Thursday, October 28, 2010

flash fiction friday- it's that time of year again

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose of 55 words
no more, no less and then report it to the g-man!!

"witches and warlocks, goblins and ghosts
time will see who likes my children the most

the treasure they hunt, the sweets they request
will drop in their buckets if properly dressed

 with great expectation they'll go door to door
chanting the phrase they learned years before


here you go g-man i am all ready for the haunting weekend!! we have the wonderful college hill area to go to and i am excited to see all the decorations this year!! my little witch and vampire will be working the beat around 4:30 in beautiful 70 degree weather!! can you believe it is fall?!?!. we have been uber busy i will try to check on everyone tonight as best i can, but the dishes are not done and i still have one more pumpkin to carve!! Haley as a doctors appointment in the morning and it is "A's" 17th birthday tomorrow. i know i have not been a good blogger buddy as i have not checked up on everyone. but i will try to catch up sometime tonight or tomorrow!! have a great holiday i will post pictures next week!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

my first project

 here they are, these first pictures show how i pinned them, i did not get any pictures before the cutting, that was the easy part the directions called for a square the length of your wearer times 2. then you fold it twice and mark your arcs using math ( i used Wes for that part) and then it was just 3 cuts. Red for the vampire Bean...
 Purple for my Haley witch!! pinning took a couple of hours for both as this is all new to me. the collar was really hard because i needed to pin the edges inside the bias tape along with the string, without catching the string on the edge.
 this was a silken material, which is a bitch to sew because it frays so much!! why didn't anyone tell me!! the edges just come apart after you cut it!!

 here is the ribbon i used. it was stiff and i had a real hard time getting it to fold on the trim, i am glad i got the thicker ribbon it gave me room to work with.

 here i botched the first cape edge. we spent about an hour undoing the stitch as the other side was clean and this one was not. then i forgot to buy purple thread so you can see the clash in this one.
 this shows how much better this side turned out

 here is my beautiful bottom seem on the first cape... nice even lines, hey never sewn before and this was on a curve!!

 see what i mean about it falling apart!! nice needle work huh
 but on the outside this is what it looks like so clean and nice. the kids are  so excited
 learned my lesson on the second cape and rolled up the bottom edges by hand while i was sewing.

 they are still quite uneven but no fray, i like the clean look
 i had red thread and this one looks so much more professional. really proud of this one.

here they both are on the bed, i didn't even catch on the string to tie so next step was adding some glow in the dark beads so they won't get pulled through the collar.
 my finished vampire cape and my finished witches cape. my first time, i am not a needle virgin anymore.

 so what do you think? on to my Christmas stockings!!! hooray!!!

in other news i need a meeting. i am planning my Christmas shopping, i know, i haven't done any yet!! yikes!! shopping is like a drug for me so i need a meeting before i go shopping. i am pretty careful though i have 20 plus people to get gifts for and a budget. i am good at sticking to my budget.

my lovely ex-con nephew came over this morning because he needed a shower. this young man and the future of America is now a felon. i got the call from my sister this morning if they could come over so he could shower. ENABLERS!!!! her husband did not want him at their house. and i don't blame him. i asked my sister are you going to be here? she said yes so i said yes. then i found out along with my sister that since he got out last Friday he spent the weekend high, and with old peccadillo's. i just wanted him out of my house. he had my nieces phone the whole time he was here and when it rang he kept answering it like it was his!!! the little shit needs to go back to jail as far as i am concerned. i know i am a mean auntie but i am also a recovering addict and i know a using addict when i see one and i don't want them in my house near my children period. when he left my house i felt like i needed a shower!! yuck.

don't get me wrong, it was so good to see him when he got here and i was glad to give him a huge hug, but then he opened his mouth. he was demanding of his mother, telling her to get his clothes and where were his socks and where was this, that and the other. he held on to his sisters phone the whole time he was here like it was his. that boy just spent 15 months in jail and the last 4 months in solitaire in hutch prison for hitting a cop and he has zero humility. the whole world is to blame for his problems and everyone owes him. he is exactly like my little brother was a few years ago. for my brother who still has trouble with life, at least now he is taking responsibility for his part in it, it took both my parents dying for him to stop being such a demanding asshole!! he really was self centered and with the crazy home we grew up in i completely understand it. and that means i also understand what is going on with my nephew, and i don't want him over here casing the joint!! ok, ok i will get off my judgemental high horse now. it really sucks that this is the path he is choosing today. i have, do, and will pray for that child, may God knock some sense into him before he gets himself killed!!

