in to jury duty now and see what else i need to do to complete my civil duty.

tuesday, some honest ramblings

well i talked with my auntie yesterday. it was good to laugh with her. she was my mothers best friend. we both miss her very much. we discussed what my sister said about her and both of us had a laugh. we also discussed what she said about me, in her little blog she called me a 'crack-whore' and said that i was a bad person who couldn't stand the truth. well if you have been following me long you know the truth is pretty much what i stand for.


so i told her if she was going to say things about me she needed to get it right. first off i was never a crack- whore. i hated crack that was the one drug i couldn't stand i shot up meth. second, i never sold my body for dope, i robbed retail stores. so if your going to say anything about this little recovering addict please, get it right. and by the way i have paid my restitution and my last time getting high was january 7, 2005. january 8 is my clean date. currently i am on step 9 and yes i need a meeting. i am in intensive therapy and working on myself very well.


some of the things this girl said was that i am a bad mother and that i owe her thousands of dollars. i don't owe her anything. she tried to blackmail me about two years ago to give her money because she was being kicked out of her apartment. then she drove to california where she proceeded to bleed my auntie dry. she brought her children and lived off her for a month. my auntie had to have her move. she owes my auntie money and left town whithout saying anything, now that my auntie has cut her off of money she has turned on her has well.


it is really sad how she lies about everyone in our family. she gets a little bit of the truth and twists up the rest so she can get people to think she is a victim. we all were victims growing up in that house, really. we all survived somehow. i know my sister is angry and now she has burned bridges. my auntie begged me not to tell her of my new big house or she would she up at my doorstep. i said no way would i let her in the house. her m.o. is to claim so and so tried to rape her and we let them. i say 'so and so' because if you ask her everyone tried so far and you know cause she is such a catch. i am a rape survivor and look down upon women who use it as a weapon. my sister is one of those who does this and if i ever let her in my house she would say my man tried to rape her. the only reason she hasn't said that now is because they have never met. so she simply said he is an asshole.


in any case i am back to blogging this is my realm, i have my peeps who have seen me post in bpd mode and come out of it. yes i said it and i have been diagnonsensed with 'borderline personality disorder'. there i said it. and i am proud to say i am not on medication and the intensive group and dialectical therapy seem to work wonders. i really am grateful for it. i am sure my older sister has it, and my little brother may have been misdiagnosed with bi polar because i think his is more borderline. the difference between bi-polar and borderline is that bi-polar cycles last weeks even months, borderline hit fast and hard last for a few hours or a day and then you come out of it and feel better, sort of. i always feel bad that it happened.


i am ok with my self today. my brother and sister, the ones here in the same state as myself, no matter how much we get angry, we are always here for each other. it is like we have an understanding that we all grew up in hell together and this is the by product and we try to be here for each other as best we can. my little sister i swear has sociopath tendencies. it scares me how different her sickness is. i hope she finds good things but i will not let her near my children without an apology to my aunt, myself and my siblings. she has said terrible things about my parents and that is fine, i know they did the best they could, but seriously they should have done better, also she needs to show some kind of proof that she is in serious therapy to deal with her issues. i am not trying to be judgemental but i have seen and read what she has posted and the lies are dangerous and i need to protect my family. my little ones are not going to continue the cycle. i model good behavior and they are amazing because of it. i don't need to add dangerous elements in their life today. that is what happened to us as kids my folks allowed bad people in and they ignored the truth.


we have inspection on our house today. i will take pictures to post so you can see how wonderful this home is!! we have people helping us strip the paint off this house so we can get it sold. hopefully the outside will be painted before closing in June.


oh and i called into jury duty, i am a stand by juror and they said to call back after 5pm, so i did that last night and thery told me to call again today after 5pm. i swear this reminds me of when i first got clean and i had to call my P.O. for random pee tests. has anyone else pulled jury duty? is it like this everywhere? it kind of sucks. ok i gotta make some coffee so i can catch up on everyone out there. hey g-man just got your comment!! i miss you too!!!


todays thought; "When we fall on the ground it hurts us, but we also need to rely on the ground to get back up."- Kathleen McDonald

Monday, May 23, 2011

I am here

Gosh it has been over a month. So much has happened. I have decided to continue blogging. Before I go on I must say I blocked someone from seeing my blog. While I do not believe in censorship, I do believe in keeping my sanity. 


