Dealing with the Past Continued

You know it is so hard when feelings from the past show up knocking at your door unannounced. I didn't even know what hit me, it didn't even occur to me that I was in "Fight or Flee" mode until I was sitting there at 2 in the morning fighting with the love of my life. All day long he kept telling me I was out of sorts and I didn't believe him. Looking back on 2 days ago i can see I was ready to leave, just leave. I was outside at two in the morning in 10 degree weather without any shoes on and I would have left if his truck wasn't parked behind my van. We sat there and argued until we cried. I felt like I was so worthless all over again. I was dragging stuff into the argument that came way out of left field, like if it wasn't for me and my kids Wes could afford the expensive couch that he deserved. He said he would rather sit on bean bags with me then an expensive couch alone. He kept trying to tell me he wasn't Captain Stupid as I like to refer to A's father and all I could see was another freaking control freak who had to have things his way.
I am so glad that those horrible feelings from 12 years ago are gone. Today I don't feel like such a victim. It was just a stupid letter. A stupid misspelled letter that some idiot got lucky with an address. He doesn't have my real address and even if he did come out here, I would have him arrested on the spot.
Yesterday I was in a real deep depression over the whole thing, having nightmares about him coming and killing my family. I think it is safe to say that I hate him. I don't like to use the word hate but in this case I will. So I know my next step is to pray for him. I always thought deep down inside that maybe he was only as sick as our relationship and that he probably really would grow up and want to know about his daughter. I really thought that the letter would say something like "how is she doing" or "I really miss my little girl" something. But the colossal prick only asked for me to "fore give" him and give him another chance.
I am still in awe at the sheer audacity of his letter asking for us to have another chance. 12 years and he thinks I would go back to that hell. I guess for him it wasn't pure hell to be angry all the time at me and to spend his days finding fault with everything I did. It was hell on the receiving end let me tell you, and today I am making a resolution to not be a VICTIM any more. He will no longer victimize me nor will I ever allow him to come near me or my family. Happy New Years to all my fellow bloggers and good tidings to you and yours, I am looking forward to reading some great tales of life this next year, today's thought; "Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
--William James

Dealing with the Past

"There are two ways of meeting difficulties; you alter the difficulties, or you alter yourself to meet them."-Phyllis Bottome
There is something puzzling me about this quote and I can't quite put my finger on it. I have had a slap of reality this weekend. To give you some background, my oldest daughter, Adrianna is 15 and we haven't heard from her real father in 12 years. When I was with him he was extremely abusive. I have osteoarthritis in my back due to him hitting me with a baseball bat for trying to keep him from killing my daughters puppy. He had already pulled her little teeth out and I didn't want him to hurt her anymore so I hit him in the back of the head to get him to stop. He wouldn't listen to my screams. He turned around and punched me square in the jaw and I remember him throwing me on the bed and not much more after that. I was on the bed for the next couple of days because I couldn't move. This type of abuse seems extreme when I look back on it but it was a constant daily routine for 5 years of my life. This man was very brutal and I was lucky to get me and my daughter out alive. When the whole thing was done I had moved here to Kansas and had a restraining order on him, he decided to sign away his parental rights so that he would not be financially responsible for her and left about 6 months later, as far as I know to Washington state where I had met him. Lately I have been dealing with my daughters teenage angst and her resentments toward my past using and my mother dying. OK so she is mad at me for Mom dying and has enough on her plate, I already have two strikes against me with my past using and my not being my Mom or being able to cure cancer, whatever. Well we had a wonderful Christmas and as I said before it was very magical, recently Adrianna has been asking about her father, if we could send him a letter you know she wants to know who he is, and I never told her how bad he was or talked bad about him in front of her. I didn't want her to think she was a mistake from my past. I even have a couple of pictures of her with him in the park when she was little and they are very sweet, I wanted her to have good memories of him. Well maybe that was a bad idea. On the Friday following Christmas, my sister and her family brought over some presents for our gift exchange and she said she had found something special for me that she was going to bring. It was Adrianna's old baby book and I had actually filled it out real good, her father even wrote in it. This book had her captivated for most of the visit, about 30 minutes she was just reading about herself and it was cool. On Saturday I was going to the store with her when my sister called my cell phone so I asked Adrianna to answer the phone while I was driving, she gave me the phone, it was my sister and she was frantic so I asked her what was wrong. She is very loud on the phone and doesn't know it she says how long has it been since you heard from Adrianna's father? I said I don't know about 12 years why, well he sent a letter. So I said I can't deal with it now I have a dance to go to. We can look at it tomorrow, she was coming over for Haley's 3rd birthday. Well she came over and gave me the letter, I didn't show Adrianna because I needed to look at it first, call my sponsor, soak it all in and then I was going to take it to her counselor so we could read it together. I didn't realize that she knew about the letter. When we were all here talking she just took off to her room crying. So I went to ask her what was wrong and she said I know my Dad wrote me a letter. No he wrote me a letter but it was none of her business at that point and I told her that it was for me to deal with and she was not going to make me give it to her with emotional blackmail. She just asked what did it say and I told her no. I was very angry and I left the room. "you alter yourself or alter the difficulty" you know I still don't quite understand the quote. You know how do I proceed, first let me tell you about the letter. It had nothing to do with Adrianna, the son of a bitch didn't even mention her. It said something like " I am writeing this letter in hopes of finding someone I losset a long time ago." Yes he spelled those simple words wrong, this is Captain Stupid we are talking about here and it went on to say "please fore give me I will do everything in my power to make it up to you just give me another chance. Please give me another chance." And he left his address to write him back. After 12 years and this is the best he can do!!! Now let's first deal with my girl, we went to the counselor yesterday and I brought the letter. I had cut out the address on the envelope and in the letter. Then I asked to speak to the counselor first. I spent 30 minutes of her hour in there giving a brief synapsis of my relationship with him to the counselor and gave her the letter to read. Needless to say I was a blubbering puddle of goo by the time I was done trying to explain this to her. She told me I was suffering from a classic case of PTSD I did not understand what she was talking about is has been 12 years for christ sake. So I told her I needed to let Adrianna read the letter because I am really working on repairing my relationship with her and we have a trust issue. She doesn't trust me. I knew she had built up this wonderful picture of her father and was obssessed with knowing what was in the letter. I didn't want to hurt her but I knew if I didn't show her the letter she would not believe me if I just told her it wasn't about her so we called her in and she read the letter. Needless to say she was less than pleased, she sat there crying and told the doctor that she has wanted him all this time and all he wants is me, I took away his baby from him and he still wants me. So this is all still fresh and raw and she has not spoken a word to me since Sunday. The counselor is meeting with her next week and told her to write her father a letter and they would go over it because this was not something she was just going to stuff for the next 15 years we were going to deal with it. There's a lot more to this but I think I need to process for a minute I will pray and call my sponsor this will be continued... thanks for reading

