Wednesday, October 28, 2009

surrendering my self

well i cheated myself last night, it was birthday night and without thinking i had a piece of cake!!
today i am having some 7 grain toast with my grillers, my thoughts on this are simple, i do not want to toss out an entire loaf of bread that i took out last weekend and did not have any. today i am hitting the gym now that my girls fevers are finally gone.

here's the thing, i asked Wes about this diet again and he is driving me nuts!! now he says eating cheeses are too much fat, well what the heck am i allowed to eat then!! i have definitely cut my intake down, as of last week i lost 3 pounds i will find out if i have lost any more today. now i have told myself i would indulge on the weekends and i have not. tomorrow is "A's" sweet sixteen and we cannot afford much but i will be having a piece of cake with my daughter. I don't know what i am doing or if i am doing anything right. i know i do not have high blood pressure so i can have some salt, i do not have diabetes so i should be allowed some bread, i do not like to eat eggs everyday, i just don't. so i need to allow myself something.

This is something out of the Just for Today Meditation from October 27..

For many of us, the past is like a bad dream. Our lives aren’t the same any more, but we still have fleeting, highly charged emotional memories of a really uncomfortable past. The guilt, fear, and anger that once dominated us may spill into our new life, complicating our efforts to change and grow.

I have my past sometimes creep up into my present and sometimes i don't even recognize when this happens. Sometimes i feel like i am not doing enough, enough for my family or for my home or enough just to be good enough. then i get stuck, this has been my M.O. for years, well my whole life really. and when i get stuck i allow all the other bad thoughts to swirl in my head. The literature always speaks to me, the NA literature. So i know by reading on that it also tells me that the steps are the key to unlocking these patterns and freeing myself of this chain. So why do i take so long on something that only helps me? it is like i am stuck on stupid and cannot find the willingness to move forward with my steps. i am on 7 and last year for my birthday i had just finished step 6 so i have been working on this for almost a year now!! OK so today, now that i am writing this down, today i will work on my stepwork. i will post about it tomorrow so that i give myself a deadline. i need to do this or i just won't.

another thing that gets me in this funk is not having a gratitude list, which i have not posted one all week so here is my gratitude list to keep me in today;

1. today i am grateful for the willingness to move forward on my steps.
2. today i am grateful an addict reached out to me this week.
3. today i am grateful Halloween is this weekend!!
4. today i am grateful for my beautiful children, who wake me up at night just so i can hold them.
5. today i am grateful for the time to cuddle with these two little sweet hearts.
6. today i am grateful my "A" doesn't know she is getting anything for her birthday, it is getting harder and harder to surprise her each year.
7. today i am grateful for the gift of family i have been blessed with.
8. today i am grateful for the ability to let go of my past, so it doesn't affect my relationship now.
9. today i am grateful we choose to be healthy and have a healthy lifestyle for our children.
10. today i am grateful i do not know how to make a mousse. well not really but i am glad that i did not get upset with the slop that came from my feeble attempt yesterday.

We were getting ready for birthday night and i wanted to make a sugar free, carb free dessert and i had this recipe for lemon mousse. it called for cooking the lemon part very similar to a pie filling but no corn starch. then you needed to make a meringue and fold the cooled part in it. then make some whipped cream and fold that in the mix and viola! well my first part of cooking the egg yolks, butter and lemon, it was not smooth it was curdled. then the meringue, that was good i made that good so i mixed the lemon part in but it wasn't cooled enough i think. then it kind of fell, i am not sure how to fold food. then i tried to make the whipped cream and it started to turn into butter!! so not wanting butter i tried to fold that into the falling meringue mix, it fell more. then i thought if i beat it a little more maybe it would fluff up. nope, it looked like snotty goop. it tasted good though!! Wes loved the flavor!! this recipe called for splenda as well so it was completely sugar free. The old me would have been cussing and screaming for this not working, yesterday i just laughed.

I really appreciate all your kind thoughts from Tuesdays post. that was one of the most difficult times in my life, and there are many more horror stories i could have put in, this was a daily ordeal. but thinking about that time really scares me. and it is not like i try to not remember, it is my past that got me where i am, i just try not to be there. if that makes sense. so i need to bathe my girls and take them out for the morning, i hope you all have a wonderful hump-day!! we are going to try on our costumes for a trunk-or-treat tonight. they are going to look so cute!!! so here is today's thought;"Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination."

--Roy M. Goodma


Nessa said...

Congratulations on losing 3 pounds. That's great for 1 week.

Wordless Wednesday - Now That's Scary

Gin said...

The healthier you eat the less you will feel that you want to indulge. Of course, every now and then who doesn't enjoy a piece of cake! I am so happy for you and proud of you! You are a source of encouragement. Can't wait to hear the latest numbers once you weigh!

Steve E. said...

Yep, I guess I have to remember it is my crappy history which allowed me to get here...

You wrote: (half-quote...)

"Remember that happiness is a way of travel

I could have swore it was "Travel is a way to happiness!"...or some such.


Busy Bee Suz said...

I hope A has a nice birthday...remember they always seem to want 'things'...but what they need is us. Spend time with her, talk, laugh. That is what makes memories. Something else that would be fun is to make a time capsule on her birthday. Some recent pictures, letters to her from the family and a letter from her to HER. Save it for years and then open it again. I love that idea.
Hugs, Suz

Syd said...

What you write about going back into the past and being there is difficult. I wrote about some of that today and it made my stomach knot again.

Susan at Stony River said...

"Stuck on stupid" made me laugh out loud -- all of us who've lived past childhood knows exactly what's that like, you're not alone!

If you're losing any weight at all and feeling healthy, you're doing FINE! Three pounds lost is great. Nobody's perfect, nobody. Who can resist just a *little* cake?!

Happy Birthday to A!! Sweet sixteen, wow, the years fly. My oldest will be 20 next summer...weird.

Chic Mama said...

Happy Birthday to A for tomorrow, a big milestone for you both. :0)

ChaiLatte said...

Congrats on the 3 lbs. gone! Your post the other day brought tears to my eyes- absolutely you don't want to "live" there, mentally. Have a great Halloween with your girls! Your gratitude lists are the best!

Patrick said...

Three pounds is great, keep at it. I think the key to healthy eating is sensibility. Sensible portions, sensible foods, and don't deprive yourself. Healthy foods are abundant - tuna in water, broiled or baked turkey/chicken, ground turkey, whole grain bread in moderation, steamed veggies. If you can, stay away from processed foods, sugars, mayo, butter, salt. When in the grocery store try to make most of your selections around the perimeter of the store...produce, fresh meats and dairy, etc. Try to eat smaller meals through out the day, but not late in the evening. It is possible to eat healthy, enjoy what you eat, and not feel deprived or starved. Best wishes!