When will she let go

I just had a heart to heart with my daughter. A few weeks ago she was in trouble for slapping her stepfather in the face, during that fight she informed us that she was smoking and that she never quit smoking. Yeah I was pretty hot, now fast forward to today and Wes saw a girlfriend of hers out on the street and she was smoking. This girl takes the same bus Adrianna does to school in the morning. So it was bothering him but he didn't say anything then tonight we have a discussion about drivers ed. She was asked at school today if she wanted to take drivers ed next semester and if she did she would have to drop a class. She chose instead to wait until her sophomore year and I didn't know why she did this. So when we brought the subject up tonight Wes asked if I remembered what we had discussed at the beginning of the school year about drivers ed. Of course I said no I have slept since then. I mean man she had already decided not to do this so why drill her about responsibility. Anyway the subject went into left field and we were then asking her when and who did she smoke with. And she said I haven't smoked in a long time. Wes said that is not what I asked you. Then I asked her if she got cigarettes from her bus stop friend and she said, I don't trust her smokes they look weird. Still avoiding the answer. This went on for a few minutes and I said look we didn't start this conversation to drill her about smoking and Wes said he just wanted to know if she could or would be honest when asked a question. I had told her to bring this conversation up to her counselor when they meet next week because she was upset. This isn't even the heart to heart, I'm getting to that. I mean AAAAAAGGGUHHU why did I ever get high!!!! So where was I, oh, yeah, so she is totally upset and I say to her, Baby are you ok? and she just sits there and I said is there someone you want to talk to? Because I've been here before and she puts this wall up and I know I am not her favorite person at the moment. Then she says she is going to her room to draw. So Wes tells her that she is being rude, that mom is trying to reach out to her and that her response is rude and that even though she is mad at him she is taking it out on me. So she goes in her room crying. So of course I go to check on her because I don't want her to hurt herself and we TALK, I mean she really, really was very open and honest with me for the first time in a very, very long time. And she tells me that when we have these sit downs together it is like Wes and I are both taking turns punching her and taking jabs at her. Wow you all know I start to do the little lip quiver. Then I compose myself and say thank you for your honesty and I will talk with Wes about this because that is so not our intention and I know that she believes me. I still had to tell her though that when she tries to just ask one of us without both of us it was manipulation. Because it is she tries to see who is in a better mood or something and ask for things at the right time, she's a teen, I am not a perfect parent, we are both learning. Then she really starts to TALK, did you think I was done, no I need to get this out and it is too late for a meeting. She tells me that she doesn't trust me and she is just waiting for me to leave. Or throw her out. She doesn't like it here and when the counselor asked me about sending her to the childrens home for 3 days it was at Adrianna's request and I didn't know that. I said No no wait more like HELL NO. I was asking if there was a treatment type place for her because she was having thoughts of harming herself and when I am around she won't talk. I was not trying to put her in a childrens home, I am not going to throw my baby away and I am not going to let her run away. However, now that I am enlightened...AAAAUUGGGHHHHH........
You know these emotions that we have to feel are pretty potent. How do I apologise for being so bad to her. How do I help her let go of the past. Does she really need to be away from me to heal. I don't even yell at her. I cried, and I told her that I knew she hated Wes, and that it kills her to see me be a good mom to my little ones when I wasn't there for her. I know the damage I did to her when she spent weeks on end wondering why did I not come home. I know the damage because I see it in her beautiful face everyday when she comes home from school. She doesn't want to come home, she doesn't want me or our family. Wes thinks that sending her somewhere is wrong because he was sent away by his mom as a teen and even though he said he wanted to go he didn't mean it. He thinks she is pushing me away to hurt me for a payback or something. I am truly powerless. You know I think I will work on my stepwork now, there isn't too much else I can do but relive the pains in this blog and it is already so very long So no meditation or funny thoughts today just, thanks for letting me share and I will keep coming back. And yes I am so gald we had this talk, seriously, I hope she will talk again I hope I didn't say anything that would make her afraid to talk to me again.