i mean ok one more thing, this kid is now a convicted felon. a FELON. why, well let me tell you why, when he turned 17 two years ago he decided to buy some pot. dumb ass. he walked around with it in his hand. like it was LEGAL!!! cops busted him, he had enough on him that they charged him with intent to sell and no tax stamp. felony charges. these were dropped to a mis-demeanor on the grounds that he be on probation and follow some simple rules, like oh i don't know hmm... get a job, have a curfew, don't get high and fail a UA, those of you that are parents of addicts know the drill. well seargant goober decides to hang out with a tough crowd, and goes to a thug house/ crack house where there is a shooting and everybody runs like roaches when the lights come on. the cops come and pick him up because he was a witness to this crime. which was right around the corner from my sisters house. so he is in jail and the cops are asking him who did what and he ain't talking. mean while at my sisters house she is getting threats on her sons life for being a snitch, which he doesn't snitch, tells them nothing. meanwhile he is working under the table at a titty bar till 3 in the morning, the cops are trying to figure out this other crime and know he knows, you know. so they plan a sting and go to my sisters house a few minutes before his curfew to see if he is home. he is not and they bust him at a titty bar for breaking curfew. meanwhile my sister is screaming foul because her baby was only trying to earn a living. yeah, i know. so he is violated and they put him in a half-way house where he gets ANOTHER CHANCE. then he is supposed to look for a job, instead they find out he is spending his days getting booty calls. so they go to talk to him about breaking the rules yet again and what does seargant goober do?!? he hits his probation officer!! STUPID!! so he goes directly to jail. then when they are deciding to give him another chance at not being a felon and just finishing out his time since the first offense did happen when he was a minor, what does he do to help himself now, why he gets into a fight with a prison gaurd!! so he spent the last 4 months of what should have been jail time in the hole!! complete solitaire confinement in a 10x6 room 23 hours a day with one hour a day walking the dog run!!

and what has he learned out of all this??hmm that it is all someone elses fault!! ok so if you can't tell, i need a meeting and thank you for reading my rant today. hope you like my capes, i love um!!!

and i am sooooo grateful that i am me today and my life is not full of chaos, even though sometimes it does knock on my door. i don't have to answer it next time.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

weekend update and random thoughts

ever notice when you change your plans, you remember you forgot something? we are getting ready for my "A's" sweet 17 on friday. we have been planning a dinner party and were hoping wes's mother would be willing to come for a visit and go trick or treating with us this weekend. well mom decided she is not coming. her birthday was two weeks ago and we were going to get her a gift and give it to her here.

so here was my well laid plan, friday night dinner, saturday pumpkin carving and a dance, sunday halloween!!! well i guess now here are the plans friday dinner party, saturday 3 hour drive to topeka gift and grocery shopping for mom and taking her out to eat then 3 hour ride back, sunday halloween. well i was planning to go to this dance that i forgot about. i also intended to make some artwork for it so they could raise funds. now we will have to carve pumpkins on thrusday, my capes are cut and pinned and one is complete, i need to go get some gifts and wrap, call mom and tell her we are coming and figure out how to get my fundraising things to eldorado before friday. they have a meeting tonight but we have therapy, they have a meeting on friday but we have a dinner party.

so now i am rushing to get things done and my sister was going to bring her boys over on saturday. shoot. i forgot!! oh and the girls have school on thursday so that will be a busy day.

well i am enjoying some fresh roasted sumatra and i have a minute i will check on my peeps before heading to the gym. i have been searching for an engagement ring, Wes is going to take me to the jewelers to get sized and find out what a good price for a ring is. they are all over the place and we want something reasonable but nice. my first choice was platinum but that is too expensive. i would like either a setting with side stones and about a 0.4 ct in the middle or a solitaire with a 0.5 ct stone and i would like to spend around 800 preferably for a matching set my first choice was 1,500 and it only had a 1/3 ct center stone but i have found some nicer sized stones in 14ct white gold for much less. another problem is we don't know my ring size, my mother had very large hands and so do i so i will need to go get sized but i think it will be fun. getting some bling bling baby!! by the way i don't have any jewelry so i am really, really, really excited!! i want this more than an ipad!! then an ipad!!

