manic day

yesterday was so emotional for me. i couldn't shake it. i spent half the day crying, the other half screaming in rage. i wished someone was here to help me, but no one came.

i kept telling myself there was no reason to yell at my babies, then i would break down crying. in the past i would find one thing to focus my anger on and i didn't even know it. like the time i decided i was leaving Wes and packed the girls up in the van but had no where to go. it was the same thing but it had no focus. i kept derailing it and i would end up on the couch crying.

i am just trying to make sense of this. i know now that i have borderline personality disorder. i also have post traumatic stress disorder. i am in therapy for both. so today i can recognise the symptoms as they arise. but i do not know what to do with them. even though this blog is on the Internet it feels so safe for me to use it as an outlet.

the tools i learned in therapy helped me some yesterday but i still went through a living hell. my thoughts were black and angry. i thought about suicide and leaving and how i was all alone and no one understood me. i called Wes at work to try to calm down and it helped. i wanted to ask him to come home so i was not alone but he has to work and that was not something i thought was an option. not realistic. so my rational brain is starting to function, because i was thinking rational thoughts during this crisis. never had that happen before. the difference between someone who has bipolar disorder and someone with borderline personality disorder (bpd) is that someone with bipolar disorder they cycle similar to this but it lasts for weeks or months. with bpd it lasts a few hours to a day or two. and when i read that it described me perfectly.

today i am much better. last night i cried in the shower and when Wes came home he asked me to call my therapist and my sponsor, and i listened. that was a first. so i know this therapy is working. i called them both and left messages. my therapist called me back. she told me with all the extensive therapy i am doing there are going to be days when i feel flooded like this. it used to be i was irrationally angry at something someone said. my bpd would latch on to something to be angry at and that was my focus. yesterday, i would get angry and then my rational brain would say, 'suzie that is not right, you can't be angry like this it doesn't make sense.' then i would cry for being that angry at my children, they were the only ones around. then it would flare back up again.

my ptsd therapist gave me some grounding techniques to practice, and i forgot to use them yesterday. i am better today. i am not alone either. i am grateful today. i can breathe. relax. i am ok today.

thanks for stopping by.

today's thought; "Facing it, always facing it, that is the way to get through. Face it." Joseph Conrad