Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My summer

We saw the 6th installment of Harry Potter at the midnight release. I want to go see it again it was amazing.

Haley had oral surgery and her mouth was swollen for a couple of days. Very hard to watch, and then she broke one of those porcelain caps and had to go have it fixed.

Here you can see she got her lovely smile back!! Hooray!!

Someone vandalized my window. I remember how calm and collected Wes and his friend were and I had to call my sponsor and cry for a minute. i did take it personally at first, but it was fixed with in 12 hours, so that made it easier to let go of.

Gillian made wishes all summer long!!

Adrianna got her hair done then uploaded pictures to her facebook to show her friends!! I know what a nut!!

Wes's family reunion, Here i am with the youngest and oldest living Simon's in the family. Gillian at 2 years old and her cousin at 92 years old. They were 90 years apart from each other!! 90 years, wow I had to get this picture even if bean was scared, don't know if this gal, who i forgot her name, will be there next year!!

I grew my very first garden!! I love looking at these healthy pictures, my garden has definitely seen better days. i get bit up all to pieces every time i go out there and i can see a lot of my tomato plants are dying out there, my peppers are thriving really well. my zucchini died early in the summer from the squash bugs, and my cole plants are getting all ate up and the BT spray doesn't seem to be working. I think the bugs in my garden are some kind of mutant bugs from another planet. Because everything organic I have tried is not having any effect on them. So I am going to study up and see what I can grow next year and how I can better plan for my 2nd garden.

Kids with gratitude, i just love it. Have had a very busy summer, we had a campout as well. I know there is so much to review I just wanted to get a post in. Last night my home group had birthday night, my sponsor said she would try to go because she was not going to her home group, as she had to work. But she never showed up. I even called both her home and cell phone no answer no call back. My friend lost her sponsee to cancer on Sunday. It was very sad and I really feel for the family, i know how hard it is to care for someone with cancer when you don't have the right medical insurance to get help.
I am worried the medical reform bill is going to die in congress. Republicans are dead set of stopping the public option so that the insurance companies can win. If that happens i am going to seriously consider going back on medicaid for the kids. The state will pay for them if I file separate taxes from Wes with my daycare. The cost of prescriptions is free, doctor appointments are free emergency room visits covered. Even dental and optical. With the co- pays right now we are out of pocket over 4400. We looked into other insurance options for next year but this is the only plan that has a domestic partner clause in it. So we are stuck with this. We cannot get married until I clear up my debt, and spending all this extra money on medical bills has put my bad debt on hold so we can not pay it off yet.
But at least the republicans can scare the public into being afraid of a public option long enough to let the bill die, then we can all go back to welfare. I mean that is government run medical and it is cheaper than what I am paying now and technically i can qualify for it, who cares that your tax dollars are paying for my children right! I mean with the public option it would at least be paid for by me instead of by your taxes but why should i try to save you money when you are killing my family and giving all the profits to these middle men who do nothing but take our money.
i have done what i can to help the health care bill. I have fear that it won't pass, obviously. i am being very sarcastic here but it is not nearly as insane as some of the crap the media is spewing out. I can't believe some of the comments that come from these political analysts. Thank god we live in a country where it is OK to call our black president a racist. and put images of him as hitler on poster board and walk down the streets with it.
If we lived in Iran those people would be shot on the spot. Those commentators would be publicly tortured and then beheaded for such disrespect. Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck both would have never made it as far as they have because if you are a known addict, you will be executed. NA meetings are run in secret and the punishment is death if they are caught.
So I guess it is good that our President can be mocked and ridiculed, as long as he is a democrat and the republicans run the air waves.
So i need some gratitude;
1. today I am grateful for this wonderfully adventure filled summer.
2. today i am grateful for my country, with all it's faults i still have hope for this diverse nation of immigrants, remember we all are immigrants, not just the Mexicans.
3. today i am grateful for my Mexican heritage.
4. today i am grateful for the memories of my father.
5. today i am grateful for 1,726 days clean.
6. today i am grateful for this blog and the community of people who take time to write, read and leave comments. I have spent over an hour already just on this post. So i understand how much time it takes.
thanks to all who stop by and read my thought. Happy Humpday!! Almost forgot today's thought!!!"From what we get, we can make a living; What we give, however, makes a life."- Aurthur Ashe

