Tuesday, June 30, 2009

just a rambling addict

so busy, so busy. i apologize for not stopping by i really have been busy. just a quickie to let you know what is up. well after some thought i realized that dawn dish soap is not organic, it is safe though so i may not have an entirely organic garden but i am grateful to report the mealy bugs are gone!!

trip this weekend was wonderful, kids love their grandma and Wes really enjoyed meeting his family. the reunion was quite small and come to find out there are only 3 male Simon's left in the family, that would be Wes and his two brothers. sorry so scatterbrained, i am in the middle of making lunch and blogging at the same time.

i am going to work on a resume today i tried to contact Libby but she was out of the office, if she will let me use her as a reference and point me to some places that need help that would be awesome. i don't know if i am ready for her to start paying me but i will see about that as well.

oh and the new harry potter movie is coming out next month!! so excited so i asked Wes to order some advanced tickets for me and "A" to go. well let me tell you DO NOT EVER BUY MOVIE TICKETS FROM "movietickets.com. they are thieves and they are slimy sleazy business people. the local theater here in Wichita is the warren theaters, they are pretty big and have great theaters, we do not go because it is so expensive, well this is a special occasion for us so we were going to pre order. well the website takes you to this movitickets.com place and you put in your area code so i am assuming they are a nation wide deal. well we put in the order, and we always use safe shop from Bof A, they generate a phantom credit card and it is only good for one use so your information does not get stolen. well we ordered the tickets and i turned on the printer to print the receipt and after the sale went through it says, in order to pick up your tickets you need to bring in your credit card. so Wes called them because we did not have a credit card to bring in. they told him that then there was no way he would be able to pick up the tickets at the ticket window. they would not take a printed receipt of the transaction, they would not take a photo ID and since we could not produce the credit card we could not pick up the tickets!! so he asked them to just mail us the tickets, they said they could not because it was an electronic transaction, hear is the worst part, they then said under no circumstances would they refund the money!! so we paid for nothing!!!! 17.00 is a lot of money for nothing!! so Wes contacted the bank to cancel the transaction and get his money back that way. but i repeat never, ever use movietickets.com they are swindlers and absolute losers!! go online, it doesn't even say that in the terms of use, it doesn't say anything about producing a credit card as the only way to pick up your tickets. until after the sale. so buyer beware...

ok so my gratitude list i need to stay in today;
1. today i am grateful i am a great cook, i just made Chinese food for lunch, broccoli chicken with fish sauce, yummm
2. today i am grateful for my family, they are nuts but they are mine and i love them very much.
3. today i am grateful for my children, they bring me much joy everyday.
4. today i am grateful for my conscious contact with my HP i know i am in contact when i am filled with joy.
5. today i am grateful for my skills to be updating my twitter account, my blog, my facebook and my email. i have a lot of contacts today, so i am not alone, this is good.
todays thought;
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

--Helen Keller

Friday, June 26, 2009

and my garden still grows

mealy bugs!!! oh my gosh, i was inspecting my 4 foot tall tomato plants and found some dead leaves, so i was cleaning them and thought there was a mold type fungus on them and when i went to wipe it off with my wet towel, it moved!!!! i never saw mold move before!! white and fuzzy and it had legs. they are eating my tomato plants. so before i panicked i looked them up on line to see what the heck they were first, then what to do about them, apparently i do not have any parasitic wasps out there or they would be eating them, so Wes found this "organic" mix online, 1 tablespoon dish soap, 1 cup vegetable oil- mix together, then take 1 to 2 teaspoons of this mixture and put it in a spray bottle with one cup water. so i went to the dollar store for a spray bottle and sprayed the whole bottle on my garden. i am going to be gone for the weekend and i don't want my garden to be gone when i come back. i picked like 4 or 5 of those guys off my plants, yuck, then i showered.

oh and my sister made it back to the states, and she made it to new york in record time to see her daughter graduate high school.

i have spent the day dealing with a broken washer, with a load of laundry in the water, then washing the van out inside and out for our trip tomorrow. then we made Paula Deens sugar cookies with icing on them for the road, if my kids want something sweet it is best if i make it, it may have sugar, but it will be a heck of a lot better then the crap they pawn off in the truck stops. plus Paula Deen makes really good sugar cookies, her first ingredient is butter.mmm
then i marinated these beef short ribs and cooked them for about 4 hours, yummy. then i just finished counting out 1521 newsletters, i need to distribute them across the region, usually by mail, but since we are headed out of town i will get about four hundred delivered this weekend to save the fellowship some postage. tomorrow there is going to be a luau in Topeka and they are having a live band and a Tye- dye workshop and speaker meetings and goodies and i just love NA activities. so we will be visiting lots and lots of people tomorrow, then on Sunday we will be going to his family reunion, his fathers people. people neither of us know, talk about stepping out of your comfort zone, have you ever seen the wedding crashers? well we could very well be them since know one will know who we are, just the dead relatives Wes is related to. hey i told him i wanted to meet his family, i just thought he might know them before i did. i picked up some cheap sunglasses oh and borders has an online coupon for a free 12 ounce beverage from Seattle's best coffee, good until the 2nd of July so get 'em quick. i will let you know if the spray works, Wes was digging a little deeper and said another sight used methylated spirits, which is some kind of alcohol that you mix with chemicals so you cannot drink it. i think that if we did that it would cease being an organic garden. so if anyone knows if this stuff works please let me know. i am going to water my garden in the morning and then spray it down again, we will be back Sunday night and I don't want to come back to a dead garden, so i will give you an update. oh Wes wants to go to Missouri this weekend sometime, to get fireworks!! i swear men never grow up. he has boxes of firecrackers, and he never uses them all up and he is like a little kid when the 4th comes around I swear it is just the silliest thing, but i bet he thinks that of me when it comes to X-mas and the other holidays that i go all gaga over. so we may end up in Missouri instead of the luau, more will be revealed. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am so grateful my sister made it across the border safely.
2. today i am so grateful that i am learning to communicate.
3. today i am so grateful i have not acted out on a character defect all week. i may have vented online and in meetings and to my sponsor but that is what i am supposed to do.
4. today i am grateful for those two gorgeous smiles that wake me up in the morning. precious moments i swear sometimes my life is a hallmark card!!
5. today i am grateful for my health, i am healthy i know this because i had labwork done and i am not going to need insulin this year. this is good.
there are so many things to be grateful for and i easily forget what those blessings are. it is so important for my recovery to write these things down and read them outloud. this addict has a tendancy to forget the really important things in life. todays thought; "Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more."- Brother David Steindl-Rast

