Monday, March 28, 2011

missed a meeting tonight

i have been hitting the Monday night 8:30 pretty regularly for the past month. tonight i am going to miss it. i made the sales meeting and brought home my sisters kids so she could go to class, however Wes is on a conference call and i need to be here to watch the amazing 4 kids. no wii tonight just a bath and a movie, Haley is in her super suit and the bean is in her favorite nightie, i feel bad for missing my meeting, i don't want to miss it next week but i will have the kids again and i don't know if Wes will have a meeting on the phone.

after my niece left my house it seems that sanity is being restored. i received word yesterday via email that a  member in the region is in end stage liver failure, the doctors gave him less than a year unless he gets a liver transplant. he has double digit clean time and has been married for as many years to the same lady. i have worked with them both for several years. i really can't call them friends. they don't respond to emails, they don't call me up regularly in fact outside of a business meeting i never interact with them. i have tried on a couple of occasions to reach out to her but she never really seemed interested in small talk with me. i used to call her my favorite person to argue with, because she never raises her voice and she always goes back to the traditions. however this past year we have butted heads more than usual and with her husband, the one who is sick, he insulted me and i was very angry with him. we were in a business meeting and i said something about Mexican food and he said 'I love Mexicans everyone should own one!'

in a past life that would have been taken in jest or i would have engaged in some sort of sick bigoted humor. today i don't have any tolerance for those kind of hateful jokes. they are not funny. i don't like racist jokes or anti- gay jokes. i don't tolerate any of it and I don't engage. he is the type of man who is kind of hard you know in the email i read his response to the doctor about the prognoses was 'well it is a product of good living'. he has a tough facade and doesn't really care about such things, he probably meant no harm in it and i know there are hundreds of members he has helped and inspired over the years. i just don't happen to be one of them. i am not one of their inner circle though my sponsor is. and she knows how i feel and i know she loves them dearly. they don't seem to care too much for Wes and myself and well i am not sure how to respond. what to say, is there something i should say. i don't feel anything. not a loss maybe some empathy. a little angry.

for the past year Wes has been on a service committee with this man who has never shown up to any interim meetings and nor has he done any work. When Wes called him on this issue he was chastised for being a jerk. If Wes had known there was something wrong he would have had someone else do the work, if this man had any conscience he would have stepped down from his service position due to illness. Wes was chair of this committee and needed some accountability. now the hostility Wes was met with makes sense. but it doesn't, so what these people martyred themselves? I mean they say they don't want to be treated differently but I don't get it. So they confided in their inner circle who then treated us badly for not treating them differently?

what i do know is this is my last go at the regional business meeting. the old timers there are growing short as we lost one member and now another is sick, they won't have anyone to carry on in service if they keep running everyone out. i can't even call my sponsor on this as the lady is also her sponsee and i doubt she will understand anything i say. i think at the convention next weekend i am going to tell her i need to get another sponsor. i can't speak to any of the women i had in my support group. i feel we have grown apart and do not see eye to eye on anything these days. i don't like being stuck on this issue it is such a struggle and i wish i could have gone to the meeting tonight. i have Thursday after group but i really need to make an effort to get in another meeting this week. i don't even know where to go to a meeting. maybe i will go to Eldorado's tomorrow night.

i guess that leaves me with today's thought; "The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves."- Victor Hugo


qtieboi said...

If I make you Laugh If i Make you cry in a good way I have done something to help you then i have done my job as your Brother. I am my spirit….In my flesh, my thoughts, my choices, my relations, and my humanness I am anything but perfect, but at my core, in my Spirit, I am perfect, as we all are. I am pure, I am whole, I am the universe, I am grateful, I am love, and I have nothing to fear. Everything is ultimately good. And so it will be...♥ these are the words you may need to be hearing right now I dont know for sure But I know I love you I am here for you when ever you need me I know I am not much But I am here I love you sweety

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

life is so hard when you perceive that everyone is against you. I hope that in time you will find a group of people who work together closely and who have the intimacy, love and tolerance to accept you just as you are.

I'm surrounded by groups who do everything wrong (according to me) and continue to tell me their true opinions on outside issues and don't agree with my ideas, though I can absolutely find people who do just so I can stay pissed righeously - amazingly I have found (over time and a great deal of suffering) that THEY continue to function just fine whether I'm present or not. THEY also, continue to be friendly to each other no matter what I decide is right, and I will seperate myself from them believing that that love and tolerance and participation is all focused against me. I can't talk to you about that person because YOU won't understand since you seem to be friendly, loving and tolerant to them.

This recovery fellowship is incredible, they don't seem to want to accept that I have a right to be angry, resentful or pissed at people. I mean who doesn't have a right to be pissed or angry or irritated? Sheesh!


I'm so diseased in my perceptions, I actually believed that my ability to willfully hold resentments and anger and sadness and irritation, depression and righteous idignation was a good thing. The common denominator in all that was I was the only one feeling the sting. Everyone else was just fine without me. After all the business meetings went on, meetings went on, life went on... just without me, and though I said, HA I'm better off... I couldn't help but be jealous of them, cause I wanted that kind of friendship and I was certainly better than them... and I couldn't help but be full of sadness at my loneliness.

That shit was killing me, I'm glad I finally worked the steps and began a journey that puts me right in the middle of an awesome group of people who I used to believe hated and talked about me all the time.

clean and crazy said...

thanks jess, i hear you load and clear, working through my steps now.

the thing is i don't want to hold on to these feelings i want someone i can trust with them.

Syd said...

It sounds as if it is time to work on the resentment which I know that you are doing. I like to remember that all of us have character defects....every single one of us. That helps me to find compassion and to realize that we are sick people getting well. I know that you will work through this and come out feeling peace and compassion for all involved.