this is something i have wanted my whole life it feels surreal. it will be something i have never even been offered before and i am excited about it. i have 18 pounds left to go to get to my goal weight and even though it is coming off slow it is still coming off. i told wes if i lost the last 20 pounds i will go and buy me a dress. i don't own a dress. he said what do you want to get yourself if you make your goal weight? i had to think about it for about an hour then i thought i never had a dress, i will buy me a dress. something sassy.

i am being requested right now to go get some chocolate milk for my girls who just finished breakfast and they want to watch the cat in the hat. oh my gosh their new favorite show is this weird bbc show called ' shaun the sheep' it is from wallace and gromit, it is a claymation show. i don't think it is cool but i know it is better than barney!! it is against the law in this house to play that purple psychotic dinosaur!!! my children are plenty spoiled. wait till you see the capes. the first one is pretty botched!! you can tell i never sewed before!! but it is cute it has black silk like material with purple silk trim for haley she is going to be a witch and the beans is black with red trim because vampires have red trim!! i am excited about my first real stitch work. yesterday i sewed a pair of linen shorts for "A" that were ripped in the down under and you could not tell they were ripped!! i did great!!
today's thought; "If you never try something different, you will never know what you are truly capable of."- me

Friday, October 22, 2010

flash fiction friday- want some dessert?

             chocolate pudding explosion cake, cream puff loaded with sweet creamy goodness
                    sisters giggling in sugary delights heads are buzzing with stimulated bliss
 the time now is of innocence a child's laugh  pure delight
             wishing time was not fleeting hoping this bonds them forever friends
   wonder how long the sugar buzz will last before the crash!!

here ya go g-man, been having trouble with blogger it won't let me load the 55 sign any more, it also would not let me post last night. this is my babies at lunch yesterday!! their first day of preschool!! we don't qualify for the district pre-k program it is for at risk students only, we are not on welfare, i am not a teen mom srs did not recommend us and we do not have migrant status. however we do not posses an extra 600 per month for tuition either so we can not got to a private pre school. we're stuck in the middle so there is a one day a week program where the girls can go to school. i cannot believe my haley will be 5 years old in december. my how time flies!!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

...and that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started..

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds "

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

just some humpday funnies i couldn't resist sharing... now for the next episode of survivor!!!

just for today reading

October 20Freedom to choose
“Enforced morality lacks the power that comes to us when we choose to live a spiritual life.”
Basic Text, p. 45
In our active addiction, many of us lived our lives by default.  We were unwilling or unable to make choices about how we wanted to act, what we preferred to do, or even where we would live.  We allowed the drugs or other people to make our most basic decisions for us.  Freedom from active addiction means, among other things, the freedom to make those choices for ourselves.
Freedom of choice is a wonderful gift, but it’s also a great responsibility.  Choice allows us to find out who we are and what we believe in.  However, in exercising it, we’re called on to weigh our own choices and accept the consequences.  This leads some of us to seek out someone who will make our choices for us—our sponsor, our home group, our NA friends—just as our disease made our choices for us when we were using.  That’s not recovery.
Seeking others’ experience is one thing; abdicating personal responsibility is something else.  If we don’t use the gift of freedom we’ve been given, if we refuse to accept the responsibilities that go along with it, we’ll lose that gift and our lives will be diminished.  We are responsible for our own recovery and our own choices.  Difficult as it may seem, we must make those choices for ourselves and become willing to accept the consequences.
Just for today:  I am grateful for the freedom to live as I choose.  Today, I will accept responsibility for my recovery, make my own choices, and accept the consequences.

i read this today and it felt good. i am still ok with the consequenses of my actions and the newsletter article i wrote. my sponsor has not responded to me about my thoughts on being fired from my position. maybe she thinks i will be. i will try to detriangulate the situation, but right now i am not so worried about it.

i am deciding on green unicorns and learning to make a cape. today a real estate person is coming to help us decide what needs to be done to sell this house as soon as possible. it has been many years we have talked about selling, i am not getting my hopes up, that just gets old. but i am getting my house tidy for the guy to come in. not much i can do abotu the garage, or the bathroom, both my honey tried on his own to remodel... disasters, both so i am kind of embarrassed to show this, but that is my job as a homemaker.

