Thursday, July 30, 2009

I like Mamahollioni Because...

I like Mamahollioni's Kitchen because she has the most amazing recipes ready to share with the rest of us. No kidding just click on the word Mamahollioni's Kitchen and see for yourself.
ya'll know i love to learn new things and this woman has it all. and she loves to share so please stop on by and give her a welcome like you all did for me and i promise you won't be disappointed!!
Sorry this is just a quickie, i want to go get the ingredients to make some granola!!
she also has a wonderful side line of lists for healthy recipes, this is just a wonderful way to give back and it is my love of food that has me going back to her!! Enjoy!!

Flash Fiction Friday- camping fun

Every Friday compose a story, poem or limerick of 55 words
no more, no less then report it to the G-man!! Let him know you want to play along and join the rest of us nuts each week and see if we really know how to count!!

"Campouts and picnics are wonderful times
to spend together and forget your strife
learning new ways to get on with nature
and accepting worms as wonderful creatures
After all what else would you use to
catch underwater creatures?
If a picture tells a thousand words,
Then the following brings new meaning
to the Weenie Roast!!"

New tools for campouts, which my daughter, a worldly high school sophomore tells me is one word, but if it is technically two words i can replace it with "camping" any way i couldn't resist sharing with you guys. G-Man you need one of these for your collection!! I think they come in "pairs"!!
OK so the blood meal seems to be working as I had no damage from the critters eating my tomatoes last night, more will be revealed. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for this beautiful weather, it is a wonderful 75 out and i am going to join the kids after this post.
2. today i am grateful for the energy to play with my children, got up at 5, dispensed medicine gave baths, made pancakes drove kid to school, watered garden, cleaned kitchen and blogged!!
3. today i am grateful to not be in an overwhelmed panic state of mind over life. i simply enjoy my moments.
4. today i am grateful for listening, i listen to the sounds of my children and know i am blessed.
5. today i am grateful for my recovery, so far i have not found the need to use drugs in 1,664 days. pretty cool stuff.
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend i will try to catch up on you all if Wes can stay off the computer tonight after the kids go to bed.
For todays thought; "Become who you are"- Fredrick Nietzsche

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tippy Cup Disaster

See this kid, ain't she cute?
she is a doll face one of the loves of my life and i simply adore her to pieces.

Great smile don't you think? she loves chocolate milk, it is what she used to get for bed, i thought i was being a good mommy because sometimes i feel she is so deprived from sweet treats and you think "Milk it does a body good" right?
Think again the next picture is immediately after a double root canal on her front teeth. This was on the 10th of July, same day my sister had a mini- stroke.

no collagen injections they had these vice grips holding her mouth apart for 2 and a half hours during surgery. This is just the swelling from that.

She didn't want the ice pop, we never give her those because of the dye in them and the high fructose corn syrup. we try to eliminate those things from her, but she was so disoriented she didn't know what that thing was.

Bless her heart it took 2 days for her lips to get back to normal, i will never let them drink milk for bed again. Wes finally got the pictures to upload to the computer so i will get some garden pics up next. i am grateful to have gotten past the dental surgery it cost us almost $900.00 out of pocket but that is what savings is for. emergencies. you know sometimes i feel like i just don't do enough and i have to spot inventory myself because it takes a lot of humility for me to stop trying to be wonder woman who can keep perfect home and make groceries stretch and keep potty training kids, gardening, yard work, daycare paperwork, doctor appointments, meetings, sponsorship and dinner on the table by 5:30.
tonight Wes remarked that we are drinking way too much milk we went through a gallon and a half in one day. DUH.. 2 girls who drink milk, he drinks a ton as well, me i take calcium pills. never much cared for milk. I told him we used to do the same with soy milk but he ended up with a calcium deficiency, so now we have a milk maker we don't use.
it is hard not to take that on as a fault on my part, how can i make the milk stretch? Buy a cow? we use milk that is pretty much it not too much i can do but tell the kids they can't drink it. The girls get 8 ounces in the morning, each and then a cup before bed, then they get their teeth brushed. We use milk on cereal and for pancakes i guess i could buy evaporated milk to use for pancakes would that really be cheaper? all i can do is try.
so the whole money thing is bothering me again. i am doing everything i can do to help this family save money and now i am doing everything i can do to bring an income in. i am just waiting for the e-funds to come in so i can get paid from my sister then i can sign up for training classes. we need to get tot locks for the cupboards and i think we will be ready for a fire inspection, i just got a brand new fire extinguisher and got all the windows to open up. so i think i almost have all my ducks in a row for that. but school is starting up and "A" needs school clothes and this is such a bother to try to get Wes to understand she needs new shoes and clothes for school. he says "She just got shoes last year?" yeah and now she needs new ones. Plus he is going to need school supplies, he is going for his masters degree. Awesome guy i know, but i do not have him on a pedestal i love him with all his defects, it is just me learning to not own them. so gratitude list 5 things from today;
1. today i am grateful for my garden and the ability to take my little girls out there and show them how to harvest vegetables.
2. today i am grateful for Haley, she is such a brave little girl today she had to have her 6 week blood draw to check her hypothyroidism and she is just so amazing to sit there and take a poke!!
3. today i am grateful i am not still like my sister the gratitude i have for the change in who i am is unmeasurable.
4. today i am grateful i got to roast a friend at birthday night last night. i have been pretty down about my clean time buddies relapse and yet last night two members celebrated 14 years each, it was an honor to be there.
5. today i am grateful for this blog, unlike twitter, my followers just seem to keep growing, kind of like new friends each time, i still tweet a few times a day but it isn't the same as this.