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- two fallen stars

Each Friday write a story of 55 words no more no mess
and report it to the G-man. Today's is for Farrah Fawcett and Micheal Jackson

"Just an instant, a moment in time
How quickly it passes, this life
that we Know,
A moment in time, a lifetime of moments
Both so talented, shining stars in your day
Gone in an instant, these stars of My day.
May you Both Rest in Peace and
May your Families
Comfort Each Other Tonight."

Here you go G-man, hope i counted right, i felt so saddened today by the loss of Miss Fawcett, then to suddenly lose Mr. Jackson, this world just isn't the same. I hope you all have a wonderful Friday, i will stop by and check you out when i can tomorrow, we will be out of town this weekend.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

letting go looking forward

well the therapy session is kicking in, i am coming to an acceptance that my daughter will never forgive me. it has been over a year with this counselor and we are still at square one. the counselor says "A" says her mother died, when my mom died. um, all i know is i cannot keep allowing her to manipulate me, she has this way where she will come to me and ignore wes and ask me for something, then i go to him and ask for her. this is an effort to avoid tension and to of course achieve the unattainable, make her love me. this is my problem, my monster i created it all by myself.
so i have these two really adorable little girls who light up a room when i walk in and i cherish them so much it hurts. and all i can do is use "A" as a reminder of what these girls will feel like if i ever relapse. and it really, really hurts.
so how does one detach? how do i not get angry at her unwillingness to let go of the past and live today. how do i not let my feelings get hurt by this little girl? i don't know what to do. i did not call my sponsor, because i didn't want to hear it. you know she would say something like "well suzie, you have been doing this for a long time now and when you are done letting her hurt you you will be done." when what i am looking for is some i don't know an answer that is like a recipe card, you add flour and milk and get pancakes ok i want a clear and honest suggestion something tangible that i can look at and see and try. i have willingness to try really i just do not know what i need to do.
it is like the coming to believe thing, i don't know how i did it i just did. i know what i did to get here, step work. this is really hard because the reason i got into recovery, the thing that made me quit, was my daughter. i thought i would do this recovery thing and she would forgive me and all would be well. mom forgave me, my mother was very proud of my recovery, i had 3 years when she died, i took my coin to her in the nursing home to show her, she had her eyes open and smiled. now part of me is angry at her. for smoking those fucking cigarettes for so long for getting sick and not being here to help. i hate cigarettes i hope one day they get banned completely.
on another topic i mowed the yards today and i had this netting up for my snap peas to climb on and a little robin got caught in it. i tried to untangle him and had "A" go get the gal across the street to help me, we managed to get all the netting cut off the little guy and when we went to release him, he flew right back into the netting!! then through it then away. but i was like "NOO" poor little thing so i took down all the netting, my peas weren't doing so well anyway and i need my robins in the garden, they are meat eaters you know.
the space age tarp they installed is getting dryer, tomorrow they will come in and install a sump pump, they will call an electrition to hook up the electrical socket and they will find the lowest spot and dig in the dirt and put the thing in there and this will all be done at the rock bottom price of $550. installation included!! i still don't know why my paperwork says very clearly that this stupid thing will keep ground water out period, not with a sump pump but the liner will keep ground water from coming though so why do i have to pay any more money!!!
we had a great day today though, i took the girls to the pool and we all got a little too much sun, we are going again tomorrow, i have been to work out 2X this week so this makes week number 3 now and i have been getting stronger again. i hope. so i will go again tomorrow. this is a good thing. so i guess that is all i got, oh gratitude list right 5 things ok;
1. today i am grateful for getting to know my neighbors those wonderful people that help with abandoned yards and tangled birds. thanks to you guys out there who care.
2. today i am grateful for my farmers tan. it took me 3 years in recovery to wear tank tops and shorts. i hated my body that much so i would wear long sleeve and pants in 110 degree weather, well not today, i even wear a great big swim suit!! this is good.
3. today i am grateful for my awareness, and not forgetting the past, i do not ever want to go there again.
4. today i am grateful for my fearlessness. i am able to step out and try new things in life today. that is a lot of fun.
5. today i am grateful for my blogging community who takes time out of thier precious day to read my thoughts and give me words of encouragement. my gratitude speaks beyond measure to all of you who care so much. it gives me hope and faith because i know i am not alone and i am connected to a greater community. thank you for stopping by and saying hi.
today's thought;"Forgiveness is loyalty to the truth of who you are. To truly forgive someone is to recognize who they are, to admit and affirm who they are, and to know that their best selves will be brought out only in the presence of an accepting and believing person. Forgiveness is basically the act of believing in another person and not allowing that person to be destroyed by self hatred. Forgiveness involves helping people uncover their self-worth, which is usually crusted over by their own self-hatred. This is a way of forgiving people that does not make you look good but makes them look good. That's the way God forgives us. In the act of forgiveness, God gives us back our dignity and self-worth. God is loyal to the truth that we are. God affirms that we are good persons who have sinned. God asserts that we are not bad."--Richard Rohr