more will be revealed. today's thought; 'We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.'- the immortal randy pausch

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

wow the recession has just knocked on my front door

we had that hail storm a few weeks back and called the insurance agent. after a few weeks there was inspections to the roof and the truck. they both had damage. now on my street there are like 3 different roofing companies right now knocking on all the doors. all the ones that have a roof like mine.  apparently they don't make these any more and the guy just now said that because of that one ding and i qualify for a new roof, he would waive my deductible.

my first thought is 'are you a perv?' he was talking to my kids through the open window!! my second thought was 'hey don't you read?' i have a no soliciting sign on my door. then i thought wow he is desperate as i saw three other trucks going down my street stopping at every house and knocking. i do hope he gets some work, it must be humbling to have to ask for work. he did look like a strong man who should not be out of work. but there have been warnings on tv about contractors coming out of the woodwork and we need to watch out for scammers, but this was nuts!!

i am grateful today, we did not get hit by the recession, wes has a job that cannot be outsourced, yet. though we are looking to relocate.

looking for the green unicorn

well Christmas is right around the corner and my kids are all a buzz with their lists. Haley wants a 'real puppy' and roller skates. we can do the skates. for both her and the bean. my bean wants a Green Unicorn!! i loved unicorns as a kid, but i have never found a green one. green is her signature color. i am looking for a plush green unicorn, hopefully 9-12 inches, big enough to cuddle, she cuddles at night with her dollies.

i love that my biggest dilemma right now is being on the hunt for the Green Unicorn. She says 'mommy Santa bring me a green unicorn!!'

well i have been online and no luck, have not seen any in the stores either. so the search goes on!! 

i am grateful today, my search is not for the elusive serenity, or peace, or any of the things i am usually afraid i do not possess. today i am in search of the ever elusive Green Unicorn, and it sounds mystical and magical and it puts a smile on my face. i like being Santa Clause. It is exciting to think of the look on her precious face when she opens her present with a Green Unicorn. It is all she is talking about right now and it makes life fun and the world go round. 

So if any potential Santa's out there happen to see a Green Unicorn, please let me know...
what are you in search of today?

my bean loves soft plush dollies, babies and animals, i will have no problem finding her a green frog, or green roller skates, but i think this is her big gift this year. I wish my 16 year old was as easy to shop for oh- no she wants a 300 dollar ipod!! good luck with that!!

well i am off to the gym for today's thought; "Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."- Kevin Arnold

Monday, October 18, 2010

moving along

so i have had some wonderful support from members of the area who have asked me to return next month. they have told me the person who was angry with me was out of line and showing his ass. they have told me it will be ok and everyone gets mad.

my sponsor has told me that there are several members who are very upset at my article in the last newsletter. she and her husband, who i absolutely adore, have both told me they did not like my article personally and that it was an inappropriate article. they left it at that and i am ok with that. i can agree to disagree without getting angry. i simply do not do well when anger and hostility are thrown at me and i need to work on that.

my sponsor told me that i need to write, journal about my chaos in my life and the things that were blowing up in my head. she actually said that two of the things i needed to write about were my position at the area and my article in the newsletter. she actually thought that my article in the newsletter was part of the chaos in my life. i wrote this article several months ago. i was not lashing out. i lashed out at area to a man who was angry with me. and then i was angry at the members who said he was not out of line. i still think there was nothing wrong with my article i wrote.

however, my sponsor has not told me who is complaining, nor has she directed them to contact me to talk about their issue with my article. instead, she says there will be 'discussion' at the business meeting in November. this is a 'serious' matter and to please remember this is something i can learn from and that i am not a victim. i took that to believe i am going to be fired. why, because i have reread my article over and over again. and i have decided that i would change nothing, nor will i write a retraction. i will stand my ground and if this is so serious then they can either fire me or let it go. Wes thinks i read way too much into her email about it and told me to ask her to quit with the rumor and gossip and have the members who are offended to call me directly. i think because she didn't like the article, she thinks these few people are correct. i also think that because i have shared with her some of my interpersonal issues, the bpd and ptsd therapy, that she is confusing my interpersonal chaos with service work. my position is that service work is the one thing that has given me much of my serenity. i do not do it out of ego and i am constantly checking my motives. constantly. my old sponsor taught me that. i wish i had her to  talk to now.