You know some of my blogging friends share more than some members do in meetings. it is an honor to be in such company. thanks for taking the time to read my blog and thanks for all the wonderful comments you guys give. Oh and today i got some blood meal, and put it out in my garden it is supposed to keep the varmints off my tomatoes so far they have stolen 11 of my tomatoes!! ok i am going to cuddle with my sweetheart, it keeps the relationship intimate!!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

growing up in recovery

well we went to topeka on saturday to visit his mom and she wanted to get our pictures taken, a family portrait. i was very excited about this as the last time we all sat and had a family portrait the bean was about 6 months old, and my mom was the grandma in the picture. wes's mom made an appointment for 3:30 and when we got there at 3:30 the gal was just starting her 3:pm appointment. so we walked around for about an hour trying to keep the girls settled down and finally got in at about 4:45. remarkably the girls did wonderful for the pictures and it took Joyce, wes's mom and i about an hour to do the order. i asked her how much could she spend and that i thought we could go in on halves and she said she didn't have a limit and wanted to give me a gift so let's just see what we wanted to order. we tried to be frugal but when it is your family and you love everyone in the picture it is hard to turn them away. we weren't sure about the packages because the cheapest one was 99 dollars so we just went through and picked the ones we wanted. well if we would have just gotten the ones we wanted it would have been 150. so we got the 99 dollar package and we were able to pick 6 more pictures for the package.
we left the studio and went out into the parking lot and "A" was pushing the shopping cart with haley standing up inside it then she started to run and tripped over her sandal causing the cart to suddenly stop, haley went somersaulting out over the top of the cart and landed flat on her back in the parking lot!! i about freaked out. i screamed haley's name, i had gillian in my arms and went running towards them. both girls were crying and "A" was just beside herself. i grabbed my baby and gave "A" gillian and went to the back of the van and got some ice to put on her head. i was so scared and i just kept breathing and checking her eyes and stuff. we finally all calmed down a bit and haley stopped crying she had quite the goose egg on her head but i was still worried and wanted a cat scan. wes said i was over reacting but i really was worried and if we weren't so far on the road at the time i spoke to him about my concerns i would have made him go to the doctors.
i mention this accident because i was very proud of the way i handled it. i did not once yell at "A" for being so careless. the old me would have done something like smack her a couple of times while yelling something like "you stupid b@#$# what were you thinking!!!" i know this is how i used to react because my sister still does this to her kids. i know a lot of people in recovery who still behave like this outside of meetings. these people tell me not to share what is going on with me, you know if i act out in anger and yell at my kids for something trivial i go to a meeting and share about it i share very honestly about the guilt and the shame i feel and the fact that i don't want to be that way. i share this with my sponsor as well but the way i look at it is this, that is what my meetings are for to be able to intimately share what is going on with me. anyone can behave for an hour a day anyone can quote the book but not everyone really lives this program. not everyone takes it with them.
when i first went to meetings i was on the pink cloud because i thought the NA gods were just amazing people but somewhere down the line while i continued to work my program and actually use the spiritual principles in my life, i noticed quite a few of those "NA Gods" were still way back behind me, they continue to act out on character defects and criticize those who want real change. they continue to have chaos in their lives and choose not to change.
today i continue on my "pink cloud" because i continue to be honest and to try to change for the better. i mean look at me when i was using i couldn't even grow pot, now i have a flourishing garden, this from someone who only had fake plants. the main staple in my vocabulary was "i can't" today i can try and today the change in my attitude is this much that i am getting ready to open a licensed day care!! this from an addict who can't stand kids!! i couldn't handle kids in my life and i remember when the bean was born and wes had to go back to work the first day he was going back to work i was crying, i was in hysterics because i was afraid i couldn't handle the kids and my sick mom all by myself i was so scared to the core of my being. i called my sister crying and asked her to come over because i didn't think i could handle it.
wow i can't believe how much i have worked on me. so yes i get a little judgmental when i am around those who choose to behave or live like a using addict. when you have the tools and choose not to use them there is no blaming anyone but yourself for the mess in your life. life is short and it is meant to be lived, and the higher power in my life today wants me to be happy and live a full life. today that is what i choose this serenity and peace and i love being with my kids!! who wouldn't, look at them they are too precious for words. i even smile at members who say "oh i could never handle children?!" yeah, me too...
ok so for todays gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for my sponsor who suggested i do a gratitude list with every post to keep me in the moment, right where i am supposed to be.
2. today i am grateful for randy pausch, he coined the phrase "brick walls aren't there to keep you out, they are there to see how bad you really want something."
3. today i am grateful for Syd of "I'm just fine" fame, someone who has become a true friend and gives wonderful gardening advise, an honest blogger. hey how do you get rid of squirrels who eat tomatoes?
4. today i am grateful for the g-man or "Mr. Knowitall" for carrying on the Flash 55 it is a wonderful way for bloggers to come together and find their inner writer!!
5. today i am grateful for Lou and Dad and Mom and the very powerful impact they have on my recovery by showing me what my mom went through and it gives me strength to stay clean. it is just one of the many reasons i am grateful for my recovery today. thank you for your honest sharing about your addicts.
if you get a chance drop by these guys blogs and you will see what i mean.
my life is filled with so many blessings and i am truly grateful for the person i am becoming and i am truly grateful i am not settling in my recovery, i want more and i will continue to "keep coming back" todays thought;
"It takes courage to grow up and be who you really are."
- E.E. Cummings

Friday, July 24, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- potty training again

Flash Fiction Friday, write a short story of 55 words, no more no less and report it to the G-man!!

