weekend update

what a long weekend. service, service and more service. i had a plan and then life happened. ever wonder what life would really be like if everything went exactly as you wanted it to go? would you really be fulfilled, satisfied or happy? or would you be so bored you would have to go find something to sabotage?

i know people who self sabotage, self medicate and over indulge in things they have no business indulging in. it is so sad to me when i see my friends going through tough times like these and yet it gives me gratitude that I do not have such chaos in my life today.

then i look at myself and the fears i feel on a daily basis. the chaos in my head that i try to sort out. when i share with others how i feel, they say things like 'don't let that person take your power', you know like i have any control over it. i know they mean well but i feel fear so very strongly, that i am not worthy of the life i have. that i am not worthy of anything.

we had area this weekend and it was good to see so many friends there. but i was still scared inside. and when it came time for my report, i was shaking so badly i couldn't hold my paper. this is my fear, fear of being judged, fear of not being good enough, fear of failure. you name it it is probably there.

i don't know what it will take to surrender this fear. but i am willing to work on it today. i am grateful my sponsor is coming into town next weekend to go over my step work with me. i am grateful i did not step up for any service positions this month. i am grateful for not feeling overwhelmed today.

i haven't weighed in yet, and we haven't made it to the gym all weekend, my little ones have a cough and the sniffles so i am not taking them to the gym as they will get the other kids sick. i will try to go tonight after therapy.

i am not sure how to feel today, it sucks not having the endorphins from working out. i made a request from my area to go to Tulsa for a business meeting and there was a lot of discussion on weather or not it was my place to  go and did we really need to spend money on such a trip. i tried to stay out of the conversation as much as possible except when asked any questions. i did well in that aspect and it was hard to hear the negative things said about sending me. but i needed to make the request and leave the results up to the groups. in the end they trusted me to go. i don't know how to feel about that but i know i will do everything in my power to make sure the groups get the information they need from this business meeting.

i hope today, i hope i can serve my fellowship to the best of my ability. i hope i am doing the right things for the right reasons.

today's thought; "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others."- Pericles