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

sponsor's are Human too

so i called my sponsor yesterday and she wasn't there. so i called 3 other women and no answer there either. well it was not such a great day anyway i was exhausted from the bean being up all night, my sinus's were draining and i had a horrible headache i think maybe a summer cold, or the swine flu. so "A" made dinner, i did not go to a meeting as i was laying down and then viola, my sponsor called.
so i told her of my dilemma, and how Wes said we were putting the house on the market. then i told her how i felt when i suggested that we put a deposit on an apartment, they could hold for us through august, and he shut me down. she said what else is new. you have been having communication problems. then i told her i haven't heard from my sister, and she said, where is your sister? i said they are in Juarez Mexico, then she goes, "this is not a good time to be going to Mexico" with a hint of panic in her voice. i said "uh, duh?" that is what i told you my concerns last week. it was like she never even heard me!! then she said well i know but i just watched a documentary about that place and it is not good. DUH!!!!!
so with communicating to Wes my problem is this, i feel like when he shuts me down it is like "no we are doing it my way" he doesn't say that but that is how i feel. then i just say whatever and supposedly let it go, right? wrong, because i end up stewing over it and i feel like i am not being heard, hello and then it back builds, until something inane happens and i pounce on him and just start a huge screaming match out of left field. so how do i stop that from happening, that is my real question and that is what i tried to convey to my sponsor that i see this pattern and it is in the beginning part and i don't want to just stuff it.

so last night after Wes got back from his meeting i tried to explain it to him. i said "Wes when you said that we were not putting a down payment on a place you shut me down, it made me feel like my opinion didn't matter." he looked at me and started to speak, and i interrupted him, "please let me speak, so i said nothing and you thought i was getting short with you, the problem is you do this all the time and i am trying to keep it out in the open so it doesn't turn into a fight. i end up not letting go and then fighting about it later when we are talking about something else." so he said "uh- huh". and i just said " i am trying to not stuff my feelings so that we don't end up fighting." and that was that. then of course i tossed and turned about it all night because i was stuck on his enlightened "uh-huh" like does he not know i am trying here!!" so my addict had expectations there about him actually showing me some gratitude for not picking a fight.

so i haven't called my sponsor yet, as she works 3rd shift. and today i am the one getting the counseling session and i am anticipating it being a "beat up the addict mom" session. so a little worried there, and i told my sponsor i would call her afterward. i have to go get a prescription for my brother, and then to the gym, i don't want to stop going so i need to hurry this a bit, gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful that i didn't get into a fight with Wes last night.
2. today i am grateful for my back not hurting as it has been.
3. today i am grateful my garden continues to grow, i have 36 green tomatoes out there.
4. today i am grateful that i do not care who reads this, this blog is about how i am feeling and i am able to share what i need to share.
5. today i am grateful i do not go to hostile or bigoted meetings. it is not my responsibility to police the NA meetings, i just need to work on my recovery.
todays thought;"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about
learning how to dance in the rain."- anonymous

Monday, June 22, 2009

Life on life's Terms

well we had a wonderful fathers day. we went to a friends and bbq's some chicken and beef fajita meat for fresh tacos!! there was so much food there we could have fed an army!! dad got some new birkenstocks for fathers day, he loves them!! i wanted to get him a new fire pit but we couldn't afford it. i think he really liked what he got though, we sent him an e-card from the world wildlife federation too. and we made him one with the girls picture on it.
my sister is in Mexico and the book we ordered back in the middle of May just got here today. a little angry i am. did i mention i spoke with my brother about his new medication? yes it seems the doctors have put him in full blown AIDS status, so he is considered terminal now, and if he doesn't take this medication, he only has 1 to 3 years left. then another frustration, i went to the storage unit and pulled most of the things out of there and was going to put some things in our crawl space and low and behold there is water down there. you might remember me blogging last year that we had to replace all the pipes in the house and put a new hot water heater in. so we took out a HELOC and then found out the plumbers were not going to go down in the dirt crawl space with standing black water. so we found a place that would install this "state of the art" liner, the damn thing cost more then re piping the entire house and new water heater. really it was expensive and had a 25 year warranty. it was just great, except it hasn't quite been a year and now there is water in there!!
so yes i am a little frustrated. i called immediately and they came out this morning and said they would have to drain it and see what the problem is.
then the guys said that the liner works in conjunction with a sump pump and we do not have one. i said yes they said a sump pump would be a good idea but they told me the liner would keep the water from coming in. so to make a long story longer we are going to get this taken care of and put the house on the market. the last few houses on the street sold rather quickly.

