i am so grateful for the work i get done in therapy. it is scary though because sometimes i think i am going to fail at it. i went over the past couple of days in great detail with my therapist yesterday. i was very honest and i knew that my feelings were somehow connected to a past experience. like the one in yesterdays post.
one of the things we talked about in therapy were the differences between Wes and my father. and to remember them. there are a lot of differences. my father was a scallywag and pirate scoundrel. he was also charming and well liked by so many people. he was not a direct person instead he manipulated and cheated. he would always love something for nothing. he was a laborer and an ex-con. he was also a dry drunk, when we were young he was just drunk.
Wes is a very responsible adult, he is big on saving for our future he is a new father, an engineer, very direct and not always liked. he can rub people the wrong way. he is loving and caring. he tries to be fair and just. he falls short of that a lot. he is learning, like i am, to be a better parent. he has been clean for 19 years. and he works a program of recovery. he is not my father or any other abusive person i have been with in my lifetime.
therapy is a double edged sword, i have said this before and it is true. i know my parents did the best they could and i do not blame them for my addiction. and today i see the past for what it is, the good, the bad, the parts i don't want to remember. my parents were responsible for it. all of it. the chaos and neglect. as a parent today it is my job to keep my children safe and without chaos in their lives. i see through my haley that my attitude also affects hers. i was scared before because she pitched fits just like i did as a child. what i failed to see was that those fits were directly related to my behavior, if i was emotional and upset, she would react with fits. if i can keep my tone calm and collected, she does not pitch fits.
i always thought those were my fits because none of the other children threw them like me. but with the yellingand screaming my parents did to each other, dad was drunk and mom was mad, could there be a connection that i never saw before? hindsight being what it is, my brothers behavior is obvious, he was abused at such a young age and no one saw it. i think i would want to die too if i were in his shoes. i always felt abandoned by my older brother, but how my father treated him, i wouldn't want anything to conjure up those memories either.
today i need to get this new sewing machine out of the box. 'her big sad' sent me some wonderful patterns for christmas stockings!! and now i have a new project in life. halloween is coming and i need capes for my little vampires!!
i am ok today. i feel good inside without needing something from the outside to make me feel whole. this is a miracle. be good to each other.