Sunday, September 27, 2009

just a weekend update

too much to do , too little time to do it!! cleaned out my garage this weekend, boy what a mess!! i think i deserve a medal.
Wes and i went out on a date!! first one in years, and it was not an all you can eat buffet either!! they had real silverware!! then he took me for a walk and on to a meeting then a romantic evening afterwords...
we start couples counseling on the 13th of October. i just feel like we are so very different in where we are in recovery that he does not hear what i am saying to him. i do not like to fight or get emotional but i need to stand in my own truth. now he has shown some change in his behaviors but we are both trying to work together. my main crux in this mix is our lack of understanding each other. i feel so far away from him, it doesn't help that i sleep in the recliner because of my arthritic back. and when he comes home upset it puts me in this defensive mode that i have automatically done something wrong, like not clean the house enough or am in some way responsible for why he is upset. wow, i think that is my biggest problem.
pile this on top of two addicts, control freaks and both of us right, well you can see a very heated discussion. the sick part is i am usually the heated discusser!! he is so damn rational and i am so friggen emotional. it sucks. but he is still here, he still wants to be on my team, our team.
and me i am like this little kid who just tied her first shoelace. "look at me look at what i can do!!" you know learning to stand in my own truth, learning not to stuff my feelings is HARD. every time i try to not stuff it is like something inside just unloads until the house is bursting with my own sh$%. balance in all things they say, i am used to being a ticking time bomb, been one my whole life. never really said what was bothering me just wanted to scream anything to be heard, if that makes any sense. now, today, i want to be heard, but not hurtful. i want to be understood and be OK with whom ever i may be speaking with and them not fully understanding what I am trying to say, so long as i know i said what i am trying to say. does that make sense?
i know it doesn't but i am trying to make sense of my crazy addict thoughts. i have this plaque above my computer, it was my grandma's. it says; "i know you believe you understand what you think i said, but i am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant."
that is soo me right now, in fact that is how it has been my whole life. i do not want to quit this relationship. i want to keep moving forward. i am willing to take a risk and hope that we come out clean and together on the other side. that would be awesome.
on another note, i think my daycare is ready for inspection the new lithium batteries came in, i got the kids furniture and my living room is all set up. garage look fabulous house looks amazing i just love this home, i wish i felt more secure in it being my home, i don't know what my problem is. Haley still has a bit of a rash on her bottom, we are still taking antibiotics. Wes mentioned the timing was a "god shot" because if i had my license by now i would have to close down for a bit and probably lose costumers. now we have time for Haley to heal and get the last few items ready for the surveyor. and it won't affect my business once she is all better and we get a clean bill of health. so here is my gratitude list to keep me in today;
1. today i am grateful for this gift of recovery.
2. today i am grateful i am an addict.
3. today i am grateful for the memories of my mother.
4. today i am grateful for the air conditioning.
5. today i am grateful for modern medicine.
6. today i am grateful for my past, it has led me to the present.
7. today i am grateful for my sponsor, who i do not call enough.
8. today i am grateful for step 7, i have been stuck on this question for 3 days now and haven't called my sponsor.
9. today i am grateful for forgiveness, i do not want to be bitter.
10. today i am grateful i DO get it, i wish this for so many others, but for me i get it and i am so grateful for that. wishing you all a grateful Monday!!

thanks for listening to my ramblings, i really do appreciate you taking the time to read and leave me comments. and so for today's thought; "One of life's gifts is that each of us, no matter how tired and downtrodden, finds reasons for thankfulness."--J. Robert Maskin

Thursday, September 24, 2009

every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick
of 55 words, no more, no less and report
back to the G-man!!!

"Life is too short to wallow in anger,
self- pity, distrust and fear are a danger
To live life to it's fullest, is truly a test
of faith, hope and strength to truly be blessed.
Life's full of miracles, one day at a time
recovery's a process to trust with my heart,
my blessings divine."

Here ya go Mr. Know-it-All!! Hope I counted correctly. here goes my gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for Chic Mama for giving me the primo award!! lovely piece of art.
2. today i am grateful for JROTC in High School, my "A's" team won her meet tonight!!
3. today i am grateful for the time i have spent with my little girls, playing with them in quarantine has bonded us even closer.
4. today i am grateful for protein shakes, with fruit and yogurt, nice little treat.
5. today i am grateful for my health, my recovery and my life.
6. today i am grateful for some humility, i so desperately need with Wes, so we can resolve some issues.

i hope you all have a wonderful weekend, i hope to check out and leave some comments this weekend, i don't usually have time to blog on the weekends but i try to stop by and see how the rest of my cyber community is doing. i hope to hit a meeting tomorrow and will send out an update on my girls as soon as possible. as for today's thought;
"Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too."- Voltaire

Premio Blog Award

I would first like to thank Chic Mama for this beautiful award. Thanks for thinking of me when you received this. It is just beautiful and has really brightened my day.
I would like to award this to the following blogs;

Christina from "the Uniboob Club"- Christina is such a strong and motivating spirit of hope, love and endurance. I know she has been through a lot this year and i hope this award helps her spirit.

Brenda of "Snicker, Snicker, snort snort" fame- Brenda is a sweet soul who has just suffered a loss of a family member, a brave soldier fighting for this country. my hopes in this is to raise her spirits as well.

Mom and Dad from "An Addict in Our Sons bedroom"- Mom and Dad have been sharing their trials of dealing with an adult child in active addiction, something very close to my heart, and they have taken their pain and turned it into hope and strength for others to come and learn to cope with this terrible disease. They have been through a lot, to say the least, and they are just a powerful presence here to have.

Angel of "Here and Now" fame- Angel is a wonderful woman who has a lot to offer this world, sometimes we fail to see the beauty in ourselves when we continue to look out the window. I just thought she should have a reminder of how special she really is and i hope this gives her some peace.

Of course no list would be complete with out Cliff of "WIXY's gone Bananas" fame- Cliff has had his share of ups and downs this year, including the loss of his brother and has seemed to manage just an inspiring attitude of love and faith, not to mention all the blogs he introduces us to so well. Thank you Cliff for all that you do.

And finally I would like to give this award to Syd of "I'm just F.I.N.E." fame- Syd has been around for quite a while and has received many well deserved awards. He shares so eloquently the trials of life from a perspective i never had before. The other side of Addiction if you will, and he is amazing at working a program and giving the best advise and words of encouragement that touch so many lives. He too is suffering today, as so many other bloggers have gone through these tough times. Yet seem to come through the other side stronger and with an even more zest for life then before.

So there is my list ,short and sweet, so many others I can think of but I need to stop now as tonight i have to post for Fridays 55. If you get a chance to stop by some of these wonderful blogs and say hey, I think that would be a great gift!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

