Thursday, May 27, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- seasons in recovery

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words
no more, no less and then report to the G-man!!

"to each day the season brings
the gift of life my recovery sings

for every time the chaos reigns
opportunity once again begins

life after all is a series of moments
It's not meant to be so full of torment

For every addict in recovery learns to remember
Life doesn't begin without acceptance and surrender"

Here you go G-manI am getting her done early and I am going to try to set it to post tomorrow!! We will see what happens!! Have a great weekend everyone, we are house hunting again!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


getting ready for a rehearsal tonight, we are going over the panel presentation for the probation officers. there will be 60 in attendance, that it friggen a lot of people. i am overwhelmed and not able to tolerate my little ones. i am frustrated with myself and i need a meeting. maybe i will stay for the meeting after the class tonight.

we got our fence like trellis up for the beans!! the garden looks amazing.

my oldest is totally dramatic when it comes to moving and she is acting like such a victim. it astounds me how much like her mother she is. while she wants to stay here in wichita with a girlfriends family, i was actually open to the suggestion, my darling husband was not. his position was if it was that important for her to remain at this school then we not move. shit, why does he always have to be the rational one? it is like he is so opposite me.

i see my therapist next week, luckily i didn't say my feelings when we tried to 'talk' with my oldest, cause boy did i want to lay into her!!

i guess i will go weed some in the garden now. hope to post some more pictures soon.

Monday, May 24, 2010

garden update

My zucchini are flowering..
Marigolds are flourishing
Tomatoes are caged!!
Potatoes are growing!!
Still got some weeding to do, shame...
room for stagger planting. i have a plan this year when those dang squash bugs start to eat up my zucchini, i am going to pull the plants, hopefully vineborers and all, and then start a fresh set. i will start them inside so the dang little bugs don't get into the roots. i read that since i had them last year they are impossible to get rid of unless i use pesticides. which won't work well for my kids to come and help or for my bees to come and pollinate. the other extremes i have read from organic gardeners are just too time consuming, the thought process with this idea is to treat my vines like lettuces and stagger plant. so once i get some fruit and start to see the damage i need to pull the plant bag it and send it to the dump, then replant, i will be without some fruit for a week or two but it is better than the alternative of no fruit all summer.

We saw some beautiful houses now and we are still eyeing the 4 year old home in foreclosure, it is still a favorite. but we are going again this weekend and i have 5 or 6 more homes set up for viewing and we will see what happens. the cool thing about the foreclosure is that it will take a couple of months before we hear back from the bank weather or not they will take our offer, that will work in our favor and help us secure the time we need to get our ducks in a row. then if they deny i have found about a dozen other homes i am interested in and we will be ready to make offers and move then anyway. my oldest is none too happy with this but we have to move forward in our lives and after all we are doing this for her as well. one thing that we are hesitant on in making an offer on this new foreclosure is that we found another foreclosure in t he same neighborhood, the same street, and we looked in it and it was only a ten year old home but we were looking at the walls and up by the ceiling all the drywall screws were popped out. like it was coming apart at the seems? i mean the dry wall screws were still in the walls, but you know how the guy will screw in the screw and then putty over it and then the carpenter will paint? well every spot was popped out like the putty was bad or there was a major earthquake that caused structural damage. i have been in kansas 12 years now and have not had an earthquake. also a room in the basement smelled mildewy and the siding was swollen, swollen siding have you seen this it was like the siding was not treated to resist water and it looked like crap. we were wondering if this is what we are going to expect in the other new house in a few years i mean come on when you buy a brand new home you expect it will be in great shape for what 20- 25 years? is this the type of construction we are getting with the foreclosed home?
Wes is going to call a few people and we asked our realtor to find out if the same people built both houses. ok i need to get to the gym to the garden and to some service work. hope to catch up with you all while i finish my coffee this morning- Guatemala- yumm...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

quick update

i have been so busy, i even lost my mind for a minute. i haven't posted in so long it is like a world away and my computer is right here in front of me. as far as service work i am preparing to present my fellowship to the community corrections department and our audience will be all the probation officers in the county, we are also preparing to do a presentation to a big drug rehab place that works with the courts and currently has 1500 clients. that will have every substance abuse counselor as the audience. we are looking into moving the group to be able to host more hispanic meetings in the week. i got the shirts printed for our area campout, my design, i designed the itinerary/flier for our fourth of july campout, i have a load of input to submit to put into the world services. and i still have to make my report for area.
tomorrow we are heading back out to winfield to look at some more houses, we are actually looking at brand new homes that are in foreclosure and up for short sales. exciting and scary and i am looking into new therapy for handling my life better. i need help, i am an addict and i came from a very chaotic home and i have ptsd that pops up and anxiety that can destroy my family. i read moms blog and she wondered why her baby would ever think of going back to living like a using addict, because we feel we deserve no better in life, because we have this filter that twists our perception of what we hear others say and we believe our feelings even though they don't match reality.