on another note i received an email from a woman i never met before and it was completely unsolicited. she told me she read my article and was proud of it. she told me she would start reading the newsletter if i continued to write. she said the issue i brought up was important and it was not talked about enough.

my article was about sex. there i said it. and it was titled 'let's talk about it'. i wrote it as a retraction to what my sponsor had told me about the previous newsletter where i put some artwork in that, again she said several members were upset about it. they took offense to it. it had a picture of a rooster and a kitten. and it said 'give the newcomers a chance, keep your blank or blank in your pants.'  the blanks were where the pictures went. now mind you this was not my original artwork i actually saw it in a meeting hall about an hour north of here. i liked it and made a digital copy. i thought it was cute. i never, NEVER meant to offend anyone. but since there was the innuendo that members were upset i wrote an explanation as to why i liked the artwork and that i thought it was something we need to talk about. our literature tells us that secrets keep us sick yet we will not talk about this one piece of our lives that is so important.

i am also sad today that my Spanish group has closed it's doors after only 6 months. the meeting hall we were in is being auctioned off this Thursday. my gsr cannot continue to be of service and neither can the Saturday meeting leader. you cannot have a group with only one member and no home. i have some money collected from the basket and i don't know what to do with it. i am torn between giving it to the area, region or world. all three of these bodies did come to our aid to try to carry the message to the Spanish community.

so i will go to the gym, clean my home, and work on this stuff my sponsor told me to. only i think she is wrong in thinking my newsletter is part of this chaos that i need to deal with and i am not sure what i think about that. i know she gossips. we are not perfect not one, and it does not mean i think any less of her. i like her very much in fact the fact that i see her character defects only makes me love her more. she is so sweet and it is funny when she makes mistakes. she is such a character. because she handles these mistakes with such grace and humor, she does not deny when she is wrong, she is a real neat gal. i know she can help me through this process. this is the part where i stand my ground. this is the hard part.

today's thought; "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness"- Jean Vanier

Friday, October 15, 2010

flash fiction friday- choices

every friday write a short story, poem or prose.
then have some fun and report it to the g-man!!!

'needles crunched under his feet 
 he walked past the large evergreen tree
he could see his breathe in the air as 
he looked up into the grey sky

his heart pounded as he looked around
 unsure which way to go
paused for a moment, he needed to think
wrong or right, this choice changes everything'

here you go g-man. the choices we make mold the future of our lives and sometimes we need to take a breathe and find out the right way to go. i am at a place in my recovery where i feel the same way. my service work has been my life for 5 years. i am considering stepping away for a while. not sure what the right thing is to do,i stand in my convictions and believe that i did the right thing for the right reasons, there are those that question my actions. i am good with questions as long as they are done in a loving fashion. i am not good with public hangings. i will attack back.service is not about fighting. it is about carrying the message. it is about doing what we can for the still suffering addict.

on another note my sewing machine is fixed!! yeah!! ok so the lower thread has this notch you are supposed to feed the thread through, i did not do that. i knew i was missing something simple. there was no tension. so cool on to cape making and vampires!! bring um on. i love the holidays and i want to focus on that. can't wait to see what everyone else wrote for this friday. i have two wet girls who need to get dressed now and my front yard is all dug up by the city laying new gas lines!! i need to find those headstones to put them in the fresh dirt!! told the kids they were looking for bones!!

today's thought; 'never let the future disturb you. you will meet it if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.'- Marcus Aurelius Antoninus 200A.D.

p.s.; please take the time to sign this petition to get an anti bullying legislation passed to give our children the chance to have an education without living in fear. students have the right to learn, teachers have the right to teach it is our responsibility to make that happen

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


ever been at a crossroads. a place in your life where a decision will change the course of your life as you know it? I've been here before. it should be familiar as i have crossed this many times not knowing if the direction i choose is the right one. it is an uncomfortable process and yet i cannot sit here and wallow i have to decide to take action for my life. what do i want to do with it. what will give me the most sanity and serenity.

yesterday was especially difficult for me emotionally. it felt like i was completely isolated, like i lost a friend, another friend, and that i was completely worthless. i was highly agitated and emotional. so i called Wes. i was scared. scared i was going to hurt myself. it was making sense to me. so i called Wes and he came home and held me and told me he would take care of me. he told me it was ok to cry. i needed that. and yet i feel so helpless when i cannot contain my emotions. i was so angry at myself. i felt pathetic. i did not want to go to therapy. i went. it is like i am telling on myself when i have to go during troubled mind times. we did not practice any emdr therapy. instead he practiced the dbt therapy. i have a wonderful team of therapists, they are just awesome.

