Thursday, October 15, 2009

thursday thoughts

having a really rough time today, my kids are eating pancakes and i want to take a bite so badly it feels like an urge to use dope!! is that totally insane.

oh and the Harlem Globe Trotters are coming to town and there is no way we can afford to take our kids, i don't know why but this is something i really, really want to take my kids to and it is so disappointing that we cannot afford to go.

i need to go to the school and pick up "A's" homework and go to the gym, but first i need breakfast and all i want are pancakes!! i don't have any thing for breakfast that isn't a carb!! i need to go to the store.

i found a phone in meeting yesterday and it was good to share, seems like i have been quarantined for a month now. but my Haley broke her fever yesterday and she is feeling much better, "A" has a lot of fluid on her chest and is still in a lot of pain. by Monday the two of them are cleared to leave the house.

i will be going to the gym with the bean, who is still not sick!! and then we will stop by the school. i have been very much struggling with finishing getting my daycare license. if i file and the surveyor comes out and sees things wrong i will only have 5 days to comply, as slow as we are to get things done, i would like to have everything done now, but Wes is so busy with school and i really need his help with the things i feel i will be marked down on that we are stuck. i will call today and see what else i can do, i may be able to get the fire inspection done anyway, he is not the surveyor, even though the girls at class said it has to be ready like you are going to open the next day. so today i move forward, i need to start making money.

it really makes me jealous of my brother and sister who live by the seat of their pants, my brother just took a trip to Colorado, he has no job, and lives on someones couch, pays no bills, he is a mooch, my sister just got back from New York and Mexico and now just rented a vehicle to go to Fort Jackson South Carolina to see her daughter graduate from boot camp and i can't afford to take my family to see the Harlem Globe Trotters. Sometimes this penny pinching really sucks, but without an income how can i say we need to go, we don't it is a really strong want.
my mother took us to see them when we were little, we got to see them a couple of times, she got tickets from her boss at work, i asked Wes if he would ask his boss about the company getting tickets and he just rolled his eyes. i never, never ask for things like this and i don't want to go to this without my kids. i have some very wonderful memories with my mother and this is something that i would love to take the kids to. i know Wes doesn't understand because he doesn't have these kind of memories with his mother, it is the same with Christmas and holidays that he thinks i blow out of proportion. this is the magic i remember from my childhood and i want to share this with my children, unfortunately tickets for the event will be 80 bucks a piece and times that by 5 and we're talking about a house payment.
ok so here is my gratitude list and then i need to eat something;

1. today i am grateful my mother was able to give us the memories i have today.
2. today i am grateful i have not strayed from my diet.
3. today i am grateful for the hope that this time it will work.
4. today i am grateful for my recovery and my life.
5. today i am grateful my children are feeling better.

today i choose to be healthy, i will not cave to my carb cravings. i will focus on my solutions, and will be productive, i will not be able to be on the computer until this evening to post for Friday. for today's thought; "Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."- Dorothy Thompson


Gin said...

It WILL work! The first few weeks are the hardest, but it WILL get easier and you will want to continue because you will feel better! Great going!

Syd said...

Hang in there with the diet. You're doing well. Have a great day.

Ms Hen said...

One day at a time...

And you are already giving so much to your children. You are a terrific MOMMY..


Patrick said...

I hope there is another opportunity to see them.

No carbs? Are you eating egg whites for breakfast? No carbs is a tough one, hang in there!

Prayer Girl said...

I remember a time many years ago. I was newly sober, separated, no money. I took my very young daughter to the "Swamp Buggy Races". We were so excited - she and I had never seen them. Then I saw the cost of the tickets and we had to turn around and leave. It was heartbreaking, but we managed to regroup and recover.

Love and prayers to you and yours,

Mama Zen said...

I know exactly what you mean about creating memories for your children. Just remember that you ARE. It doesn't have to be the Globetrotters. But, I know how you feel.

kberman said...

You will get there with your license. You are on the right track. Just get doing a few things everyday. To help feel the accomplishment, I use clipboard with list of what needs to be done for a project. I have several clipboards that I use for different projects. It really helps to get it all out of your head.
Try to find 15 minutes for you and just be still. "Be still and know that I am God." Love, Kathy