One is three and goes just fine
the other is two and has trouble with poo.
potty chairs and booster seats and brand new underwear
it took a year to train her sister, as we went through many tears
today i sit and anxiously wait to hear her say
"I'm ready to go potty mommy!!"

Here ya' go G-man, sorry it's late i don't know where the week went i can't believe it's Friday!! i have been filling out tons of paperwork for the daycare licensing process, i need to get ready for a fire inspection next week we practiced fire drills yesterday and now i need some training videos, my Haley got too scared to run out of the house, she said "i don't want my house to burn mommy!" then when we tried to go a second time she hid!! so we need to train her where she isn't afraid. my Gillian though she was so cute running out of the house , i told them to scream "fire, fire, fire!!" to alert the neighbors and her and her cousin did great!! my tomatoes are wonderful and i planted some bush beans and tried to saute some, i mentioned this debacle in a prior post, well last night i looked at them and they are drying out. so i opened one up and it had what looked like a black bean in it, not a green bean!! So that is why the husk was so rubbery and tough!! huh i thought they were green beans i think maybe not, i will google these little bush beans and report to you later, as soon as i can get my photos to upload to this computer i have tons of pictures to show you. i need to get my nephew to school and here is my gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for my recovery and willingness to work my steps.
2. today i am grateful for the change in my attitude to allow me the patience to care for other children.
3. today i am grateful for the bounty of vegetables i am receiving from my garden.
4. today i am grateful for the mistakes i have made, without them i would not be who i am today.
5. today i am grateful for the love i feel for myself and others. i owe this to the work i do in my steps and to my open mindedness that allows me to see things with a new perspective.
i hope you all find gratitude in your day and weekend. i am grateful for my blogger friends who always give the kindest words to my thoughts and i cherish how much it makes me feel a part of instead of alone. todays thought; "When you make a world tolerable for yourself, you make a world tolerable for others"- Anais Nin

Monday, July 20, 2009

emotions getting the better of me

so i had a very emotional weekend as you can tell from my last post. i ended up losing all of my zucchini plants, i had to have wes come out and help me to pull them because my cucumbers, watermelon and cantaloupe were all tangled up in the dead plants. the damn squash bugs were those little flying beetles with red bodies and 3 black dots on them. i think i mentioned them before because i didn't know if they were friend or foe and i couldn't find anything online to tell me what they were. so i sat there and watched these things infest my beautiful plants and kill every single one of them.
as we were out there pulling the zucchini i started crying and he said "awe honey don't cry" i just couldn't help it i worked so hard and was so happy to see this things go from little seeds to these giant beautiful plants. i feel like a failure, but i cannot let the rest of my vines suffer. the cucumbers, and watermelon are doing great they have no damage so far. boy i was really looking forward to sharing some of this bounty, i guess i did just not to who i wanted to. i shared with the squash bugs.
i have a meeting tonight and it is very much needed. it is hard living with an addict, even a clean one. it is especially hard living with one who has so much more time in the program then me. it makes me feel inadequate at times. like why am i so emotional and why is he so rational. will i ever have the rationality that he has? no, will or can i be ok with this, i hope so. it is like i compare myself or my recovery with others and when i do this i cheat myself out of the chance of being who i am supposed to be.
i need to learn to surrender and accept myself and to stand in my truth not anyone else's. i am starting step 7. i need to humbly ask him to remove my short comings. is all this inferiority just a matter of where i am in my step work? is this me doubting the program, waiting to start work on step 7. is it normal to have these feelings? funny i should ask about being normal since i have never had the capacity to be normal.
then i ask myself this question; do i really think being an emotional person is a shortcoming or a character defect? do i really want to lose all of my emotions. can someone be rational and emotional at the same time? what is it i am trying to become?? i don't want to lose heart. i want to always feel the raw emotions that i felt the first time i walked in the doors. it feels good to cry. it is good to feel vulnerable in meetings, this is how the healing starts for me.
i guess my sharing at meetings, in this town at least, is very controversial. i have been told that one shouldn't share what is going on with them at a meeting, that is what a sponsor is for. that if i can't share it with my sponsor then i need a new sponsor. well for me i do share with my sponsor, and i share in meetings as well. because so many times it is in meetings that i listen for my higher powers answers for me. and so many times that is what i hear, my HP. i don't like going to meetings where all it is is a bunch of lip service to the program, you hear things like "yeah i have no job, my wife left me my health sucks but it is a good day to be clean, keep coming back". sounds like a bad country song huh. i share the truth of what is going on with me because, 1. it helps me come home and be grateful and 2. i hope it shows newcomers that it is ok to be vulnerable in meetings. for me if i am not honest with my fellowship then that is me keeping secrets and secrets keep me sick. i don't want to be sick today. i am already an addict i don't need to add to any more of the chaos my head already creates.
some people get irritated with my enthusiasm for service and the fellowship. i was told i irritated people with it, i guess they don't want me to believe in the program because they don't. i chose my new home group in haysville, and i told them openly the reason i chose them and not the other group i wanted to join was because it was closer to my home. the group i wanted to join is 50 miles away one way. not very practical to drive 200 miles a week to catch 2 meetings. but the reason for this is because 4 members there share clean time with me. 3 of us the same year and month and one in april. we all have a serious passion for service and we are all working our steps. they are just as irritating as i am about service work and i wanted to be around like minded people. i had one person in town who was my clean time buddy, we drifted apart a long time ago and he recently relapsed. i share this because i don't really feel a connection with the members in my area, they aren't as irritating as i am about service. i kind of like that about me. i never knew i irritated people but now that someone said something to me about it, it makes sense why certain people would be sort of mean to me i guess. and i guess i am kind of proud to have more passion and that i believe more than others.
so to sum it up i am starting step seven, i don't want be an irrational person, but i also want to keep my emotions and passion for life. am i reaching for the stars? i hope so, am i asking too much from life? if not then i better ask for more, i have this one life and a second chance to live it and that is what i am going to do. will i get emotional over losing plants, hell yes. and i will rationally pay my bills and cherish my children and love them till it hurts. i hope you all had a wonderful weekend and a blessed monday. 5 things i am grateful for today;
1. today i am grateful i cherish my life and recovery.
2. today i am grateful i cherish my garden.
3. today i am grateful i am ok with failure.
4. today i am grateful i can learn from mistakes.
5. today i am grateful for my neighbors and the relationships we are forming.
here is one for old times sake; "Don't know Why"