just some rantings

Gosh it has been such a busy weekend, we are quarantined right now. just found out my Haley has mrsa!! Scary stuff i have been reading. been sanitizing the house down and now my girls cannot take their baths together.
what looked like a rash on her bottom a couple of weeks ago and it still does, not like any of those hideous pictures i have seen online. well at first i though it was a yeast infection but i put nystatin on it and nothing then i tried the A&D ointment, then the benadryl thinking it might be an allergic reaction then some desityn i took like 5 different bottles of ointment to the doctor with me on Friday. i didn't want to go to another doctors appointment if it was something i could fix on my own, ya know we have just been hammered with doctor bills and we are going broke because of it. but i showed Wes and asked for a suggestion and he told me to take her to the doctor, reluctantly i did, and i am glad i did, my doctor thought it was a staff infection. she said it was nothing to worry about and she was going to take a sample to have tested just to be sure, in the mean time she gave us an oral anti biotic and instructed me to let air get on her bottom and if she was at home and wanted to run naked let her, it was not contagious. then i get a phone call yesterday afternoon and they tell me it is contageous and the girls cannot bathe together and to be careful it is mrsa!! so here we are unable to go to the gym who i called and they had to close down the daycare to sanitize it!!
then yesterday morning we had a dentist appointment for Haley as she broke one of her $1000 dollar caps. all 4 cost $1000 total plus the $850 for the anesthesiologist. like i said we are getting hammered with out of pocket costs. don't you just love insurance companies?!? I mean what do they do? they are a middle man who make money off sick people. really why can't i just negotiate with the doctors offices myself why do i need insurance?!? these insurance companies are going around telling me how much my health is worth. because my annual benefit coverage is $2000 and for the family it is $6000, which makes it less than the actual $2000 for myself with a family of five. now everything else is out of pocket and they still get their premiums. plus they tell me weather or not something is going to be covered!! They mandate to my doctors what will or will not be covered, weather i need it or not!! And some people are dumb enough to listen to the lies of fox news and believe that a government option would be bad!! They say that the government is going to tell me what i can or cannot have as a procedure!! What the hell do you think the f&^*ing insurance companies are doing right now!!!! Case point Quinine. a wonderful little pill given to my mother for Charley horses. this little 2 dollar prescription has worked for elderly patients for years, like 50 years and it is cheap!!! Well not any more, if you have leg cramps you are going to need a narcotic like lortab!! Yummy for this little addict, but why when the Quinine worked so well? I will tell you why, because some big shot at the pharmaceutical company found out about this little gem of a pill being what they called "grandfathered in" from WWII and realized they had not made enough money off of it. So now it can only be prescribed for Malaria!! And where would you find an outbreak of malaria in this day and age?! why a third world country of course. Where they can sell this lovely little pill to the highest paying guerrilla army to keep their children soldiers healthy enough to kill innocent people!! Why is it we live in a country where you can get rich off of sick people!! The insurance companies are not the doctors!! They do nothing but make money off sick people i say get rid of insurance companies and work with doctors one on one and pay them what they need we would probably save a bucket of money not paying a middle man and the doctors would not get any loss in pay because they would not have to pay the insurance companies for collecting their fees!!! why is it so hard for this health care reform bill. it is not socialist medicine. and you know what else we do not have the best medical in the world, in fact we rate no. 37 in countries, with Sweden in front of us. And you know what else sucks ask any person with leg cramps, someone on dialysis, and they will tell you lortabs don't work, the medicine that worked was quinine. the restless leg syndrome pill, that doesn't work either and has some awful side affects for people who used to take quinine. but what do i know i am just a hopeful idiot who thinks she can change a tea baggers mind. i mean did they really think Obama a nazi? are we really this ignorant of a country?!? really.

Gosh where did I go what a tirade!! Thanks to those of you who have the patience to listen to me, sorry about the rant. it is just so difficult to pick and choose what ailment is important enough to go to the doctors for. i need to stand in my own truth and i believe in President Obamas health care bill, not the BJ to the insurance companies the congressmen came up with. with all this fighting it just goes to show you, exactly which congressmen have lobbyists in their back pockets and why the President chose to not take donations from those people, he took mine and he is doing the job i asked him to do, that is to try to reform our health care system. did you know that President Bush's cousin owns fox news, ever wonder why they are so hard up to bring down the President? things that make you go HHMMmmmm.

Anyway thank you if you are still reading this, that means you have an open mind and are willing to look at different perspectives. good for you. i am still working on getting my side of the street clean, and i hope. i just hope this country would be less divided and see our diversity as a strength we can build on. and i hope someone puts Rush Limbaugh into a good treatment facility for his nasty little addiction and i hope they don't choose the one Glenn Becks crazy a@# went to. that man is absolutely insane!! and he blows the 12th tradition right out of the water on camera!! he has no shame!! OK, ok I will stop now. so i am going to do some more service work and here is my gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful to live in this wonderful country where i am aloud to speak my mind and i can even agree to disagree with members of society and not take it personally.
2. today i am grateful i chose to stay off the government run medicaid program even though it would cost me less to have my kids on it, the taxpayers do not need more taxes, including me.
3. today i am grateful there is government run medical for those in need.
4. today i am grateful my family is healthy and it is worth the cost.
5. today i am grateful for my recovery that blesses me with the ability to be responsible for my family and not expect someone else to pick up the tab.

i am truly blessed today as i look at my actions and the responsibility i choose to take in my life today. i am grateful it is showing my children to be responsible for themselves as they get older. i hope this post did not offend anyone, it has always been my venue to vent what i need and get something off my chest so i may continue to take care of my family and not vent my frustrations out on them. you know this really does help me get through my day as i don't worry so much about these little things after i get them out of my head. that is what works for me so for today's thought; "I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention."- Diane Sawyer
"Many people may listen, but few people actually hear."- Harvey Mackay

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- walking through hell

I learned this week that September is Prostate Cancer Awareness month!!! You can read on or scroll down to the Flash Friday, I hope you read this first.

