Friday, October 31, 2008

Trick or Treat?

Well I guess it is fair to say that Halloween is not for the faint of heart. My what a beautiful warm spring like evening we had though, it is usually blistering cold. Though I had my two little witches dressed warm I was not totally ready for such a hectic event. First I think they were broken, my babies were broken. My usually cute and fun loving duo were just simply not. They cried at everything. Everything, they cried in the car, cried at the mall, cried at the doctor's office, OK so I suppose Halloween is not the day you should schedule a flu shot. So we left the mall before they even started handing out candy because the screaming was bothering the rest of the customers in the mall. The girls must have planned this or something because I felt very, very picked on I couldn't even get a picture with their hats on. They refused to wear their witches hats!! How can I get a good Halloween picture without their hats on!! Then we forgot to get any candy for trick or treaters, we took them to a church carnival and it was absolutely perfect. But it took only about five minutes of our time, so I drove them to a few houses and my oldest decided to come along and take the kids, my sisters two boys as well, to a few houses for some real trick or treating. You know I am so grateful for my program today because I never once yelled at my kids for being fussy, and we enjoyed ourselves when we sat down to dinner and reflected on the difficulties of the day. This is not something that I learned how to do growing up, when I was young my family didn't talk to each other we yelled at each other. It is very hard sometimes to not yell when it comes so naturally. Today was something I am very proud of because instead of ruining the day with a bad attitude I was able to keep my serenity even with missing appointments, and letting the perfect picture get away didn't phase me in the least. My sister would spend the evening crying and blaming her kids for not cooperating to get her a picture. I used to do the same thing. And did I mention that I survived the day with no sleep due to my one year old staying up all night last night!! Poor little thing passed out before we got home and she didn't even budge when I brought her in. We I am wiped out and very happy with my imperfect, perfect day. Happy Halloween everybody!! I thank my recovery and my Higher Power for helping me to make lemonade out of my lemony day. I made that up myself, my own little happy inspiration for this blog.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Road Trip Blues

Ever wonder how to take a road trip, with kids, I mean little kids, I mean kids that are 1 and 2 years old that is the equivalent of fun? I don't think it is possible. I do not have a portable DVD player, nor do I feel they would succumb to bribery, they do not understand the concept of money. I love them very much so much that it hurts. In fact a lot of my recovery is based on the fact that the changes I am making in my life today make me a better mother. I don't yell and cuss them because they are being themselves. I am very understanding, why just the other day my sponsor was over here and said I have the patience of a saint. Most people would run screaming out the door if they had the willful 2 year old I deal with on a daily basis. I am learning to embrace them so well today and that makes me proud as a mother. So please do not think that I am ungrateful or do not appreciate my babies, I am just trying to process a road trip and how I can do better next time, yes there will be a next time. We scheduled a trip to Topeka which is about 3 hours away from Wichita, if you are an adult with no children, and about 5 hours with frequent stops to try to stop the screaming. No I was not the one screaming, in my head maybe, but imagine a beautiful 2 and a half year old baby girl with beautiful golden locks of hair and did I mention the curls, she has a head full of little tornadoes and she is as wild as her hair! Next imagine a beautiful brown eyed 1 and a half year old with thin brown hair and a calm little crooked smile and a beautiful gaze staring up at you. So sweet the little angels are when they are calm. Now do you remember the attack on Pearl Harbor? Do you remember the way Mount St. Helen's blew her top? Put those two events together in the back of a Dodge pick up truck and you can sort of get the gist of our trip yesterday. The Serenity Prayer only works for so long, then I recall at some point looking over at the love of my life and telling him how "this looked good on paper, now what?!" I do not remember praying for patience so I do not know why mine was tested so much yesterday but what I do know is that we managed to make it home with all the kids still alive and no road rage, however we missed our function as they would not cooperate to sit at it and it almost felt like we wasted 2 tanks of gas. I mean it was an awful long way to drive just for a hamburger. I wish he would have listened to me and left me and the kids at home yesterday so at least one of us could have stayed for the speaker meeting. Next time I will definitely put my foot down and say no we will stay here and you go enjoy yourself dear. We made it to Topeka around 12:30 in the afternoon and dropped off some Halloween t-shirts to the area activities chair there then went to the Baldwin city shindig, we didn't get there until 3:pm and I had no idea this was an outside event. Mind you this is the middle of October in Kansas and the wind was gusting at 40 miles per hour. To those of you with out children this is where when the wind comes and blows real hard you grab the kids before they get blown into the lake!! We managed to be able to eat a couple of burgers but the girls, who were just happy to be out of the restraints of the car seats suddenly had red faces with lots of snot running down them, of course we had no mittens or heavy coats as I stated before we got there I had no idea we were going to be outside, not only outside but outside with no facilities. My 14 year old wouldn't come out of the truck because she had to pee. I told her we would have to find a tree to squat somewhere and she said she wasn't going to do it. After promising to pee with her I finally got her out and led her into the forest. It was there that I learned 2 things, one: my daughter doesn't know how to squat, and two: she told me "I hate you guys." Of course the second part she said through laughter as I was holding her hand so she could balance while peeing enough to fill the darn lake!! The members were wonderful of course and very gracious and I really wanted to stay and hear my friend share his story but the kids were just too cold to sit out in the weather, not that they were sitting. Wes was sitting and enjoying the meeting while I was running around corralling the children, so of course I wasn't cold. I know that we really just need to wait until they are a little bit older but we really miss a lot of the fellowship when we don't go to events. So I will call my sponsor now, do some step work and get ready for tonight's meeting. My morning meditation is as follows: "Today I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The universe, my Higher Power and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking." Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go-pg. 313

