Sunday, January 11, 2009

Hi Mom,

You died on a Tuesday, I think about you every day. Today is your birthday, you would have been 63. I am very grateful that you were my mother. I can't say you always made the right choices, or you would not be human, but I can say that you always thought about us before you. I try not to dwell on the past and the mistakes I made, I know you forgave me a long time ago. I am so grateful for your forgiving ways, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have you to help me during my darkest hours.
You died on a Tuesday and I was afraid, I did not know where you were going, I just knew you were gone. I held your hand as you took your last breathe and I was afraid that you would not come back. I felt like a little kid who wanted to go bye bye with Mommy and this time I could not go. Do you remember the color of the sky the day you took your last breath? It was a beautiful day for a walk it looked a lot like today. I looked up in the sky and there were a group of clouds going by and they looked just like a flock of angels. Was it you going by, checking in on us? I like to think so, but I don't know. I do feel that you are at peace now and are in no pain. I wanted to cook you a special meal today but you are not here so I just wanted to say Happy Birthday Mom where ever you are I am thinking about you right now. I remember on your 40th birthday you were very surprised to come home to a black banner across the front door of the house saying "Over the Hill" but you were more surprised about the family I invited over and that I had made your favorite Turkey dinner. Only I was 13 and never cooked a turkey by myself. Dad told me to start it around noon since you would be home at 6:pm. I remember how you said it was really good but to me it was turkey jerky. I remember you asking me if I cooked the gizzards for gravy and my response was "What gizzards?" later we found them with all the other parts still in the bird. You got the biggest kick out of that and I am grateful that I had you as a mother.
You died on a Tuesday, and we had nothing left to say. You had stopped talking 2 days before but I had already told you I loved you. I already thanked you for saving my life and leading me to the doors of Narcotics Anonymous. We talked about the bad things I had done and you told me you were proud of me for quitting drugs. You never tried to guilt me about the actions of my past and for that I am grateful. I was scared to take you to the nursing home, but you couldn't remember what was going on anymore. I kept you close to my heart and you are not forgotten. My children will grow up knowing the price you paid so they could have a good mother. You left us so soon and this hurts so much, that while my little babies will not remember your touch I am grateful they will not know me when I was using. Thank you for your patience, thank you for your love but most of all Mom, thank you for giving me a life today that is more than I ever thought I would deserve. I hope I make you proud with my decisions and how I live today. I hope that when you read this you know I thought about you all day.
Do you remember your birthday last year it was on a Friday? We were there but you could not get out of bed. You wouldn't talk to anyone, but you asked for me. I held your hand and whispered "Happy Birthday" you smiled with your eyes closed and whispered "Happy Birthday to you too". You called for me on Sunday and the nurses said you were upset, you didn't know where you were and I came to calm you down. I sat there all day Sunday and held your hand with you, I rocked you in my arms and told you how sorry I was that I couldn't take care of you any more. You said me too, and that you wanted me to know you were doing this for me and Wes, so we could go on with our lives. I knew what you meant and I just held you tight. You never spoke again, you said all there was to say and you surrendered. I brought our Adrianna to see you on Monday, but you couldn't speak any more, so she just sat there doing homework and reading her poems to you.
I will always remember that you died on a Tuesday, it was unusually warm for January, it was a beautiful day for a walk. Happy Birthday Mom, I miss you so much I hope you are happy where ever you are.:

Living may be likened to a garden. If we plant love through kindness, love flows back to us. If we plant hate, enmity and malice flow back to us. At the close of the gardening season comes winter, we humans call it death, but death is only a transition; a transformation from a material body with material emotions and viewpoints to a more subtle form, the enteric or spiritual form. Those of us busy with living frequently do not choose to face facts that “there is a time to die”. We are forced to do so when a dear friend or close relative dies.- Dealing with Life and Death, by Jewell Janet Backlund, or my grandma


Shadow said...

what a lovely tribute. hugs to you on this day of memories...

Lou said...

People tell me to disown my son. They don't know a mother's heart. This was really nice, and written with love.

Hootin' Anni said...

wonderful, heartfelt and loving tribute!! I found the strength in your words and the everlasting love you continue to hold in your heart. your comment...that "hot waffee" your girls make for you ....simply adorable.

74WIXYgrad said...

I'm glad that you have good memories of your mom, and that your mom can hold up what seems to have been a flop for you(cooking the turkey) as something she could be proud of.

I have some of the same memories of my mom, who's been gone for almost 5 years.

God bless you. Real good.

Syd said...

This brought tears to my eyes. It is a beautiful remembrance of your mother and says how much you loved her. I still miss my mother every day.