The following includes excerpts taken directly from a blog called Lemon Margaritas. Susan Metters is an amazing cancer survivor extraordinaire and i just love her blog, i will try to link you to her post so you can follow her yourself. I have followed her since mom got diagnonsensed with lung cancer. She has even emailed me back and forth with some amazing support through the last few years. i tell ya' this blog thing is really amazing;
"Did you know that September is Prostate Cancer Awareness Month? Yeah, I didn't either. Until today, when I was emailed by a reader. Breast Cancer Awareness month is so over-marketed that it is nearly impossible to make it through October without being inundated with pink ribbons every time you go to the grocery stores. And it's important to be aware of breast cancer because 1 in 8 women will get it in their life time. But did you know that prostate cancer is even more common in men than breast cancer is in women? Yeah, I didn't either. Prostate Cancer is the most common non-skin cancer in America, affecting 1 in 6 men. In 2009, more than 192,000 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer, and more than 27,000 men will die from the disease this year. And yet Prostate Cancer Awareness isn't even on most peoples radar. And it should be"

So now that I was made aware, by Susan and she is doing her part to make others aware, we need to do our part and make more people aware. I would like you guys to help make others aware too, you can copy the logo and blog about this horrible disease that will kill our brothers, fathers, sons and friends and neighbors. Please if you haven't had yourself checked, men, get your prostates down to your local office and check it out!! Early detection is the key!! I had my boobies smashed last month and made sure I will be here for my girls. And i am going to call you out Syd, Cliff, Larry, Woody,Dad, Fireman John, Dr. John, mr. know-it-all!! All you men out there who have prostates that need to be checked!!! Please, this is important, you deserve good health. So get off your prostates and get checked out!!

So if you want to help raise awareness just copy the logo and you can link up to Susans blog as well, now she has some local places where she is that are hosting events, there are no places where i am but if you find any please post them on your blog as well.

Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick of 55 words
No more, No less and report it to the G-man!!

"anger depression self loathing and pity the cycle of fear will it ever end some days you can master your demons others are like walking through quicksand with prayer, meditation and practicing honesty and humility can turn your day around knowing these things are never enough if you're not willing to walk through the fire"

As always, here ya go G-man. Hope I counted right. it has been such an emotional roller coaster of a week for this little addict, but i never used and that is a miracle. today i feel my feelings and that is the difference for me from the addict i was. i appreciate my feelings today, the good and the bad. i appreciate both because without the bad I would not appreciate the good and I really love the good days, they are so much more rewarding than the bad.

I was just going to post one and then the other, but I never got to my computer in time and tomorrow is Friday and the month is almost over. i hope to see many more blogs out there posting about this months importance. The men in my life are just as important as the women, so while next month my girls need to check their boobies, this month my guys need to check their prostates. so I will leave you with this thought;
"If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results." Jack Dixon

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

coming back into reality

well we had a chance to talk yesterday, or should i say i cried and cried and tried to speak and he tried to understand. he brought up a good point that i had not thought of, and i don't think my sponsor would have said it because she would have before, this is an ongoing issue with me and him and the kids.
but he said i have some triggered emotion from the past with haley and gillian, and i am trying to stop what happened with me and my sister by taking it out today. i think i said that wrong, but what i mean to say is that i am comparing gillian and haley's relationship to me and my sister, and wes said it is not the same thing. now i am not saying ok you are right i am wrong and letting it go, because i just don't know what this is, but that is a perspective i never thought of before.

when we were little girls, my older sister could do no wrong, in my fathers eyes. really, i mean mom would go to punish her for doing something like stealing and dad would tell her it was ok. my older brother was my fathers step child, jimmy's daddy died when he was 2 years old, and him and dad of course never got along. my older sister came along and had daddy wrapped around her little fingers, any time she would cry, even wolf, daddy would spank jimmy or make him stand in the corner with a telephone book on his head.
this turned my sister into the biggest manipulating child one could imagine, remember the show little house on the prairie? remember nelly olson? that was how my sister was, to all of us. really.
now i don't remember all the fights but one flash memory that i do have was when mom went to my uncles house to play cards, dad came home and it was just us kids and he was pretty sauced up by then. so he walked in and told jimmy to take the garbage out to the street, we were all at the dinner table, me, my sister and jimmy, then he went to lay down, he always went to lay down.
so jimmy asked my sister if he could have the basket ball to dribble while he took the garbage out, my sister said sure and handed him the ball. then he went out and my sister made a bee line for daddy's room. daddy came out with his belt out and he was screaming at jimmy. i don't remember how much he hit him or if jimmy hit back, he was about 14 at the time. but jimmy left the house and called my mom at my uncles and that is when all hell broke loose.
mom came home and put me and jimmy in the car and daddy pulled a shot gun out and told her she wasn't leaving. mom turned around and put the muzzle to her head and told him to pull the fu*&en trigger. of course daddy didn't, then we left.
there were many more of these fights to come over the years, and a couple more kids too, i think mom was pregnant when this happened and that is why she stayed. i don't really remember.

i remember hating my sister to the very core of my being for years and years. it wasn't until after daddy died, and after i got clean that we even developed a relationship. it is hard to have boundaries with her, but necessary, but our relationship has only been what it is for the past 4 years.

so when i say wes may be onto something when he said i am comparing how i grew up to what my children are experiencing, he may be right. so how do i know this is different, does this require more faith and diligence on my part. because while i am not turning a blind eye to how we discipline the children, then how do i differentiate the two situations. going over my stepwork, my fourth step, i never wrote any of this down in my resentments, and i was so thorough.
am i angry at my mother for not being anything more than a martyr, or am i angry at my father for being a drunk? i thought i forgave them, they did the best they could, the only way they knew how to parent. that doesn't make it right, and i do not agree with it, but i accept the past for what it was so why is this bothering me today. i guess this is where a call to my sponsor would come in handy, huh. cause i ain't paying dr. phil!!!
now as for discipline, we use the 1,2,3 magic method by dr. phelan. his philosophy is to think of children as "wild animals" and the parents as "wild animal trainers". i know it sounds absurd but check it out it really is a great method. he also says there is a one in 1000 chance you will have a problem child, or "room wrecker" as he labels them, and i have that one in a 1000 in my haley.

the 2 main rules of this method are for the parents and the first one is "no talking" the 2nd is "no emotion". you simply count and put in time out. no emotion no scolding and it is very difficult to not get emotional. but he says 99 percent of the time when the method stops working it is because the parents have broken one or both of those rules. I have the video so I will watch it again with wes, we need a refresher. it is very good and it is wonderful because it works, if you work it. so I can say I am in a much better space today, i am still a work in progress, still on step 7, my friend showed up yesterday and installed my fire alarms and put up my bulletin board, I went and did my tb test for my assessment and paid a medical bill and i just dropped my daughter off for her first day of college!! so gratitude to keep me in today;
1. today I am grateful for the ability to see things from another perspective.
2. today I am grateful that i am continuing to pursue getting my daycare opened.
3. today I am grateful that I have not quit.
4. today I am grateful to have gotten over another emotional roller coaster.
5. today I am grateful I never had the urge to use drugs during that time.

