Tuesday, March 29, 2011

what's in your 'God box'?

one of my comments the other day was the question "What's a 'God Box'?" when i read my censored article to my therapist he asked me "What's a 'God Hole'?" these questions are easy enough to answer, especially if your in the program. It just never dawned on me that people wouldn't know what these were. my apologies, a 'god hole' is that emptiness inside. the emptiness an addict feels everyday and it is that emptiness that creates an obsession and compulsion to fill it with anything from the outside, usually drugs, to make one feel better. it is a spiritual void. a 'God Box' is a tangible mechanism for praying. you can look online and see many religious stores carry beautiful ornate boxes crafted with love and care and usually a big price tag. with this box, you can talk with your higher power, if you choose to call Him God, Buddha, the Creator, or even Bob. In my fellowship i am taught that the God of my understanding can be anything i choose the only suggestion is that He be loving and caring.

i am not a religious person, in fact I am a recovering catholic. if i were to say i was still a catholic today i would burn in hell for my sins. that is a terrible outlook for one to have. maybe i will burn, maybe i won't the point is today i have faith, and trust in my higher power. and for that reason today my life is no longer a living hell. my children pray and believe, when he hear sirens go by they know someone is hurt and we stop and pray that who ever it is is OK. Teaching them about the birth of Christ at Christmas time is a lesson in patience, and gratitude. and they understand the seasons reason and the season of giving to others. Now i haven't quite figured out the whole Easter bunny and how that ties into anything, but they love to hunt for candy filled eggs and have lots of friends over to celebrate the coming of spring and bbq-ing with neighbors. like i said i am a recovering catholic, never had my first communion, too expensive, and never finished catechism. couldn't explain easter if i wanted too.

enough of my personal theology back to the question of the God Box. i use one to pray. when i first came into the rooms i didn't have faith, or let me rephrase that, i had faith and i believed there was a god and i believed he hated me and that i was going to burn in hell just like my father, and i hated him right back. so to ask me to pray to something or someone i hated was a huge task.

note to the reader: i know there are kooks out there who read my blog and leave crazy jesus saves comments, trust me i will delete anything too nutty. i don't need or accept any added chaos in my life. i am not religious i am spiritual. i accept myself as i am, don't push your religion on me, especially if you are a member of the westboro baptist church. you will never make it on my page.

anyway, when i started to have faith my sponsor told me i needed a 'God Box' and i didn't know why, she said i could put my pains and fears, write them down on a piece of paper and put them in this box and give them to God. Hmm, what kind of hokey stuff is she talking about? well things started to get real tough for me early in recovery when mom got sick with cancer. she smoked for years some of you remember me blogging about this, lung cancer got the best of her. at that time i had less than 2 years clean and i was full of raw emotions, had a brand new baby and a 1 year old. probably had some ppd as well. it was rough, i loved my mother and i was angry with her and i had to take care of her, and i wanted to take care of her. i just didn't know if i was capable.

so i finally got a 'God Box' but it wasn't as fancy or pretty or decorated as what my sponsor had... this box seemed more fitting...
 mom decided to quit smoking before we moved in with Wes, then she got cancer 3 months later. she used these to quit and they worked so i thought i could have faith in this ugly little box, i still use today
 it has gotten so full that when i slide papers in one end they come out the other, so i have to open the box, it is a very therapeutic exercise. if you don't already have one, try it. then like a time capsule open it up sometime and see what you have learned to move on from...

 this prayer gave me goose bumps that i pulled it out it was dated 2008 and in it i asked God for help to not be angry at my Haley, to have a sense of humor with her so that i can be a better mom. i remember being so filled with blind rage at not being able to control my babies and i knew it was wrong to feel that way, i needed help and still do...
guess what the prayers work, today i don't yell at my children for being children i seek outside help for my behaviors i am not afraid of my emotions today and they don't  run my life today. my girls are happy and healthy and so am i. i am grateful for my 'God Box' today, i think i will put that in my box today........ so what's in your 'God Box'?

today's thought: "If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."- Morris West

Monday, March 28, 2011

missed a meeting tonight

i have been hitting the Monday night 8:30 pretty regularly for the past month. tonight i am going to miss it. i made the sales meeting and brought home my sisters kids so she could go to class, however Wes is on a conference call and i need to be here to watch the amazing 4 kids. no wii tonight just a bath and a movie, Haley is in her super suit and the bean is in her favorite nightie, i feel bad for missing my meeting, i don't want to miss it next week but i will have the kids again and i don't know if Wes will have a meeting on the phone.