Sponsorship

You know I have a great sponsor today. And I don't call her enough. I first got a sponsor back in 2005 when I first got clean and I thought "wow, this is great this person is awesome and she will be my sponsor forever." And I called her everyday and I did everything she told me to do and I believed what she said and did was so great. She was an NA god to me!!! I remember going to meetings and listening to members share how they have a sponsor but don't use them and I thought, "Well that's stupid" and I thought I had the best sponsor in the world, then I worked some steps and started to think a little clearer, then I started making some decisions, like the kind to go out with someone. And when my sponsor didn't approve I was in trouble. I didn't know what co- dependency was until I came into the program of Narcotics Anonymous and learned. Lessons aren't always easy and I usually don't like learning, because I don't want to learn, I want to know. I am an addict and we want what we want when we want it, or so the saying goes. Well when I fired my first sponsor I found myself right there with all the other members who talked about having a sponsor and not using them. I asked women to be my sponsor and never called them. I agreed to meet with them and then wouldn't go. I must have asked 4 women to sponsor me then finally I got my "real" 2nd sponsor. She lived about an hour away from me but she was magic. Like when I was having an issue and be all upset about anything I would call her and she would bring me right back into reality. Just like magic. Then came the day when she told me I needed a different sponsor. She said honey, your problem is you have to work some steps and we have very conflicting schedules so you need to find someone in town who you can work the steps with. I wasn't so much devastated, but I was a little hurt because I knew she was right. And I knew women in town I just didn't want to ask them. I finally did and that is the sponsor I have today. We still have conflicting schedules but she is a real great listener. And I am lucky to have her. you know I had not called her in over a week until today. I was going to see about getting together with her this week to go over my sixth step but she is going out of town. A close family member is gravely ill, and I had not spoken with her in over a week. I think about how self centered this disease is and it makes me angry. I didn't even call her on Christmas, I am a terrible sponsee!! Sometimes I am just so full of shit that I amaze myself. So just remember to pick up that phone and call someone, it's not all about you today. Someone you know is missing you right now and you don't even know it. So my prayer to myself today will be from the NA daily meditation book; Just for today: I have found a new way to live. Today, I will seek to serve others with love and to love myself.

Merry Christmas

You know I was up until 1 in the morning wrapping presents. I had also wrapped some before last night, the kids got a lot of loot this year. All the work of wrapping was gone in less than 30 minutes!! Yes I am shocked but I am so happy. My little digital camera has a little video recorder on it and while it is no camcorder it did the job. I really love watching the girls get their presents and the happiness it fills my heart with makes me brim with tears. I never had that before, you know the total appreciation of watching my little girls open their presents and the magic of Christmas unfold in their little eyes. The excitement, the giggles, the screams of joy it was so much fun. Even my honey was floored by his gifts, and me well I got what I wanted even if there were no presents for me, the gift of being able to see them open those presents over and over is just priceless. I am so thankful today and I am full of gratitude and I love my family so much. I have on my wall, a picture taken when I was about 7 years old. It was a picture of my entire family, Mom, Dad, Jimmy(my older brother), Candy(my crazy older sister), Larry(my baby brother in jail)and the baby Mickey, she really was a little baby at the time and Grandma and Grandpa. That is the only known family picture in existence. It is also the only picture I ever took with my father. Something like that is worthless to most people because it is not their family. It didn't mean much to me either, until I lost Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Dad, and my little brother went to prison. I haven't seen my little sister in 6 years, the summer before this last one was the first time I saw my older brother in 12 years and today I take pictures. I want my memories to last longer than me. I want to remember the feelings of Christmas when they are good I don't want to lose the good feelings that the holidays are all about. I regret not taking pictures with my father. Something inside thought that he would be here forever and I took life for granted. Today I feel my mortality and I know that right now my little girls are still so very innocent. They don't know about hard times, times without a Dad or Mom, times when money is tight and mostly they don't have memories of Mommy getting high. I want to remember that innocence, and I want them to remember a "Santa Claus" and that life has a lot to offer. Life is so precious today, to me and I don't want to forget this feeling so I am grateful for the camera that gives me the opportunity to relive the feelings. If you don't have one do yourself a favor and go get a Cannon digital camera, it is the Powershot not the expensive one and it really takes great memories. And if you are one of those people with a fear of taking pictures, get over it! Life is short and you don't know when the day will come when you wish you could remember something special, if you don't want to do it for you, do it for your family, they will thank you later. I never really understood the meaning of the holiday season, maybe I didn't want to, today I still don't like to see my pictures but I do it any way. And I take my camera with me everywhere. I take so many pictures and sometimes I take the time to video my memories. That is change and growth for me, I appreciate my family and I take the pictures to remember that I appreciate them, I am grateful for my recovery today because it gives me the chance to appreciate life and that is change in me today;"I thought I could change the world. It took me a hundred years to figure out I can't change the world. I can only change Bessie. And honey, that ain't easy either."
--Bessie Delany

Well it has been such a busy week and I haven't posted a blog in over a week!! There is so much that needs to be said and so much to do it is overwhelming. First off, my honey is home for the holidays so it is hard to steal time away from him to get on the computer, I know we need another one. Then he got a bonus at work so he said we should get a new sofa with it, the one we currently has "eats" everyone who sits on it! There is a huge tear in the deck and the springs are broken so it does not sit well. Sounds great right, WRONG. First he only bought the couch 6 years ago and expected to have the thing for about 20 years after paying $1000.00. The problem we found out after extensive comparative shopping for the last 5 days was that the construction on a couch that costs $1000.00 is no different then a couch that costs $400.00. We did look up what to look for in a couch and the tips said kiln dried hard wood frames at least an inch and a half thick, test the fabric by pulling on it, the fabric should be strong and hold tight, put your knees into the cushion of the couch check for sagging, and there was a certain way to the springs so they don't sag and they should be a certain amount apart. I won't name names on the bad, they are all cheaply made today, but I will say you get a lot of static electricity climbing on showroom furniture. I had all the sales people looking at me like I was crazy, while I was jumping on furniture, pulling at fabric, taking off cushions and feeling the frames my hair kept flying around from the static. My honey talked to the sales people while I did the fun stuff. Then we go into this one really nice commercial showroom and the lady there was so frazzled, she really was working on a commission with the wrong customers!! She tried to sell us a $700.00 couch that the construction was the same as the cheaper places and then try to say it was "layered hardwood frames" and I said oh you mean "plywood" and she said no it is not plywood it is "hardwood, layered with laminate. and I said yeah, plywood. The real deal breaker, well when she finally gave up trying to sell to us was when she came out of her office with the paperwork on the constuction of the couch she was trying to sell us. The name of the manufacturer was Allen White, when we had gotten there we told her our woes of our couch and the cost not giving it value, when she showed us the paper we said oh, that's the couch we own now!! I will say we went into a specialty shop with very expensive furniture and it actually had thick kiln dried wood, everything we were looking for in construction and the cost was $3000.00 on the low end. We went to every single furniture store in town. I feel I have wasted so much time because here we are still with the broken furniture. You know my honey does not like to make money decisions quickly and I understand that I very much appreciate it. However, after exhausting all our options he still does not want to buy the low end furniture with the extended store warranty. Well we cannot afford the good furniture, no one in our neighborhood can. I don't even own a MAC, I'm a PC girl. I have an 8 year old van I have never bought a new car, never. It is not beneath me to purchase a $600 sofa and love seat over just a $600 sofa with no love seat not to mention the $3000.00 sofa. Really folks I gave up, I thought when he said new couch that we would have it by Christmas, but we may never have it, and I am OK with that. My Christmas will be here tomorrow and I am so excited!!! I have been baking tons of goodies and my crazy sister and her family might come over tomorrow. Her husband doesn't like to come over so I told her we could do our gift exchange after Christmas since Thanksgiving was not so great. She was horrible because of her husband not coming so I just said that we were going to have a small family Christmas and she was good with that. Well let me tell you, reverse psychology does work, because she called today saying her husband wanted to come over tomorrow!! Huh, well if they come over cool, if not, oh well and that is the power of recovery today. Because her chaos is not mine. I love the holidays, yes I miss my Mom and Dad, and I miss my brother, but the magic of kids is irreplaceable. They are so into the Christmas spirit that they are making gifts and decorating cookies for Santa Claus!! And when they are older, we are going to start some community service efforts for the needy as part of the Christmas tradition. I feel it will help to teach them gratitude and the true meaning of giving back. You knowI have been so busy that some things on my list of "to do's" have simply not gotten done, I completely missed the convention committee meeting because I got the flu so bad last week. And I have not been bothered by my own self will. I have gotten some more work done on my 6th Step and I got the deep cleaning done in my house and you know I am ok today. I do apologize for not reading everyone's blogs, my honey is out today doing last minute shopping so I am taking this time to wish all my bloggers a very Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays to you and yours and may you find time for your moment each day to pause and be thankful. Todays thought; "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life
would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles
were my life." --Alfred D'Souza

