Saturday, November 15, 2008
Remembering the Past and my Mom
"Letting go", was the title of today's meditation from my literature. It was 10 months ago today my mother died. It was 5 years ago today that my father died. I was so devastated that I wanted to die. That is when I stuck a needle in my arm. That was the beginning of the end for me. The next year was a flash of nothing but stealing, bad hotel rooms, jails and an overdose in one of those sleazy places that almost killed me. Later, I remember being dope sick and I was very angry at my mother. I had just gotten out of jail and needed a fix. I had just spent the last year away from my family coming and going as I pleased and my baby was so worried that she stayed up all night crying and praying for me and I didn't care. I remember trying to pack everything up in my van and telling my daughter to pack her things we were leaving. I remember her telling me no. She said no mom, I am not going with you, I love you if you want to go then go I will stay here with grandma. I remember I was angry with her for that so I left to go get high, but I had no money. I had been sick for a few days, then I remember when my fingers started hurting. I looked up and my fingers were hurting, there was a policeman fingerprinting me and I told him "You're hurting my fingers." That was the first thing I felt in a while was my fingers. Then I sat in jail for a while longer, and I started to hurt. And I remembered my baby and the words she said to me and I wanted to make it better. So I decided that I was done using and I was going to go home and fix what was broken. I found out I couldn't do it alone. I tried for four months and I was having horrible fits of rage and I just couldn't function. I remember beating the tiles on the bathroom floor for hours I still have callouses on my knuckles from it. I left my house and wandered the streets all night that night. I wanted to do something to get me thrown in jail with the rest of the garbage because I was worthless. I remember going to the hospital where the waiting room is for people who have babies, it was warm and they had free coffee. I called my mom in the morning and she asked me where was I so I told her. She asked if it would be ok to bring me some sandwiches because I had to be hungry. I told her that would be fine but I was not coming back home. When she got there she asked me to come home. I told her "Why do you want me home? Mom, I can't even think right, I am worthless I stole all your money why do you want me home?" and she told me "Baby, don't you know how proud of you I am, I love you, you stopped all that stuff and you are trying to get better. Please come home. It will be ok." We sat there on the bench and cried together for a while, then I went home and called a treatment facility. My clean date is January 8, 2005 this is my first attempt to stop using and so far the journey has been amazing to say the least. It was not always easy and it won't always be. But today I can handle life and I wake up happy, I am no longer and Eeyore in life. Today I am a Tigger I know how very precious life is and how very lucky I am not to have been inflicted with some life threatening illness. When I first walked in the doors of NA with the gift of Desperation I was sick, sad and sorry. I was afraid of going to the doctors to see what was wrong with me. I just knew I had some kind of tumor or HIV or Hep C. I knew it. As it turns out my tumor was a baby, I was 6 months pregnant. No idea, none. Shortest pregnancy on record I found out I was pregnant on September 9th and my baby was born on December 28th 2005. Then I go and have another baby on December 15th the following year!! They will both be 2 years old for 13 days next month!! I have the ability today to love my life, and my family.I don't yell at my babies and we play so much. I love them so much it hurts and I love them some more still. As I stated earlier my mother died 10 months ago today. She had cancer and I took care of her during that. I am still letting go of her a little everyday and I miss her so very much. I am grateful today for my father dying, though it is bittersweet he was my best freind. I am grateful though because if he had not died I would still be using. I never would have stuck that needle in my arm, I never would have hit my bottom and come into recovery. Because my father died, my mother was able to hold my hand and walk me through my darkest hours. Because my father died I was able to hold my mothers hand as she walked through her darkest hours and for the love we have together through working these steps in recovery, I was able to let go, a little at a time. And for today's meditation, Many of us have said; "Take my will and my life, Guide me in my recovery, and Show me How to live." Just For Today Meditation book for November 15th.