Monday, September 13, 2010

weekend update

what a long weekend. service, service and more service. i had a plan and then life happened. ever wonder what life would really be like if everything went exactly as you wanted it to go? would you really be fulfilled, satisfied or happy? or would you be so bored you would have to go find something to sabotage?

i know people who self sabotage, self medicate and over indulge in things they have no business indulging in. it is so sad to me when i see my friends going through tough times like these and yet it gives me gratitude that I do not have such chaos in my life today.

then i look at myself and the fears i feel on a daily basis. the chaos in my head that i try to sort out. when i share with others how i feel, they say things like 'don't let that person take your power', you know like i have any control over it. i know they mean well but i feel fear so very strongly, that i am not worthy of the life i have. that i am not worthy of anything.

we had area this weekend and it was good to see so many friends there. but i was still scared inside. and when it came time for my report, i was shaking so badly i couldn't hold my paper. this is my fear, fear of being judged, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure. you name it it is probably there.

i don't know what it will take to surrender this fear. but i am willing to work on it today. i am grateful my sponsor is coming into town next weekend to go over my step work with me. i am grateful i did not step up for any service positions this month. i am grateful for not feeling overwhelmed today.

i haven't weighed in yet, and we haven't made it to the gym all weekend, my little ones have a cough and the sniffles so i am not taking them to the gym as they will get the other kids sick. i will try to go tonight after therapy.

i am not sure how to feel today, it sucks not having the endorphins from working out. i made a request from my area to go to Tulsa for a business meeting and there was a lot of discussion on weather or not it was my place to  go and did we really need to spend money on such a trip. i tried to stay out of the conversation as much as possible except when asked any questions. i did well in that aspect and it was hard to hear the negative things said about sending me. but i needed to make the request and leave the results up to the groups. in the end they trusted me to go. i don't know how to feel about that but i know i will do everything in my power to make sure the groups get the information they need from this business meeting.

i hope today, i hope i can serve my fellowship to the best of my ability. i hope i am doing the right things for the right reasons.

today's thought; "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."- Pericles


Busy Bee Suz said...

I ADORE that quote!
I hope the girls feel better soon. Keep up the good work.

steveroni said...

Sometimes I wish I had back some of that fear you describe, of which I am all too familiar.

So what now? I just bluster and like 'bull-in-china-shop', shove my way through, and assess the damage later...and try to learn.


Gabriella Moonlight said...

Great and honest post...i work like you to stay out of my head and in action, but i always flub up, thank god for the program.

Sorry you're babies are sick...luckily they get well!!!
Then it's back to the gym!!!
xo G

Brian Miller said...

thanks for sharing your honest feelings...are you good enough...yes or you would not be do what you can do...people will always judge us but their judgement means little next to HP...

HOOTIN' ANNI said...

My dear....I'm sure you don't want my opinion or anything....I know deep down you'll work things out in your own time. But, I just wanted to state here, that fear is good! At least I think so. That means, at least through these eyes as I read what kind of a weekend you had....I think having that fear means you want to do the right thing! And you will 'cause the fear in you makes you only human and that you care about yourself.

Thanks for stopping by.

magiceye said...

once you reach a decision, half the battle is won! so cheers!