being honest

It is humbling to learn to be honest. I used to think I was always honest when I was using. I never hid the fact that I used, in fact I had absolutely no tact when it came to my honesty. Today I know a lot of that was a way to just lie to myself. I always believed that I was better with my dope than with out. I digress though I really need to talk about being honest today, and that means also being honest with myself. I notice it is easier to see it in others than myself. I have a freind who is so in denial of all of her problems that all she does is create chaos in her life today. And she has more time in the program than me. So am I headed for denial. How do I keep myself from returning to the same old addict behavior without the dope. How can I be sure that I will not end up so close to a relapse? I mean it is so frustrating to see someone you love deteriorate so much and be so powerless to do anything about it. So tonight I got upset and I acted out on some character defects that I have been working on. I was upset because we are so low on groceries and the budget is so tight. We only have so much time to go to the store and we had to wait for my oldest daughter to get done with her drill meet before we could go. Well the darn thing should have been done at 7 but it wasn't over until 8. I was so upset and I didn't want to be manipulative, you know doing something to get my way. When asked what was wrong I wouldn't answer I was so mad about not having any food in the house I was ready to martyr myself and my girls just by not saying what we needed. After I calmed down we did end up going to the store to get some items until this weekend. So how do I learn from this and not end up creating chaos in my life today? What do I need to continue on my journey of recovery to where I don't end up like my friend who is always in a state of chaos. How funny that this is going to be my meditation for today, it is also out of the daily meditation book "Just for Today": I will try not to scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life. Through the NA program, I will surrender myself to my Higher Powers care. October 23