I did not go to a meeting last night, wes asked if i would go, but it is so discouraging to be the only person who will share so intimately what is truly going on with me. i want to go somewhere where everyone feels it is safe to share, and they do. that means going out of town, so I will try to hit a meeting in hutch or newton this weekend. i went to the gym today and was busy busy and that leaves me with todays thought;
"There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic." Anais Nin

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

some days are a struggle

today is a struggle for me. i cannot seem to shake my anger. i am so angry today. the kids are making me angry and they are not doing anything wrong. i went to a meeting last night and i am still angry. i am working on my 7th step and the questions are making me angry.
how does one remove a character defect? how do you ask for it to be removed. i am not being sarcastic this is the real question. and you know i went to the meeting last night looking for guidance, but how do you get guidance from the same 2 people. i went to a different meeting last week and it was not a good meeting. nobody there wanted to be honest, am i being judgmental, i hope so because why is it that i am the only one who will admit to her defects.
why do so many choose to be clean but live dirty.

i am resentful of my baby. i am becoming resentful towards my little bean because there is a huge difference in the discipline given between her and Haley from Wes. i cannot stand by and watch this without saying something and i do not seem to say what it is i need to say for him to really understand what i am saying.
i know Wes provides for Haley and she loves him dearly, he is her father. but when it is so blatant how he favors Gillian, right in front of Haley, i just can't stand it.
last night i was angry, i am angry about these damn medical bills that keep taking every extra penny we get. i could feel it and when i was trying to talk with him last night the girls were just screaming their little heads off. very chaotic scene. Wes instructed them to go and sit down and get away from the gate, Haley did as she was told , but she was crying, gill continued to stand there and pitch a tantrum.
Wes then tells Haley if she keeps it up she is going to get a spank. i said in a very angry but clearly suppressed tone will you please tell Gillian the same thing!

you know when Haley hits Gillian he yells at her to get in the corner but turn the page and Haley gets poked in the eye and he says oh she is ok. i then yelled at the bean since clearly she was not getting disciplined from him over the same thing Haley would get in trouble for.

i have asked him for counseling. i have told him my feelings on this. i have told him how my sister and me had no relationship until my father died. i have told him how much i hated my sister and i do not want these girls to hate each other. now here i am taking sides. being angry at my daughter because her father refuses to hear my pleas in this situation.

secrets keep me sick. this is an honest program. i cannot get a hold of my sponsor and i am sick of her answering machine. i am refusing to pick up the phone for other addicts right now because i just want to be angry i guess.
it is easier to be angry and self righteous then to try to communicate and continue to get it wrong. why try when he won't hear me anyway. that is my pity pot.

they are napping right now. i want to start my day over. i feel very pressured right now. i cannot get the things done that i need to pass my fire inspection. last night i asked a member if he could help install my fire alarms, he said he would call me today, still no call. i told Wes about this and he said the guy is a flake and don't' expect him to call anytime soon. well i certainly don't expect Wes to put them up any time soon but he does not have to be so flipping negative to me for trying. i feel my powerlessness right now and it is a very vulnerable feeling.

i cannot go to a meeting tonight, as it is Wes's night, i was going to take the girls to the YMCA to swim instead. i cannot go tomorrow night Wes will be in school and i have a training class on Thursday as well as parent teacher conferences. i want to call the dentist since Haley has chipped one of her new caps but i am afraid of more medical bills. i have "A's" sweet 16 in October and probably won't be able to get her anything with all these incoming bills, the girls both have birthdays in December and Wes in November and his clean date of 19 years in October as well. i have no new income coming in and i still need to pay for my license fees. and now i need to return some tot locks for a type that are twice as much because Wes had too much trouble installing the ones i got that were already 30 dollars for eight of them.

i feel like when i cannot communicate to him, like last night, i am not standing in my own truth. i know i was too angry last night to talk to him. so it was good not too but i am not sure how to and when i don't talk i feel like i am stuffing it and now i am ready to explode and i do not want that. sometimes i hate being me, why is it that some days are great and i can handle my emotions and others are like this. i know as an addict there will always be days like this for me. i know this is some lesson i need to learn and it will continue to hurt until i learn it.

i just want to start my day over and be with my girls and enjoy them. i keep getting angry and then i don't enjoy the moment. i just don't want this anger anymore. this demon seems to be getting the better of me today. i want a quick fix and i am obsessing about going shopping and spending money or going to the MacDonald's drive through with them and having a happy meal.
we never do that, we never go out, i don't even like MacDonald's. i think we will go and then have a picnic at the park, if Wes doesn't like it , tough, i need to not be constantly cleaning and keeping all these chores done and all these responsibilities. they can wait. but when i do go and do this it feels like such an emotional relapse and i hate myself for it. see how crazy i can drive myself. i am so sad right now and i feel all alone, and i feel so distant from Wes because i haven't told him how i am feeling. he wants me to tell him but it feels like i am keeping a secret from him and i am just trying to sort out my thoughts, control the outcome if you will, before i speak to him.
i think i need a gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful for my computer skills, it gives me a new freedom to get my thoughts out there and isolate less.
2. today i am grateful for Haley, she really was my miracle baby, i never thought i would be blessed with another child.
3. today i am grateful for Gillian, she was my Christmas present, we thought there were serious complications with some testing we did when i was pregnant, but she is the most healthiest and beautiful little thing.
4. today i am grateful i can still hold my babies at night, my bean still comes out to sleep with me, i let her because it just will not last forever.
5. today i am grateful for the sun finally coming up it has rained for about 5 days here, my poor garden has suffered so much.

