Wednesday, March 31, 2010

gratitude in the fellowship

WOW my cup runneth over!! i received an email today in response to the one i sent yesterday asking for help with the information pamphlets and wow, i mean HOLY COW. The world service offices of Narcotics Anonymous is sending out 500 Information Pamphlets, including the ones i was needing for free!! They are sending them UPS so they will be here in time for the health fair!! I almost started crying, i mean the group has a little money so i was online looking for them and counting up the cost and no way could we afford this much material!! I spent the day burning up my printer making a ton of meeting schedules apparently there is an anti gang rally on Saturday morning and the group wants to be there and pass out meeting schedules to the community and they are going to take a sign up sheet and ask people if they want more information so we can mail them the pamphlets!! These guys rock!!.
OK gotta go it is quite time here. gonna spend it with my sweetie!!

growing family

This is the beans baby picture. she was only one day old. she was pink and perfect. i don't have Haley or "A's" baby pictures.

This is Haley at her one year birthday party, the bean was 13 days old.

Haley loves chocolate cake and always had that smile.

Here they are today, riding daddy like a horsey, and falling off.

still cheesing for the camera!! I swear they kill me with their smiles and is so sweet to be with them all the time. i know sometimes i get in my moods but for the most part it is love and today my recovery tells me it is more then just not using. it means not yelling, it means not hitting, it means to be direct and loving. it means not telling my children things like "why do you make me so angry?" you know things like that instill in a child a sense of whatever they are doing it is wrong. i always thought i was wrong. because i was told mean things, far worse then that. today i am grateful my children have a strong sense of security in me as their mother. and they don't always like me but they can trust in me to protect and love them. they go to bed at 8:30 and they get their teeth brushed and a story read to them, sometimes 2 at night. those were things i never had growing up, structure and a sense of security. they wake up in the morning and get (they are so spoiled) chocolate milk and they watch their morning PBS shows and we make breakfast together. Haley loves to help and it helps with her tantrums to have her come in and learn to clean and cook. she loves helping, i love teaching her, my mother taught me to cook very young as well.

i am swamped with service work, our new Hispanic group is off and running with public information service. they are signed up for a Hispanic health fair on the 10th of April and we don't have enough pamphlets, our area literature chair did not put our order in last month, she was going to do it today but it won't get here in time for the health fair, so now i am scrambling to get the right pamphlets we need in Spanish. i have to get my area report ready and i am working on a bi-lingual artwork for our area campout shirts. i really want to unify the area with the Latino community. i am excited about the new book world is working on, we just finished reading the 3rd chapter in a workshop i have been facilitating in Winfield. we are going to continue each week until we are finished with all three chapters and then submit review and input. the whole book is scheduled to be finished by April 2011 and so far it is amazing.
well my girls want to make some oatmeal this morning i think i will have a fresh fruit protein shake with some strawberries and peaches. we have hit the gym at least 3X's per week the last two weeks and are going again tonight. it is a beautiful 70 + day today and we will go play some baseball and hand till the garden, have not had time to rent a tiller but it is getting time to get planted and we have been over worked with life that i just need to get it going and get some starters planted. yeah spring is here!!
so for todays thought; "I am more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life then on the nature of those events themselves."-Alexander Humboldt

Friday, March 26, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- meditation

Every Friday write a poem, story limerick or prose of
55 words no more no less, then report it to the g-man!!

"have you ever watched the sunrise early in the morning
and taken a deep breath in and let the chill cool your lungs

have you sat to watch the sunset into the ocean
and looked so long the sun melted into the water

gratitude is taking the time to meditate
finding peace in all things."