after my niece left my house it seems that sanity is being restored. i received word yesterday via email that a  member in the region is in end stage liver failure, the doctors gave him less than a year unless he gets a liver transplant. he has double digit clean time and has been married for as many years to the same lady. i have worked with them both for several years. i really can't call them friends. they don't respond to emails, they don't call me up regularly in fact outside of a business meeting i never interact with them. i have tried on a couple of occasions to reach out to her but she never really seemed interested in small talk with me. i used to call her my favorite person to argue with, because she never raises her voice and she always goes back to the traditions. however this past year we have butted heads more than usual and with her husband, the one who is sick, he insulted me and i was very angry with him. we were in a business meeting and i said something about Mexican food and he said 'I love Mexicans everyone should own one!'

in a past life that would have been taken in jest or i would have engaged in some sort of sick bigoted humor. today i don't have any tolerance for those kind of hateful jokes. they are not funny. i don't like racist jokes or anti- gay jokes. i don't tolerate any of it and I don't engage. he is the type of man who is kind of hard you know in the email i read his response to the doctor about the prognoses was 'well it is a product of good living'. he has a tough facade and doesn't really care about such things, he probably meant no harm in it and i know there are hundreds of members he has helped and inspired over the years. i just don't happen to be one of them. i am not one of their inner circle though my sponsor is. and she knows how i feel and i know she loves them dearly. they don't seem to care too much for Wes and myself and well i am not sure how to respond. what to say, is there something i should say. i don't feel anything. not a loss maybe some empathy. a little angry.

for the past year Wes has been on a service committee with this man who has never shown up to any interim meetings and nor has he done any work. When Wes called him on this issue he was chastised for being a jerk. If Wes had known there was something wrong he would have had someone else do the work, if this man had any conscience he would have stepped down from his service position due to illness. Wes was chair of this committee and needed some accountability. now the hostility Wes was met with makes sense. but it doesn't, so what these people martyred themselves? I mean they say they don't want to be treated differently but I don't get it. So they confided in their inner circle who then treated us badly for not treating them differently?

what i do know is this is my last go at the regional business meeting. the old timers there are growing short as we lost one member and now another is sick, they won't have anyone to carry on in service if they keep running everyone out. i can't even call my sponsor on this as the lady is also her sponsee and i doubt she will understand anything i say. i think at the convention next weekend i am going to tell her i need to get another sponsor. i can't speak to any of the women i had in my support group. i feel we have grown apart and do not see eye to eye on anything these days. i don't like being stuck on this issue it is such a struggle and i wish i could have gone to the meeting tonight. i have Thursday after group but i really need to make an effort to get in another meeting this week. i don't even know where to go to a meeting. maybe i will go to Eldorado's tomorrow night.

i guess that leaves me with today's thought; "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."- Victor Hugo

Sunday, March 27, 2011

a little bit of therapy

i am in group therapy now, and i really love it. we are given real world assignments and have to come back the next week with our answers. it is hard work but it is so helpful. i know i haven't gotten one comment from my last post yet as it is only 7 hours old and i haven't stopped by anyone else's blog yet, but this last week at therapy i did not get a chance to share my homework and i worked real hard on it so i wanted to share my progress with you...

so we are working on interpersonal effectiveness and this was a multiple part assignment, the first part was to describe a life worth living, the second part was an inventory of strengths and difficulties in specific areas. so for the first part, which i got to share, this is what i wrote:

A life worth living…

What would that mean to me, a life worth living, I have one now. There are things I would change about myself however that would make it easier to live that life. Knowing what makes me emotionally vulnerable would be essential for a life worth living, then I would have the tools to be less reactive

I would have the skills to handle every day things without anger or acting out with bad behavior. I would still feel my emotions, but I do not want to act out on them. I like being able to feel today.

I would like to have some self worth. I would like to feel valuable. Worthy of the things I have in my life and I would like to have less guilt and shame. I would like to feel content and at peace with my days and my evenings. I would like to feel accomplished.

Anything on the outside would not matter if I didn’t have these things inside. If I could change the things I would like to change about me then I will have the life I’ve always wanted.

the following is the 3rd part of the homework we did not get a chance to go over, it is quite lengthy as i realize i have issues with  brevity.

Interpersonal Effectiveness Handout 3 Inventory of strengths and difficulties

1.) Lack of Skill:

I still get defensive when standing up for myself. I feel attacked when I am not. I still get angry at situations that don’t require anger, it is left over emotion from something else. I still take things way too personally, like when my niece is lying to me. I am emotionally vulnerable when it comes to money and finances. I still take it personal when I can’t add everything up right or when I make a mistake in budgeting I get very angry with myself and react badly towards everyone.