now i have a new set of stresses, people coming into my house and invading my life to see if they want to buy it, finding a place big enough for my family that is affordable. packing. god we just unpacked everything from the storage unit. so much for my garden, i hope to harvest some veggies before the house sells but only time will tell.
today is very stressful my life is full of responsibilities and i have several phone calls to make still.
today's gratitude list, and boy do i need one
1. i am grateful for the air conditioning in my house, it is so muggy outside some people don't have this luxury.
2. i am grateful my Haley learned the ABC song, i think it is awesome that she has it memorized at only 3 years old.
3. i am grateful for some financial stability to be able to say ok put in a sump pump, it is not going to break us.
4. i am grateful for tonight's meeting that will help me to better deal with life's little(big) curve balls of stress
5. i am grateful for my sponsor, whom i need to call and tell of my woes. i think i will do that now.

the awareness of my feelings today has made it so i did not act out in my usual fashion which makes it unusual for me. very unsettling and i am still full of stress, but handling it well. i need to call my sponsor now, though and tell her my thoughts as for todays thought; "Sometimes it seems your ever-increasing list of things to do can leave you feeling totally undone." ~Susan Mitchell and Catherine Christie, I'd Kill for a Cookie

Saturday, June 20, 2009

smiles and gratitude

"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold."

--Maurice Setter
I love these pictures, i love my camera, i try to capture my girls at least once a week, they grow so fast. i have a tremendous amount of back pain this morning. i started out on the couch, Haley woke up crying and came out to lay on me. it was uncomfortable so
i took the recliner. then the bean woke up so i put her in the living room, on the floor. she got up and climbed into the recliner. i love cuddling with my girls, they won't be doing it much longer. but my back was hurting so i went into the bedroom. i haven't slept on the bed in months. it hurts my back something terrible. wes went to moline around 3:30am for some fishing, before he left he woke the bean up on accident and brought her in the room with me.
so my back is really hurting this morning. i still need to go pick up the film from my mri, that showed several bulging discs and a cyst, not to mention the osteoarthritis. the only thing that helps is getting up and moving around.
my haley is singing twinkle, twinkle little start right now and getting the words wrong, she is so dang cute. i love being with my girls they are amazing. i am heading over to a 9:30 morning meeting after a cup of coffee. today is "refugee day" i am not sure but i don't think it is a happy thing, but it is an awareness thing. i am grateful my daughters were born to this wonderful country we take for granted.

I also found out some facts about the health care reform, it is going to be done in parts, i think. the first part, which the president already signed into law was to make healthcare available to all children nation wide. i live in kansas where if you don't have medical coverage, your children do. period. i didn't know until the free dental clinic that we have every year that other states did not have this for their children. people drove from across the country to bring their children here for the dentist!! so for that i am grateful.

my sister is in texas, i tihnk amarillo right now. that is all i know.

we are having a thunderstorm right now and my garden is getting watered by GOD. cool huh.
so that is what is going on in a nutshell and i wanted to show you some of the smiles i get to wake up to every morning, now for my gratitude list to keep me where my feet are.
1. i am grateful for the smiles that wake me up in the morning.
2. i am grateful that my surrender to the program of NA has replaced my denial to character defects.
3. i am grateful for half and half, it goes great over cheerios.
4. i am grateful for the blessings my garden has brought to me.
5. i am grateful for my ability to reach out into the community and try to help make a difference.
todays thought; "Either you decide to stay in the shallow end of the pool or you go out in the ocean."--Christopher Reeve

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Friday Flash 55- Dear Sister

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words no more
no less and report to the G-Man.

"Today you begin a journey no one knows
what's in store for you and your family.
May this Blessing keep you safe and warm.
May you enjoy every moment of this
trip with your family.
And may you and your family find
Your way home.
We will wait and we'll pray for your safe return."

So here ya go G-Man this is for my sister who is going to Mexico tomorrow and I hope for her and her families safe return.
todays gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful i am a legal American!! I don't want to go to Juarez.
2. today i am grateful that i was able to find some facts on the health care budget plan.
3. today i am grateful i keep the chaos out of my life.
4. 26 tomatoes!! i am grateful for the plentiful fruits i am being blessed with.
5. today i am grateful to be living clean 4 years, 5 months and 10 days.
todays thought; Life got immeasurably easier for me when I got passionate about taking responsibility for my own situations while deferring any responsibility for your life situations to you..."- Unknown