Step Work

So I decide to pick up my step working guide and get back on track with my 6th step, nothing like my clean time buddy to light a fire under my butt. She tells me that she is going to get her 6th step done before her 4 year clean date. We celebrate the same month the same amount of clean time. So of course I need to get mine done, no ego working there, anyway I pick up where I left off thinking I'm going to write about procrastination, and guess where I left off? Resentments. huh. Well no wonder I put the pen down. I thought I got past that really I did so here I am trying to figure out what it is about resentments that I can't let go of. Then I think about the resentments I have from the past. What I came up with was "Justice". You know there are so many triggers for me that are probably unresolved and they still cause me to carry resentments today. You know like in service I had someone say in the middle of a service meeting that there was no involvement because I was there. If I was not there people would be involved. This was almost a year ago and I am still hurt by it. I can go to do service and carry on like it doesn't bother me but inside it still does. Why, I don't know, well maybe I do. There were times in my past where I was wronged or victimized and never given justice. When someone today says something to me that I feel is wrong, and when my addict says to me that nobody is going to do anything about it, because they don't, then it triggers those emotions from the past. The ones that said I did deserve the bad things to happen to me, and that I was a piece of garbage. The ones where all I new was to feel bad about myself. When I was young I didn't have the tools of recovery to know that I didn't have to feel that way. And I still have unresolved issues from the past that continue to haunt me today. Well hopefully I can finish putting this into words so my sponsor and I can go over them. Does this mean that since I have an awareness of why I become resentful that maybe I can disconnect the two feelings. Can I continue with my step work unsure of my feelings that all is well or that I will be able to one day let go of resentments that have haunted me my entire life? Today's thought;Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.—Herbert Otto

Not sure what to think

Got my service commitments done. I wanted to do some stepwork but haven't done that yet. I think I will do some during nap time. My oldest is going to counseling tomorrow night and I am grateful for that. Sometimes I feel like her counselor thinks I must be the worst person in the world. I really just need to let that dog rest. I feel a little different today. With out so many commitments to fill I have just me here and I am not sure what to think of that. So I will definitely be looking forward to tonights meeting. to survive the -3 degree weather I am making cowboy beans and cornbread. Keepin it cheap and simple. I do like to try new things and I have this wonderful recipe for cornbread, I used to just use jiffy cause mom never made good cornbread. But I have this recipe with honey and yummy. So I am going to eat my beans and cornbread and go to my meeting and try to not fall asleep.

When will she let go

I just had a heart to heart with my daughter. A few weeks ago she was in trouble for slapping her stepfather in the face, during that fight she informed us that she was smoking and that she never quit smoking. Yeah I was pretty hot, now fast forward to today and Wes saw a girlfriend of hers out on the street and she was smoking. This girl takes the same bus Adrianna does to school in the morning. So it was bothering him but he didn't say anything then tonight we have a discussion about drivers ed. She was asked at school today if she wanted to take drivers ed next semester and if she did she would have to drop a class. She chose instead to wait until her sophomore year and I didn't know why she did this. So when we brought the subject up tonight Wes asked if I remembered what we had discussed at the beginning of the school year about drivers ed. Of course I said no I have slept since then. I mean man she had already decided not to do this so why drill her about responsibility. Anyway the subject went into left field and we were then asking her when and who did she smoke with. And she said I haven't smoked in a long time. Wes said that is not what I asked you. Then I asked her if she got cigarettes from her bus stop friend and she said, I don't trust her smokes they look weird. Still avoiding the answer. This went on for a few minutes and I said look we didn't start this conversation to drill her about smoking and Wes said he just wanted to know if she could or would be honest when asked a question. I had told her to bring this conversation up to her counselor when they meet next week because she was upset. This isn't even the heart to heart, I'm getting to that. I mean AAAAAAGGGUHHU why did I ever get high!!!! So where was I, oh, yeah, so she is totally upset and I say to her, Baby are you ok? and she just sits there and I said is there someone you want to talk to? Because I've been here before and she puts this wall up and I know I am not her favorite person at the moment. Then she says she is going to her room to draw. So Wes tells her that she is being rude, that mom is trying to reach out to her and that her response is rude and that even though she is mad at him she is taking it out on me. So she goes in her room crying. So of course I go to check on her because I don't want her to hurt herself and we TALK, I mean she really, really was very open and honest with me for the first time in a very, very long time. And she tells me that when we have these sit downs together it is like Wes and I are both taking turns punching her and taking jabs at her. Wow you all know I start to do the little lip quiver. Then I compose myself and say thank you for your honesty and I will talk with Wes about this because that is so not our intention and I know that she believes me. I still had to tell her though that when she tries to just ask one of us without both of us it was manipulation. Because it is she tries to see who is in a better mood or something and ask for things at the right time, she's a teen, I am not a perfect parent, we are both learning. Then she really starts to TALK, did you think I was done, no I need to get this out and it is too late for a meeting. She tells me that she doesn't trust me and she is just waiting for me to leave. Or throw her out. She doesn't like it here and when the counselor asked me about sending her to the childrens home for 3 days it was at Adrianna's request and I didn't know that. I said No no wait more like HELL NO. I was asking if there was a treatment type place for her because she was having thoughts of harming herself and when I am around she won't talk. I was not trying to put her in a childrens home, I am not going to throw my baby away and I am not going to let her run away. However, now that I am enlightened...AAAAUUGGGHHHHH........
You know these emotions that we have to feel are pretty potent. How do I apologise for being so bad to her. How do I help her let go of the past. Does she really need to be away from me to heal. I don't even yell at her. I cried, and I told her that I knew she hated Wes, and that it kills her to see me be a good mom to my little ones when I wasn't there for her. I know the damage I did to her when she spent weeks on end wondering why did I not come home. I know the damage because I see it in her beautiful face everyday when she comes home from school. She doesn't want to come home, she doesn't want me or our family. Wes thinks that sending her somewhere is wrong because he was sent away by his mom as a teen and even though he said he wanted to go he didn't mean it. He thinks she is pushing me away to hurt me for a payback or something. I am truly powerless. You know I think I will work on my stepwork now, there isn't too much else I can do but relive the pains in this blog and it is already so very long So no meditation or funny thoughts today just, thanks for letting me share and I will keep coming back. And yes I am so gald we had this talk, seriously, I hope she will talk again I hope I didn't say anything that would make her afraid to talk to me again.

'Tis the Season

This is from Shadow,
This is a Pay it Forward Giveaway and I said yes to this and it gives me something to blog about. Thanks Shadow this will be great. I copied the following from her post on 1 Door away from heaven and my gifts for the first three bloggers to say yes will be artwork. i love to photoshop and take a million pictures. So if you read the rest of the way down you will know how to play and how to pay it forward.




in the spirit of the season, LouCeel, over at http://louceel.blogspot.com/ is the host with the most with this fabulous quasi-giveaway. the giveaway part actually comes from you, and you, and you.

the rules, such as they are, are really. quite. simple:

1. be one of the first three bloggers to leave a comment on this post, where the first word in the comment is yes. by saying yes, you signify you want to participate in this giveaway. being one of the first three to say yes will then entitle you to a handmade item from ME! in this case, i’ll be making up a little sa goodie box… surprise! surprise!, for each of the three winners. (i’m a getting a 6x6 painting, framed, by my favourite blog artist)
2. you must post this challenge on your blog, meaning that you then must pay it forward, creating a handmade gift for the first three bloggers (or the first three who say yes) who leave a comment on YOUR post about this giveaway!
3. the gift that you send to your three friends can be from any price range and you have 365 days to make/ship your item. this means you should be willing to maintain your blog at least until you receive your gift and have shipped your gifts. and, remember: it’s the spirit and the thought that counts!
4. when you receive your gift, please feel free to blog about it, sharing appropriate Linky Love!
5. if you are not one of the top three commentors on today’s post, you’re still a winner in this time of grace and giving. please take this symbol of the seasonal spirit and post it on your blog; start your own pay it forward chain, and encourage your bloggy friends to do the same!

louceel had the wisdom to alter the rules a teensy tiny bit, and i’m going with that change.

new rule (1) instead of the first three commentors winning, the first 3 yes comments will be the winners, because not everyone has the capacity, talent or desire to create a handmade gift. so, no pressure on ANYBODY to participate should they not feel the urge.

new rule (2) i’m not a crafty kinda person, so i’ll be making up a little goodie box with typically sa stuff. hand-made it won’t be, and you should be grateful for that!!!

so, who wants one???

Beyond my Wildest Dreams

Well I have spent most of today working on my new service position. I have mentioned before that I am very involved in service work and today I was working on our regional newsletter. It is called the MAN. It stands for Mid America Newsletter and it has been in print since 1983. I am very excited and well I wouldn't say humbled but fear would be a better word for it. I am fearful of not having the skills to do this work. It is an established newsletter and the only work I really need to do is put the submissions into the template, make a word search and send it off to print. I have never ever done anything like this before in my life. EVER. Everything I ever learned on computers I learned while in recovery. No kidding. So it is really amazing how far I have come, I remember when I was about 28 and I had decided to go to college. I took an entry level computer class it was called accounting 260. I thought accounting was for taxes?! Anyway this class really really broke it down to the very, very basics, like what is the first thing you need to have internet, I didn't know, what an ISP was. It discussed the motherboard, and hardware and there were simple little tutorials that were extremely difficult for me. I remember at the beginning of the class the teacher had everybody take this test to see how much we knew about the course. Every kid in there was done in no time, and I mean kid they were all 17 and 18 I was at least 10 years older then them. I scored a 16 on the test. Just before the end of the semester we took the same test and I scored like a 68. I was so proud of how much I had learned but the teacher he told me to drop the class so I wouldn't hurt my grade point average. I was failing. So fast forward to today and here we are I am doing photoshop and graphic designs learning so much more than I ever dreamed possible on computers. All that I have learned has only been capable because of this program I am even blogging!! Most people I know don't even know what that is!! I do worry though that I will not be good enough to do this job. I pulled up the InDesign program and the newsletter template is there so I put in the submissions I had and that leaves me with 4 pages of blank space that needs to be filled. My old editor told me to go through the archives and do a "best of" series as fill in for the rest. Then he and his wife will come out on Saturday and they will show me how to get it to the printers. I guess my addict is really trying to kick my butt and bring me down telling me that nobody will like it. I really appreciate having this place to work out my thoughts. It is snowing today and I doubt I will make it to a meeting tonight. This is very helpful. I appreciate all the comments everybody gives me and if you want to read my latest project, it will be posted after this weekend on our regional website www.marscna.net there are archives of all the past issues and there are also event flyers and meeting schedules for anybody who may be visiting the area. So again I will put this in my "god box" and leave you with this prayer:Just for today: I will open my eyes to the possibilities before me. My potential is as limitless and as powerful as the God of my understanding. Today, I will act on that potential. -Just for Today meditation for December 3.

oops, I spelled Pausch wrong!

The cards we are dealt

Here's the rules:
List 10 honest things about myself
Pass the award on to 7 bloggers
10 random honest things about ME and it is all about ME:OK this is from Fireman John, here goes:
1. My clean date is January 8th, 2005 (Elvis's birthday!!)
2. I love learning to work in photoshop.
3. I am only on my first go round of the steps and I am on step 6.
4. I have extreme stage fright so I have only shared my whole story twice since I've been clean.
5. I have trouble placing principles before personalities when mean people are around me.
6. I have had mean people break my anonymity and I still share intimately at every meeting I attend.
7. I have pride in my work I do for Narcotics Anonymous and it scares me that it is ego based.
8. I am procrastinating doing stepwork right now.
9. I really love my children and I am proud of learning to be a great parent through the work I am doing in my recovery.
10. I love the friendships I have made in this program. I am not afraid to make friends and be myself anymore. I have friends all over the world today thanks to my program.
Fireman John sent this to me and I am supposed to pass this on to 7 more bloggers, I didn't know this would be the topic of my next blog so I am not sure how to pass it on, you all have way cooler blog sights than I do because I don't even know how to load up cool pictures and stuff but I am learning. I hope to get this out to some of you who inspire me to keep going. Thank you to everyone who takes precious time out of your day to read my thoughts. Hopefully I will get this passed out to some of you. Thanks John for making this blog easier for me to write tonight. I will quote one of the people who inspire me most today; "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."- the late, great, Professor Randy Pauch- John, I hope I played well.

No More Denial Blankets

You know it is so tough not being oblivious to life. "Ignorance is bliss" and the truth will set you free after it pisses you off. My teenager is back to her old tricks with a few new ones to boot. The old ones I can deal with fine, supervised computers and phones. This new one is so hard. She is an honors student taking honors English and I spoke with her teacher about her having problems with reading the book "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. I thought it would be cheating to read with her and explain what she was reading. The teacher said that was what she needs. So I have been helping her with this insane book report and she has been working her tail off for 2 months now. We just checked her email and this assignment is due on Monday and she emailed it to her freind and told her freind to change the words so they don't get caught cheating. This is a HUGE problem for me. I have spent evenings with her helping her get this work done. She signed a plagiarism contract at the beginning of the school year. The teacher will know when they have the exact same chapter quotations in their paper. The teacher knows how hard Adrianna has been working on this. I cried when I told her this because it hurts so much but I told her that if she doesn't call this kid and tell her not to use her paper that I was going to the school on Monday and turning them in and there goes her scholarship. I cannot allow this, I even asked her if she was getting paid and she said no so is it really worth it?! I know what happens to kids who don't have consequences from their parents and I don't want that for her. She is smart and deserves more out of life. And then there is the guilt in me, she is the child who survived my addiction and now has to deal with me as a parent and I just want to give her everything her heart desires and it is so hard not to. Especially when I can give her what she wants and instead I make her earn it. It is so much easier to cave and give in. I am used to that I know how to do that. I am learning to stick to my guns. And this too shall pass. So for today my mediation will be;
"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."--Raymond Lindquist

Family & Holidays

I am so happy about the holidays, and I am so sad at the same time. Last year was Mom's last Christmas. It was such a difficult time dealing with the cancer and all her other medical conditions Gillian was just a year old, Haley was 2 and Adrianna was still in denial of grandma's condition. Then there was Wes, he was so wonderful to have us all live here and take mom in like he did. It was sooo cramped in this little house but there was a lot of love. For Christmas last year my sister, her 4 kids and my little brother were all here to be with mom. My brother and sister were not here much except on special occasions. I took care of mom and I was able to do so gracefully through going to meetings on a nightly basis and crying my eyes out for a whole year. I owe so much to this program and I am so grateful for everything I have been blessed with in my life. This year we are not going to have so many people here. Mom is gone and my baby brother is in jail in California. I don't even know what for. What I know is the sheriff's in California, Santa Clara County, are going to throw the book at him. He has AIDS and Hep C along with a miryad of heart conditions as well as seizures. My fear is he will die in prison and I can not protect him. I called my Uncle when they extradited him in November and have not heard exactly how long they will keep him, why they have him, or if they will give him medical attention. I had a dream last week that I got a call from California that my brother had passed away in prison. So I need to call my Uncle to aleviate my fears, I have been procrastinating calling him because I don't know what I will hear on the other side. One of my "denial blankets" is if I don't know then it is not real. I know I am powerless and I cannot live in fear. I am so happy with my life today. One of my other character defects, guilt, is telling me I don't deserve my life. So to ease my guilt I am writing about my missing brother to tell the whole world I am worried about him and I do think about him. There is just nothing in my power that I can do to help him. His birthday is the same as my middle daughters, December 28th, So I know he will be thinking about us as well. At least he won't be getting drunk, and hopefully he will be safe. I will put this in my "God Box" so I can let it go. As for the rest of my holiday, I am so excited my soon to be 3 year old is really seeing the magic of Christmas and I am so excited to watch her learn about the season. My soon to be 2 year old is getting into the spirit as well and watching their little eyes light up with wonder is just awesome. Bittersweet that my family won't be here for it, but it is so amazing to watch them learn and grow and love. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season. and my thought for today comes from
Oprah's Mission Calendar Inspiration ;
"My Christmas wish is that we will continue to be thoughtful throughout the year."-Patti Labelle

Procrastination

It's been a while since I last blogged. I am feeling very, overwhelmed these days. I think it is a symptom of "procrastinationism".Working on my 6th step and I have been putting it off just to realize that procrastination is one of my big character defects. I guess with all the other defects I am working on so eagerly I really need to check my motives on why this one hasn't really seemed to be such a problem and the only thing I can think of is that it doesn't hurt as much as the other defects. Life has been so wonderfully busy lately as well that I just haven't sat to the computer unless I am doing service work. I have been plucking away at my regional secretary stuff and I handled the merchandise work that got dropped into my lap for our regional convention. I am working on a flier for the adhoc committee I am heading up to update our area policy. I am getting familiar with InDesign for the regional newsletter that I just stepped up to be editor of. My 2 year old is almost potty trained, my knee feels great I returned the pain meds and only took 3 total.My 1 year old will be 2 on the 15th and my 2 year old will be 3 on the 28th, christmas shopping has been going well we are well under budget and after 6 months I am finalyy going to be replacing my counter tops!!! My kitchen has been under construction for 6 months now and all the indecision has been driving me up a friggin wall!! We finally came to a decision that we would replace the entire kitchen and we finally agreed on a contracter and now I am looking at swatches for my kitchen!!! Life has so many blessings and I cannot believe I would risk losing it to procrastination. Right now I have been procrastinating calling my sponsor to cancel tonights meeting with her to go over some of my sixth step because i am going to be picking my countertops!!! Now my daughter is home so I can go and frame a picture for christmas. Today I am full of gratitude and today I will not forget where I came from. Today's meditation;"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough,
and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to
clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger
into a friend."

--Melody Beattie

moving on one day at a time

Well things have settled down around here since we saw the famdamily therapist. We had our first session as a family and I am still trying to process the whole thing. My oldest has been in therapy since March and I felt it hasn't been helping especially with that last episode. But I have to say that the therapists insights were pretty accurate about my girl so I will continue with this form of therapy for a while and if she has another blowout it was recommended to call 911. Personally I feel that I am doing all I can and like I said we have been getting along pretty well. I went to a meeting after therapy and it was about empathy, how appropriate. Today is my honey's bellybutton birthday and I just had orthoscopic knee surgery yesterday. So I am unable to get or do anything for him. My oldest made him a cake for dessert and a quiche for breakfast and has been a huge help with house work and the kids since I am all laid up. I have made sure that I am not taking too many pain pills, I only took 3 yesterday and I haven't had any today, I am testing the pain level to see if I really need a narcotic. Unfortunately they gave me this anti-inflammatory that does not allow me to take ibuprofen or aleve, so I think I will cut the pill in half to help because it really is not that bad but I wish I could take my over the counter meds. I know my pain is not that bad, I am very blessed to have so little pain. This last week I buried myself in service work, I created artwork for our regional convention, ordered pre-registration shirts, got prices for coffee mugs and I am not even on the convention committee. I also got most of the regional minutes done and the newsletter files loaded onto my computer. I just stepped up to be our regional newsletter editor. I tried to get as much stuff done as possible before my surgery so that I could relax only now I am so restless that I may be overdoing it a bit by blogging. I haven't even needed the crutches today and they told me these bandages won't be able to come off until Monday. There is this "Iceman" pack thing in my wrap that has these 4 inch thick tubes that are about a foot long that connect to an ice cooler to keep the swelling down, I turned that off last night, my surgery was yesterday morning, and now I have this blu rubbery footlong tube thing hanging out of my leg that I can't remove until Monday. Am I being impatient, YES, I am an addict and patience is not our strong point. But I am grateful to be feeling better and will be getting back to my computer soon. I need to put my leg up for now.