To me it is like shutting off Fox news. I don't watch that channel. Drives me crazy how those people perpetuate lies about the nation to get their republican goals met. Like when they wanted the president to be deemed un-American, the birther crap. Well no matter how much you say it isn't true, the fact remains he was born in the United States, your lies can't change that. So instead of arguing with a television set, or bringing up these inane controversies, like the teachers union making too much money at 56,000 per year (by the way the teachers in my state barely clear 24,000), when 6 months ago these same people were spewing that those who made over 250,000 were in poverty so we would extend the bush tax cuts is a complete lie. Just thinking about it gets me stirred up, so I simply don't watch it and I try not to engage. I am aware though.


The same goes for the person I blocked. They are family and insane and spewing insane lies and backpedaling. When she saw that I deleted myself as a follower she chose to lash out against me. I am simply not wanting to watch her spew lies and put herself into this self made isolating prison. She has said lies about my whole family and that is simply what her life has brought her to. She knows nothing of me and my family yet she tried to blackmail me into sending her money, then lied to my niece about never doing that. She lies so much that she wouldn't know the truth even if it fell out of the sky landed on her face and wiggled. I do not wish her harm I wish her well. She has no financial future, and now has completely burned every bridge in the family. Reading her lies makes me as mad as watching Fox news. Just because she wrote it does not make it true. Yet it makes me just as angry and I don't need anger in my life today. So to protect myself I need to distance myself and allow her to do what she feels is best for herself. Nothing I can say will change her she has to find her own way in life and now she has to do it alone.


As for wes, I can't really talk about it, my brother posted his full name on facebook, he meant well but it was not good, as he said my honey has 'acute leukemia' and he does not have that,  that kind is a death sentence. But to post stuff like that on the internet, particularly facebook, where potential employers look people up could deem him unemployable. Even though that is illegal we all know it goes on. The good news is he is not dying.


Even better we bought a house!! 2500 square feet of heaven!! it is so beautiful. We close on June 24th. We have been super busy packing and getting this home ready to sell. I will continue to keep you posted and try to play on Friday. Group therapy ends on Thursday it is my last session with the group and I am sad. I have had a wonderful time learning about this disease I have and working with these people who struggle much the same way I do.


By the way I received a summons in the mail, I m a 'stand by juror'. Don't know what that means but I have to call in a couple of hours to see if I have to report. So I need some breakfast and a shower, working on the house all day yesterday got me sun burnt and stinky!! I think it would be cool to be a juror. a decider of fate. plus I am nosy!!


OK well I am going to make some wonderful fresh roasted Costa Rica coffee and catch up on my peeps. Thanks for sticking around!!


Today's thought; "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman

Saturday, April 16, 2011

holding my breathe

ever notice sometimes, when life is going on how you suddenly think 'hey this ain't so bad'. you get that special moment of clarity and all seems right with the world. i am not thinking that all my issues are gone, i am just thinking all is right, as it should be. i think that is called gratitude.

and yet sometimes i get crippled with fear, anxiety that something is wrong. something with someone i love, usually my children, and my head gets crazy. i stop and pick up the phone. 99% of the time the first number i call is wes. i call him first he is my best friend , my biggest cheerleader and strongest support. i love him like no other. sometimes i call my sponsor, usually when wes doesn't answer because he is in a meeting.

i took the kids to the zoo today, it was beautiful. and my 'a' had her big dance and we dressed her up and she was so amazing. i took a ton of pictures. i love days like today enjoying the sun and walking. i got some great pictures of the tigers up close. i think they were eyeballing my haley for lunch, however there was a glass partition so they could not get her. she adored them too. though not in the same way...

this weeks therapy was very appropriate. Distress Tolerance. Practicing distraction from a situation that is hijacking your day. not something to be done on a regular basis, just until the crisis passes so you can look at it with a clear head.