i am going to watch suze orman now and i hope everyone is well i miss you all and will try to catch up tomorrow after the home search. my garden is a wreck we had 4 days of rain and the trees blue these little white seeds everywhere this year and now these little green things are growing all over our garden!! it looks horrible!! so we are going to work on it tomorrow, i even tried to plant more flowers by seed but i am going to have to till it all up because those other damn seeds are choking it out!! but my marigolds are the size of my fist!! Gorgeous!! it feels good to post, i am sorry how long my hiatus was. i hope to get back into the groove of it again it actually helps me to list everything i need to do and keep perspective. hey does anyone know about short sales? could we be in danger of bidding too low? when there are multiple homes in foreclosure in the neighborhood?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

55- flash fiction friday


Every Friday write a short story of 55 words, no more no less and report it to the g-man!!

"Maybe she would like some roses this year, red ones with babies breath
I could make a picture for her and a pretty card, she loves the color purple i could grill her some steaks oh, i almost forgot, she's been gone two years now, no need to fuss anymore... happy mothers day anyway mom.."

here ya go g-man happy mothers day to all those mothers out there!!!

letting go

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Here is my beans first day. i don't know why i keep posting baby pictures. i read in the new book that parenthood is just a long lesson in letting go.
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Look how tiny her little head is next to daddys finger. one of my favorite pictures
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Here is miss Haley with her tight curly locks. i didn't have a digital camera when she was born, i couldn't afford the baby pictures with any of my girls i guess that is why i take so many today.
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Our first Christmas together as a family, The bean was only ten days old and Mom was not diagnosed with cancer yet. There was a lot of hope and promise on that day. My how your plans can change with just one word.
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She was so proud of us and we were going to all move into a large home together. Then mom got really sick, and we could not afford to move. At first her and Wes split the bills, when she got sick he told her to save her money for what she wanted. if she wanted a chocolate shake in the middle of the night, that is what she got.
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We had the crib in the living room, this house has always been so small, we ended up using our playpen to hold the big oxygen machine and run the hoses from the top of the curtain rods so the kids wouldn't pull on them. There was so very little room and so many doctors appointments, WEs would have to take mom at 5 in the morning for dialysis 2 times a week my sister would pick her up once a week, i would then pick her up from dialysis 3 times a week. She couldn't walk afterwords so I would carry the babies in to get her and then load everyone out. When she had chemo we would first take her to chemo for a 3 hour treatment then I would pick her up and get her some lunch, we had to wait one hour, then I would take her to dialysis for the next 3 hours. This went on for 8 months. 3x's a week. Finally just before Halloween the cancer doctor said there was nothing else we could do and it was time to call in hospice. I cried, mom didn't know it but it was tears of relief.

Finally someone could come in and help me give her baths and take her to her doctor appointments. I remember being so emotionally exhausted I would just sleep. During this time my brother disappeared. My sister was terribly worried about him she called the radio stations and the police stations and we filed a missing persons report. He was gone for 3 months, Finally one day when mom was at chemo, her 6th appointment i think he showed up to the house. I was getting ready to go get mom and he just wanted to let us know he was alive, i asked him if he was going to see his mother and the phone rang. Mom had a seizure during chemo and they were taking her to the hospital. my brother rushed off to be there, like some kind of savior kid for being the first at the scene. i printed off her medication list, grabber her DNR, and got the girls loaded up in the van. I called Wes on the way there and dropped the girls off with someone, I don't remember who. We sat in the waiting room, the 'quite' room of the ER for a long time. the nurse came in and asked me about any directives, they were wanting to put a pacemaker in since they could not stabilize her heart. I handed them the DNR and told them she had terminal cancer, there was no need for the pacemaker. She left and we waited even longer....

My brother paced the floor like a lion in a cage. he kept saying 'this is not good, this is not good'.. after another 20 minutes the nurse came in followed by a nun and i asked 'Can i see my mom?'. They explained to me that her heart rate was very low and unstable. they thought maybe if i was in there i could calm her down and they warned me it was very chaotic in the room. we walked in and bells were ringing and my mom was very agitated and they couldn't calm her down, you wouldn't know her heart was at 30bpm. I watched a man inject a syringe that read 'adrenaline' into her upper arm and she was crying to me and said make them stop their hurting me. i said 'momma are you ok?" she said 'Make them stop it hurts baby.' i said "STOP, STOP, STOP!! EVERYONE STOP IT!!" the head nurse looked at me and i told her i was medical power of attorney and they needed to stop. my brother started to cry and he said don't do it suzie. i was putting her in hospice care and i didn't know exactly what that meant. Then i asked them how long and they wouldn't answer me. Mom had a fistula on her arm and it used to buzz like a hundred bees were right under her skin. When i walked over to her bedside I placed my hand on her arm and there was no more buzz. I had called my sponsor and told mer my mom was dying and I called Wes. Then i just held my mothers arm and brushed her hair with my other hand.