it is hard for me to be grateful today, my head keeps twisting up the negative. i am still trying though. i was extremely saddened about the loss of Patrick Swayze yesterday. i have been obsessed with cancer victims and i hate it when one loses their battle to this insidious disease. cancer really sucks, the current medical situation really sucks, i really hope for this reform bill. the bickering that goes on in Washington really sucks right now. we need health care reform and we need it now.i am babbling now so here is my thought today;"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things."--T. S. Eliot

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Our Trip to the Fair!!

So here we are bright and early heading out to the state fair in hutchinson on saturday morning!! Everyone, well almost everyone is bright eyed and bushy tailed!!

First item on the agenda was the driving school for toddlers!! The parents had to teach their kids the rules of the road and assist them in making lane changes, looking before turning and not letting them crash into each other!! here is my bean having fun in a pink car, she had traded in her motorcycle she first started driving for this guy.
Here is my haley!! Driving around like she is Miss Thang!!

Here is daddy filling her up with gas!! He was the only one who figured out where the gas tanks were and how to pump the gas!! we got extra points for that one. When the kids were done they got their very own drivers licenses and got to color and play basket ball.

Here we went to the petting zoo. Haley made short work of her time there and got straight to feeding the animals, she will make a great ranch hand, she wants to live on a farm.

Here is the bean, a little shy of feeding the animals, but she was having a lot of fun walking around with some food anyway. She ended up pouring all her food out in one of the animals cages, she didn't know to just give a little to each of them.

here they were trying to take home one of the sheep. of course we sanitized our hands afterwords.

The highlight of their day, Pony rides!! Haley has been asking daddy for a few months now if she could ride a pony, so he decided when the fair came in we would take her up there on the first weekend so she could have her pony ride!!

She was so proud to be on her pony!!

Here I am almost letting my bean fall of her pony, I never rode before and i was not comfortable around the little guy, i think he knew it. he has this look on his face like i just cattle prodded him!!

Here my Haley sits so great on her first pony ride, though i think hers is a burrow( i won't tell her!!) Unfortunately there was a 60 pound weight limit on the ponies, which was a huge disappointment to Reynaldo, my sisters husband.

So he hopped on the nearest camel for a ride!!!

Here is my sister, scolding her son, not one of her favorite pictures, but i thought it was great!!

Country superstars In the House!!! They were performing i think on Saturday I love the group but was not going to the concert. so here is my souvenir!!

Ever wonder what 1,275 pounds of butter looks like? And they say there are people going hungry in this country, well now you know where too much food goes!! Only in America can we decide to use food in such a wasteful way. The sculpture is amazing, but it was a huge waste of food. Thought I would show ya what we Kansans are proud of in our red state!!

OK So the guy in the back is not my "A", she stayed to ride the bull!! We didn't get out of town and there was our bunch of busy pony riders and licensed drivers!!! They had an absolute blast.

As for the rest of the weekend we had service work at the ASC on sunday, Wes had to study so he went late of course it was an election month and only 8 members showed up. So we closed our meeting early and hope to generate some attendance next month by talking it up in the meetings, this will give me a chance to get to some local groups i have not gone to in a while.
i am in great spirits today as i got this post in, am heading to the gym next and have a meeting tonight. I always feel better when i can hit a meeting. i answered several questions this weekend on my 7th step and i am going to chip away at some more today.
so here is my gratitude list to keep me in the moment and grateful for today;
1. today i am grateful i called a friend first thing and sang happy birthday to her, she is celebrating 7 years of recovery today.
2. today i am grateful i have a meeting tonight.
3. today i am grateful i am still clean and have not had the urge to use.
4. today i am grateful my children are blessed with health and the beauty of life.
5. today i am grateful for my life and the joy i have every day spending each moment with my beautiful family.
6. today i am grateful for the blogging community and the ability to share my life with my blogging buddies!!

thank you so much for all your wonderful comments you take the time to leave me. Our time is valuable and we have so very little spare time, it is very gratifying to me that so many of you can take the time to share your thoughts with me. life is short and i am so very busy i do not get to post everyday, but i do try and stop by to see how my peeps are doing. this leaves me with todays thought; "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."- John F. Kennedy

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Life and my new beginnings

Every Friday write a poem, story or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less
And then report to the G-man!!

"Bad decisions make great stories
Ever come to, under a table in a house
You don't remember going to the night before?
Have you ever called a freind up the next day
to find out what happened last night?
It is such a good feeling to wake up today
grateful I remember the last 1,706 nights!!"

Here you go G-man!! Clean time calculators, aren't they great so that actually totals to 4 years, 8 months and 2 days, but by the time you read this it will be 3 days!!

OK sorry I have been soooooooo busy, just got to show you this pictures I promised, before and after, well I have the girls room here, the before pictures, I have not finished it yet but when it is done you will have to go back to this post to compare but here is what I had painted on their walls 2 years ago...

The vines i did by hand the leaves with a stencil first then hand painted in, I am not that good of a free hand drawer, and the fairies I bought these stickers from Micheal's I think and the flowers too but they just danced on the walls.

See the cloud, my "A" painted that one, and the girls thought it was amazing so now i have taken stock in those mr. clean magic erasers, because it is the only thing that gets crayons off the walls, they always want to paint like mommy did!! Oh in this picture you can see in the corner the border I put up around the room, or what is left of it, my girls made short work of ripping the top layer that had fairies swinging in trees and flower gardens!! So that really needed to come down.