wes told me on thursday that the doctors office called and left a message for him to call them back. i told him it was probably nothing. after therapy wes called me and told me there was something in his blood and it could be nothing but they were sending him to a specialist to make sure. he said he had to prod the doctor to find out what it was because he would have gone into a tailspin thinking he was dying if the doctor didn't tell him what he thought.

the doctor told him it could be nothing, but it could be the beginning stages of leukemia. we see the specialist on thursday. we really don't know anything. it could be nothing...

tomorrow we are going to the circus, got free tickets from the school. it could be nothing...

i suppose there are a lot of reasons not to post this, however i missed friday, sorry, i was distracted. this is my place a place where i feel safe and yet there are those who care just enough about me to only be nosy. do i let them in, do i block them as followers. i don't believe in censorship. this is my blog. my place and i can delete any comment even if it comes from a family member. wes supports my blog and he loves me and i know nothing i post will offend him.

yet here i am justifying my actions. am i crazy? maybe i am just scared and i don't want to feel alone. i don't want this to be real. maybe i think the internet is not real. maybe i am using it as my god box today. my heart is pounding out of my chest and it feels like i can't breathe. he will be home soon and i can't wait to see him. maybe i am just stalling. procrastinating. it feels like i am holding my breathe, it could be nothing...

todays thought: "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."- randy pausch

Monday, April 11, 2011

why am i here.. a meme from lime

i am here because my mother met my father in a bar after her husband died.
i am here because my father was a good dancer and could swing a lady.

I'm here because my mother didn't care what her family thought of my father
or maybe she did and maybe i m here in spite of it.

i am here because i ran away from home. i ran so far i thought i would never go back.
I'm here because i met a man who said he would love me, but only hit me.
I'm here because i needed a place to go that was safe, where he couldn't hurt me, so
i looked for a safe place to hide and found a dark and scary place.

I'm here because i liked getting high. i used to hide in that dark space to get
high and i would forget why i was here.
I'm here because i didn't want to feel the pain so i pushed the needle deeper.

I'm here because the paramedic decided to get up that day and go to work and answer
a call for an unresponsive person. i tried to hide way deep in the dark place and i didn't want
to come back.
I'm here because the policeman decided to respond to a call of someone stealing
and using fake identification. i didn't want them to know who i was.

I'm here because there was a baby growing in my tummy and she needed a mommy.
and maybe i needed her.

I'm here because a man decided to love me, even though i couldn't love myself.
I'm here because he stood by me and took care of me when i was not able to take
care of myself.

I'm here today because i choose to be and i can decide that all by myself.

here you go lime. i am not a very good poet, it doesn't rhyme but it does start with me being here. i think that is what i was supposed to do. anyway check out lime's  hers is much better!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

flash fiction Friday- grammar

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words 
no more no less and then report it to the g-man!!!

"Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the
importance of correct grammar.  I have noticed that many who text messages &
email have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.  Capitalization is the
difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your
uncle jack off a horse."


here ya go g-man!! a little late but i needed a grammar check as i don't like to capitalize, he,he ,he... this just makes me giggle. i crack myself up sometimes!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

happy birthday to me

so i am over it, teenagers suck. literally


yesterday i had a wonderful day. my sister spoiled me rotten taking me to breakfast, buying my children some new tops and taking me to "Cocoa Dolce" the finest chocolate makers in town who have a decadent selection of sugar free truffles.


then my daughter cleaned the garage, a little and raked and swept the backyard, i know 'what's the catch right'. then i grilled some asparagus with balsamic vinegar and fire roaster some tomatoes, mushrooms and zucchini. i grilled some chicken and pork loin ribs with honey teriyaki sauce for dinner and my honey made me some sugar free chocolate mousse for dessert.


then i was given a lot of money and told to spend it on myself!! so i did, i bought myself another gold ring and some boots. and everyone sang to me!! yes getting older is a pretty good thing for me. i was good to myself yesterday and did not indulge in carbs and now i am heading to the gym for some endorphins!!


as for the rest of the day who knows, that leaves me with a brilliant quote for the day: "To know the road ahead, ask those coming back."- Chinese Proverb

Monday, April 4, 2011

HICKIES!!!!!