todays thought;"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil."- James Allen

Saturday, July 18, 2009

responsible and productive

busy weekend again, worked on my garden this morning and i have vine borers so i dusted a couple of days ago and i have noticed some blue moths around, then it dawned on me that the vine borers are moth larvae, so would it not make sense to put some moth balls out there to keep the moths away? every site i have looked into says nothing about moth balls and what's more there is nothing out there about if i should remove the infected plants or not.
then yesterday haley and i went out and picked some green beans for dinner, i thought i would saute them with some zucchini, no one told me i had to boil the beans first. oh well live and learn.
speaking of learning experiences my family is a plethora of learning. boy i stepped into some big S%$^ yesterday. go figure my brother and sister fighting about who kicked who out and who left on their own accord, both of them landed in the hospital over the stress of it all. now my sister has this worthless freeloader living with her and she is nothing but a trouble maker using triangular manipulation on these two and they are eating up every freaking word. freeloader tells brother sister said this, brother calls me i tell him to ignore what she said. then sister comes over and i ask her if she talked to brother and she said no he is mad at me and i don't know why, so captain stupid here says why. well she said he said ensues and i got right into the middle of it. i was trying to get them to stop fighting and it didn't work i only got a head ache. my sister calls freeloader to ask what she said to my brother, freeloader calls my brother and lies, my brother calls me upset and this is so grade school.

so back to my pleasant reality and away from the family chaos, like i said the program is only for those who want it, not those who need it. today i harvested some cilantro seeds and spinach seeds, i don't have to wait until next year to start them just until we have a place big enough to start a green house.
i remember a story book from when i was little, i think it was stone soup where this one character asked people to help make some soup but no one would help then when she was done everyone wanted to eat her soup. or was it bread, anyway that is how i feel right now with my garden, no one came over to help me with it, no one even wanted to come over to look at it but everyone wants some free fresh veggies to help with their grocery bills since veggies are so expensive. funny how that works huh.
i get real upset when people talk like wes makes tons of money and can afford a lot. here is the thing we don't make any more money than anyone else i know, we just don't go to the gas station and buy pops and cigarettes and we don't go out to eat, we don't own big screen televisions we don't go out to movies we don't spend money on cell phones for the kids and we don't spend an excess amount on clothes. we live within our means which means we spend less money than we bring in so we can be financially stable. it is almost like the people i got clean with treat me different because i am not constantly in financial dire straits any more. but i think differently today. my sister is another one who treats me different. like she just spent over 2000 bucks to go to mexico and new york and has no money for medicine that she needs. she had a 20 fine to pay for the babies pre- school the day she was in the hospital because we couldn't get to him in time, haley was in surgery that day. so she was upset because we wouldn't give her the 20 dollars to pay the school and i told her we only had 5 dollars left in the bank. it is like because we have good credit we are supposed to spend it or something but that is what is wrong with todays society and why we are in an economic crisis to begin with.
people have to start being financially responsible for their own families and their own lives and quit blaming those who are responsible for having more. i don't have any more than anyone else and i am no better than anyone else. it has been a long time coming and i am really close to being out of debt for the first time in my entire adult life. i have never been responsible i always ignored the notices in the mail i never tried to pay my debts i always ran from them.
today i know i have no business going out and spending money on a latte when i owe someone else financially. i am not going hungry i have clothes on my back and a beautiful home to take care of gratefully. i am finally in a place where i am going to pay off the last of my bad debt and put my student loans in good standing and pay them off. it feels real good to not ignore creditors. in fact i paid off a credit card bill and the phone rang. it was an 800 number from florida so i answered it and it was an automated a**hole saying "stay on the line for important information about your credit card debt.." i thought i don't have any c.c. debt anymore i just paid it off. so feeling a bit empowered i stayed on the line and when the operator came on i said "who is this, do i owe you money?" they hung up!!
the old me would have been like instantly thinking i owed them money and given any information they asked for, turns out they were "fishing" and it is a way to get your personal information to steal your identity. today i listen to suze orman and the first thing she says about getting out of debt is "Stop Spending Money!!" that is not an easy thing to do, i wish the whole of society would listen about not getting deeper into debt and thinking that it is all the presidents fault for the economic crisis, it is like the whole of america has turned into monday morning quarterbacks and every one knows how to get the nation out of debt. these same people are the ones who are still in debt themselves. today i am a solutions person i don't blame the world for it's problems, i am stepping up and suiting up and helping where i can to be part of this process. one part for me is the health care reform. i am reading up on it and learning what it is REALLY about not the convoluted crap they spew out on fox news. the onion reports more truths than that network. i am not about fear mongoring and i really want to help put this country in a better place, where we are not just a nation of consumers anymore, we consume everything and export nothing we need to change this. and it starts right here with me, one person at a time. my little garden is a way of giving back and not expecting the shelves to be full of groceries for me. spending a little less at walmart will do this nation some good.
i promise to stop by and check on all my blogging buddies tomorrow, tonight my sweetie is taking me out on a cheap date, we're going fishing!! it is fun and free!! i can't wait. ok gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful my haleys smile is back to normal.
2. today i am grateful for the 5 tomatoes about to be eaten in my garden!!
3. today i am grateful to have pre-school lessons available free online for my little ones.
4. today i am grateful for all the computer skills i have learned in recovery.
5. today i am grateful for the beautiful weather we are having that is helping my electric bill by not running the AC.
i am learning today about carbon footprints and what it means to me and my family. they are so precious my little ones and i hope to teach them how to be responsible from the start, rather than how i have come to learn about it. 36 years old and i am finally growing up who'd a thunk it? todays thought;“There is no end to the adventures that we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.”Jawaharlal Nehru, Indian political leader