Life on life's Terms

It has been almost four years since I last used drugs. I am very proud of the recovery and progress I have made in my life. And yet it is still so hard to be powerless. It is still so hard to accept the past when it is staring you square in the face. So how do you get past the past when it takes the form of your fifteen year old daughter? How do you learn to not follow in your parents footsteps. I am not saying my parents were bad parents, I am not angry with them anymore. However, I know now through working the steps that I have worked that they were not always right in the decisions that they made. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws, however some mistakes make wounds that are harder to heal then others. Some mistakes are recurring mistakes past on from generation to generation. How do you change the direction of the future if you are powerless. What I mean is my daughter is very, very emotional right now. She is full of pent up rage, sadness,abandonment and is lashing out these days in ways I had done when I was her age. My fear is that she is going to choose the same path in life as I did and I am powerless to stop that. When my mother died she lost her safety net, she has not dealt with that yet. I have been working hard on my recovery to show her I am not running again and I do have empathy with her feelings of anger at me. This weekend we had a confrontation with her that ended in her slapping her stepfather in the face knocking his glasses off and breaking them. If that wasn't the biggest shocker his response to her after sending her to her room was to go in there and hug her and tell her that we love her. He kept asking her why was she doing this, and didn't she know we are not her enemy? They both sat there and cried. Then she came out to me to apologize and cry. It is like she has not allowed herself time to grieve my mother and she is letting it all come out sideways. The problem is that I was so angry with her that I wanted to kick her spoiled little butt. My mother and older sister were like this and one ugly night they ended up on the floor of the dining room beating each other up. My sister got the worst of it but I felt my moms anger that night and I still feel it now. So how do I not do what my mother did and kick her out, how do I not be angry with her. I am tired of trying with her. Nothing I do will change the past or her mind and in the meantime I have two little girls who need me now too and what's more is they want me. I'm struggling with this because I love my baby very very much and I feel like these lies and this stand off is her way of pushing me so far away because she hates me. If I follow my mothers footsteps I will kick her out of the house, if I follow my fathers I will co-sign her bad behavior and pretend it didn't happen and give her back her freedoms. Where is my middle ground. How do I look my daughter in the face and not be angry with her. I will pray for my higher power to save me from my anger for now. I have feelings today, some good and some not so good but they are all feelings today. I will not run from my feelings today I will work them out. This is my life on life's terms and I have faith that it will be OK. That will leave me with today's thought "Caring about others, running the risk of feeling, and leaving an impact on people brings happiness."--Rabbi Harold Kushner

Remembering the Past and my Mom

"Letting go", was the title of today's meditation from my literature. It was 10 months ago today my mother died. It was 5 years ago today that my father died. I was so devastated that I wanted to die. That is when I stuck a needle in my arm. That was the beginning of the end for me. The next year was a flash of nothing but stealing, bad hotel rooms, jails and an overdose in one of those sleazy places that almost killed me. Later, I remember being dope sick and I was very angry at my mother. I had just gotten out of jail and needed a fix. I had just spent the last year away from my family coming and going as I pleased and my baby was so worried that she stayed up all night crying and praying for me and I didn't care. I remember trying to pack everything up in my van and telling my daughter to pack her things we were leaving. I remember her telling me no. She said no mom, I am not going with you, I love you if you want to go then go I will stay here with grandma. I remember I was angry with her for that so I left to go get high, but I had no money. I had been sick for a few days, then I remember when my fingers started hurting. I looked up and my fingers were hurting, there was a policeman fingerprinting me and I told him "You're hurting my fingers." That was the first thing I felt in a while was my fingers. Then I sat in jail for a while longer, and I started to hurt. And I remembered my baby and the words she said to me and I wanted to make it better. So I decided that I was done using and I was going to go home and fix what was broken. I found out I couldn't do it alone. I tried for four months and I was having horrible fits of rage and I just couldn't function. I remember beating the tiles on the bathroom floor for hours I still have callouses on my knuckles from it. I left my house and wandered the streets all night that night. I wanted to do something to get me thrown in jail with the rest of the garbage because I was worthless. I remember going to the hospital where the waiting room is for people who have babies, it was warm and they had free coffee. I called my mom in the morning and she asked me where was I so I told her. She asked if it would be ok to bring me some sandwiches because I had to be hungry. I told her that would be fine but I was not coming back home. When she got there she asked me to come home. I told her "Why do you want me home? Mom, I can't even think right, I am worthless I stole all your money why do you want me home?" and she told me "Baby, don't you know how proud of you I am, I love you, you stopped all that stuff and you are trying to get better. Please come home. It will be ok." We sat there on the bench and cried together for a while, then I went home and called a treatment facility. My clean date is January 8, 2005 this is my first attempt to stop using and so far the journey has been amazing to say the least. It was not always easy and it won't always be. But today I can handle life and I wake up happy, I am no longer and Eeyore in life. Today I am a Tigger I know how very precious life is and how very lucky I am not to have been inflicted with some life threatening illness. When I first walked in the doors of NA with the gift of Desperation I was sick, sad and sorry. I was afraid of going to the doctors to see what was wrong with me. I just knew I had some kind of tumor or HIV or Hep C. I knew it. As it turns out my tumor was a baby, I was 6 months pregnant. No idea, none. Shortest pregnancy on record I found out I was pregnant on September 9th and my baby was born on December 28th 2005. Then I go and have another baby on December 15th the following year!! They will both be 2 years old for 13 days next month!! I have the ability today to love my life, and my family.I don't yell at my babies and we play so much. I love them so much it hurts and I love them some more still. As I stated earlier my mother died 10 months ago today. She had cancer and I took care of her during that. I am still letting go of her a little everyday and I miss her so very much. I am grateful today for my father dying, though it is bittersweet he was my best freind. I am grateful though because if he had not died I would still be using. I never would have stuck that needle in my arm, I never would have hit my bottom and come into recovery. Because my father died, my mother was able to hold my hand and walk me through my darkest hours. Because my father died I was able to hold my mothers hand as she walked through her darkest hours and for the love we have together through working these steps in recovery, I was able to let go, a little at a time. And for today's meditation, Many of us have said; "Take my will and my life, Guide me in my recovery, and Show me How to live." Just For Today Meditation book for November 15th.