I am learning to say what I want and need. I am learning to listen to others and not turn it into an emotional roller coaster. I am learning not to twist what I hear into something it is not. I can ask for help today. I do not need to publically hang people for their actions. I treat people the way I want to be treated and I am not a doormat today.

2.) Worry Thoughts:

·      I worry someone will take my kids and do terrible things to them
·      I worry about catastrophic events and how it will affect my family
·      I have nightmares and sometimes let those thoughts invade my day
·      I worry that I am not good enough or loved and that I am a problem
·      I worry that I don’t deserve the things in my life because of my past and that it will one day come back to haunt me in the way of taking my babies from me or my fiancĂ©


·      I call my sponsor and support women when I am feeling bad and get those bad thoughts out of my head.
·      I use a ‘God Box’ to pray
·      I do things today that give me a sense of accomplishment.
·      I attend 2 meetings a week.
·      I work my steps
·      I use my handouts to find solutions when my head gets bad.

3.) Emotions:

·      I over react when it comes to money, like this stupid treasurers report.
·      I am unstable when I first wake up in the morning
·      I get scared when situations from my past come up.
·      I have trouble watching my teenage niece behave the same way I did, I over react and allow her to get the better of me it throws me off kilter.
·      I still have a fear of abandonment


·      My children are precious to me and I know today if I don’t appreciate them I will miss out. So I appreciate every waking and sleeping moment with them.

·      I love them so much it hurts. I allow them to love me.
·      I am learning to be a better parent and I am learning to model better behavior to them.
·      I am proud of them and I take pride in caring for them, I don’t complain about the opportunity to clean or cook for them and I love showing them how to help.
·      I love that their favorite thing to wear is nothing. They love to take off their clothes. When I was their age I was scared because I was already broken. They are safe and secure and happy. I love protecting that.
·      I love that they believe, we have faith. When we get scared we hold each other and it is OK.
·      I love getting sad with them and making it better.

4.) Indecision:

·      I have trouble setting boundaries with my oldest daughter.
·      I struggle with my decisions as a mother, I feel not good enough or that my decision is going to make her hate me.
·      I get angry when I ask her something and she refuses to answer or engage in conversation. I don’t know how to proceed with discipline, I feel like whichever way I decide it is wrong.


·      I listen to the wisdom of others when making decisions.
·      I validate myself with her by telling her I love her.
·      I allow her to see my fear and struggle with my decision, and I tell her why I made my decision in a loving and caring manner.
·      I don’t give in to her manipulations.
·      I walk away when I am indecisive to give myself a change to regroup and decide.
·      I put my fears in my ‘God Box’

5.) Environment:

·      Other people believe their own lies. (my niece)
·      She is threatened and reacts with manipulation and ego to throw me off balance
·      She won’t sit and talk about her part instead would rather martyr herself in a way that is harmful as an attempt to get me to chase her.


·      Tough love
·      Apologize for raising my voice and still stand my ground
·      Let her leave and take the house key back
·      Restore sanity in my house
·      Pray she makes better decisions for her life and let her go

well this is me and what i am working on i am grateful that i have not needed medication for
 my issues. i am grateful i can take a cold hard look at myself and work 
on the weaknesses that i need to work 
on to become a better person.
i am grateful for all the people in my life today. thanks again for sticking around...

todays thought: "Some people think it's holding on that makes one strong;
 sometimes it's letting go."- Sylvia Robinson

Saturday, March 26, 2011

a whole month has passed by...

where does the time go, so much to do not enough time in the day to blog, even comment or catch up lets see how well i can try in the time i am cooking dinner...

usfa happened, i was treasurer, secretary, registration, arts and graphics, po box. crap did i need help!! there were only eight of us helping put this thing together. we had 72 pre registered, we planned on 100 people showing up. we ended up with 216. crazy weekend and then some. met some great people in the program some great keepers of our history and some new faces wanting to help. i just finished the minutes, i was in charge of the first half and another gal, who is the official secretary, was in charge of the second half, mind you we had the whole 3 days to cover i only took notes for friday night and saturday day and could not keep up with registration and raffle and notes. so we decided since it was being recorded that we could stop taking notes, WRONG in all there were only 13 hours of recording my notes covered way more than the recorder did!! So after 3 week we finally got the minutes done, now i have the registration forms to finish tabulating in.

