monday's thoughts

This is my daddy. I miss him very much. He had diabetes and he never managed it. In fact we would dose up his insulin that he had to take 4 times a day and have them in cups in the refrigerator. We would hound him after meals to take his medication, he would grab one out of the fridge and wave it over his head as he was heading downstairs saying "I got my insulin, see". After he died, we went downstairs to where he watched TV to gather up his things and we found about 20 of those syringes, filled with insulin, hidden under the couch. My whole family has diabetes, my brother, my sister, my mother even had it. My sister is just like her father, she doesn't manage her health well at all. Of this I am completely powerless.

However that is not why I wanted to show you a picture of my dear old dad. I was taking pictures this weekend of his grand daughters and we were having some chocolate pudding. I just couldn't help but notice the resemblance between my daddy and the bean, see ...

Apparently she didn't like the coconut so she was spitting it out.

Then she blew me a kiss.

But I think she definitely looks a bit like grandpa here!!! She has his eyes, and beard!! My daddy always wore a beard. he was a pirate!! he even had a tattoo of a belly dancer on his forearm and when he flexed, she would dance!! My daddy was my best freind and I have been thinking about him a lot. The anniversary of his death is coming up and that may very well have something to do with this. I smile a lot when I think of him, I used to be so very angry that he was gone, today it is my lesson to take care of me, so that I may be here to see my babies have their babies. He is missing a lot.

So I went to the gym today and had one hell of a workout. i checked my weight and I lost two pounds in a week that i have been dieting, so I think I may finally be doing the right thing for myself!! I had some pasta on Saturday and some Chocolate pudding on Sunday. I still used portion control, in fact on Sunday i wanted a snack and I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with chocolate milk. This time i had some chocolate milk and was plenty full!! That was something for me as my appetite is huge.Now i am back to no carbs during the week and allowing myself to look forward to some on the weekend. I have been in such denial over what i eat that it caused me to actually gain 10 pounds over the summer!! When I weighed myself when i first started this diet and exercise I was up to 225!!! This is what is going on with our country!! I mean i have friends who are bigger then me who claim not to eat much, they never eat much they say!! I used to say the same damn thing!! No it was I eat healthy food!! It didn't occur to me not to over eat!! That even if the food was healthy if I over eat it is still going to make me gain weight. So i feel pretty good i ate a couple of eggs and some veggie burger for breakfast, i had some tuna, no mayo, with romaine lettuce and tomato for lunch. I am drinking more water, my main problem today is not getting to my food diary. This is an issue because it is so very easy to slip and take an extra helping of food at meal time. So two pounds is huge for me because i wasted an entire summer working out and did not lose but 3 pounds in 3 months!! 2 pounds in a little over a week is fantastic!! Great motivator.
ok so my gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful i have stuck with my diet so far and lost 2 pounds!!
2. today i am grateful for a meeting tonight!!
3. today i am grateful the fire marshal will come this week!!
4. today i am grateful we got the ladder hung up in the garage finally!!
5. today i am grateful for the beautiful weather we have today!!
6. today i am grateful for the fact that I have beautiful Halloween lights up on my porch.
7. today i am grateful for the memories of my father.
8. today i am grateful for my willingness to surrender.

I have so many reasons to be grateful today and i feel really good that I am moving forward on my daycare. I have been afraid of not finishing things, that has been my M.O. my whole life. today I am making great strides to accomplish things to put my family in a better place. all the good intentions in the world mean squat if i don't follow them with some action. that is where i am at today, i am taking action to put myself in a better place in life. for todays thought; "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman