Thursday, January 29, 2009

Today, Just Rambling

Life isn't always beautiful. I can attest to that. I haven't been to the gym all week, I missed meetings I was supposed to go to. My sponsor has not called me back and I have left a couple of messages asking her to. I have not had a full nights sleep all week and I am dragging butt today. My am I tired, I am grateful though it is a good tired. My oldest will be going to see the child psychologist or what ever it is called this afternoon. I am so overwhelmed with the amount of doctors appointments I called a friend in recovery to talk about it since I could not get a hold of my sponsor.
I have fresh roasted coffee from Uganda. Coffee is good, I love my coffee. My boyfriend is a home roaster and we just had some wonderful Guatemalan coffee. He says friends don't let friends drink Folgers. Coffee helps so much, especially when you are blessed with really good coffee, and I must say I am truly blessed. As weary as I feel I am not complaining, it is just the way I get it all out of my head to get my life in perspective. My oldest let me hold her last night to comfort her. I think she might just be coming around, a little. I have hope that maybe some anti- anxiety medication in place of everything else she has been taking might actually help. my fear is that I will not ask the right questions or that maybe I will cave into what the doctor thinks is 'best'. I really want to try a very mild medication something to just calm her down enough so she can apply new coping skills. If that doesn't work then I would be willing to try something else. So I am a little anxious, especially since she is still in extreme pain from the costochondritis and I can't make the pain go away. A lot of the pain though is from all this anxiety, so all we can do is wait and see how it goes today.
My dear friend, Darra from "Life as I know it" is in a lot of pain today as well. She is dealing with her little girls birthday today. Her little girl died so very, very young you can read her story if you click on the link. Please keep her in your prayers she is going to be having a rough week.
So I know I am blessed, I have never had do say goodbye to my babies. I am blessed with being able to be honest and just get this out of my head. I do still need a meeting though and I will go tonight. I might even get to the gym this afternoon. My honey told me to take a nap with the kids today, I might just try that too. So even though I am weary, all is not lost. I have hope, and if nothing else I get to read how everybody else is doing in my blogging community and I wish you all a great day too. I really love the poetry and witty writing that everyone does.
One thing I haven't talked about is my little brother, and I know he has been a pressing issue as well. I know I am powerless but I still worry so I think maybe I will share a little about him in tonight's blog, just to get it all out.
I have such a beautiful life and sometimes it makes me feel guilty because I watch those around me struggle and go through hardships and it gives me gratitude and guilt at the same time. You know like I don't deserve all this good stuff. and I should not complain because I am so lucky in life. So I am really not complaining I am really just putting it into perspective, because I do have it good today and I am very grateful for that. Thanks for listening, today's thought;"It's not the load that brings you down. It's the way you carry it"--Barbara Johnson


Woody Jr said...

and I am blessed to know you!

Lou said...

Don't feel guilty ever about writing your thoughts. It's very therapeutic, and the problems you have are valid and real.
I think your ideas on medication for your daughter are excellent. I can tell you have thought it through, and you are not going to jump to hasty conclusions.

cw2smom said...

Ditto to what Woody said!! Hang in there kiddo! You know...I never did aquire a taste for coffee, even though I seriously tried. I LOVE the smell and would love to be around your house when it's being roasted. YUM. But, no likey drinky!! Ick! Although, I am glad it's something that you truly enjoy! Blessings, Lisa

Prayer Girl said...

First of all I want to welcome you to my blog. I saw you became a follower.

Feeling guilt about your recovery when you see others not there (yet) reminds me so much of what they call "survivor's guilt" when someone survives a terrible accident when everyone else has died.

You have a higher power and so does everyone else. Your journey is yours and everyone else has their own journey to take. Life is a mystery. I am just grateful for my sobriety and pray for others who may not have found (yet) what I have found.

Again, welcome to my blog.

Shadow said...

the ups and the downs. they happen. as long as we don't forget the blessings though, we are good. and you haven't. have a super weekend!!!

Prince NaKi said...

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