Wednesday, September 29, 2010

cycling again

you know this sucks. last night i was so angry with Wes i almost used.i left him and i wanted to find some dope. i would not answer the phone i  just went somewhere and parked and thought about forgetting every thing.

i feel like i am never going to get anywhere in this relationship. why because we are not married. also because he hates his life. he complains all the time about how much he hates this house. he goes online to look at nicer houses that we will never move into. he is disappointed in the financial situation. most of the time i am happy, but i guess for me this is the best life i have ever lived. what i see today is that i am bringing him down. he makes great money but it all goes to my girls and me. if we weren't here he would be able to afford his house and his boat. his home would not be a mess either.

i don't know it is like a broken record. i told him we were just hurting each other and he said it was the bpd. i told him we needed to end the relationship and he told me we needed to talk to my therapist together.

yesterday i had a hectic day. i went to the gym and then came home for lunch, then went to check my A1C's then get some groceries. i came home and had to help a friend. then i had 4 pm therapy. the dishes were not done, the laundry was piled by the gate, that is where i tell the girls to put it when they pick up the living room, i had not taken it to the garage. i guess "A" did not dump the potty chair while she was watching the girls and when he came home he was visible irritated. then i took "A" to her therapy and came home and he had kicked the clothes out into the middle of the floor!! i was like what is this? he said 'they were in my way' no they weren't. i said 'i hate it when you do this to me'. he said he didn't do anything to me. like if the clothes were bothering him he could have picked them up and taken them to the garage. he asked me what did i think he was trying to say, at this point i was livid. i said you are telling me 'fuck you suzie pick up the clothes' he said i never said f.u.' so then i cleaned the kitchen and yelled at him and asked him why the f. was he with me if he couldn't stand me and the way i kept house. it just got uglier.

when i was done i said i was leaving and taking the girls he said i was not taking them i said fine, grabbed my keys and purse and left, the girls were crying.

i know it was partially the bpd but part of it is a real issue that we never talk about. i am tired of not talking about it and i am tired of his passive aggressive behavior when he is upset. Mr. direct is not being so direct and then expects me to be perfectly direct.

i am just angry right now and i am resentful at him and he tells me he loves me and i feel nothing right now. i don't know what i feel right now it is just really uncomfortable. i am crawling out of my skin. i am going to get this house clean now so he has nothing to be upset about when he comes home. i can't let it go because it is unresolved. i hate myself when i am like this. i wish it would just stop.


Shadow said...

*hugs* hunny! i understand your frustration. and your just wanting to give it all up and give in. but! it just isn't worth it. no-one is worth it. you are worth so much more. just look where you are. personally. not in relation to another. then pat yourself on the back, stand tall and proud, and do the best you can. ...and talk it out at some point. you're in my thoughts!

Dulce said...

Please please, do not feel like that... Remember we are not perfect and things flow if we let them do so.
You seem to be stresssed (who is not?)
Yes, but of course only our own pain counts...

Take it easy now and take decisions tomorrow- ;-)
Hugs dearest!


Prayer Girl said...

Wes makes choices too. Sounds like he wants to be with you and the girls. Life can be quite difficult but as long as you don't "use" there is a chance for a good resolution.

Prayers your way.

Mama Zen said...

You almost used . . . but you didn't. You didn't.

Sending prayers.

Grace-WorkinProgress said...

You can never do enough or be enough to make another person happy. It doesn't matter what size you are or how clean the house is it isn't about you. When I read your blog today it took me back to when I thought if everything was perfect my husband wouldn't be so angry and would act like an adult. If keeping a perfect house would keep someone sober or happy or save a relationship we wouldn't need 12 step programs. I was not addicted to a substance but addicted to pleasing everybody. It is exhausting and impossible. I finally had to ask myself, do I think I am so powerful that I can actually make another person happy. Everything is not my responsibility.

Syd said...

Suzie, I have had these blow ups too. That is the way we used to be. Now, we respect each other enough to not blow but to take a right action to do what is necessary to compromise. I can't make C. happy nor can she make me be different than who I am. It is an inside job. We take turns doing things and we work together on things. It works for us. Talk to Wes and reason things out. I am sure that he loves you. And you love him. This is a bump in the road. Using is not going to smooth out anything but make the road rougher and impassable.