here you go g-man, a little late but i am up. won't have time to stop by everyone's blog, heading out to a convention this weekend. i hope to find some of the peace that i speak of in my story. i hope you find some as well. have a great weekend and i will try to stop by when i get back in town. that is my own picture i took a couple of years ago of my favorite tree in Wichita.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Today i am grateful for my girls smiles.
today i am grateful for my recovery.
today i am grateful for the outpouring of love in the blogging community.
today i am grateful for dances with daddy.
today i am grateful for the beautiful spring weather coming.
today i am grateful for all the service work i have completed.
today i am grateful the bean can do the electric slide.
today i am grateful for friends in recovery.
today i am grateful for the blessings in my life.
today i am grateful for my silly bean.
today i am grateful for my health.
today i am grateful for my daffodils surviving the snow!!
today i am grateful for the beautiful pictures.
today i am grateful for the winter.
today i am grateful for the colors of life.
today i am grateful for my coffee.
today i am grateful for my working vehicle.
today i am grateful for my healthy perspective.
today i am grateful for my children and all their smiles.
today i am grateful for my family.
today i am grateful for my friends.

and Gillian still eats snow.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

just a sad day

i have been so filled with emotion lately, i am angry and sad. i am struggling with this step and i don't want to do it. my sponsor finally answered her phone and at this point i feel so indifferent. my oldest has not been home all week and when she does have a moment to talk to me it is hateful and hurtful.
last night we had therapy and i didn't like how it went i had felt like a child and i just didn't like it. then Wes said he was going to be gone studying tonight, even though it is spring break he will be gone until after the kids go to bed. so it will be just me and the girls, again. and that is what i said because i was going to cry and he said it was the most nonsupporting thing i could say to him. that did not go over well at all. i ended up sleeping in the living room and not speaking to him and i don't intend to speak to him for at least the rest of the day. i am angry and hurt and everything i say is wrong so best to just keep my mouth shut.
during the argument i told him he had a double standard and i couldn't believe i was with someone like that. when i asked to go to the convention and he could meet me there he didn't like it so i said it was un-supportive and he said why couldn't i see it as him wanting to be with me? well when i said i was going to be alone again why couldn't he see it as me wanting to be with him.
now i am angry and yelling at my children. they deserve better then me for a mother. you know it is like every time he says something negative it reinforces all the negative thoughts in my head. what ever i have done good up until that point goes out the window.
i have been a really bad blogger and i need to play with my children and have a whatever day. a day that if the laundry doesn't get done then what ever. if i want to take them to McDonald's then what ever i want to enjoy my day with my kids and i am going to start over and ignore the phone and my responsibilities to my home and just be with them.

on Monday my 'A' came back from Texas, she learned of a terrible accident on the turnpike. it happened at 4:40 in the morning a family was heading to Texas for Spring break and an SUV got on the wrong entrance to the turnpike and headed north in the southbound lane, he was going the wrong way. he slammed into the mini van and there was a semi truck following the mini van, it did not have time to stop.
the turnpike was closed for 14 hours cleaning up the burning wreckage and debris. four people died. my daughters friend was in the van, her, her mother and her nine year old brother all died in the crash, my daughters friend was a twin and her 17 year old twin sister is in critical condition at the hospital right now, she is paralyzed from the waist down and just lost her family. lots of tears have been shed since the accident and i don't think she will go to the funeral. my therapist told me to find out when it is and just take her, this is the fourth friend she has lost in 2 years.

life is terribly short and i feel my mortality everyday, the worst part is i feel my children's mortality. the other night i asked Wes if he thought he would see his father, who passed away many years ago, if he thought he would see him after he died, and Wes said no, he didn't believe in that sort of thing.
how can you have faith in a higher power and not believe? maybe my grief is getting to me, maybe i am full of fear. i don't know, i just know i am sad and angry. i don't like feeling this way and want to make it go away, i want to go shopping without money? will it make me feel better?

Suze Orman said that if you don't feel good on the inside it will show in your finances. maybe i will call my sponsor or go visit a friend. i need to not be alone and i need to not be so sad. i am grateful my family was not on the turnpike Monday morning. i don't have a clever thought or anything today i am too emotionally drained.
please take care of yourselves, and forgive me for not stopping by, maybe tonight since i will be alone i will use the time to check up on everyone.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- a moment of silence

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of
55 words, no more, no less and then report back to the G-man!!