EEWWW!!! Oh my god!!!! help please!! my daughter has hickies on her neck!! i swear to god!!! we were gone this weekend to convention and i didn't notice last night, she has been wearing a big sweatshirt all day and when i picked her up from school she turned her head and there they were!!!

big as golf balls!! don't laugh damn it!! it's not funny!! this is my daughter!! 17!! does she need a depo shot?!? i mean what the 456 do i say!! seriously.

ok so hickies. it's like i know where they come from. i know it wasn't a vaccum cleaner!! lipstick cases do not remove them!!

do you remember hiding hickies from your mom? what did she say to you? what did you say to her? were you grounded? should she be grounded? i mean she is 17. i think it's her first? do i really want to know? AAUGGHHH

as long as she is not pregnant. do you ground a kid for hickies? a girl? a 17 year old girl with hickies on her neck.

so when i picked her up from school she turned her head and i saw them, then her friend got into the 'mom taxi' and we started home and i didn't say anything. then we saw her 'boyfriend' walking and she asked if we could pick him up. i thought of saying 'not if that little fu$$#$ put those marks on your neck.' i thought it, i didn't say it.

i didn't say anything. nothing i am a flipping coward!! i remember hickies!! i know where they come from!! ok i am repeating myself now. i am just going to post and wait for my internet god box to answer me with some words of wisdom!! come on guys, give it to me straight. what do i say. and jr, if you read this i will delete your comment little brother cause i don't need it from you!!

you can stop laughing now....

Friday, April 1, 2011

flash Fiction Friday- a minfulness rant

Every Friday, write a short story, poem or 
prose of 55 words, no more, no less then report it to the G-Man!!

"ever watched the sunrise in a purple sky
or counted raindrops to let the time pass by

 ever centered your thoughts on just one thing
being mindful for a moment and letting your soul sing

as days get filled with the hustle and bustle of everyday
a moment of mindfulness is needed come what may"

Here ya go g-man, it has been a while and i am a little late posting and out of practice. it is good to be blogging again.

 had therapy last night and it was amazing. we are working on guidelines for relationship effectiveness skills and guidelines for self- respect effectiveness. this couldn't have come at a better time. 

the story i printed that got me censored in the newsletter as the editor has been reprinted in another newsletter and it has some commentary about my censorship committee or as the region likes to call it 'review board'. my sponsor and i have had a riff between us ever since this fellowship assembly, she also likes to tell me how grateful she is i am in therapy working on my issues. the thing is it is very condescending.

 now this may will mark my last meeting at the region as newsletter editor, i am also walking away from regional service as we need time to sell this house and get moved. i am terribly concerned however that the voices that reign supreme at region will be very angry about what was printed and there is nothing i can do about it. already i feel attacked. this homework, i need practice, so that i may not get flooded and so that i can get through the meeting without showing my ass.

see i am not sorry the story was printed, it validates me. i am proud of my work and many members, who are not in service expressed gratitude for the story. the problem is, me. i am already on the defense. the solution is this homework.

so i am going to the convention this weekend and not sure what to expect, except of course a date night with my honey. but on the trip there we will practice some of this go over it and write it down, i will post more on this subject next week...

just for giggles i will add my article, the one in question, and your input would be awesome. let me know if i was out of line or if this article makes any sense:


