ever notice sometimes, when life is going on how you suddenly think 'hey this ain't so bad'. you get that special moment of clarity and all seems right with the world. i am not thinking that all my issues are gone, i am just thinking all is right, as it should be. i think that is called gratitude.
and yet sometimes i get crippled with fear, anxiety that something is wrong. something with someone i love, usually my children, and my head gets crazy. i stop and pick up the phone. 99% of the time the first number i call is wes. i call him first he is my best friend , my biggest cheerleader and strongest support. i love him like no other. sometimes i call my sponsor, usually when wes doesn't answer because he is in a meeting.
i took the kids to the zoo today, it was beautiful. and my 'a' had her big dance and we dressed her up and she was so amazing. i took a ton of pictures. i love days like today enjoying the sun and walking. i got some great pictures of the tigers up close. i think they were eyeballing my haley for lunch, however there was a glass partition so they could not get her. she adored them too. though not in the same way...
this weeks therapy was very appropriate. Distress Tolerance. Practicing distraction from a situation that is hijacking your day. not something to be done on a regular basis, just until the crisis passes so you can look at it with a clear head.
wes told me on thursday that the doctors office called and left a message for him to call them back. i told him it was probably nothing. after therapy wes called me and told me there was something in his blood and it could be nothing but they were sending him to a specialist to make sure. he said he had to prod the doctor to find out what it was because he would have gone into a tailspin thinking he was dying if the doctor didn't tell him what he thought.
the doctor told him it could be nothing, but it could be the beginning stages of leukemia. we see the specialist on thursday. we really don't know anything. it could be nothing...
tomorrow we are going to the circus, got free tickets from the school. it could be nothing...
i suppose there are a lot of reasons not to post this, however i missed friday, sorry, i was distracted. this is my place a place where i feel safe and yet there are those who care just enough about me to only be nosy. do i let them in, do i block them as followers. i don't believe in censorship. this is my blog. my place and i can delete any comment even if it comes from a family member. wes supports my blog and he loves me and i know nothing i post will offend him.
yet here i am justifying my actions. am i crazy? maybe i am just scared and i don't want to feel alone. i don't want this to be real. maybe i think the internet is not real. maybe i am using it as my god box today. my heart is pounding out of my chest and it feels like i can't breathe. he will be home soon and i can't wait to see him. maybe i am just stalling. procrastinating. it feels like i am holding my breathe, it could be nothing...
todays thought: "we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."- randy pausch
8 comments:
All the very best (Suzie). Like you said, you can delete any comments you don't like. We bolg to put ourselves out there. Me, I just let the chips fall where they may.
I hope that it is nothing. The grip of fear can't really hold us if we let go.
My dad had that happen twice during his teaching career. He taught computer science (back in the days of white lab coats, chilly rooms and computers the size of entire rooms...with thousands of punched cards being generated....I have fuzzy memories of it). What I do remember clearly was the leukemia scare. His results on bloodwork at that time looked eerily similar to many other scary things, from leukemia to plain old mononucleosis. The further tests (including bone marrow biopsy) plainly ruled out leukemia and eventually pointed to mono, and he has been susceptible to it ever since. A simple drink at the water fountain during the time that mono was going around the campus did him in! The second bout a few years later did not scare us quite as badly. (This was before the age of water bottles!) I am praying that this is just as simple and fixable! Dad is 81 now, still preaching, teaching, delivering calves, baling hay and working in his wood shop. Praying that you and your Wes have peace in your hearts while you wait for further information. Hope the circus is awesome! (Hugs!)
now dont hold your breath silly you will turn blue.I hope that made you smile.Sis it will be ok most likely it is nothing and if it is the L-word we will deal with it Wes will pull through and everything will be ok there are allot of options today with treatments and he is very healthy in someways you guys are a bit too healthy.So with that said I think even if tis the worst he will be just fine He is a strong man and well sweety your a strong woman and you will be there for eachother and for what its worth you got me and Candida we will be there for you even on my bad days I am still your brother and able to at least listen to you when you need someone to talk to and no I am not the best brother in the world but heck i am here for you when ever you need me.
Just stopping by to say I'm thinking of you.... hope you got encouraging news!
And I hope the Easter Bunny is good to your little ones!
((Hug!))
Susie-Q...Happy Easter
deerist klean and krazie,
is the internets peepil reely reel? i ask me that evvery day. i think it IS, and i think there is very nise peepil in bloging.
i was reading over at gee-mans about yor choklit bunnies melting and the skwirrels steeling yor eggs and i sorree that happened.
and i hope the blood tests is okay.
thinking of yoo....
Blue Bunny, my jannie's bloging manigir.
ox
Haven't seen an update from ya in a while but was thinking of you anyway and wanted you to know someone out here in blog world was thinking of you and missing your posts. :)
Hope all is well
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