"ever imagine a place so filled
with hope your spirit lifted

close your eyes and breathe in deep
totally grateful for this day you've been gifted

open your eyes to see a clear day
your mind is at ease and all is OK

this moment of silence we pray
for all those who died today"

Here you go G-man!! My favorite sound is that moment of silence we addicts take before and after each meeting. We take that moment together and pray for all those still suffering in and out of the rooms. For those lost souls who died in their disease, for those just about to come into the rooms and for the addict who picked up for the first time today, with no idea of what they are getting themselves into. I am truly blessed today and truly by the grace of God go I. I am really cracking into this 8th step and it is a difficult journey, but one I must take if I am to heal. So I will probably stop by tonight as I cannot sleep with all this in my head and I will give shout outs to those who played tonight. May you all stay safe and be grateful for today, it is a gift that is why it is called 'the present'.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Earth Hour 2010

ok i have been really busy but have managed to stop by a few blogs and check on some of my peeps, i just go down the roll until the kids start to fight. anyway i got a ton of service work done and started my 8th step. as you can see Earth Hour is fast approaching!!

i know there are some out there who just don't believe we need climate change, but i do and this is my blog so i can post what i like. and no i don't light candles to make up for no light. we just sit in the dark and it is pretty relaxing!!

this is not something that we are doing because we think it is going to change the climate by shutting off the lights, no this is more of a global statement to the powers that be, a statement united in hope that those in power will hear us and will start to listen to us when we ask for help to stop global warming.

there are things we can do to stop polluting our environment, clean energy is one, no more plastic bottles. hey did you know there is an actual island of plastic garbage floating in the Pacific ocean!! I saw it it sucks we need to clean up this planet and we need to work together.
Click on this VIDEO and maybe you will join us too!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Flash Fiction Friday- working my recovery

Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick, then report it to the g-man!! Click on the link to see who all played!!

"Dear Addict,

I see you there hiding in the corner

waiting for me to let you come over

I'm here to tell you your numbers up

I'm done playing games completely fed up

Recovery has given me pride given me class

Don't even think of bringing me down

Cause I'm ready to kick your ass"

Here ya go G-man. I miss those lovely dragons and Dr. John already, but I am moving forward and working my steps and really feeling the power of the program!!
We got a lot going on this weekend and some new Hispanic literature just arrived!! I hope to try and stop by in the morning with my fresh coffee to see everyone who played tonight!!

Call Your Sponsor

started my eighth step- finally. i have been done with 7 for a few months now and put my steps on the back burner. by the way most addicts get through their steps much quicker than this, i am in the remedial program, i want to get it right. i don't know why really but the funny thing is when i got to the first question of step 8 it said 'have i been hesitating to work this step?' i about died laughing!! it really eased my tension on working through this. then i got stuck.

do i have any resentments keeping me from making amends? at first i thought this was about hesitation again then i asked Wes, for two reasons. 1- couldn't get through to my sponsor, her phone is broken so i sent her an email. and 2- well i trust him and he was available. Wes explained to me that it is simply referring to people in my past that i may be angry with and that is why it says to write all the names down even if i don't know if i owe them an apology. and to talk with my sponsor about this.

there is a problem with calling my sponsor, so i usually don't. there have been times when i have left several messages and it sometimes takes a couple of days for her to call me back. then there are other times when i get through and or she calls me right back. i am not switching sponsors again, at least not until i get through the steps. by then i hope my sponsor is more available, and that i make myself more comfortable calling her again.

i don't know maybe i have a small resentment with my sponsor, at first when i would call her and not get a response Wes would ask me 'did you ask her to call you back?' so i started leaving in each message please call me back. i don't know because all my sponsee's fired me but i think i called them back when i missed a call, though i don't work 3rd shift either. at any rate i feel this step is going to take a lot of calling my sponsor and getting her on the phone so we can talk and i am not used to that. usually, i work through the book and then when i am done we get to spend an entire day, sometimes two depending on the step, and go over it and it is wonderful and she really shines as a sponsor with the steps and i absolutely love going through this with her.

