Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Dealing with the Past Continued

You know it is so hard when feelings from the past show up knocking at your door unannounced. I didn't even know what hit me, it didn't even occur to me that I was in "Fight or Flee" mode until I was sitting there at 2 in the morning fighting with the love of my life. All day long he kept telling me I was out of sorts and I didn't believe him. Looking back on 2 days ago i can see I was ready to leave, just leave. I was outside at two in the morning in 10 degree weather without any shoes on and I would have left if his truck wasn't parked behind my van. We sat there and argued until we cried. I felt like I was so worthless all over again. I was dragging stuff into the argument that came way out of left field, like if it wasn't for me and my kids Wes could afford the expensive couch that he deserved. He said he would rather sit on bean bags with me then an expensive couch alone. He kept trying to tell me he wasn't Captain Stupid as I like to refer to A's father and all I could see was another freaking control freak who had to have things his way.
I am so glad that those horrible feelings from 12 years ago are gone. Today I don't feel like such a victim. It was just a stupid letter. A stupid misspelled letter that some idiot got lucky with an address. He doesn't have my real address and even if he did come out here, I would have him arrested on the spot.
Yesterday I was in a real deep depression over the whole thing, having nightmares about him coming and killing my family. I think it is safe to say that I hate him. I don't like to use the word hate but in this case I will. So I know my next step is to pray for him. I always thought deep down inside that maybe he was only as sick as our relationship and that he probably really would grow up and want to know about his daughter. I really thought that the letter would say something like "how is she doing" or "I really miss my little girl" something. But the colossal prick only asked for me to "fore give" him and give him another chance.
I am still in awe at the sheer audacity of his letter asking for us to have another chance. 12 years and he thinks I would go back to that hell. I guess for him it wasn't pure hell to be angry all the time at me and to spend his days finding fault with everything I did. It was hell on the receiving end let me tell you, and today I am making a resolution to not be a VICTIM any more. He will no longer victimize me nor will I ever allow him to come near me or my family. Happy New Years to all my fellow bloggers and good tidings to you and yours, I am looking forward to reading some great tales of life this next year, today's thought; "Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
--William James


Shadow said...

you've got the kick-ass attitude you need to get through this. you'll do it and come out on top.

LarryG said...

sounds like you are making some healthy choices for success - stick to your guns!