a little bit of therapy

i am in group therapy now, and i really love it. we are given real world assignments and have to come back the next week with our answers. it is hard work but it is so helpful. i know i haven't gotten one comment from my last post yet as it is only 7 hours old and i haven't stopped by anyone else's blog yet, but this last week at therapy i did not get a chance to share my homework and i worked real hard on it so i wanted to share my progress with you...

so we are working on interpersonal effectiveness and this was a multiple part assignment, the first part was to describe a life worth living, the second part was an inventory of strengths and difficulties in specific areas. so for the first part, which i got to share, this is what i wrote:

A life worth living…

What would that mean to me, a life worth living, I have one now. There are things I would change about myself however that would make it easier to live that life. Knowing what makes me emotionally vulnerable would be essential for a life worth living, then I would have the tools to be less reactive

I would have the skills to handle every day things without anger or acting out with bad behavior. I would still feel my emotions, but I do not want to act out on them. I like being able to feel today.

I would like to have some self worth. I would like to feel valuable. Worthy of the things I have in my life and I would like to have less guilt and shame. I would like to feel content and at peace with my days and my evenings. I would like to feel accomplished.

Anything on the outside would not matter if I didn’t have these things inside. If I could change the things I would like to change about me then I will have the life I’ve always wanted.

the following is the 3rd part of the homework we did not get a chance to go over, it is quite lengthy as i realize i have issues with  brevity.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 3 Inventory of strengths and difficulties

1.) Lack of Skill:

I still get defensive when standing up for myself. I feel attacked when I am not. I still get angry at situations that don’t require anger, it is left over emotion from something else. I still take things way too personally, like when my niece is lying to me. I am emotionally vulnerable when it comes to money and finances. I still take it personal when I can’t add everything up right or when I make a mistake in budgeting I get very angry with myself and react badly towards everyone.

Strengths:

I am learning to say what I want and need. I am learning to listen to others and not turn it into an emotional roller coaster. I am learning not to twist what I hear into something it is not. I can ask for help today. I do not need to publically hang people for their actions. I treat people the way I want to be treated and I am not a doormat today.

2.) Worry Thoughts:

·      I worry someone will take my kids and do terrible things to them

·      I worry about catastrophic events and how it will affect my family

·      I have nightmares and sometimes let those thoughts invade my day

·      I worry that I am not good enough or loved and that I am a problem

·      I worry that I don’t deserve the things in my life because of my past and that it will one day come back to haunt me in the way of taking my babies from me or my fiancé

Strengths:

·      I call my sponsor and support women when I am feeling bad and get those bad thoughts out of my head.

·      I use a ‘God Box’ to pray

·      I do things today that give me a sense of accomplishment.

·      I attend 2 meetings a week.

·      I work my steps

·      I use my handouts to find solutions when my head gets bad.

3.) Emotions:

·      I over react when it comes to money, like this stupid treasurers report.

·      I am unstable when I first wake up in the morning

·      I get scared when situations from my past come up.

·      I have trouble watching my teenage niece behave the same way I did, I over react and allow her to get the better of me it throws me off kilter.

·      I still have a fear of abandonment

Strengths:

·      My children are precious to me and I know today if I don’t appreciate them I will miss out. So I appreciate every waking and sleeping moment with them.

·      I love them so much it hurts. I allow them to love me.

·      I am learning to be a better parent and I am learning to model better behavior to them.

·      I am proud of them and I take pride in caring for them, I don’t complain about the opportunity to clean or cook for them and I love showing them how to help.

·      I love that their favorite thing to wear is nothing. They love to take off their clothes. When I was their age I was scared because I was already broken. They are safe and secure and happy. I love protecting that.

·      I love that they believe, we have faith. When we get scared we hold each other and it is OK.

·      I love getting sad with them and making it better.

4.) Indecision:

·      I have trouble setting boundaries with my oldest daughter.

·      I struggle with my decisions as a mother, I feel not good enough or that my decision is going to make her hate me.

·      I get angry when I ask her something and she refuses to answer or engage in conversation. I don’t know how to proceed with discipline, I feel like whichever way I decide it is wrong.

Strength:

·      I listen to the wisdom of others when making decisions.

·      I validate myself with her by telling her I love her.

·      I allow her to see my fear and struggle with my decision, and I tell her why I made my decision in a loving and caring manner.

·      I don’t give in to her manipulations.

·      I walk away when I am indecisive to give myself a change to regroup and decide.

·      I put my fears in my ‘God Box’

5.) Environment:

·      Other people believe their own lies. (my niece)

·      She is threatened and reacts with manipulation and ego to throw me off balance

·      She won’t sit and talk about her part instead would rather martyr herself in a way that is harmful as an attempt to get me to chase her.

Strengths:

·      Tough love

·      Apologize for raising my voice and still stand my ground

·      Let her leave and take the house key back

·      Restore sanity in my house

·      Pray she makes better decisions for her life and let her go

well this is me and what i am working on i am grateful that i have not needed medication for

 my issues. i am grateful i can take a cold hard look at myself and work 

on the weaknesses that i need to work 

on to become a better person.

i am grateful for all the people in my life today. thanks again for sticking around...

todays thought: "Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong;

 sometimes it's letting go."- Sylvia Robinson