Tuesday, March 29, 2011

what's in your 'God box'?

one of my comments the other day was the question "What's a 'God Box'?" when i read my censored article to my therapist he asked me "What's a 'God Hole'?" these questions are easy enough to answer, especially if your in the program. It just never dawned on me that people wouldn't know what these were. my apologies, a 'god hole' is that emptiness inside. the emptiness an addict feels everyday and it is that emptiness that creates an obsession and compulsion to fill it with anything from the outside, usually drugs, to make one feel better. it is a spiritual void. a 'God Box' is a tangible mechanism for praying. you can look online and see many religious stores carry beautiful ornate boxes crafted with love and care and usually a big price tag. with this box, you can talk with your higher power, if you choose to call Him God, Buddha, the Creator, or even Bob. In my fellowship i am taught that the God of my understanding can be anything i choose the only suggestion is that He be loving and caring.

i am not a religious person, in fact I am a recovering catholic. if i were to say i was still a catholic today i would burn in hell for my sins. that is a terrible outlook for one to have. maybe i will burn, maybe i won't the point is today i have faith, and trust in my higher power. and for that reason today my life is no longer a living hell. my children pray and believe, when he hear sirens go by they know someone is hurt and we stop and pray that who ever it is is OK. Teaching them about the birth of Christ at Christmas time is a lesson in patience, and gratitude. and they understand the seasons reason and the season of giving to others. Now i haven't quite figured out the whole Easter bunny and how that ties into anything, but they love to hunt for candy filled eggs and have lots of friends over to celebrate the coming of spring and bbq-ing with neighbors. like i said i am a recovering catholic, never had my first communion, too expensive, and never finished catechism. couldn't explain easter if i wanted too.

enough of my personal theology back to the question of the God Box. i use one to pray. when i first came into the rooms i didn't have faith, or let me rephrase that, i had faith and i believed there was a god and i believed he hated me and that i was going to burn in hell just like my father, and i hated him right back. so to ask me to pray to something or someone i hated was a huge task.

note to the reader: i know there are kooks out there who read my blog and leave crazy jesus saves comments, trust me i will delete anything too nutty. i don't need or accept any added chaos in my life. i am not religious i am spiritual. i accept myself as i am, don't push your religion on me, especially if you are a member of the westboro baptist church. you will never make it on my page.

anyway, when i started to have faith my sponsor told me i needed a 'God Box' and i didn't know why, she said i could put my pains and fears, write them down on a piece of paper and put them in this box and give them to God. Hmm, what kind of hokey stuff is she talking about? well things started to get real tough for me early in recovery when mom got sick with cancer. she smoked for years some of you remember me blogging about this, lung cancer got the best of her. at that time i had less than 2 years clean and i was full of raw emotions, had a brand new baby and a 1 year old. probably had some ppd as well. it was rough, i loved my mother and i was angry with her and i had to take care of her, and i wanted to take care of her. i just didn't know if i was capable.

so i finally got a 'God Box' but it wasn't as fancy or pretty or decorated as what my sponsor had... this box seemed more fitting...
 mom decided to quit smoking before we moved in with Wes, then she got cancer 3 months later. she used these to quit and they worked so i thought i could have faith in this ugly little box, i still use today
 it has gotten so full that when i slide papers in one end they come out the other, so i have to open the box, it is a very therapeutic exercise. if you don't already have one, try it. then like a time capsule open it up sometime and see what you have learned to move on from...

 this prayer gave me goose bumps that i pulled it out it was dated 2008 and in it i asked God for help to not be angry at my Haley, to have a sense of humor with her so that i can be a better mom. i remember being so filled with blind rage at not being able to control my babies and i knew it was wrong to feel that way, i needed help and still do...
guess what the prayers work, today i don't yell at my children for being children i seek outside help for my behaviors i am not afraid of my emotions today and they don't  run my life today. my girls are happy and healthy and so am i. i am grateful for my 'God Box' today, i think i will put that in my box today........ so what's in your 'God Box'?

today's thought: "If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."- Morris West

10 comments:

Sober Julie said...

Fantatic post!!
I was given a journal this weekend and I'm planning on using it as my God box.
To date I've just prayed everyday but after reading this post I dig the idea of being able to reflect in future.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

I have a gourd that I use. I haven't thought too much about it lately but now I think I should revist the God box again.

My childhood was filled with the burn in hell mentality. It has taken a lifetime to come to terms with that kind or thinking.

Also I think everyone has a hole they just fill it with different things some more healthy than others.

Ann said...

Love your God box - mine is an altoids tin....we are creative, hugh?

Lex.Illuminated said...

Thank You! I was the one who was wondering the other day. I am pretty new in recovery (six months April 4th) and I haven't heard of this idea yet. And now, I'm so excited because I have really been struggling with praying-feels very unnatural to me-and I was wondering to myself, "well, could I just write the prayers down?" and then i told myself that that wouldn't count. for some reason. NOW i hear that it WOULD count as praying, that a lot of other people do it, and I am ecstatic! Wonderful! My Higher Power must be helping me out by sending your post to me as a sign! Awesome!

qtieboi said...

For all of you any and all prayer counts in all forms My sister she prayes her way n it works for her right sis> I pray mine it works for me. I go to sweat lodge and have a medicine person I go to thats what helps me.There is no right or wrong way to pray or worship as long as you do it in a good way with a good heart it will be good.And sis this blog got me all teary eyed cause you put it out there about mom and all and I remember sittin with her in the hospital and us all bein there and then the call you said get here now.I am glad to see how youhave grown and how recovery has so totally enriched your life I am so honored and proud of you and by you and God I love you so much and well shoot I am tearing all up again durn it.I am blessed to have you as my sister and I know I will never forget that thanks for writing its great therapy for me to read your words I love you so very much and I know your helping others with your writing.Keep Representing Sis your amazing dont you ever forget it.

Just Be Real said...

Wow, appreciate you sharing on this topic. Blessings to you dear one.

Mamahollioni said...

Great post. Someone just gave me a God box a couple of weeks ago and there is one prayer in it. It's from my daughter.

Syd said...

Amazing how putting something in that box and giving it to God really works. It has worked in my life for sure. And those old notes do represent a capsule of my recovery. My box is an old machinists wooden chest. I put my character defects in there as well.

Tricia Nell said...

Wow.... you have my utmost respect and admiration.

Creative Guide thru 12 Steps said...

I *love* that you used a Nicotine Patch box for your God box. That is awesome and very creative. You can see a few of my God boxes on my blog, if you're interested:

http://creative12steps.blogspot.com/2012/11/step-3-create-god-box.html

I have also heard of the God hole referred to as a "God-sized Hole." I like the reference to size, as my God Hole feels so vast and wide.