so this is where i am at today, i need to call my sponsor and find out about setting up phone calls so that i may go over this stuff with her as i write it down. i think this is good because i will pick up the phone again. i have gotten out of the habit and justified it because she is so busy and i felt i was not a high maintenance sponsee and only needed to call when i was done with my steps, well this is a high maintenance step and i am very, very uncomfortable about it. the thing is i have faith that it will work, i have seen it work in the previous steps and i know this will work too. so i think i just wrote down my own solution to my problem. funny how that works sometimes.

ok so i have been a terrible blogger, i have almost finished the newsletter in Spanish all by myself!! i blew up my computer yesterday running photo shop and in design so much!! i had the blue screen of death twice!! it was awesome, i am almost done and i am so excited, my girlfriend came over and saw the artwork i used for the newsletter and wanted one for the group!! she is amazing and excited about this group and wants to start a Hispanic womens meeting as well!! my literature order should be here today, the first one for the group, from California, boy they were s-l-o-w. won't be using them again unless Wes buys me the special edition of the basic text!! they still have some in supply!! ooh, i need some coffee!! oh anyway we received the starter packet for the group but it was in English so i called world services and they said no problem they would send a Spanish version out in 7 to 10 days. so we will wait.

life is so busy, life is good today. i have been trying to at least stop by and comment on all my peeps today i will make an effort to get my flash Friday posted this evening we have a fundraiser for the convention on Saturday, my niece is coming in from New York on Sunday and we need to go to KC airport to get her Wes has a ton of studying "A" has a drill meet and the deadline for her ACT's are Friday. oh good news though, my doctor told me she would pay me for my blood work!! all my levels are beyond perfect she says. so no diabetes no high blood pressure no high cholesterol my thyroid is fine and my heart thing is called P.A.C.'s which she explained were like hiccups that are nothing to worry about. so i guess that leaves me with todays thought, which i am taking out of the just for today reading it is very appropriate; "Life is a process; the Twelve Steps are the key. Today, I will use the steps to participate in that process, understanding and enjoying myself and my recovery."- Just for Today daily meditation for March 4th

Monday, March 1, 2010

my cup runneth over...

there is a lot to be grateful for today, and my cup runneth over we had our women's sleepover
with over 70 in attendance it was spiritual and moving.
we rushed home and i had to get ready
for our new group i found out on Friday we had no chairs for the meeting so i put a call out on the
email to members in the area. there are 3 of us who are working hard to get this meeting
going, i sold 100 worth of cards and pictures actually about 80 dollars and a couple
of members donated some money. so a week ago i ordered some literature and had some money
supplies left. the order did not get here in time, we had no literature but i had the readings i
copied off so i copied off the first chapter of the basic text. i got to the meeting hall around 2 and
there were 5 guys there ready to help set up. they brought chairs and muscle and we cleaned
the room. i had made some fliers and one of the members took one of the fliers and made 50
copies and passed 50 copies. they told me one of the groups would let us use the extra chairs.
i told them i needed to get coffee and supplies and one of the guys said he would get those and
donate that to the group. then when meeting time came i was nervous as was my girlfriend who
had wanted to start this with me.
when we got there another gentleman was there and he had a
very old Spanish basic text that he donated to the group. i am not sure, but i think it is a first
edition. which would make it very valuable. another gentleman showed up with actual readings
he was holding on to for some time. our first Hispanic NA meeting had 10 members in attendance.
one group donated a Spanish step working guide, when the members saw that book they were
jumping with excitement. i swear it was like little kids at Disneyland!! our little room was full and
it was full of hope and recovery. by the time i left we had a request for 4 basic texts, 3
step working guides and more pamphlets. i put in another order last night for 90 dollars. so
right now our group has spent it's funds but i think, i think it is all good.
i am so excited for our new group, one of our members went to the probation office last week
with fliers and they told them about the meeting, the probation office is going to send the
Hispanics to our group!! the meeting was so amazing. now i need to look around for a facility
that could house a large group. we may need to get another group going so there is room for
Wes spent the weekend studying and doing laundry and being as loving and
supporting as he could ever be. i just am amazed today and grateful i did not listen to those
who said it could not be done, that i did not speak enough Spanish, that it was too big a
task. i have a lot of work to do before next week i will try to get to the blog world to
see how every one is doing, i hope all is well.