we discussed the varying states of mind and how when i am backed in a corner, and especially by a man, i go on the defence because the way the brain stores memories is by association. and of course it is natural for me to associate a man getting aggressive as a trigger of danger and my mind puts me in fight or flee mode. i told him i am tired of this happening over little things. he said it will take time to work through this to retrain my mind to not associate current events with past events.

he tried to explain to me the concept of the 'wise mind' and i mostly understood it. if you take 2 circles and over lap them you have one side that is the reasonable mind and one side that is the emotional side. in the middle where they intersect there is the wise mind. that is the part that balances reason and emotion. the human mind. i need to work in that zone and think what would the 'wise mind' do. i know what the unreasonable emotional side thinks, and i know how the robotic reasonable mind thinks. today i am not ready to be reasonable. i need to find a middle ground where i can stand up for myself without going crazy and saying mean things. that is a very uncomfortable thought because i am not used to it.

why can't we all just be happy and get along? why does it have to come to this. i mean before the main meeting we were all joking and getting along and having a good time. he could have talked to me anytime. i don't understand this. my therapist says i am still 'smarting' from the confrontation. i love my friend, i don't want to lose her friendship yet her fiance was lobbing bombs at me in the business meeting. and he was the one i told to 'f' himself. and she is my friend and how do i talk to her now. i think i need to wait until my emotional side calms down a little more. i never meant to hurt her or him.

i will not sit here and wallow in my decisions, today i will go to the sewing machine store and figure out how to thread my machine, and i will go to the gym. after i read some blogs first.

today's thought; "Self pity is one of the most dangerous forms of self-centeredness. It fogs our vision."- Kathy S.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

on the attack again

we had a business meeting this weekend, if you want to call it that. it was very poorly ran and it was very disorganized. i had to go to tulsa for this group on saturday and bring back a report on it for sunday. apparently i am not the one for this position. apparently i am stepping on toes and instead of members talking to me directly about their issue with me so that i may, i  don't know, apologize or correct them, the members who are upset at me choose to use the business meeting as a form of public hanging.

i am sick of this. sick. and angry. i don't want to work with this service body any more. my sponsor tells me to put my big girl panties on and go back there. for what the next 7 months? to lose my sanity. what ever sanity i have that is.

members who are friends turn into enemies, secret resentments come out sideways. and if there was just a direct question to me during a phone call or break i could have had a chance to fix what ever it was they thought i was doing wrong. instead they wanted to hurt me as much as they could and waited until a business meeting to try to humiliate and bash me. call my service work into question.

one of the workshops this weekend was about the 7th tradition and putting enough money in the basket. i don't carry money on me, i have not had a job in 5 years. i do a tremendous amount of service work instead of putting a dollar or two in the basket. i think it is time to just back off and start putting money in the basket and what ever happens happens. service work is not supposed to be hateful.

the events that followed the tasteless words, mind you most of those tasteless words were my own. after i was under attack verbally by a man i went into ptsd mode and it was not pretty, was pure chaos and anything else that happened was left to the higher power in the room because i quickly gathered my things told the person where to go and left. i said i was done with this, i went home took myself off the phone lines and let go. the area chair called me a few minutes later and asked if i was ok. i said no. he said you lost it didn't you. well yes i lost it. i was under attack. he said he would give me a few days to calm down. so i called my sponsor who told me to go back there next month and show them i am a bigger person.

i don't wan't to. i am humiliated and there are no positive things in my head right now. i think i can go there and tell them if they want to fire me then so be it. if they want me to train my new replacement first i will do that, give him an introduction to the region. other then that i really don't want to finish going for the next 7 months. it actually felt like a weight had been lifted when i thought i was never going back. we have too much we are doing now for this area.

i am so lost right now, no home goup, no area, service has been my life for the last five years and now this. another failure.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

flash fiction friday- and the baby cries

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose, 
of 55 words no more, no less then report it to the g-man!!