Traditions

One of the things we first learn in the program is the first tradition. We may not fully understand the implications of it at first, but like the literature says, slowly over a period of time, it is still one of those first cliches we hear in the rooms over and over again. Personal recovery depends on NA unity. I always think of this tradition after a weekend of service work. I could not tell you how many hours I log in for service in the fellowship what I can tell you is this is the one thing that has saved my butt many, many times. Service work keeps you in the middle of the fellowship. If you are still unsure of which way you are going to take your recovery, weather more into the program or teetering on the edge of a relapse, I guarantee you that if you are in the middle of the solution it is much harder to fall off the edge. It is so important when working with fellow members that we remember the first tradition and why we are here. This weekend I was so proud of my area service committee for the first time in months we were not just complaining about the lack of participation, we were actually creating solutions for our problems. It was wonderful to see the area members participate in fruitful conversations that not only had solutions but also included newcomers. It was wonderful to get focused on the solution and get our message out there to the still suffering addict. So I thank my H.P. for giving me this gift to blog and get my thoughts all worked out and get my agenda for today going. I thank the support I get from this wonderful fellowship and the beautiful women in my life today that are there on the other end of the phone when I call to complain and for my thought today,"Today, I will focus on asking God to show me what He wants me to do. I will ask God for the power to do that; then I will go ahead and get the job done. God, help me let go of my fears about living one day at a time. Help me trust that when life is lived simply and in trust, a beautiful mosaic called "my life" will be woven. I am being divinely led, guided, and cared for."- Melody Beatty "The Language of Letting Go" pg. 313

Something Different

Today I am going to cook something different. When I was using, I never tried anything different. The Basic Text of NA states that "we had to have something different..." but it is funny to think back at all the not so different things I wasn't open too. When I went out to a restaurant I always had the same thing. My favorite restaurant is Saigon here in Wichita and I always order the #49 with spring rolls. It is so good and why mess with something if it is good. That was how I thought about a lot of things. I was afraid of trying anything new, going places I never had been or even meeting new people. I kept myself very isolated from the world and it kept me safe from harm, but alone. All my recipes that I cooked with I never strayed from. I was afraid of trying out even new spices because if they didn't taste good a whole meal would be wasted. I know some of that comes from my fear of wasting food, and while that is a good fear however, through working the steps today I know that most of that fear was self centered ego. I didn't want to make something that tasted bad. I did not want to be responsible for making something that nobody liked. I did not want to be responsible for making a bad judgment call or even so much as be responsible for making a bad decision on something to eat. Basically I did not want to be responsible, in essence what that did was take away my personal power to be a responsible individual. It is so crazy to hear myself say these things today. Today is so different from then. I take chances and try different things. Sometimes they are good things and sometimes they are bad. I know that everything that I try that is different today is a learning experience, weather it is something that is a good learning experience or bad I learn more and more what I do and do not like. This teaches me more about myself. This is so different from my view of life and myself when I was using and how close minded I was to trying something different just because it may or may not be bad. Today I can take a situation or any experience and use it to learn what I like and what I don't like in everything life has to offer. That is such a gift today, because even when I have bad experiences and especially when those "life on life's terms" come and hit me square in the face I can learn from them. I am so grateful for my recovery today I have a few 24's in my belt today and it is safe to say I still have a lot of learning to do. The difference is that today I am eager to experience all that life has to offer and that is the gift of recovery for me. And in the words of the late great Rosalind Russell "Life's a Banquet, and Most Poor Suckers are Starving To Death!!" From the original movie "Auntie Mame" and for me I am no longer starving to death, so I will go to make some Fried Apples with Cranberries as a side for something different for dinner.

Fear and Worry

Today I paid an old bill. I pulled my credit report last week and sent off for the two other credit agencies that I could not get off line and today I paid off one bill. This puts me closer to my dream of cleaning up my credit. It has taken me almost 4 years in recovery to even look at my own debt. I never in my using days would even attempt to look at this stuff. Guilt and shame kept me from doing the right thing and paying off my debt. Old habits die hard they say and for this little addict it takes an atom bomb to go off in my head to kill some of mine. One of my habits was if I had a couple of bucks I would spend them, it never occurred to me that I had no business spending money when I had old debts to pay. Another habit was and still is lack of commitment. I couldn't commit to payment plans I would start off good then something would come up because of course I would make just enough for my bills but then I would forget about things like gas and groceries or what if my car needed repair, then a payment would not get made, then I would get further and further behind like quicksand. Now I am not blaming my upbringing in anyway I am just stating the facts and that is that I was never taught about things like a budget, or savings and why you should have one. Today I listen to Suze Orman and I can tell you she is one of my hero's in life. This is an amazing woman who really wants to help everyone not just women but everyone have financial freedom. And you know I own a copy of her "9 Steps To Financial Freedom". And her first step that she has and says in her shows every week is to "STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!" I didn't know how to do that, I would stop at the gas station every chance I had, If I had some change and get a pop or a candy bar, you know a couple bucks here and there, they won't pay off a bill anyway. That is the hardest thing for me to do is not to spend money. But I have I have stopped taking every little penny I get and buying junk food and not having anything to show for it but bigger hips, now I still have bigger hips, however I was able to squirrel away almost $700.00 and today I paid off a creditor in the amount of $405.00. I still do not have an income and the little allowance I get I put away as I agreed to and it feels pretty good to have kept my word for once in my life and actually pay a debt with some of my money. Tomorrow I will call one of my other creditors and continue on my journey to financial freedom. One thing I won't do is allow my fear and worry stop me from taking charge of my life. One thing was asked of me and that is to try and negotiate with some of these creditors and make sure that I do owe the money. This gives me great fear, for who am I to ask someone I owe for a discount?!? I mean I know some of the debt is inflated but after all it would not be there at all if I paid it off in the first place now would it, however I agreed to ask to pay less and I agreed to not give out any bank information simply to protect myself. It is mostly fear and my feelings of unworthiness that prevent me from standing up for myself. So today my financial guru will be the meditation fo the day and I leave you with this little gem; "That’s what controlling your financial destiny comes down to: knowing what to do and what not to do— and having the conviction and confidence to go out and do it. Not just think about it. Or intend to do it next week or next month.To actually do it. Right now."
Suze Orman- "Women and Money" pg. 15

Trick or Treat?

Well I guess it is fair to say that Halloween is not for the faint of heart. My what a beautiful warm spring like evening we had though, it is usually blistering cold. Though I had my two little witches dressed warm I was not totally ready for such a hectic event. First I think they were broken, my babies were broken. My usually cute and fun loving duo were just simply not. They cried at everything. Everything, they cried in the car, cried at the mall, cried at the doctor's office, OK so I suppose Halloween is not the day you should schedule a flu shot. So we left the mall before they even started handing out candy because the screaming was bothering the rest of the customers in the mall. The girls must have planned this or something because I felt very, very picked on I couldn't even get a picture with their hats on. They refused to wear their witches hats!! How can I get a good Halloween picture without their hats on!! Then we forgot to get any candy for trick or treaters, we took them to a church carnival and it was absolutely perfect. But it took only about five minutes of our time, so I drove them to a few houses and my oldest decided to come along and take the kids, my sisters two boys as well, to a few houses for some real trick or treating. You know I am so grateful for my program today because I never once yelled at my kids for being fussy, and we enjoyed ourselves when we sat down to dinner and reflected on the difficulties of the day. This is not something that I learned how to do growing up, when I was young my family didn't talk to each other we yelled at each other. It is very hard sometimes to not yell when it comes so naturally. Today was something I am very proud of because instead of ruining the day with a bad attitude I was able to keep my serenity even with missing appointments, and letting the perfect picture get away didn't phase me in the least. My sister would spend the evening crying and blaming her kids for not cooperating to get her a picture. I used to do the same thing. And did I mention that I survived the day with no sleep due to my one year old staying up all night last night!! Poor little thing passed out before we got home and she didn't even budge when I brought her in. We I am wiped out and very happy with my imperfect, perfect day. Happy Halloween everybody!! I thank my recovery and my Higher Power for helping me to make lemonade out of my lemony day. I made that up myself, my own little happy inspiration for this blog.