I have been truly honored in being entrusted as the editor of this newsletter. I have read and re-read stories printed in this newsletter and the spiritual rewards have been overwhelming. 
I believe it is rewarding not only to read the stories but to also be given the opportunity to share some of my own personal story with you. It has been difficult, to say the least to receive input from members to fill this newsletter. I enjoy making artwork on my computer and have done so on occasion. I have also put in excerpts from the basic text as well as reprinting stories to fill in the space.
In the last issue I made some controversial artwork to fill a page. Of course I did not know it was controversial when I put it in the newsletter. I have been told that members have shared their concerns that this artwork puts NA in a bad light as it is sent all around the world.  And I must say to these members, you are correct, this newsletter does get sent all around the world. And I ask you does the artwork in question look worse on Narcotics Anonymous as a whole then printing “Work the Steps or Die MF” the name of a group, in our meeting schedules, which by the way are uploaded on worlds website. As addicts it is in our nature to be controversial, I guess what bothers me most is the implication that it is bad to shed light on a subject as powerful as predatory behavior. If you haven’t guessed by now the artwork in question had the following words on it; “Give the Newcomers a chance, Keep your ___ or ___ in your pants.” The blanks were filled in by pictures and the Chinese characters of a rooster and a cat. I felt I should be all inclusive as we know women can be predators also. Yet I still don’t understand why this is negative.
In every meeting in Narcotics Anonymous all around the world it is stated “the newcomer IS the most important person at any meeting because we can only keep what we have by giving it away.” Let’s think about this statement for a minute, what exactly does it mean? Do we only love them until they can love themselves from a distance? Or do we make a concerned approach after the meeting to talk with the newcomer to give them hope that they too can stay clean? Or do we simply hug them and tell them half heartedly to keep coming back, with no real enthusiasm. Personally, I feel we do not do enough to harness and protect our newer members. We tell them they can be of service by dumping ashtrays. We say things like “I am grateful for newcomers because you remind me of what it is like out there.”
To deny that predatory behavior is an issue in our rooms is wrong. This brings me to a quote I read; “The central defect of evil is not the sin, but the refusal to acknowledge it.”- Dr. Scott P. a non member. Think about it for a minute when we first start to work our steps we say things like “I don’t have resentments” or “I only owe amends to a couple of people”  I even heard a member say “Why do I have to look at the past when I already let it go?” but who does it really hurt to deny the truth?
Who does it help to lie? It has been said in this program that you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time. And yet we still don’t talk about it!! We skirt around this issue of SEX!!! It is a real issue, it is a part of our lives and it is something that can be a terrible addiction that runs newcomers right out of the rooms.
And the big issue for me is when I was new I thought that being intimate meant having sex. For a lot of us that was the only thing we knew as a form of love. The members of this fellowship from my Sponsors to those who came before me in service to the still suffering addict all of you taught me that my vagina is not my “God Hole!!” There I said it. Sex, sex, sex. Personally I like sex and I live the NA way of life and believe it or not, that does include having sex. The whole world does it. There is nothing wrong with it when you are spiritually, mentally and physically ready to have sex.
Sometimes I have seen older members approach newer members in a predatory manner. This is wrong. If you are having urges that have nothing to do with love or recovery, then maybe you need to talk to your sponsor before moving forward. If you are trying to hook up with someone with only 30, 60, or 90 days and you have more than a few years, dude call your sponsor.
We love to say in meetings “I lost the desire to use drugs a long time ago” and then go flirt with a newcomer, really. I have seen it and guess what, if this describes your behavior you didn’t lose the desire to use, you changed your drug of choice. I think we need to remember why we are here, read the statement on the cover of this newsletter. Gratitude. I think it is important to protect our newcomers and let them know they are more important to me then worrying about offending anyone.
Thanks for letting me share, thanks for saving my life I will keep coming back. Send me an article for the next printing, something about recovery, NA recovery you could make it about how your life is changed or what service means to you. This is your newsletter and it is your stories that make it great. Be good to each other and remember that no matter what happens, you never have to use again.
In loving Service,
Suzie E.- Editor


one of their major complaints was the word vagina and that i put 'newsletter editor' on it. now it is reprinted with 'newsletter editor and some colorful commentary about how censorship is bad and good for me for standing up for my values. this newsletter is frowned upon by NA world services it is called the purist newsletter and if world doesn't like it well our region won't, so why do members get copies of this? they think they need to be watchdogs of renegade NA groups. yeah i'm in trouble...

ok well i gotta get packing for this weekend. thanks for reading!! 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

what's in your 'God box'?

