one of my comments the other day was the question "What's a 'God Box'?" when i read my censored article to my therapist he asked me "What's a 'God Hole'?" these questions are easy enough to answer, especially if your in the program. It just never dawned on me that people wouldn't know what these were. my apologies, a 'god hole' is that emptiness inside. the emptiness an addict feels everyday and it is that emptiness that creates an obsession and compulsion to fill it with anything from the outside, usually drugs, to make one feel better. it is a spiritual void. a 'God Box' is a tangible mechanism for praying. you can look online and see many religious stores carry beautiful ornate boxes crafted with love and care and usually a big price tag. with this box, you can talk with your higher power, if you choose to call Him God, Buddha, the Creator, or even Bob. In my fellowship i am taught that the God of my understanding can be anything i choose the only suggestion is that He be loving and caring.
i am not a religious person, in fact I am a recovering catholic. if i were to say i was still a catholic today i would burn in hell for my sins. that is a terrible outlook for one to have. maybe i will burn, maybe i won't the point is today i have faith, and trust in my higher power. and for that reason today my life is no longer a living hell. my children pray and believe, when he hear sirens go by they know someone is hurt and we stop and pray that who ever it is is OK. Teaching them about the birth of Christ at Christmas time is a lesson in patience, and gratitude. and they understand the seasons reason and the season of giving to others. Now i haven't quite figured out the whole Easter bunny and how that ties into anything, but they love to hunt for candy filled eggs and have lots of friends over to celebrate the coming of spring and bbq-ing with neighbors. like i said i am a recovering catholic, never had my first communion, too expensive, and never finished catechism. couldn't explain easter if i wanted too.
enough of my personal theology back to the question of the God Box. i use one to pray. when i first came into the rooms i didn't have faith, or let me rephrase that, i had faith and i believed there was a god and i believed he hated me and that i was going to burn in hell just like my father, and i hated him right back. so to ask me to pray to something or someone i hated was a huge task.
note to the reader: i know there are kooks out there who read my blog and leave crazy jesus saves comments, trust me i will delete anything too nutty. i don't need or accept any added chaos in my life. i am not religious i am spiritual. i accept myself as i am, don't push your religion on me, especially if you are a member of the westboro baptist church. you will never make it on my page.
anyway, when i started to have faith my sponsor told me i needed a 'God Box' and i didn't know why, she said i could put my pains and fears, write them down on a piece of paper and put them in this box and give them to God. Hmm, what kind of hokey stuff is she talking about? well things started to get real tough for me early in recovery when mom got sick with cancer. she smoked for years some of you remember me blogging about this, lung cancer got the best of her. at that time i had less than 2 years clean and i was full of raw emotions, had a brand new baby and a 1 year old. probably had some ppd as well. it was rough, i loved my mother and i was angry with her and i had to take care of her, and i wanted to take care of her. i just didn't know if i was capable.
so i finally got a 'God Box' but it wasn't as fancy or pretty or decorated as what my sponsor had... this box seemed more fitting...
today's thought: "If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."- Morris West