Here is the before of my living room with my announcement board for the day care. Oh and i came up with a great name and just designed the business cards. We have some of the locks up and the fire alarms will be up soon.

What a big change HUH!!! It is awesome, like i said and i couldn't get it on camera but sometimes it turns a share of peach and sometimes more orangy the name of the color on the earth tones color swatch is flaming desire!! So hot and Miami ya think?!?

Sorry like i said I tried to capture it at different times today and my little camera cannot seem to get the color and the walls are a little bare right now i have tons of pictures to put up still.

So this is the second wall tone i picked, i think I could have gone a bit darker in color but as you can see here it tones the orange way down and really compliments it. this shade is called western haze, but it is really just a beige. I like it a lot. These next pictures are for my poor drowning garden, you would think God had started another flood!! It has been pouring for 2 days straight!!

As you can see though my pepper plants love the tropics!! Isn't it just beautiful I mean last week it was half that size !! See the puddles behind it, I tried to take pictures through the window to show you the lake that was forming, but they didn't come out at all i had to wade out in the sludge to get this for ya!!

That is the last dead zucchini plant, i haven't been able to pull it out. My watermelon here, all this green is looking OK but it hates this much water, so I doubt i will get any melons this year.

Eh Tu Brute? Yes someone came and stole my last cantaloupe. It was here, beautiful and now it is gone and the vine is dead as well. So now that I caught you all up on my lovely end of the bloggo-sphere I need to check out you all. I was going to post pictures up yesterday but my computer was fighting with me about loading them up.
Well it is official we have 2 college students in the house!! Wes is going for his masters at WSU and my "A" at 15 is attending Newman University!! She got an Hispanic scholarship for science!! She will take all honors classes this semester in high school and a class on Wednesdays at NU!!!
So gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful everything went wrong!!
2. today i am grateful i accidentally spilled a glass of nails in the garbage disposal!!
3. today I am grateful I crashed the computer!!
4. today I am grateful I broke my carrots in the garden and got mud in my face!!
5. today I am grateful I went to a meeting and there was a big hole in my jeans right on my butt!!
6. today I am grateful I never once got upset over my day, I turned it all over and was able to laugh at my self.
7. today I am grateful for the miracles in my life and the faith I have found.

you know i have an anger issue, I also have an issue with capitol letters, I am ok with imperfection today. i am OK that I am an angry person, today those demons don't control my every moment. My recovery in Narcotics Anonymous has given me a life i never dreamed of, and i am grateful today so for todays thought;"Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it'sthe grain of sand in your shoe."--Robert Service

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Happy Belated Labor Day!!

Just a quick gratitude list, spent the weekend kind of weird. First "A" had a friend come over and then she went over there for the rest of the weekend, So Wes and I had a romantic date on Saturday and spent a lot of quality time together, much needed. Then on Sunday we were going to go to his mothers but we didn't have the funds so we prepped the walls as best we could to paint, we needed to putty some areas and those needed 24 hours before we could do anything else. So on Monday i picked up "A" and called a friend to see about sending the girls over there while i painted the living room. I told her a few hours she heard 2. Oh well my gosh i was painting as fast as i could!! it took 8 hours and Wes finally stopped doing homework to help!! Bless his heart he has stuff to do too!! I could barely move this morning from all the climbing up and down step stools yesterday, my arthritic back was in over time!! Crippling pain I tell ya!! Boy sometimes getting old sucks!! But my living room looks fabulous, really i used a shade of beige and a shade of orange or peach depending on the time of day. earth tones. it was really bright at first, i told Wes I was channeling my Mexican ancestors and my father would be so proud!! it looks like a Miami cantina!!
Oh i love it, it is bright and beautiful and i won the argument over which brand of paint to buy, he was wanting to get the cheap 7 dollar paint, and his argument was "this is what is on the walls now." i said I don't want what is on the walls now i want something i can wash boogers off with that won't leave ugly streaks on the walls. I am opening a daycare and the kids will be touching the walls and I want them to be durable. So he said well get what you think will work. I got Valspar, it was 20 bucks a gallon, with 2 gallons came to about 50 but i still have over 3/4 a can left and i am going to do the girls room next!! OK gotta get to sleep here is my gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful i was not scared to use a bright paint on my walls.
2. today i am grateful i was able to stand up for myself without getting angry.
3. today i am grateful for step 7.
4. today i am grateful i can learn from my mistakes.
5. today i am grateful i went to the gym tonight and have gotten strong because of it.
I need to finish my newsletter and so much more, my little soldier girl niece has a birthday coming up so i spent 3 hours photo shopping her a couple of birthday cards today and got those in the mail, they came out so pretty. gosh how my time just flies by. i will get some before and after pictures posted, my walls still don't have pictures up but they still look fantastic!! for todays thought;"Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made
of things."
--T. S. Eliot

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- tempting an addiction

Every Friday write a story of 55 words
no more, no less and then report it to the g-man!!

'Should I take the dare?
Do I listen to the voices saying I shouldn't care?
I sit here trembling with fear,
as I look at the dope sitting near.
"Go ahead" she giggles, "it's just one line..."
I just realize she is no friend of mine.
one is too many, and
a thousand never enough.'

Here ya go g-man, hope you can get this one easier then the quilly words I used last week! I hope to not hurt those dragons feelings by not using their quilly words this week, I had other things on my mind.
Great stuff to report though, my "A" is going to Newman University on a scholarship this semester!! Tuition is paid for by the foundation and she will get 2 college credits in biology when the semester is over. We are sooo excited and she will be scheduled to graduate high school next year, a whole year early so she will be applying for scholarships to KU in the fall. i made it to the gym today and that made me feel more motivated then anything else, and i finally heard from my sponsor and that really helped my mood. So while i have been thinking of my mother all day, I have not wallowed in sadness and that is some really neat stuff. so here is my gratitude list 5 things I am grateful for today;
1. today i am grateful for my wonderful health, and from the look of my arm I don't have TB either!!
2. today i am grateful for my daughters scientific brain!! she doesn't know how lucky she is to "get it" when it comes to all that crazy math stuff.
3. today i am grateful for the walk we took tonight down by the river.
4. today i am grateful for my recovery in Narcotics Anonymous.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to get out of the way and work my 7th step.

