Fear and Worry

Today I paid an old bill. I pulled my credit report last week and sent off for the two other credit agencies that I could not get off line and today I paid off one bill. This puts me closer to my dream of cleaning up my credit. It has taken me almost 4 years in recovery to even look at my own debt. I never in my using days would even attempt to look at this stuff. Guilt and shame kept me from doing the right thing and paying off my debt. Old habits die hard they say and for this little addict it takes an atom bomb to go off in my head to kill some of mine. One of my habits was if I had a couple of bucks I would spend them, it never occurred to me that I had no business spending money when I had old debts to pay. Another habit was and still is lack of commitment. I couldn't commit to payment plans I would start off good then something would come up because of course I would make just enough for my bills but then I would forget about things like gas and groceries or what if my car needed repair, then a payment would not get made, then I would get further and further behind like quicksand. Now I am not blaming my upbringing in anyway I am just stating the facts and that is that I was never taught about things like a budget, or savings and why you should have one. Today I listen to Suze Orman and I can tell you she is one of my hero's in life. This is an amazing woman who really wants to help everyone not just women but everyone have financial freedom. And you know I own a copy of her "9 Steps To Financial Freedom". And her first step that she has and says in her shows every week is to "STOP SPENDING MONEY!!!" I didn't know how to do that, I would stop at the gas station every chance I had, If I had some change and get a pop or a candy bar, you know a couple bucks here and there, they won't pay off a bill anyway. That is the hardest thing for me to do is not to spend money. But I have I have stopped taking every little penny I get and buying junk food and not having anything to show for it but bigger hips, now I still have bigger hips, however I was able to squirrel away almost $700.00 and today I paid off a creditor in the amount of $405.00. I still do not have an income and the little allowance I get I put away as I agreed to and it feels pretty good to have kept my word for once in my life and actually pay a debt with some of my money. Tomorrow I will call one of my other creditors and continue on my journey to financial freedom. One thing I won't do is allow my fear and worry stop me from taking charge of my life. One thing was asked of me and that is to try and negotiate with some of these creditors and make sure that I do owe the money. This gives me great fear, for who am I to ask someone I owe for a discount?!? I mean I know some of the debt is inflated but after all it would not be there at all if I paid it off in the first place now would it, however I agreed to ask to pay less and I agreed to not give out any bank information simply to protect myself. It is mostly fear and my feelings of unworthiness that prevent me from standing up for myself. So today my financial guru will be the meditation fo the day and I leave you with this little gem; "That’s what controlling your financial destiny comes down to: knowing what to do and what not to do— and having the conviction and confidence to go out and do it. Not just think about it. Or intend to do it next week or next month.To actually do it. Right now."
Suze Orman- "Women and Money" pg. 15