It was quiet. I asked the nurse how long and she didn't know. I thought my mother was going to die right there. Then i felt her arm start to buzz, the bees were back. I said she's back and the nurse looked at the machines and said oh those don't work. I said "No her buzz is back come feel her arm" i swear i hate being talked down to and then my mom looked up at me. The nurse asked if we still wanted to do dialysis so I asked my mom and she said yeah I need dialysis I just had chemo! So we called off the hospice and everything was normal again. Wes and my friend walked in and i said I swear to god 2 seconds ago she was almost dead! It was like I cried wolf.

Life is crazy, a lot. but it is worth it. i don't know what made me think of my mom like that, these old pictures, the fact that my girls won't remember her face, or how much she loved them, and how we had to let her go.

We looked at a house in Winfield last week, it was a complete deal breaker, split level and small. We are looking at another one this week. I got my daycare license approved. Life goes on and i let go a little at a time.

Monday, May 3, 2010

no results still living though

well the surveyor never showed up, so i continue to wait. the garbage lady did not take the bundles of brush so i called them and i am waiting for a call back from them.

Saturday i had a booth to put up at the Cinco de Mayo celebration put on by the Latino Peace Officers association, that did not go so well, my partner who was supposed to work the booth with me was running late, I had forgotten the literature rack and some literature at home due to rushing because when we woke up there was no electricity. So i called her to go grab it on her way and she told me she was just in an accident!! she wrecked her car!! Poor thing she was ok thank God, so I called someone else from a different group and i ended up making 3 great contacts.

After that we took the kids to the Winfield "Kanza Days" it is similar to the state fair and they had pony rides and kids exhibits. We walked up there and didn't know who to pay so my nephew asked how much and they told him it was free!! So my babies got to ride the Big Ponies like 3 times each!! Look at Haleys big Smile!!

When it was time to leave the bean was just heartbroken. So we took her to get an ice cream and they were giving out those for free too!! Unbelievable!! Well we wanted to at least purchase one of the buttons and show support!! Then they had the kids tractor pull that we thought we missed out on...


Nope Here is the bean!! she got 9 feet with help!!


Here is my louie!!He pedaledSo hard!!


He took first Place!! Now he is entered in the state fair competition!!


Here the kids are on some real tractors!!


Here is alex on the tractor pull, he didn't win but I think he had a lot of fun!!

did I tell you we were looking into moving down here? we found a couple of houses we are interested in and the neighborhood rocks, there is such a great sense of community here and everyone knows everybody else.
Well we had a very heated business meeting yesterday, i think i lost a friend and a home group. i stood up for the primary purpose and i showed my ass a bit. i got so angry i know i owe the area an apology, i was verbally attacked and called a liar and i about lost it.
i put in two motions for the area to vote on the first was for a literature rack to put into a local senior center. the groups didn't understand, i was not asking for my group i was asking the area to perform a public service. the 2nd motion was for literature to put in the rack. i thought if they shot one down but not the other at least something would be better then nothing. at any rate someone kept saying this would 'set precedence' what that we are supposed to help the still suffering addict?

then someone else read the policy, that we were supposed to help, when we asked for help we were supposed to receive it, that is the purpose of these meetings. i felt like i had to fight tooth and nail just to get my point across. After the second motion went out for the literature someone asked what was the intent and my friend said the intent was deceit. and he had a smile on his face when he said it!! a smile!! this was nothing to smile at and i did not think it was funny to turn down a request for literature to help a local community center. i told him to wipe that silly little smile off is face and called him a silly little man. i was so angry i am so grateful i did not say anything else. i have called my sponsor twice now and i need to make another phone call, i am still very upset about this.
This man was my husbands best friend for 5 years now. i want them to continue to be friends i want to just agree to disagree and i don't think that is what is going to happen. my husband thinks his friend was dead wrong and he has an issue with women and he will not tolerate it. i think it is sweet but i don't want to see a friendship end over this. however i will stand my ground. the last time some one verbally attacked me at an area meeting i sat there and said nothing, left and cried for hours. this time i didn't back down, but i wasn't very graceful at it either. learning to stand in my own truth has been a struggle, especially since i still don't think very highly of myself and half the time i think i deserve to be treated bad or my opinion don't count. baggage from the past does not go easily.

i am grateful for my area and service work. i demanded the hispanic group be put on the phone line and meeting schedules. and i demanded the new group we just got be put on as well, and i demanded the area help. we got our demands, though it should not have come down to a demand. per policy there are no requirements to be on our meeting schedules and yet here we are making groups wait because one person is refusing to do his work. and he is making up rules as he goes along. so he just printed off 3000 meeting schedules and then after he was told he had to put us on he said it wouldn't happen for three months cause we just got them done and the groups told him to re print now. he was not happy about that at all, so now i have to send him a meeting update form, which is on my computer anyway.
ok i better go i need to get to the gym, i did not lose any weight last week i think it was the stress and not going to the gym. hope you all have a great monday, i have a workshop tonight and it is very, very needed.