'no food in the house and the cat has fleas
and the baby cries

bills pile up and the dishes are filthy 
and the baby cries

 cockroach crawls 'cross the floor
and the baby cries

 knock at the door, louder they pound
the smell of rot hangs all around
 today there is no other sound'

Here you go G-man, a grim and all to true ode i dedicate to the children born through no fault of their own to the people of this world who are not ready to have them. they are too scared to get an abortion and they are too selfish to do the right thing and they let them rot away. always the neighbors say, 'she was such a good mother' as they wheel the emaciated child from the apartment. i read another story today of a mother who did not feed her newborn baby for seven weeks, and he died. the child was 5 pounds when they found him and she was found guilty of murder and sentenced to 20 years, she got out today after serving 7 months of her sentence. i guess for good behavior. and they glorify the murderer of george tiller and they protest our soldiers. sometimes i think we are in a backwards society. i am glad to be clean and my children have full happy dragons in their tummys.
there is a war going on right here in america and it is a war against hate. a war for love. we need to teach our children that LOVE is NOT a character defect, that it does not matter who you love and that love is the most precious gift we can give each other. too many children dying because of who they love, too many people hiding behind the first amendment to preach hate. too many people not standing up for our children. too many babies dying.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

thoughts to make you smile

Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.- William Makepeace Thackeray

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The most wasted of all days, is one without laughter.- E.E. Cummings

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.- Oscar Wilde

The greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.- Confucius

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.- Ayn Rand

Never be afraid to try remember... Amateurs built the Arc. Professionals built the Titanic.

Never tell me the sky's the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

Life is too short, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly....

i hope you take these thoughts with you through the days, they truly help me get through mine. thank you all for your kind thoughts and comments you are truly a blessing to have in my life.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

why can't i just be normal

i remember one day, when "A" was little and i was with 'captain stupid' still. we had decided to shampoo the carpets and fumigate the house. so we set about to get the dishes out to the garage and start with the carpets early since we rented the cleaner and had it only for a short time. this was an ugly little house with green carpet throughout. even in the kitchen. i hate carpets in the kitchen to this day.

back then when 'captain stupid' told you to do something, it had to be done. now. so he told me to start taking the stacks of dishes out to the garage. fast. well the walk to the garage was dirt and on that day it was mud. we lived in Michigan. a little town he took me to called Ionia and it is pronounced, 'i own ya' and i know he thought he did. his father was in the Michigan Militia, sick stuff. anyway i began to run the dishes out to the garage, getting my feet muddy from the back door. we also had a front door and i thought that naturally he was going to start cleaning the carpets from the front to the back, since i was running in and out. he decided to start in the kitchen. while i was running dishes out i got mud on the carpets.

he saw the mud and got very, very angry. he started screaming at me, then hitting me. he threw me on the ground it was so fast. i was screaming 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. he thought i did it on purpose. i didn't know what he expected me to do. next thing i know he was on top of me and he came down on my face and bit my eye. i heard this crunching sound. then he jumped up and ran to the bathroom. i cupped my hand over my eye and there was blood everywhere. i was wearing his shirt and my main concern was to not get any blood on his shirt on purpose the repercussions would have been awful. he got me a towel. i did not spill any blood. when i got to the mirror, you could see his teeth marks from my cheek up to my forehead and going into my hairline on the left side of my face. that was it. there was no hiding it and i was a manager at the local K-Mart.

we came up with this elaborate story of moving furniture, and it was big wood framed and it fell on my face. i know it sounds stupid now, but that was my story and i was sticking to it. back then he had a way of interrogating me, from the time i got out of the car until the time i stepped back into the car he would have every word that came out of my mouth during the day. and he would start interrogating me as soon as i got into the car.

this incident, was the last time he hit me in the face, or anywhere any one could visibly see. i remember a time after that when we were living on his fathers property in a town called Fenwick i believe it was something like that. anyway the baby had a puppy and we kept her in the bathroom, she was little and teething. she chewed on things. well this was his step mothers trailer. the dog chewed up the linoleum in the bathroom. Captain Stupid was furious. absolutely livid and he went into that bathroom and we could hear the most God Awful screams from that puppy. the baby started crying because daddy was killing her puppy. i held her tight and she was so upset and looked up at me in fear. fear. So i went in there and tried to stop him.

