Friday, December 5, 2008

Family & Holidays

I am so happy about the holidays, and I am so sad at the same time. Last year was Mom's last Christmas. It was such a difficult time dealing with the cancer and all her other medical conditions Gillian was just a year old, Haley was 2 and Adrianna was still in denial of grandma's condition. Then there was Wes, he was so wonderful to have us all live here and take mom in like he did. It was sooo cramped in this little house but there was a lot of love. For Christmas last year my sister, her 4 kids and my little brother were all here to be with mom. My brother and sister were not here much except on special occasions. I took care of mom and I was able to do so gracefully through going to meetings on a nightly basis and crying my eyes out for a whole year. I owe so much to this program and I am so grateful for everything I have been blessed with in my life. This year we are not going to have so many people here. Mom is gone and my baby brother is in jail in California. I don't even know what for. What I know is the sheriff's in California, Santa Clara County, are going to throw the book at him. He has AIDS and Hep C along with a miryad of heart conditions as well as seizures. My fear is he will die in prison and I can not protect him. I called my Uncle when they extradited him in November and have not heard exactly how long they will keep him, why they have him, or if they will give him medical attention. I had a dream last week that I got a call from California that my brother had passed away in prison. So I need to call my Uncle to aleviate my fears, I have been procrastinating calling him because I don't know what I will hear on the other side. One of my "denial blankets" is if I don't know then it is not real. I know I am powerless and I cannot live in fear. I am so happy with my life today. One of my other character defects, guilt, is telling me I don't deserve my life. So to ease my guilt I am writing about my missing brother to tell the whole world I am worried about him and I do think about him. There is just nothing in my power that I can do to help him. His birthday is the same as my middle daughters, December 28th, So I know he will be thinking about us as well. At least he won't be getting drunk, and hopefully he will be safe. I will put this in my "God Box" so I can let it go. As for the rest of my holiday, I am so excited my soon to be 3 year old is really seeing the magic of Christmas and I am so excited to watch her learn about the season. My soon to be 2 year old is getting into the spirit as well and watching their little eyes light up with wonder is just awesome. Bittersweet that my family won't be here for it, but it is so amazing to watch them learn and grow and love. I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday season. and my thought for today comes from
Oprah's Mission Calendar Inspiration ;
"My Christmas wish is that we will continue to be thoughtful throughout the year."-Patti Labelle


J-Online said...

There are so many emotions that come up this time of year. I'm sorry about your Mom and Brother. It sounds like you are grieving and scared. I understand. Take care of yourself and enjoy the spirit of Christmas through your little ones. I know mine helps me put life into perspective when I'm dealing with a lot of feelings. Hugs, Jen

LarryG said...

There is nothing like a "God-Box" or "God-Can" to put things in.
Will lift y'all up!

Shadow said...

hiya! nice to meet you. holidays bring out the best and they bring out the worst... i know i want to go on holiday, i also dread not knowing what to do all day once i am... go figure. mmmm, 1 day at a time, right.