oh did i mention i am selling avon. yeah they give scholrships to representatives and their children and grandchildren!! KU is expensive and meal plans are like 3000!! dont even think about how much the dorms are!! we still dont know if she is getting into the military, they havent got back with the medical files yet she may be medically incapable of going. oh and i forgot she is talking with her bio-dad now. yeah i think i mentioned it. i am doing better with it.

 therapy is going well and my oldest is doing well with her therapy. there is some sanity back in our house my teenage niece is no longer here. i stood my ground with her and her game did not last long here, she refused to try to mend the relationship with her mother, she refused to admit she has ever done anything wrong in her life, she is a victim and a runner and i was sad and glad to see her go my relationship with a is improving greatly.

oh since i started writing this, my sister locked her keys in her car so i called aaa for assistance then went over there to help her get out or into her car then took the kids back here and did i mention i caved and we got a wii today. yes it is now 11 in the pm and the children just went to bed, they were a bit excited to say the least.

does anyone else feel like it is the apocalypse right now? i mean the horrific earthquake/tsunami that hit japan, the nuclear crisis, the not wars in lybia, i mean my god did we just bomb another country? dont get me wrong i was so proud when the citizens started their uprising in tunsinia and then won their freedom in egypt and then the lybians and i was like a big cheerleader screaming yeah, yeah and then like we bombed them. i mean like why, i ask you are the people in darfur less needy? what about south korea, i mean they were bombed completely unprovoked, twice and we said to the north...' tsk tsk now dont be so provacative' and we told the south dont get upset it was a misunderstanding now. seriously i am not stupid. if we are going to make a statement to stand up to dictators there are other countries we certainly could have helped out and maybe even won the day, quickly, before this.

liz taylor, geraldine ferraro, women of great stature and whom i highly admired are now gone. i will be 38 years old on april 5. i have a grey streak in the front of my head. i mean it is a streak of hair! well i am babbling now, hopefully i can write again soon and maybe catch up on all you guys, it gets kind of lonely in the real world these days...

take care of each other and yourselves thanks so much for sticking around, i miss you too g-man...


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

just some smiles

 loving dress up at school
this week they did not have school and i don't know why, only one class a week and no one told me it was cancelled. they were very disappointed
classic bean with her tongue out
sisters forever playing in the where ever they may be, this was at the doctors office

this is an old picture of my Haley back when she had curly hair. her smile lights up a room

well it is safe to say my days of being an editor for our region are over. i am officially finished with my last issue. i deleted my facebook account last week due to captain stupid being on there. i have now idea what he and my daughter talk about but she is on there a lot. i told her what went on between us. i prayed about it, and talked about it in group and someone told me that there comes a time when we have to let our kids know the truth. so that evening she came to me and asked me why i shut down my facebook, if it was because of her dad and i said 'yes baby it is because of your dad.' and she said 'i am sorry you hate him so much.' and i turned to her and said very gently ' honey i don't hate him, i am terrified of him. he was very abusive, very abusive to me.' she said she remembered me being in the hospital, and i told her if she remembered me in the hospital it wasn't because of her dad, it was because i was sick. i never, ever went to the hospital over what he did to me. though i should have.

so i told her about the day i got mud on the carpet, every detail, what we were doing, i remember it well, and about how he was so angry he bit my eye. i still have a scar. i told her of the day when  he got angry at her beagle puppy for chewing up the tile in his dads house we were staying in, about her crying because she thought daddy was killing her puppy and how i tried to stop him when i walked in the bathroom to find him pulling the dogs teeth out of her head. i told her how he hit me and drug me to the bed, how he took a baseball bat and proceeded to beat me until i passed out, i still can't lay in bed at night, i have osteo arthritis in my back from that night. i told her  how many times i tried to run away from him, it took 5 years to escape. he followed, and i got a restraining order and when court came i won, i had a great lawyer who saw me pro bono and he signed off parental rights.

i told her how scared of him i was when the letter came a few years ago and he was looking for me. she cried, and i told her my relationship with him has nothing to do with the relationship she is trying to build with him today. that was 15 years ago. god did i say 15!! man i am getting old.

well she is still her surly self, we got her enrolled in KU we got her fasfa paperwork filled out and now we need to figure out what to get her for graduation. wes's mom wants to buy her a phone, i guess that will be ok since she will need one, still though maybe a nice watch, i have a bulova and absolutely love it, maybe i can find one she would like.

well my bean wants to make muffins for grandma as curious george made some this morning so i am waiting for my sister to bring me some flour as i don't keep flour anymore. i gotta get things set up for the kids to make muffins. hope you all have a wonderful day planned, w are going to the gym, then tailgating to sell avon. it is beautiful out this morning.

todays thought; "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow"- Swedish proverb