when i got into the bathroom i saw him ripping the dogs teeth out of her head. i lost it and started screaming at him and pounding my fists on his back. he whirled around and gave me a right hook to the chin. i saw a white flash and fell backwards. he then grabbed me and threw me on the bed. he grabbed the baseball bat. i blacked out after the first couple of hits to my back. i don't know how many times he hit me. i woke up a couple of days later still on the bed and i couldn't move. there were welts all down the back of my legs and my back. about a year ago i learned that i have osteo-arthritis in my lower back, the doctors say it looked like i was in a massive car accident at some point. but there was never any car accident.

it took me 5 years to get away from this man. that was 14 years ago. the only thing good that came out of that relationship is graduating high school this year.

the man i am with today is kind and gentle and for the most part doesn't get upset. he is not perfect. he has adhd and it is pretty severe. and somedays he is not happy. it is on those days that i over react. through no fault of his own he is stuck with my over reactions to getting flooded with emotions that tell me i need to run. fight or flee, as my therapist calls it.

i felt much better after i left therapy last night. though i was still scared about getting to the point that i did last week i asked him what do i do when i get that upset. we talked about dealing with anger. and why i get so upset and flooded. he gave me a couple of things to do before i get angry.

it is very, very important to practice mindfulness. to be mindful of my feeling and catch it ASAP. then to work with action and do the opposite of the urge of anger. he told me the urge of anger, when i am angry my urge is to attack. the opposite of that is gentle avoidance.

this is all strange and very, very new to me and i hope i can practice. i wish i didn't have to practice but my therapist tells me i will have plenty of opportunity to practice. it is humbling. i try to get it perfect the first time, so i don't fuck up. sometimes i fall way short of perfection, in fact sometimes i end up way over in left field.

all i know right now is i don't want to be angry. i don't want to over react to normal situations. i just want to be normal. my therapist says that with the horrible and extremely difficult living situations i grew up in and continued into my adult life, that my brain has taught itself to be in this survival mode. and when i feel like i am in a situation that looks like the past, i react as i do.

i don't want to be a reactor any more. i want to be fixed. i want this roller coaster to stop. sometimes i am just tired of trying to fix it. thinking of how fucked up i am makes me sad. and i forget all the progress i made and that i am making.

i do feel so much better today. i am glad i went to therapy last night, i needed to process the guilt and shame of last week out. i had been carrying it all week and i think i can move forward with my thoughts today. i am going to the gym, of course, and getting ready to focus on this weekend. there is so much that needs to be done. thank you, if you are still taking the time to read this, i appreciate it. i am going to make me some wonderful coffee and check up on all of my peeps. i hope everyone has a great day.

today's thought; 'If I only had three words of advise, they would be, Tell the Truth. If I got three more words, I'd add, all the time.'- Randy Pausch

Monday, October 4, 2010

just getting by

it is getting cold out there. i am wearing warmer clothes, and i shut the windows last night, i haven't seen any leaves change colors yet, we haven't had a frost. i am still working on figuring out this sewing machine, not much progress there. i need to get ready for Oklahoma this weekend, a lot of service coming up and it will be like cramming for a final exam on Saturday night. i need to get my other reports done before area, as i will have to write on for the trip on Saturday night.

we went to a picnic yesterday with fellow members, one of the groups celebrated having their doors open a whole year. i felt like i was on the outside looking in, i felt like an addict in a crack house with all the cake and goodies there. i just wanted to leave. it was difficult and i felt very distant from everyone. my good friend was there to share his story and we could not stay to listen as the kids were hopped up and needing to go. i haven't felt that out of place in a long time. it was not good. then we worked on the hot line for 10 hours on Saturday, one of the members had messed it up so badly that you cannot hear the meeting schedule message. so we will have to call in tech support today and see how to fix it.

i am heading to the gym this morning, and then to the library. i have therapy tonight at 5. not sure how i feel about that, we are supposed to have family therapy tomorrow, but it is not on the calendar and then "A" tells me it is just for me and Wes. but she has a drill meet tomorrow which means she won't be here to baby sit so we may just reschedule.

my poor Haley looks like she was in the bad end of a boxing match. the bean punched her in the face, then she took a microphone to the cheek and then the bean scratched her face. not sure what to do about the beans aggressiveness. but she is in the corner now. the kids are hungry so i will feed them, get some coffee and catch up on my blogging buddies, i feel kind of blah today, alone and isolated like i have no friends. not sure where that is coming from.

today's thought; "Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them- everyday begin the task anew."- Saint Francis de Sales