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Anticipation.... it kills me. do you know what anticipation means it is an expectation!!! AAAUGHH us addicts are not supposed to have expectations, yet it is a close to me as that hot dog on the puppies nose and i really, really want it.
If surrender is better that denial what do you get for awareness? some of the things i ponder are really simple when you look at them and my issue is staying in the moment. looking down at my feet and being right where I am supposed to be is absolutely a very difficult thing for me. and i anticipate, i anticipate tomorrow and the next day and go over things in my head like the area business meeting and i find myself not where i need to be and that is in the moment. i did look up the definition and it also means hope, which my little addict brain could easily twist up into something i don't need to be thinking.
So i went to a womens meeting tonight and it was really refreshing i checked out a new home group on monday and i think it will be great. oh and i went to the healthcare information workshop. i looked up the organizing for america and found this event to see about getting involved. now this is funny because this little addict never goes outside her comfort zone, now i am going to someones house whose address i got off the internet, Have I Lost My Marbles!!!! NOOOooo, i googled the lady and it turns out she ran for city counsel last year, locally. she was middle aged and looked very elegant on the political page. so i figured it would be ok, then i put my happy little ass into my mini van and drove over to this upscale neighborhood in cut offs and a tank top. I thought i may be a little under dressed but it was 100 degrees out so it would be ok. so i knock on the door and no one answers, so i ring the doorbell and still no answer. well by now i am like, "Damn it man i want to make a difference answer the door!" so i gave one last ring and here she comes to answer the door in her t-shirt and panties!!! no kidding and i thought i was under dressed!! she forgot about the workshop!! so she invited me in and said she was going to get a shower and would i just answer the door, then she pulls out this folder and we start talking and next thing you know an hour goes by and she never even put her pants on!!
I had a blast, we got a little work done and i came home and emailed her some information i had about the medical plan and we will go from there.
and here i was anticipating this whole formal affair thing and i thought i was going to be like the ghetto one or something but it was really fun and she was a real neat gal and i think i made a new friend today, we both have a belief that everyone deserves equal medical coverage, we both believe we can help to make a difference and we are going to try, so how cool is that!! Try something new you might just like it!!
Gratitude list- 5 things
1. today i am grateful for the YMCA and going to the swimpark with the kids.
2. today i am grateful i got to see my haley learn to doggy paddle- it was awesome!!
3. today i am grateful i reached out to a newcomer. i hope she is still clean.
4. today i am grateful that my vehicle is in good working condition.
5. today i am grateful for the two little jalapeno peppers growing in my garden, they are so cool!!
Todays thought; "As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."- Henry David Thoreau

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

life and all its blessings

The epitome of self will. ever been there, where you are just pushing your will so hard it is a lot like this poor puppy. i find myself here a lot. i went to the area business meeting on sunday, and i left there wondering what the business meeting really helped. what are we doing there but wasting our time. i spent quite a few hours working on my report and nobody listened. nobody cared and it is like you know i have these beautiful children who hang on every word i say, and i leave them at home so i can go to this business meeting where we try to conduct business for NA in our area and the only thing i have seen these groups do well together as an area is our dang campout. my home group shut its doors last week due to no attendance. we were already going to close the doors in august if we had no attendance but the meeting schedules were so fouled up they had our one meeting night on the wrong night, and no other group cared about this. the groups just don't care. i wasted the resources of my group carrying the brunt of the work in our public information committee and no other members continued to go on a regular basis. when i stopped working for the public information committee my group ended up on the wrong day. my heart and soul is in service, to my fellowship and to my community. i want to give back and what i need to ask myself is where will i be more useful. i do not want to be a part of an area that doesn't blink and eye when a group shuts down, or doesn't care that members are stretching themselves so thin in service they are burning out and never coming back. i don't think I am burning out i think i am going to find another way to serve, not this area but to be of service. tomorrow i am going to a meeting to get information about the health care plan the president is trying to pass in congress. i tried to talk to my sponsor and she went off about how angry she is about the president and how he promised change and she doesn't see it. this is the same thing at the area business meeting if you don't pay attention to whats going on and try to find a way to be a part of and make a difference then you will never see change you will sit with a closed mind and always have something to complain about or some one to blame. you know the president put into effect equal pay for women. do you know he closed guantanimo bay, you know he is making it a law that credit card people cannot target and loan money to people who cannot afford it and there will be an end to tricky intrest rates. the credit card companies did not eant him elected and they are gauging right now because there will come a time soon when they won't be able to practice like loan sharks, mortgage companies won't be sellnig mortgages and they won't sell 300,000 homes to people who cannot afford it. there will be a time where we will all have to come up with a 20 percent down payment to buy a house. imagine that having the money for something before you buy it!! what a concept.
i am an obama girl and i don't post about it much, oh did i mention he got the car companies to sit down with the EPA and discuss the future of the auto industry and the new standards for cars from america are going to be higher than what the EPA first asked for. you know i know he is going to make mistakes and he has and guess what he went on TV and said "I made a mistake" wow taking responsibility for his actions and then doing something about it.. gee i thought all he had to do was say "I'm the decider!!" worked for the last president. i mean i have read some of the articles against this healthcare policy, lou posted something a while back and i did some more digging into it and you know those republicans love fear. they sell it like nobodys business and some of the excerpts taken from some of the stories and edited in another sure made the policy look bad. So tomorrow i am going to go and get somemore information to go with the 120 page pdf document layout of his health plan and how it is going to get paid for and get some more information. you know what I read the pharmacutical companies are going to have to charge less, the insurance companies are not going to be able to not cover someone due to a pre- existing condition. i mean the way they are doing business now is they (the pharmacutical and insurance) are dictating to the doctors how and what to prescribe and paying them to push their drugs. You know my mother used to take quinine for leg cramps due to dialisys. then somebody decided there was more money to be made so they now only allow quinine to be prescribed for malarya. they wanted to give mom narcotics instead! unfortunately for mom malarya was one of the few things she didn't suffer from. so i have a big passion for healthcare reform, i know both obama and clinton had a great plan they were working on and i know during the campaign obama said he was going to ask us americans to stand up and help, so that is what i am going to do. i am going to try do make a difference where it counts. i am not going to sit ther with a torch and pitchfork ready to attack the comander in chief for not working fast enough. i am going to do what i can to help and work together and focus on a solution instead of looking at the problems that were there way before he got elected into office.
gratitude list 5 things;
1. i am grateful for the awareness of my actions today.
2. i am grateful that i think about what my motives are before i speak and i try to be honest and caring when i do speak.
3. i am grateful that the sunset tonight was colored in several shades of red, purple and orange.
4. i am grateful there was minimum damage to my garden last night.
5. i am grateful i have more women in recovery to call on when i have an issue and that i choose to not call on the ones that co-sign my behaviors.
todays thought; Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.-Anais Nin

Monday, June 15, 2009

Garden pics!!

