Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Step Work

So I decide to pick up my step working guide and get back on track with my 6th step, nothing like my clean time buddy to light a fire under my butt. She tells me that she is going to get her 6th step done before her 4 year clean date. We celebrate the same month the same amount of clean time. So of course I need to get mine done, no ego working there, anyway I pick up where I left off thinking I'm going to write about procrastination, and guess where I left off? Resentments. huh. Well no wonder I put the pen down. I thought I got past that really I did so here I am trying to figure out what it is about resentments that I can't let go of. Then I think about the resentments I have from the past. What I came up with was "Justice". You know there are so many triggers for me that are probably unresolved and they still cause me to carry resentments today. You know like in service I had someone say in the middle of a service meeting that there was no involvement because I was there. If I was not there people would be involved. This was almost a year ago and I am still hurt by it. I can go to do service and carry on like it doesn't bother me but inside it still does. Why, I don't know, well maybe I do. There were times in my past where I was wronged or victimized and never given justice. When someone today says something to me that I feel is wrong, and when my addict says to me that nobody is going to do anything about it, because they don't, then it triggers those emotions from the past. The ones that said I did deserve the bad things to happen to me, and that I was a piece of garbage. The ones where all I new was to feel bad about myself. When I was young I didn't have the tools of recovery to know that I didn't have to feel that way. And I still have unresolved issues from the past that continue to haunt me today. Well hopefully I can finish putting this into words so my sponsor and I can go over them. Does this mean that since I have an awareness of why I become resentful that maybe I can disconnect the two feelings. Can I continue with my step work unsure of my feelings that all is well or that I will be able to one day let go of resentments that have haunted me my entire life? Today's thought;Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.Herbert Otto


Shadow said...

knowing why is the step towards resolving, fixing, healing, overcoming.

LarryG said...

love the quote, glad you are finding applications like that.