one of my comments the other day was the question "What's a 'God Box'?" when i read my censored article to my therapist he asked me "What's a 'God Hole'?" these questions are easy enough to answer, especially if your in the program. It just never dawned on me that people wouldn't know what these were. my apologies, a 'god hole' is that emptiness inside. the emptiness an addict feels everyday and it is that emptiness that creates an obsession and compulsion to fill it with anything from the outside, usually drugs, to make one feel better. it is a spiritual void. a 'God Box' is a tangible mechanism for praying. you can look online and see many religious stores carry beautiful ornate boxes crafted with love and care and usually a big price tag. with this box, you can talk with your higher power, if you choose to call Him God, Buddha, the Creator, or even Bob. In my fellowship i am taught that the God of my understanding can be anything i choose the only suggestion is that He be loving and caring.

i am not a religious person, in fact I am a recovering catholic. if i were to say i was still a catholic today i would burn in hell for my sins. that is a terrible outlook for one to have. maybe i will burn, maybe i won't the point is today i have faith, and trust in my higher power. and for that reason today my life is no longer a living hell. my children pray and believe, when he hear sirens go by they know someone is hurt and we stop and pray that who ever it is is OK. Teaching them about the birth of Christ at Christmas time is a lesson in patience, and gratitude. and they understand the seasons reason and the season of giving to others. Now i haven't quite figured out the whole Easter bunny and how that ties into anything, but they love to hunt for candy filled eggs and have lots of friends over to celebrate the coming of spring and bbq-ing with neighbors. like i said i am a recovering catholic, never had my first communion, too expensive, and never finished catechism. couldn't explain easter if i wanted too.

enough of my personal theology back to the question of the God Box. i use one to pray. when i first came into the rooms i didn't have faith, or let me rephrase that, i had faith and i believed there was a god and i believed he hated me and that i was going to burn in hell just like my father, and i hated him right back. so to ask me to pray to something or someone i hated was a huge task.

note to the reader: i know there are kooks out there who read my blog and leave crazy jesus saves comments, trust me i will delete anything too nutty. i don't need or accept any added chaos in my life. i am not religious i am spiritual. i accept myself as i am, don't push your religion on me, especially if you are a member of the westboro baptist church. you will never make it on my page.

anyway, when i started to have faith my sponsor told me i needed a 'God Box' and i didn't know why, she said i could put my pains and fears, write them down on a piece of paper and put them in this box and give them to God. Hmm, what kind of hokey stuff is she talking about? well things started to get real tough for me early in recovery when mom got sick with cancer. she smoked for years some of you remember me blogging about this, lung cancer got the best of her. at that time i had less than 2 years clean and i was full of raw emotions, had a brand new baby and a 1 year old. probably had some ppd as well. it was rough, i loved my mother and i was angry with her and i had to take care of her, and i wanted to take care of her. i just didn't know if i was capable.

so i finally got a 'God Box' but it wasn't as fancy or pretty or decorated as what my sponsor had... this box seemed more fitting...
 mom decided to quit smoking before we moved in with Wes, then she got cancer 3 months later. she used these to quit and they worked so i thought i could have faith in this ugly little box, i still use today
 it has gotten so full that when i slide papers in one end they come out the other, so i have to open the box, it is a very therapeutic exercise. if you don't already have one, try it. then like a time capsule open it up sometime and see what you have learned to move on from...

 this prayer gave me goose bumps that i pulled it out it was dated 2008 and in it i asked God for help to not be angry at my Haley, to have a sense of humor with her so that i can be a better mom. i remember being so filled with blind rage at not being able to control my babies and i knew it was wrong to feel that way, i needed help and still do...
guess what the prayers work, today i don't yell at my children for being children i seek outside help for my behaviors i am not afraid of my emotions today and they don't  run my life today. my girls are happy and healthy and so am i. i am grateful for my 'God Box' today, i think i will put that in my box today........ so what's in your 'God Box'?

today's thought: "If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."- Morris West

Monday, March 28, 2011

missed a meeting tonight

i have been hitting the Monday night 8:30 pretty regularly for the past month. tonight i am going to miss it. i made the sales meeting and brought home my sisters kids so she could go to class, however Wes is on a conference call and i need to be here to watch the amazing 4 kids. no wii tonight just a bath and a movie, Haley is in her super suit and the bean is in her favorite nightie, i feel bad for missing my meeting, i don't want to miss it next week but i will have the kids again and i don't know if Wes will have a meeting on the phone.