I know it has been a while since my last post but man have I been busy. I just got my newsletter finished and emailed out and now i have more service work to do tomorrow.So here are a few garden pics.
Though i must say it was a couple of days ago, last week when I took these and it ha grown so much even since then. Though now it is drowning in a terrible thunderstorm, I will check for damage in the morning.

The first pic shows my tomato plants and just north of them you can see my bush beans and the sugar snap peas are just in front. Then there is a row of red lettuce and spinach.
The next pic is a view of my Vine row. The biggest of course are my squash then there is a cantaloupe which has flowers on it and there is also a butternut squash and a watermelon that is not getting large leaves but is growing really long. and in the front or south side by the house there are 6 cucumber plants growing in just beautifully. The next pic shows the huge flowers from the zucchini plants coming in there are dozens of them on there now.
the next pic is my bean she was at the library playing with the world!!We took a trip to Topeka again to see Mom and the kids did some shopping and had a real great time. we are heading back that way in two weeks.

See here are my girls doing some shopping for hats in Lawrence, KU country. boy does that town hop!! Look even a rare picture of "A" smiling!! wow hold your breath and mark your calenders people we don't see many of those from this little grump!!! Anyway I am real tired from working all night i will post in the morning i was just dying to get these pictures out, my computer wouldn't let me upload for a week or more. So oh, i promised my sponsor a gratitude list. today 5 things right
1. I am grateful a tornado didn't hit us tonight!!
2. I am grateful to be going to the gym again, 3X's last week and today as well.
3. I am grateful to be able to go see my treatment counselor tomorrow. she is the one who sent me to NA.
4. I am grateful i found my tutorial notes. they were missing for a month, left them in Augusta!
5. I am grateful for David Letterman. i gotta say this, he never said the word rape, Palin should and does know this, she knew it referenced her daughter on the cover of people in cap and gown with a baby!! Talk about exploitation and now using this as a soap box!! Double standards, so her daughter isn't innocent she needs to keep a close eye on the other one too and do you remember the interview she did as a down home mom in her nice kitchen stuffing hot dogs!! so i am grateful for people with a sense of humor. Todays thought;

Very little is needed to make a happy life. It is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.

--Marcus Aurelius

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Friday Flash 55- Gardening gratitude

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words
no more, no less, then report to the G-Man!!!!

To watch my garden grow gives me
insurmountable pleasure.
As each new flower blooms on
ripening vines too long to measure.
I check tomatoes for little critters
I pull weeds and plant seeds
Growing an insectary, and sacrificial plants
to keep it all organic
Pride for me is harvesting
Natures own with my little children.

Here ya go G-Man, would have pictures but something is wrong with my upload thingy on the computer, need to fix that and show you all how much it is growing, i have 8 tomatoes today and there are probably a dozen huge flowers on my squash plant. Just awesome to watch it come alive. Hope you all are well will try to get by and comment on your 55's. todays thought; "Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some."- Dr. Robert Fulghum

step 6

OK i finally finished my 6th step!! only took me 4 and a half years. do you think i will be at twelve by 10 years? i am hoping to speed up the process but then again my sponsor tells me to try to not have expectations and to live in today, be where my feet are.
so step 6 to recap is "we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
what is a character defect and why do i have them. learning about myself in the steps is an incredible gift, what's more learning to see where i start the bad behaviors is very, very humbling. take pride for example. this is a double edged sword, because for me i never knew i had pride, in fact i always hated myself and never liked anything about me. so in recovery i am learning to like myself and take care of myself and have pride in the work i do. but my inner addict has a way of twisting up an asset into a liability. for my character defect this is what i wrote about pride; " for me pride is the part that wants to be right, wants justice wants an apology, wants satisfaction, wants to be noticed, wants people to like my work wants me to be worthy it keeps the fight going. Depending on a situation i can continue to work on something until it's done like with the convention my pride was willing to change my own design and do what everyone else kept asking just so they would accept the artwork.
or i dwell on a problem or issue something i am angry about, like putting the kids to bed, i feel they can just cry themselves to sleep , he feels they need to be coddled. now my pride is creating a "him against me" battle ground where he is the enemy because he is wrong. it is like instead of getting rid of a character defect like low self esteem, it changes into something that feels more powerful or strong like pride and anger. which is ego. but i would rather feel tough and strong with pride and anger than weak and pitiful with low- self esteem and insecurity. now my inner addict has turned a potential asset like to be proud of oneself into a liability. and it gets very tense in this house when i am acting out on this character defect.
with stepwork something i can do is learn to identify what i am feeling by being totally honest with my thoughts and actions and try to apply the spiritual principles of surrender to help me let go of my self will to want to win an argument, nothing is that important. empathy to see what the other person is going through, to hear their side of the story. forgiveness to free myself of the anger that is trying to take over. humility to get me back into reality during an argument and not blow it way out of proportion. look at the issue at hand and love it helps remind me that this person is not the enemy that i do love them and to stop treating them like the enemy.
trust and believe there were many more character defects that we went over these past few months and this is just my journey with the steps, remember i have never done this before so i really am trying to use the tools available to me because when i do turn my will over and i remember to be right where my feet are, i have peace and serenity. being an addict in recovery has taught me a lot, i will always be an addict, and just because i have worked on a character defect does not mean it is gone it means i am aware of it and i have a choice when i am in the moment i can choose to apply my spiritual principles or i can sit and be miserable. today i don't want to be miserable life is too short to not be happy and i need to be constantly vigilant of my recovery. i need to do the work nobody can do this for me. and i cannot do it for anyone else, we all have to find our own way. so i need to remember to pray, check my motives and have some faith that all will be well. all i need to do is follow direction, that is what working the program of NA means to me, to do it someone else's way, because my way never worked for me. today all i have to do is try, if it doesn't work i will try something different.