Thursday, October 23, 2008

being honest

It is humbling to learn to be honest. I used to think I was always honest when I was using. I never hid the fact that I used, in fact I had absolutely no tact when it came to my honesty. Today I know a lot of that was a way to just lie to myself. I always believed that I was better with my dope than with out. I digress though I really need to talk about being honest today, and that means also being honest with myself. I notice it is easier to see it in others than myself. I have a freind who is so in denial of all of her problems that all she does is create chaos in her life today. And she has more time in the program than me. So am I headed for denial. How do I keep myself from returning to the same old addict behavior without the dope. How can I be sure that I will not end up so close to a relapse? I mean it is so frustrating to see someone you love deteriorate so much and be so powerless to do anything about it. So tonight I got upset and I acted out on some character defects that I have been working on. I was upset because we are so low on groceries and the budget is so tight. We only have so much time to go to the store and we had to wait for my oldest daughter to get done with her drill meet before we could go. Well the darn thing should have been done at 7 but it wasn't over until 8. I was so upset and I didn't want to be manipulative, you know doing something to get my way. When asked what was wrong I wouldn't answer I was so mad about not having any food in the house I was ready to martyr myself and my girls just by not saying what we needed. After I calmed down we did end up going to the store to get some items until this weekend. So how do I learn from this and not end up creating chaos in my life today? What do I need to continue on my journey of recovery to where I don't end up like my friend who is always in a state of chaos. How funny that this is going to be my meditation for today, it is also out of the daily meditation book "Just for Today": I will try not to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life. Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Powers care. October 23

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My new beginning

Today is Tuesday and this is my first time posting a blog. I hope I am doing this right. You know some of the thoughts that run through my head just sometimes clutter up my day so I have to get them out. This is how I work my Program. Just a little background on me I am a grateful recovering addict and I belong to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I am very proud of my life today and the way I choose to live. Sometimes I feel life is a wonderful gift and that I need to live everyday in the now. That is why they call it the present, because it is a gift. There are so many times when life just gets me down and my faith in a higher power begins to wain. We all get like this but because of my addiction I take it to another level, a dark one that tells me life is not worth living. I really hate it when I am in those bad spaces luckily for me I have a program that helps me to stay out of those spaces, I go to meetings, share openly and honestly, I call my sponsor and I do step work. Because of the work that I do on myself I have become a better person with a great outlook on life and I just wanted to give you a little insight as to where my thoughts come from. I like to begin each day with a meditation so here is today's: "It is Hope that gives life meaning, and hope is based on the prospect of being able one day to turn the actual world into a possible one that looks better"- Francois Jacob ( this was in the Oprah mission Calendar Inspiration)