after my niece left my house it seems that sanity is being restored. i received word yesterday via email that a  member in the region is in end stage liver failure, the doctors gave him less than a year unless he gets a liver transplant. he has double digit clean time and has been married for as many years to the same lady. i have worked with them both for several years. i really can't call them friends. they don't respond to emails, they don't call me up regularly in fact outside of a business meeting i never interact with them. i have tried on a couple of occasions to reach out to her but she never really seemed interested in small talk with me. i used to call her my favorite person to argue with, because she never raises her voice and she always goes back to the traditions. however this past year we have butted heads more than usual and with her husband, the one who is sick, he insulted me and i was very angry with him. we were in a business meeting and i said something about Mexican food and he said 'I love Mexicans everyone should own one!'

in a past life that would have been taken in jest or i would have engaged in some sort of sick bigoted humor. today i don't have any tolerance for those kind of hateful jokes. they are not funny. i don't like racist jokes or anti- gay jokes. i don't tolerate any of it and I don't engage. he is the type of man who is kind of hard you know in the email i read his response to the doctor about the prognoses was 'well it is a product of good living'. he has a tough facade and doesn't really care about such things, he probably meant no harm in it and i know there are hundreds of members he has helped and inspired over the years. i just don't happen to be one of them. i am not one of their inner circle though my sponsor is. and she knows how i feel and i know she loves them dearly. they don't seem to care too much for Wes and myself and well i am not sure how to respond. what to say, is there something i should say. i don't feel anything. not a loss maybe some empathy. a little angry.

for the past year Wes has been on a service committee with this man who has never shown up to any interim meetings and nor has he done any work. When Wes called him on this issue he was chastised for being a jerk. If Wes had known there was something wrong he would have had someone else do the work, if this man had any conscience he would have stepped down from his service position due to illness. Wes was chair of this committee and needed some accountability. now the hostility Wes was met with makes sense. but it doesn't, so what these people martyred themselves? I mean they say they don't want to be treated differently but I don't get it. So they confided in their inner circle who then treated us badly for not treating them differently?

what i do know is this is my last go at the regional business meeting. the old timers there are growing short as we lost one member and now another is sick, they won't have anyone to carry on in service if they keep running everyone out. i can't even call my sponsor on this as the lady is also her sponsee and i doubt she will understand anything i say. i think at the convention next weekend i am going to tell her i need to get another sponsor. i can't speak to any of the women i had in my support group. i feel we have grown apart and do not see eye to eye on anything these days. i don't like being stuck on this issue it is such a struggle and i wish i could have gone to the meeting tonight. i have Thursday after group but i really need to make an effort to get in another meeting this week. i don't even know where to go to a meeting. maybe i will go to Eldorado's tomorrow night.

i guess that leaves me with today's thought; "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."- Victor Hugo

Sunday, March 27, 2011

a little bit of therapy

i am in group therapy now, and i really love it. we are given real world assignments and have to come back the next week with our answers. it is hard work but it is so helpful. i know i haven't gotten one comment from my last post yet as it is only 7 hours old and i haven't stopped by anyone else's blog yet, but this last week at therapy i did not get a chance to share my homework and i worked real hard on it so i wanted to share my progress with you...

so we are working on interpersonal effectiveness and this was a multiple part assignment, the first part was to describe a life worth living, the second part was an inventory of strengths and difficulties in specific areas. so for the first part, which i got to share, this is what i wrote:


A life worth living…

What would that mean to me, a life worth living, I have one now. There are things I would change about myself however that would make it easier to live that life. Knowing what makes me emotionally vulnerable would be essential for a life worth living, then I would have the tools to be less reactive

I would have the skills to handle every day things without anger or acting out with bad behavior. I would still feel my emotions, but I do not want to act out on them. I like being able to feel today.

I would like to have some self worth. I would like to feel valuable. Worthy of the things I have in my life and I would like to have less guilt and shame. I would like to feel content and at peace with my days and my evenings. I would like to feel accomplished.