five things i am grateful for today-
1.my sponsor she has helped me so much getting through these steps
2. Wes's ability to roast coffee, i just had the best cup of sumatra blue batak. my favorite is guatamalan but we couldn't afford it last time.
3. my daughters, right now they keep turning into puppy dogs, it is so cute watching them wag their little buts and pant.
4. my garden has been something of late that has given me lots of joy. i go out there multiple times a day and sometimes just watch it grow.
5. i am grateful for chocolate pudding, i love chocolate pudding it is yummy and smooth and creamy.
todays thought; "God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."- Mother Teresa

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Grateful, Recovering Addict

what a wild weekend and what an emotional day. first off we had so much fun this weekend it should have been illegal. the kids got sunburned and had a blast everyone ate and fellow shipped and had a great time in all i would say there were about 75 campers and about 50- 60 day trippers on saturday alone. we had 3 other campouts to compete with and we still had a fantastic turnout. i feel it had a lot to do with the meals being provided and making it cost effective for everyone around what with layoffs and all we still had a bunch of recovering folks being able to afford a great time with their family.
then the emotional roller coaster and i don't even know where it came from, i was going to post last night but felt so miserable i just couldn't do it. i felt so in panic and fear my whole being just consumed with insecurity and ego and i was edgy and angry and i cried a lot. and it was all for nothing, or maybe something i don't know. i know i couldn't surrender and live in the moment and i could not for the life of me pick up a phone or sit down and write i was just suddenly filled with self loathing and fear and all the negativity of a using addict. you know i read about david carradine and how they found him hanging in a closet in bankok. his family just refuses to believe he killed himself, they say that he battled addiction years ago and won, that he was better but we addicts are never better we are in recovery and need to always be vigilant in working our program or how quickly it can come up and consume, it is hard for earthlings (non-addicts) to grasp this. yes he fought his addiction but an addict is never cured and as i read his story it scared me and i felt for him because i knew his addiction got the better of him. it almost got the better of me and it was just that quick. it is so hard for family members to grasp just how powerful this disease is and that using drugs is just a symptom of that disease. for me drugs can take the shape of any form for example a cheeseburger and fries. i know a lot of people laugh at the concept but anything i use outside of myself to make me feel full inside is my drug of choice today. and what i am then lacking is a CC or Conscious Contact with my HP or higher power. i struggle with my character defects and do not want to settle today, my program tells me i do not have to settle and yet i do not go to the gym, i do not get together with my sponsor as often as i should and i feel homeless without a home group. my group is shutting down and we tried to keep it open for 2 years with no support now the new meeting schedules were just the nail in the coffin for us our meeting is posted on the wrong night and no one has the right information. i really needed to post since i haven't since friday and my sponsor asked if i do gratitude list and i told her that i usually do that on wednesdays so she said to practice writing 5 things i am grateful for each day to try to keep me in the moment because i am having trouble staying in today. so here goes;
1. today i am grateful for my sponsor and taking the time to go over my character defects. just talking removed a ton of fear and anxiety today.
2. today i am grateful that i could appreciate hearing my girls giggling in the halls today. though i spent most of it in hiding so that i wouldn't yell at my children i did hear the laughter and really appreciated it.
3. today i am grateful for my garden and how wonderfully it is coming in i need to post some pictures maybe tomorrow.
4. today i am grateful for my boyfriend Wes. he listened to me completely broken down and crying and feeling all negative and told me that i mean the world to him. he asked me what needed to be done and asked me to change my plans to take care of myself, he told me it was ok to take care of myself and let the rest go. he shows me everyday how much he loves me and our family and sometimes i try to run away from it. and through it all he still loves me, kind of korny but he truly is my other half. the rational half!!
5. today i am grateful for my health, i have no diabetes, no cancer, cholesterol is great and all my screenings were perfect. i am blessed with good health today and for that i am grateful.

see it does feel better to focus on the good things in life. i am also grateful for this blog and my fellow bloggers who take time to take a look at how we are doing and drop a line to show you care. this is really a great thing and i am so grateful i started blogging. todays thought;
Five rules to be happy.
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.


Thursday, June 4, 2009

Friday Flash 55- Step two

Every Friday write a short story of 55 words no more no less and report back to the G-Man. He will count and double check to make sure you used up the right amount.

Learning to surrender is a process like no other.
So begins the journey guided by another
Spiritual Principles so uncommon to addicts
Brimming in Self Will, Fear and Rage,

Now Acceptance, Faith and Trust
is where I need to go
When I learn these foreign words
That are part of the Language of Letting Go

Here you go G-Man, how am i doin so far? it seems to be getting easier each week, soon I may even get a dictionary to compete with your vocabulary!!

summertime fun

This is from last years campout, my Haley got to feed the ducks, we caught some good sized channel cats, we had lots of NA cars there and the beautiful sunset, I photo shopped the picture for a slide show i did of the campout.
This years campout has a new name, no more "addicts on grass" but the new name rocks too- "The First Tradition Campout" you can go to www.marscna.net to find the full itinerary of this weekends event.

