Thursday, December 25, 2008
You know I was up until 1 in the morning wrapping presents. I had also wrapped some before last night, the kids got a lot of loot this year. All the work of wrapping was gone in less than 30 minutes!! Yes I am shocked but I am so happy. My little digital camera has a little video recorder on it and while it is no camcorder it did the job. I really love watching the girls get their presents and the happiness it fills my heart with makes me brim with tears. I never had that before, you know the total appreciation of watching my little girls open their presents and the magic of Christmas unfold in their little eyes. The excitement, the giggles, the screams of joy it was so much fun. Even my honey was floored by his gifts, and me well I got what I wanted even if there were no presents for me, the gift of being able to see them open those presents over and over is just priceless. I am so thankful today and I am full of gratitude and I love my family so much. I have on my wall, a picture taken when I was about 7 years old. It was a picture of my entire family, Mom, Dad, Jimmy(my older brother), Candy(my crazy older sister), Larry(my baby brother in jail)and the baby Mickey, she really was a little baby at the time and Grandma and Grandpa. That is the only known family picture in existence. It is also the only picture I ever took with my father. Something like that is worthless to most people because it is not their family. It didn't mean much to me either, until I lost Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Dad, and my little brother went to prison. I haven't seen my little sister in 6 years, the summer before this last one was the first time I saw my older brother in 12 years and today I take pictures. I want my memories to last longer than me. I want to remember the feelings of Christmas when they are good I don't want to lose the good feelings that the holidays are all about. I regret not taking pictures with my father. Something inside thought that he would be here forever and I took life for granted. Today I feel my mortality and I know that right now my little girls are still so very innocent. They don't know about hard times, times without a Dad or Mom, times when money is tight and mostly they don't have memories of Mommy getting high. I want to remember that innocence, and I want them to remember a "Santa Claus" and that life has a lot to offer. Life is so precious today, to me and I don't want to forget this feeling so I am grateful for the camera that gives me the opportunity to relive the feelings. If you don't have one do yourself a favor and go get a Cannon digital camera, it is the Powershot not the expensive one and it really takes great memories. And if you are one of those people with a fear of taking pictures, get over it! Life is short and you don't know when the day will come when you wish you could remember something special, if you don't want to do it for you, do it for your family, they will thank you later. I never really understood the meaning of the holiday season, maybe I didn't want to, today I still don't like to see my pictures but I do it any way. And I take my camera with me everywhere. I take so many pictures and sometimes I take the time to video my memories. That is change and growth for me, I appreciate my family and I take the pictures to remember that I appreciate them, I am grateful for my recovery today because it gives me the chance to appreciate life and that is change in me today;"I thought I could change the world. It took me a hundred years to figure out I can't change the world. I can only change Bessie. And honey, that ain't easy either."