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- summertime fun

Every Friday write a short story, poem or prose
of 55 words no more, no less and report it to the G-man!!

"How many bubbles can little girls chase,
How many wishes can one yard grow?
Dandelions and crayons are special treasures
A child's happiness is beyond measure.
The innocent wonders of summertime play,
Childrens giggles last through the day
We love to laugh we play and ponder
we gaze at stars each night with youthful wonder."

Here ya go G-man!! just some fun with the girls while they are little
enjoying each moment before they go off to far off lands to start a new life!!

i spent the day with my girls playing and having a great time enjoying each other. we got bit up by mosquitoes and some of my squash is being eaten by boring bugs, so much for organic gardening, i don't want to lose all my vines because of squash bugs. so we got some 7 dust and i sprinkled it on the mounds today. so far this week i have harvested 12 cucumbers, 4 tomatoes, 6 zucchini the zucchini is what is getting eaten up though, and i am not sure if i need to pull the dead plants out or leave them there. also i don't know if i am only supposed to dust the roots or the entire plants, but like everything else i am willing to learn, just not willing to lose an entire garden to bugs that grow in the vines. so gratitude list 5 things
1. today i am grateful for working my steps.
2. today i am grateful for my clean, safe home.
3. today i am grateful i can afford to put gas in my car.
4. today i am grateful i have a clean bill of health.
5. today i am grateful for the treatment facility that led me to narcotics anonymous.
6. today i am grateful i have not relapsed and this is my first time trying to quit.
7. today i am grateful for those who came before me.
OK so there is so much for me to be grateful for and these lists really keep me into today so for todays thought, one to ponder; "Serenity isn't freedom from the Storm; it is peace within the Storm"- Unknown

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Harry Potter Midnight show

boy do i need a nap. we went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince last night. it was a wonderful show we had a wonderful time and the place was packed!! Harry Potter fans are some of the most polite people i swear. they helped us find seats and they were all telling jokes waiting for the movie then at one point a fan, draped in a Harry Potter cape and riding a broom stick went running through the theater screaming "Harry Potter" over and over, the whole crowd cheered. they were loud and excited and as soon as the movie came on the place was instantly quiet. not a rude person in the house. the movie, of course was not the same as the book, but when they did follow the book they followed it well, the graphics were phenomenal and there were some very funny parts where everyone laughed and some sad parts where everyone, i mean even the grown men were crying it was just a special thing to be a part of. if you are not a Harry Potter fan you won't understand. but for me and "A" well she received the first book when she was 7 years old as a Christmas present, i had never heard of it. so a few days after Christmas we were in her room and she hadn't looked at the book, she still could not read very well, and so i picked it up to take a look and next thing i know i am on page 10. so i said "hey girl this is pretty good you should read it." so she said can you read some to me? and i did. and that is how it started. now J.K. Rowling has completely made up this entire fantasy land in the book and there are some pretty big made up words that are hard to pronounce. So i would read aloud and then after a while "A" asked if she could read a bit, it is really how she learned to read is through these books. then we found out there were more at that time only 4 books were out i think, and we were hooked. then mom got in on it and would read with us. she enjoyed listening while we read aloud. so when the first movie came out, we had no idea yet how big this book really was, that is until we got to the theater. there were grown adults dressed as wizards!! there were kids dressed as characters, it was like going to disneyland!! they were sitting down in line playing wizards chess right there in the theater. it was so much fun, so we went and got the books as they were released. then when mom got cancer, we went to the book store to get her some audio books, because she couldn't see well enough to read any more. they were advertising the last book to be released at midnight, gosh it's been 2 years already. it was in July. and this was in march so mom pre- paid for a hard back special edition of the "Deathly Hollows" which is the 7th book, because she didn't know if she would be here and wanted to give that to "A". Well we went to the book release, at midnight and the bookstore was jam packed even more so then the theater. and everyone was dressed up as there favorite character. and they had games and all kinds of things even people reading out of the last 6 books. so we got the book, around 1:30 that is how long the line was and we got home, of course mom was still with us and we started reading right away. we finished that book in 2 days. it was just so special to be able to have finished it with mom. the special edition came with a special artwork cover, we went to a place in the mall called L'amage and they do a special kind of framing, where you can touch the picture it was mounted and framed, not in glass it is hard to explain but it looks awesome and it is a very special treasure for "A". so it is an 'us' thing to go to this particular movie, i don't usually go to movies but this one is different and i don't think there will ever be a book release as amazing as this one and as the late, great Paul Harvey used to say, "and now you know.....the rest of the story."