Today I have a gratitude list,
today I am grateful, my diabetes screening was perfect, no diabetes!!
today I am grateful, I am not brimming with the fear of a newcomer, I even went to a meeting last night.
today I am grateful for this blog, after the last post I felt much better inside writing truly helps the soul.
today I am grateful to be able to hold my beautiful girls and love them with all my heart.
today I am grateful for surrender, i surrender my will and let life happen, instead of getting in the way and trying to control the outcome today.
today I am grateful, the campout is this weekend and there is a special place in my heart for this campout. it brings the most unity to our area, every group gets involved, all the meals from Friday nights dinner to Sunday morning breakfast will be provided. If you find yourself in the area stop on by, we will be at Lake Afton in Goddard Kansas Shelter 5. We have tye-dye workshops, foolish Olympics and so much more truly a blessing to get together and fellowship with clean, loving people. Campfire meetings are just amazing. All you pay for is your tent site at 7 bucks a night!!
As you can see i am excited and I am going to take my farmers tan to the lake this weekend and try not to burn!!
My MRI results for my back are in and my Dr. tells me that I have several bulging disks in my lumbar and a cyst. I told you my back hurt, i was afraid to take pain meds because i didn't want to relapse and now at least i know I was not making the pain up in my head. So we will see what is next, i have an appointment with a neurosurgeon July 11, yeah it is a little way out, but my back only really hurts at night, the gardening really helps stretching it out so I will be OK till then, at least I have some serenity knowing there is something wrong other than the osteoarthritis.
Today i am grateful, it is summertime!! Campouts and smore's and FISHING!!!! if you can't make it to our campout look on a website for a fellowship near you and go have some fun, life is too short not to enjoy this beautiful weather and wow FISHING I just can't wait!! I will post my 55 tonight, right now I need to get my newsletter done and off to the printer and make some signs for the tye- dye workshops this weekend, hope you all are enjoying this beautiful weather we are having a nice high of 70 is just delicious!! today's thought; If I choose to live a life where I refuse to open my mind to new ways of thinking and new experiences then I will remain in the same place I am now - nothing will change.You're never fully dressed without a smile!- Anonymous

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

In Loving Memory

Dr. George Tiller
August 08, 1941 - May 31, 2009
Wichita, Kansas
I am dedicating this post to a wonderful man who never got the support he deserved in his lifetime. Dr. George Tiller, was gunned down in his own church Sunday morning. He was my doctor once and I am not ashamed to say so. I do recall driving at least a half a dozen women to his clinic over the years. Dr. Tiller stood up for my rights and took the heat for those of us who were too afraid to stand up for ourselves. I remember watching the people stand out there and protest, never once did I or any other woman who used Dr. Tiller ever stand up and be a voice for him.
I had a wonderful weekend with my family and then I came home and read the terrible news. I remember there was a get together in Topeka this past weekend that prompted people to put giant banners on their homes that read "god hates america". It is so very sad to see the cycle of hate being taught to our children. This is such a very volatile topic and I am still going to voice what I need to share on this blog. If I receive any negative feedback I will simply delete the comments. That is the power of blogging. I cannot go into a meeting here in town and discuss my issues on this topic because there are just so many open minded people here in Wichita, where they gunned a man down in church, that I don't feel safe. There are "friends" I don't feel safe talking to about it either. I talked to my sponsor, I cried to her actually, I just don't understand why you would kill a doctor. Don't you see it was not him who wanted the service done, it was me, and every other woman who CHOSE to use his clinic of our own free will. His services made it so I may have the beautiful children I have today. People called him an animal and compared him to Hitler calling him a mass murderer. He never chose to have this procedure done, he has 4 children and 10 grandchildren. He simply made sure to be there for those of us who needed his services. Why did no one ever get angry with us women who chose to do this? Why did we sit in the shadows and never speak out for him, why were we always afraid to even mention this. We sit here and use this man for his services and let him put himself in mortal danger and do not speak out for our own rights.
My only shame is in not speaking up for Dr. Tiller when he needed me to. If every woman who had his services stood up to the hate mongers, I am not talking about the peaceful protesters I am talking about the people who incite hate and fear, the local terrorists, if we stood up to them we would probably out number them 1000 to 1. Today I am crying because I am sad that women will not be able to find help when they need it. Because of this there will be more babies born addicted to crack, more babies killed at the hands of their mothers who were forced to have children when they were not spiritually ready to have them. But I guess that is better than abortion, to kill your child after it is born. Then you will simply be found insane like Andrea Yates, who chased her babies down one by one and drowned them in the bath tub.
I live in a town as open minded as it comes, with bigots who hate gay and lesbians, hate mexican immigrants and hate womens rights. If people in my town had their way we still wouldn't be able to vote. I hope the Tiller family may find peace knowing Dr. Tiller died fighting for womens rights. Because when it comes right down to it, that is what this is about, a womens right to choose. this country is built on hope and I hope to help end the cycle of discrimination, intolerance, and hate. The only way to do that is to keep an open mind and to see both sides of every debate.
If you don't like this post, please do not leave a comment, it will not be published. This is a memorial to a man who I believe dedicated his life to help women everywhere.
today's thought;“An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.”
“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”- Mahatma Gandhi