Saturday, September 25, 2010

manic day

yesterday was so emotional for me. i couldn't shake it. i spent half the day crying, the other half screaming in rage. i wished someone was here to help me, but no one came.

i kept telling myself there was no reason to yell at my babies, then i would break down crying. in the past i would find one thing to focus my anger on and i didn't even know it. like the time i decided i was leaving Wes and packed the girls up in the van but had no where to go. it was the same thing but it had no focus. i kept derailing it and i would end up on the couch crying.

i am just trying to make sense of this. i know now that i have borderline personality disorder. i also have post traumatic stress disorder. i am in therapy for both. so today i can recognise the symptoms as they arise. but i do not know what to do with them. even though this blog is on the Internet it feels so safe for me to use it as an outlet.

the tools i learned in therapy helped me some yesterday but i still went through a living hell. my thoughts were black and angry. i thought about suicide and leaving and how i was all alone and no one understood me. i called Wes at work to try to calm down and it helped. i wanted to ask him to come home so i was not alone but he has to work and that was not something i thought was an option. not realistic. so my rational brain is starting to function, because i was thinking rational thoughts during this crisis. never had that happen before. the difference between someone who has bipolar disorder and someone with borderline personality disorder (bpd) is that someone with bipolar disorder they cycle similar to this but it lasts for weeks or months. with bpd it lasts a few hours to a day or two. and when i read that it described me perfectly.

today i am much better. last night i cried in the shower and when Wes came home he asked me to call my therapist and my sponsor, and i listened. that was a first. so i know this therapy is working. i called them both and left messages. my therapist called me back. she told me with all the extensive therapy i am doing there are going to be days when i feel flooded like this. it used to be i was irrationally angry at something someone said. my bpd would latch on to something to be angry at and that was my focus. yesterday, i would get angry and then my rational brain would say, 'suzie that is not right, you can't be angry like this it doesn't make sense.' then i would cry for being that angry at my children, they were the only ones around. then it would flare back up again.

my ptsd therapist gave me some grounding techniques to practice, and i forgot to use them yesterday. i am better today. i am not alone either. i am grateful today. i can breathe. relax. i am ok today.
thanks for stopping by.

today's thought; "Facing it, always facing it, that is the way to get through. Face it." Joseph Conrad


kristi said...

Hopefully today is a better day for you!

Eaton Bennett said...

Hugs to you...I can't possibly know exactly what you're experiencing. But I do understand, somehow I do. I'm glad you're not alone today, least I think it's today. Being in Australia confuses me about the time difference. But I want you to know I think you're incredibly brave and you're in my prayers. :))

Brian Miller said...

i hope that today is a much better day for you ...and glad you reached out to the help that you need...thoughts and prayers...

Andrew said...

Thinking of you and wishing you and yours all the best.

With much Love.

Ms Hen said...

This sound so HEALING and Positive...

I'm glad you feel safe to get it all out too.

Mama Zen said...

I hope that today is better for you. The fact that you were able to listen and call your therapist and sponsor is huge. Don't discount that you're making progress.


Dulce said...

Lady dear,
Who said life was easy?
Not me- for sure!!! (lol)

There are those times when we cannot bear life's burdens any more and so we cry... and we cry, I guess, because we have demanded too much to ourselves... it's good to get rid of it , if only by means of tears, and think about it and forgive ourselves and be grateful... and know that everything is gonna be ok.
I am glad you are here to tell us


Busy Bee Suz said...

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time...but today is a new day, glad you are feeling better.
Hugs, Suz

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Glad you found the willingness to contact your sponsor and therapist.

Hope you're finding today a much more positive experience.

Syd said...

Some days the flood of feelings just come and overwhelm. I am glad that you were able to reach out and ask for help. And that the overwhelming feelings passed.