I know my flash has an eerie sound to it, but it is strictly fiction. I have never put myself in that situation. I am grateful to not be silly enough to ever think I need to test the waters or put my recovery in any danger. I read in the news that another addict passed away to his addiction. I have said a moment of silence for a lot of addicts, many of whom I have found out about through this blog. I think about that beautiful moment taken everyday by addicts all across the world who pray for the still suffering addict to make it in the rooms, and for those who will die from this disease. That moment of silence IS my favorite sound. I take it very seriously and I am very grateful for it because I know it helped me get into the rooms. I wonder though because it is so sad to think how easy it is to walk away from your recovery. So on that note, for today's thought;
"We know that we are powerless over a disease that is incurable, progressive and fatal. If not arrested, it gets worse until we die. We cannot deal with the obsession and compulsion. The only alternative is to stop using and start learning how to live. When we are willing to follow this course of action and take advantage of the help available to us, a whole new life is possible. We do not have to understand this program for it to work. All we have to do is to follow direction." from the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous pg 88- 89 Fifth Edition

filling my heart with life

“Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway,
why not live for fun and joy…
why not go to your desire and LAUGH…”
Jack Kerouac
and when she smiles your heart skips a beat. and when she laughs, you feel it in your heart.
do you ever wonder what makes you smile in your heart. i think about my mother and wonder if she felt this same smile in her heart when we were young.

i had a dream about my mother last night. it felt very real. she was at the hospital and she fell, she was very sick. i called her name and ran to her and some paramedics helped me pick her up and put her on a gurney. i was scared, but then i felt OK, like she was going to be OK. then I woke up. and she was gone and i was too late. so I cried this morning for my mom. i waited until "A" was gone to school, as she thinks sometimes that she is the only one who suffered a loss. i think i just didn't want to share my grief with her. she was my mother, not her's.

haley slept with grandma's blanket for a long time, it got too small for her and she kept eating it, so i put it away and last year Santa brought her a new blanket that she uses. i don't know i just am in a wave of grief right now and it has been almost two years.

i didn't get to the gym yesterday, my girls were uncooperative so we finally came home after running a few errands. today we have to go get "A" from school early as everyone needs an assessment for the daycare so it is off to the doctors again today.

tomorrow is friday, so i will sign out now as i will be posting again this evening for flash friday. i hope to come up with a great story, i have a few great ideas more will be revealed.
today's thought;
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

pictures as promised

don't you just love this grin, my gillian right after her morning bath. i can't believe she will be 3 years old in december. her birthday is on the 15th and haley's on the 28th of december so they will both be 3 years old for 13 days!!

here are some new garden pictures, these are my carrot tops. i pulled one about 2 months ago and it was really little, then i pulled one the other day and broke the bottom off, i don't know if i need a shovel to pull them never grew carrots in my life.

there are my new radishes, they came from the valley feed and seed down the street. i will be harvesting them on the 16th i will post and let you know how they come out.

here is my one brave melon. all alone, but very healthy, now if i can keep the nocturnal critters from stealing it i should be fine.

here are my tomato and pepper plants. the soaker hoses seem to be doing great but it takes a lot longer to water the garden. i have sprayed with calcium to stop the blossom end rot, i still get some with it though. we spray weekly now.

flowers are doing awesome, these are marigolds and i don't remember what the little white ones are i think allysum but they are great for attracting good bugs to the garden

more tomatoes and peppers, i have 12 tomato plants and 10 green pepper. now the ones i planted that were supposed to be rainbow bells, i actually have 3 plants that grew and didn't know it and two of them are jalapenos and the third actually might be a bell of some sort the pepper is shaped funny.

my other garden aren't these girls so sweet. i wish i had been so close to my sister. she is recovering from a seizure right now. i did not go to the hospital, i cannot deal with her not taking better care of herself. last month she had a mini- stroke and this month a stressed induced seizure. i pray for the sanity of my girls to grow strong and take care of themselves.

smiles all the time, i wonder how i ever get sad with faces like these and giggles to wake up to in the morning.

couldn't help it, her face is just precious, yes i am bragging but damn she is cute!!
OK enough with the brag shots, so i have posted my garden shots, both my gardens and it is early so we need to get to the gym, then i need to get back here and work on my daycare license. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful for this weather, i was able to turn the AC off and open all the windows and let this beautiful air in.
2. today i am grateful for my sanity, i lose it from time to time and it makes me grateful to have it back.
3. today i am grateful for my home group. everyone should have one and get involved.
4. today i am grateful for my health, i do not have high blood pressure, diabetes or bad cholesterol.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to go to the gym and not be discouraged by not seeing instant results.

i keep thinking when i listen to those stupid commercials that "oh i should go get that new diet pill." i heard one commercial testimony swear they lost 12 pounds in a week!! is that even legal! i never lost that much weight that fast when i was on street dope!! i mean meth is against the law so what ever they are putting in those pills it makes me wonder, where is the weight going, and how is it coming out?!? yuk!! i mean YUK!! i remember being so bashful around wes i wouldn't go to the bathroom until he left me back at the house, could you imagine the nasties it would take to lose 12 pounds in a week!! OK enough visuals, if that grossed you out then don't think of buying into an instant quick fix it pill. do it naturally and have some humility. work on you and everything else will fall into place. i really needed to write that down for me though because us addicts, who always want a quick fix or instant gratification, we need to play the tape all the way through. so for todays thought;
"Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things." --Henry Ward Beecher