Road Trip Blues

Ever wonder how to take a road trip, with kids, I mean little kids, I mean kids that are 1 and 2 years old that is the equivalent of fun? I don't think it is possible. I do not have a portable DVD player, nor do I feel they would succumb to bribery, they do not understand the concept of money. I love them very much so much that it hurts. In fact a lot of my recovery is based on the fact that the changes I am making in my life today make me a better mother. I don't yell and cuss them because they are being themselves. I am very understanding, why just the other day my sponsor was over here and said I have the patience of a saint. Most people would run screaming out the door if they had the willful 2 year old I deal with on a daily basis. I am learning to embrace them so well today and that makes me proud as a mother. So please do not think that I am ungrateful or do not appreciate my babies, I am just trying to process a road trip and how I can do better next time, yes there will be a next time. We scheduled a trip to Topeka which is about 3 hours away from Wichita, if you are an adult with no children, and about 5 hours with frequent stops to try to stop the screaming. No I was not the one screaming, in my head maybe, but imagine a beautiful 2 and a half year old baby girl with beautiful golden locks of hair and did I mention the curls, she has a head full of little tornadoes and she is as wild as her hair! Next imagine a beautiful brown eyed 1 and a half year old with thin brown hair and a calm little crooked smile and a beautiful gaze staring up at you. So sweet the little angels are when they are calm. Now do you remember the attack on Pearl Harbor? Do you remember the way Mount St. Helen's blew her top? Put those two events together in the back of a Dodge pick up truck and you can sort of get the gist of our trip yesterday. The Serenity Prayer only works for so long, then I recall at some point looking over at the love of my life and telling him how "this looked good on paper, now what?!" I do not remember praying for patience so I do not know why mine was tested so much yesterday but what I do know is that we managed to make it home with all the kids still alive and no road rage, however we missed our function as they would not cooperate to sit at it and it almost felt like we wasted 2 tanks of gas. I mean it was an awful long way to drive just for a hamburger. I wish he would have listened to me and left me and the kids at home yesterday so at least one of us could have stayed for the speaker meeting. Next time I will definitely put my foot down and say no we will stay here and you go enjoy yourself dear. We made it to Topeka around 12:30 in the afternoon and dropped off some Halloween t-shirts to the area activities chair there then went to the Baldwin city shindig, we didn't get there until 3:pm and I had no idea this was an outside event. Mind you this is the middle of October in Kansas and the wind was gusting at 40 miles per hour. To those of you with out children this is where when the wind comes and blows real hard you grab the kids before they get blown into the lake!! We managed to be able to eat a couple of burgers but the girls, who were just happy to be out of the restraints of the car seats suddenly had red faces with lots of snot running down them, of course we had no mittens or heavy coats as I stated before we got there I had no idea we were going to be outside, not only outside but outside with no facilities. My 14 year old wouldn't come out of the truck because she had to pee. I told her we would have to find a tree to squat somewhere and she said she wasn't going to do it. After promising to pee with her I finally got her out and led her into the forest. It was there that I learned 2 things, one: my daughter doesn't know how to squat, and two: she told me "I hate you guys." Of course the second part she said through laughter as I was holding her hand so she could balance while peeing enough to fill the darn lake!! The members were wonderful of course and very gracious and I really wanted to stay and hear my friend share his story but the kids were just too cold to sit out in the weather, not that they were sitting. Wes was sitting and enjoying the meeting while I was running around corralling the children, so of course I wasn't cold. I know that we really just need to wait until they are a little bit older but we really miss a lot of the fellowship when we don't go to events. So I will call my sponsor now, do some step work and get ready for tonight's meeting. My morning meditation is as follows: "Today I will trust that the events in my life are not random. My experiences are not a mistake. The universe, my Higher Power and life are not picking on me. I am going through what I need to go through to learn something valuable, something that will prepare me for the joy and love I am seeking." Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go-pg. 313

being honest

It is humbling to learn to be honest. I used to think I was always honest when I was using. I never hid the fact that I used, in fact I had absolutely no tact when it came to my honesty. Today I know a lot of that was a way to just lie to myself. I always believed that I was better with my dope than with out. I digress though I really need to talk about being honest today, and that means also being honest with myself. I notice it is easier to see it in others than myself. I have a freind who is so in denial of all of her problems that all she does is create chaos in her life today. And she has more time in the program than me. So am I headed for denial. How do I keep myself from returning to the same old addict behavior without the dope. How can I be sure that I will not end up so close to a relapse? I mean it is so frustrating to see someone you love deteriorate so much and be so powerless to do anything about it. So tonight I got upset and I acted out on some character defects that I have been working on. I was upset because we are so low on groceries and the budget is so tight. We only have so much time to go to the store and we had to wait for my oldest daughter to get done with her drill meet before we could go. Well the darn thing should have been done at 7 but it wasn't over until 8. I was so upset and I didn't want to be manipulative, you know doing something to get my way. When asked what was wrong I wouldn't answer I was so mad about not having any food in the house I was ready to martyr myself and my girls just by not saying what we needed. After I calmed down we did end up going to the store to get some items until this weekend. So how do I learn from this and not end up creating chaos in my life today? What do I need to continue on my journey of recovery to where I don't end up like my friend who is always in a state of chaos. How funny that this is going to be my meditation for today, it is also out of the daily meditation book "Just for Today": I will try not to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life. Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Powers care. October 23

My new beginning

Today is Tuesday and this is my first time posting a blog. I hope I am doing this right. You know some of the thoughts that run through my head just sometimes clutter up my day so I have to get them out. This is how I work my Program. Just a little background on me I am a grateful recovering addict and I belong to the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. I am very proud of my life today and the way I choose to live. Sometimes I feel life is a wonderful gift and that I need to live everyday in the now. That is why they call it the present, because it is a gift. There are so many times when life just gets me down and my faith in a higher power begins to wain. We all get like this but because of my addiction I take it to another level, a dark one that tells me life is not worth living. I really hate it when I am in those bad spaces luckily for me I have a program that helps me to stay out of those spaces, I go to meetings, share openly and honestly, I call my sponsor and I do step work. Because of the work that I do on myself I have become a better person with a great outlook on life and I just wanted to give you a little insight as to where my thoughts come from. I like to begin each day with a meditation so here is today's: "It is Hope that gives life meaning, and hope is based on the prospect of being able one day to turn the actual world into a possible one that looks better"- Francois Jacob ( this was in the Oprah mission Calendar Inspiration)