so i am tired but it is a good tired, i would do it again it was a blast, we didn't get home till 3 in the morning. now i need something to eat and to go to the gym. last night i spoke and shared my story at my new home group and went to a movie it was a great night. today is looking like a beautiful day. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful to have seen the latest Harry Potter movie with my daughter.
2. today i am grateful for the memories i share with her and my mother.
3. today i am grateful for Wes being a home coffee roaster.
4. today i am grateful for Chiapa's coffee, i think it is from Mexico, i just know for sure it is wonderful.
5. today i am grateful for my recovery and being able to appreciate my life and all my blessings today.
6. today i am grateful to be able to share these special times with my blogging buddies.

i know it is 5 but not limited to just that and i have so much to be grateful for and i just wanted to share that. we didn't have the money to go but "A" used her babysitting funds to treat me to go with her and this is very sweet indeed. today's thought;I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. The goal is to live a full, productive life even with all that ambiguity. No matter what happens, whether the cancer never flares up again or whether you die, the important thing is that the days that you have had you will have lived.- Gilda Radner 1946-1989

Saturday, July 11, 2009

lessons of life

the ped's dentist was a complete nightmare. haley was scheduled for oral surgery at 12:30 didn't get in until 2 we were there until 5. during all this my sister had either a seizure or mini stroke at work, so i have her kids, and i had to make arrangements to get her son picked up from school since everyone was at the doctors and she was totally incoherent. i will post pictures as soon as picasa lets me load them on to my computer to see the damage a tippy cup does. i have 4 children eating lunch right now, my boyfriend has spent the whole morning in the bathroom, sick as a dog, we finally got the plumber here to find out that it was the shower leaking not the pipes. 150 bucks for two visits. the stovers guys finally finished fixing the crawl sister is the most ungrateful person i know. she was upset with me because i only took one kid with me to go to her filthy house, pick up clothes, find something for her to wear, take the clothes to her in the hospital and try to find out what is going on with her health.
when we got to her house, her oldest son was there, and he wouldn't answer the door, so we let ourselves in. then when we were at the hospital her oldest son showed up there. so her little son who was with me asked him why didn't he answer the door. after asking three times i finally said "Steven, why didn't you answer the door?" and he goes "huh?" then he said he was downstairs. so i got mad because i know he is lying and told my sister we had to go. she said i am supposed to call their father in mexico tonight at 6, you will bring them both here by then right? i said no 6 is dinner time and there was no way i was bringing them back up she could have her husband call my house. then her delinquent son says i can bring them up. i said how the hell do you think your going to do that? you don't have a car and you don't have a license. he said i can stop by your house and take them on the bus. i said that there was no way i was releasing custody of these kids to that man. no way and i left. her insanity is her insanity, those children, while they are with me will have a set bedtime and not be put into any situation which might be harmful to them, i am sorry but i have my priorities. and right now we are heading to the pool. my sister is stuck where she is because of her choices in allowing chaos in her life, luckily for her children they have me. i really need a gratitude list right now.
1. today i am grateful i have boundaries in my life.
2. today i am grateful my home is well kept and free from bugs.
3. today i am grateful my children are there to let me read them to sleep at night.
4. today i am grateful my health is a priority in my life.
5. today i am grateful i have been clean for 4 years, 6 months and 3 days, but whos counting.

it has taken me a lot of work and soul searching to get to a healthy place in my life where i can keep my families chaos separate from my life. co- dependency is a huge character defect a lot of addicts have most never deal with it. they suffer a lot of insanity in their lives because of it. there are times i get sad because i know my brother and sister are not going to be on this earth long, due to their choice of lifestyle their irresponsibility to take care of themselves and complete and utter denial that they are responsible for any choices they make in their lives today. today i am not a victim of my life today i do not merely survive, today i live my life to the best of my ability. i have priorities and i take care of my responsibilities. i wish the program worked through osmosis, but if it did, then no one would need it. and there is the rub, this program isn't for those who need it, it is only for those who want it. because it is only when you want it that you are going to be willing to work for it. todays thought; "Show gratitude. Gratitude is a simple but powerful thing. Find the best in everybody…. Wait long enough, and people will surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you their good side. Just keep waiting." -Randy Pausch

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- juggling life

Every Friday write a story, meme, or poem of 55 words no more no less
and then report it to the g-man!!

"Trips to the dentist and plumbers working on overtime,
trying to tie up tomato plants and reading clean mammograms.
rescheduling appointments to see a specialist
juggling medical bills and calling baby sitters.
Stover's Restoration has done a piss poor job
installing the new sump pump and they
clean up like slobs.
where's my week gone?"