Anything on the outside would not matter if I didn’t have these things inside. If I could change the things I would like to change about me then I will have the life I’ve always wanted.

the following is the 3rd part of the homework we did not get a chance to go over, it is quite lengthy as i realize i have issues with  brevity.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 3 Inventory of strengths and difficulties

1.) Lack of Skill:

I still get defensive when standing up for myself. I feel attacked when I am not. I still get angry at situations that don’t require anger, it is left over emotion from something else. I still take things way too personally, like when my niece is lying to me. I am emotionally vulnerable when it comes to money and finances. I still take it personal when I can’t add everything up right or when I make a mistake in budgeting I get very angry with myself and react badly towards everyone.

Strengths:


I am learning to say what I want and need. I am learning to listen to others and not turn it into an emotional roller coaster. I am learning not to twist what I hear into something it is not. I can ask for help today. I do not need to publically hang people for their actions. I treat people the way I want to be treated and I am not a doormat today.

2.) Worry Thoughts:

·      I worry someone will take my kids and do terrible things to them
·      I worry about catastrophic events and how it will affect my family
·      I have nightmares and sometimes let those thoughts invade my day
·      I worry that I am not good enough or loved and that I am a problem
·      I worry that I don’t deserve the things in my life because of my past and that it will one day come back to haunt me in the way of taking my babies from me or my fiancĂ©

Strengths:

·      I call my sponsor and support women when I am feeling bad and get those bad thoughts out of my head.
·      I use a ‘God Box’ to pray
·      I do things today that give me a sense of accomplishment.
·      I attend 2 meetings a week.
·      I work my steps
·      I use my handouts to find solutions when my head gets bad.

3.) Emotions:

·      I over react when it comes to money, like this stupid treasurers report.
·      I am unstable when I first wake up in the morning
·      I get scared when situations from my past come up.
·      I have trouble watching my teenage niece behave the same way I did, I over react and allow her to get the better of me it throws me off kilter.
·      I still have a fear of abandonment

Strengths:

·      My children are precious to me and I know today if I don’t appreciate them I will miss out. So I appreciate every waking and sleeping moment with them.

·      I love them so much it hurts. I allow them to love me.
·      I am learning to be a better parent and I am learning to model better behavior to them.
·      I am proud of them and I take pride in caring for them, I don’t complain about the opportunity to clean or cook for them and I love showing them how to help.
·      I love that their favorite thing to wear is nothing. They love to take off their clothes. When I was their age I was scared because I was already broken. They are safe and secure and happy. I love protecting that.
·      I love that they believe, we have faith. When we get scared we hold each other and it is OK.
·      I love getting sad with them and making it better.

4.) Indecision:

·      I have trouble setting boundaries with my oldest daughter.
·      I struggle with my decisions as a mother, I feel not good enough or that my decision is going to make her hate me.
·      I get angry when I ask her something and she refuses to answer or engage in conversation. I don’t know how to proceed with discipline, I feel like whichever way I decide it is wrong.

Strength:

·      I listen to the wisdom of others when making decisions.
·      I validate myself with her by telling her I love her.
·      I allow her to see my fear and struggle with my decision, and I tell her why I made my decision in a loving and caring manner.
·      I don’t give in to her manipulations.
·      I walk away when I am indecisive to give myself a change to regroup and decide.
·      I put my fears in my ‘God Box’

5.) Environment:

·      Other people believe their own lies. (my niece)
·      She is threatened and reacts with manipulation and ego to throw me off balance
·      She won’t sit and talk about her part instead would rather martyr herself in a way that is harmful as an attempt to get me to chase her.

Strengths:

·      Tough love
·      Apologize for raising my voice and still stand my ground
·      Let her leave and take the house key back
·      Restore sanity in my house
·      Pray she makes better decisions for her life and let her go

well this is me and what i am working on i am grateful that i have not needed medication for
 my issues. i am grateful i can take a cold hard look at myself and work 
on the weaknesses that i need to work 
on to become a better person.
i am grateful for all the people in my life today. thanks again for sticking around...

todays thought: "Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong;
 sometimes it's letting go."- Sylvia Robinson