Here you go g-man, thought i would use my 55 to give an update on my week. still had to pay an electrician and now the sump pump doesn't work at all. has not worked for days, plumber came and said there were no holes in my pipes, as the workers reported because i saw water on the liner. he said the water is just sloshing under the liner, so the pump clearly has been installed wrong. my baby has cavities because of the dang tippy cup so this is going to cost 700 out of pocket for the anesthesiologist. insurance won't cover them. it has been a roller coaster week and my sponsor has not returned any of my calls, i have area this weekend and a dental appointment in the morning, plus baby sitting. busy busy need to breathe, gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful my mammogram came back cancer free.
2. today i am grateful my significant other considers my health a top priority and won't let me cancel my appointments due to fear of the out of pocket expense.
3. today i am grateful i can take my baby to the dentist to fix her teeth.
4. today i am grateful i am finally making money.
5. today i am grateful for my recovery, with which i would not have any of my blessings that life has given me.
this has been such a tough week we are bleeding money to the doctors for every visit and the bills are teetering over 2000 dollars plus the sump pump and the electrician which is another 800. i am grateful we have a savings it is an emergency savings, we were trying the suze orman thing but these are emergencies too so it is there and we will be ok. i had a couple of good cries over it, the back specialist just has me on a naproxin therapy for 6 weeks and said if i lost 10 to 20 pounds it might help with my back, if at the end of the 8 weeks it was sill bad we would try decompression therapy, if that doesn't work more tests and then possibly injections. that appointment got rescheduled to this morning at 8 am where i waited for 45 minutes to be called back. i did not get done until after we missed the family therapy appointment so it has been a very, very tiring day, a good day, but tiring. todays thought; "I mean life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that a bonus? I think the life cycle is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm!!"- George Carlin
boy do i miss George Carlin!!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

check out these garden pictures!!!

this is my jalapeno plant. or plants there are four closely planted pepper plants, try to say that three times fast!! and i have two jalapeno peppers growing very cool, or hot stuff!!

check out this bad boy!! it is over 12 inches long!! can i grow a garden or what!! i totally missed this one, wes actually found it today, i told him that i went to look there about a week ago and a big white spider was there so i just left it there to kill bad bugs and didn't bother to look again!!
here is my little helper, these tomato plants are taller than her and there are over 40 tomatoes now!!
these are my cucumber vines and behind them of course are my zucchini plants i found little cucumbers today, i hadn't looked at all until wes showed me the big one!!
these back here are my watermelon, cantaloupe and butternut squash, don't know how or when to expect any kind of harvest, but they sure are taking off!!
here is my special prize today one big red tomato, we decided last night to wait until today to harvest this guy and eat him up and then when i went out there this morning i found this hanging on my plant.
i thought crows only ate field corn!! how the he$% am i supposed to keep them from eating all my red juicy delicious tomatoes!! i was so excited my first tomato!! well we ate it anyway!!

ok for some real new stuff, i have taken on babysitting, going for a daycare license and will have up to four little ones plus my two to boot. but at the rate of 4 dollars per hour per kid that is 16 bucks an hour and i would not be leaving my kids any where else and i am only taking first shift, 2 of whom will be here at 5:30 in the morning so i need to finish up. this is a temporary thing until i figure out how to market myself as a professional photography retouch and graphic artist. i will have my bad debt paid off by the end of summer and i will be starting to pay down my student loans, yeah me!!! wes is going on a trek tomorrow to find his fathers people, i think this is a great thing, my Haley has a dentist appointment tomorrow and there is the womens meeting as well. we had the electrician come and do the sump pump today and the stover guy (liner dudes) informed us that there is a pinhole leak under the kitchen sink, so the plummer will be here tomorrow as well. lots of fun. we have not finished painting the kitchen and wes still has not called a realtor. we did get rid of the old washer and dryer today scrapped it and got a whopping 1.20!! then passed a sign saying "we buy appliances" cest la vie!!
gratitude list to keep me where my feet are;
1. today i am grateful i haven't relapsed.
2. today i am grateful i am still alive.
3. today i am grateful i give back to my community.
4. today i am grateful for my new home group.
5. today i am grateful for my family.
i don't think i need to elaborate on how much i love my girls, that is pretty self explanitory when you read my posts, i love to wake up each morning and work the pain out of my back so i can be with my babies. they are such a gift and truly bless me everyday with their loving smiles. today they were outside playing and gillybean called to haley and said "come on haley!" then she grabbed her big sisters hand and they started running together. it was so sweet to watch them. i am so grateful for my life today. todays thought; "Be aware of wonder. Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some."-Robert Fulghum

Sunday, July 5, 2009

for Cliff of WIXY's gone Bananas fame

i like Cliff of WIXY's gone Bananas fame because, he is a blogger with a lot of heart, and though he is going through one of the toughest days of his life right now i know he has joy in his heart.
i like Cliff because he has a gift of introducing new bloggers to the community and making us feel as welcome as coming home for the holidays.
i like Cliff because even when he has hard times he keeps up with a grin on his face.
i like Cliff because he has compassion in his writing and takes the time to blog at least once a day if not more.
i like Cliff because when i read his blog he has a way of getting me on a soapbox.
i like Cliff because he loves his family so much, and he considers so many of us in the blogging community family.
Please say a prayer for peace and serenity for Cliff and his family as he has just lost his brother to cancer. i am truly sorry for your loss Cliff and I hope you can rest easy knowing your brother is not suffering any more.
todays gratitude list;
1. i am grateful for my blogging community and the friends i have made in this journey.
2. i am grateful to be able to connect with my family even though they should have stopped talking to me altogether due to my using days.
3. i am grateful that i have two beautiful children who never knew me using, i hope they never will.
4. i am grateful for my wonderful boyfriend who takes such good care of me and my family and treats me with unparalleled respect.
5. i am grateful for 4 years 5 months of clean time that has given me the freedom to live such a joyous life.
todays thought; "Each contact with a human being is so rare, so precious, one should preserve it."- Anais Nin

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- techno geeks

every friday write a short story of 55 words, no more no less
and report it to the g-man!

"do you twitter? do you tweet?
did you ever in your life,
think this would be sweet?
my space, face book two words or one?

does it matter when it's all for fun?
emails and blogging twitters or tweets
cyber space is full of new friends to meet.

days without blogging or tweets seem incomplete."

here you go g-man, hope i counted correctly. what do you think? too much technology out there to not play with some of it!!
so here is my gratitude list 5 things i am grateful for to keep me in today;
1. today i am grateful for microwave kettle corn, it is sweet crunchy and delicious, the kids love it too!
2. today i am grateful my gillian's hair is finally long enough to put into one pony tail!!
3. today i am grateful for my driving skills and that i am not an erratic driver.
4. today i am grateful that i was able to give away two cups of coffee, didn't have time to wait for them to be made, had a free coupon so i let someone else have my mocha. i made someones day.
5. today i am grateful i do not have to pay $5000 for braces for "A". she thinks her teeth are crooked, or have a space in them, the dentist said they could work on them but they did not need to, the price was way too high for just a cosmetic fix. i think she has a great smile, what do you think?

she is so self conscious, i am not sure where she gets her perfectionism from, but i know today
mom does not have to co-sign her insecurities. besides i think she has a magnificent smile. it's a good thing she doesn't read my blog or she would kill me if she saw her picture up here!! i am grateful she doesn't read my blog!!

coffee and breakfast

well we just got done with breakfast, we had quiche and i made the girls some johnnycakes. last night i made chicken and beef kabobs with a hoisen marinade, this morning i took the leftovers and put them in the quiche with some mozzarella cheese, yummy. oh and fresh Ethiopian coffee
the stover restoration people never came back to fix the basement and they tore up the liner and did not put it back together so i will be calling them shortly. i tried to get a hold of my sponsor, 3 calls so far and she has not returned a one.
not too much to report, Wes is home for a vacation from his work, i have him all to myself for 11 days!! yeah me. i did not make the womens meeting last night, this is two weeks in a row now, not intentional and i need to make up the missed meeting. complacency is dangerous for this addict, i just don't know where to go for a meeting. maybe i can go up to hutch or maybe newton tonight, newton would be closer. i know i am not trying to be in violation of tradition 12 and i am not trying to harbor a resentment to meeting halls here in town. but when ever i go to a meeting and continually have my anonymity broken, well my time is very precious today. i cannot waste it in a non recovery atmosphere. i refuse to waste my time. meetings are imperative to my recovery, so is my family, and when i go to a meeting i leave my family, so the time i spend away has got to have some value to it. and there is no value when you go somewhere and feel bad about going there. it is like buyers remorse, you get one chance to buy something and if it is not good you are stuck with it. i can't get the time back that i spend, so i need to be careful where i spend my time.
my sister finally made it home!! yeah. she called me from texas and said she was being ordered to pull over, they were stopping all the cars so she would call me back. then she said, "suzie, they were looking for illegal immigrants!" she was in utter disbelief. like i said my sister does not play with a full box of rocks. so i asked her "did you tell them you just dropped off your illegal husband in mexico?" she said, "yes i did!!" she is so proud of trying to get her ducks in a row, i hope it all works out, i still have no clue if they are going to pardon him or not. for now he is with his father in juahaca which is very very far south, i think it is a little village of indians. he showed us a video taken at his village once when they were having a celebration and there was subtitles in spanish. i said "why are the subtitles in spanish?" he said because his people don't speak spanish, it is a different language. so he speaks 3 different languages. i thought it was very very cool. and they have the best mole mix down there, you can't buy it here because there are so many different ingredients that the FDA would make them measure it and that would be impossible for them. it comes in a powder form and here it is in a paste, and they all taste different. the coffee down there is amazing too. Wes is hoping Rey will bring back some fresh beans or mole when he gets back.
i have to get some more pictures of my garden up it is just growing out of control, my tomato plants come up to my shoulders!! i have like 35 green tomatoes on them and the green beans are growing in fast, the cucumbers are taking over the entire garden!! there little tendrils are trying to catch on to everything. i am not sure what to do about that. i found out that carrots are slow growers, i thought mine just weren't taking. i pulled one and it was nice and orange but like a quarter of an inch long, shorter then the baby carrots you see in stores. i was told they wouldn't be ready until like end of July or early August.
well it is thursday so i will post my 55 tonight,now my gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for Wes being home i love our conversations and spending time together, not being rushed.
2. today i am grateful for gieco, they quoted me 100 dollars less for a 6 month policy then the one i currently have.
3. today i am grateful for my friend Paul, he is in recovery 4 years and has sole custody of his 4 beautiful children, mom is still out there.
4. today i am grateful for my new home group, the members are mostly new, not too much service but they are really great people.
5. today i am grateful for my home, sometimes i try to run from it but it is MY home and i accept it today.

sometimes this little addict needs a swift kick in the butt to see the gifts in her life, today i have this daily gratitude list ,or at least when i blog it is there and it does help to keep me in today.
today's thought; "Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."- Anias Nin