Monday, October 19, 2009

monday's thoughts

This is my daddy. I miss him very much. He had diabetes and he never managed it. In fact we would dose up his insulin that he had to take 4 times a day and have them in cups in the refrigerator. We would hound him after meals to take his medication, he would grab one out of the fridge and wave it over his head as he was heading downstairs saying "I got my insulin, see". After he died, we went downstairs to where he watched TV to gather up his things and we found about 20 of those syringes, filled with insulin, hidden under the couch. My whole family has diabetes, my brother, my sister, my mother even had it. My sister is just like her father, she doesn't manage her health well at all. Of this I am completely powerless.

However that is not why I wanted to show you a picture of my dear old dad. I was taking pictures this weekend of his grand daughters and we were having some chocolate pudding. I just couldn't help but notice the resemblance between my daddy and the bean, see ...

Apparently she didn't like the coconut so she was spitting it out.

Then she blew me a kiss.

But I think she definitely looks a bit like grandpa here!!! She has his eyes, and beard!! My daddy always wore a beard. he was a pirate!! he even had a tattoo of a belly dancer on his forearm and when he flexed, she would dance!! My daddy was my best freind and I have been thinking about him a lot. The anniversary of his death is coming up and that may very well have something to do with this. I smile a lot when I think of him, I used to be so very angry that he was gone, today it is my lesson to take care of me, so that I may be here to see my babies have their babies. He is missing a lot.

So I went to the gym today and had one hell of a workout. i checked my weight and I lost two pounds in a week that i have been dieting, so I think I may finally be doing the right thing for myself!! I had some pasta on Saturday and some Chocolate pudding on Sunday. I still used portion control, in fact on Sunday i wanted a snack and I used to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with chocolate milk. This time i had some chocolate milk and was plenty full!! That was something for me as my appetite is huge.Now i am back to no carbs during the week and allowing myself to look forward to some on the weekend. I have been in such denial over what i eat that it caused me to actually gain 10 pounds over the summer!! When I weighed myself when i first started this diet and exercise I was up to 225!!! This is what is going on with our country!! I mean i have friends who are bigger then me who claim not to eat much, they never eat much they say!! I used to say the same damn thing!! No it was I eat healthy food!! It didn't occur to me not to over eat!! That even if the food was healthy if I over eat it is still going to make me gain weight. So i feel pretty good i ate a couple of eggs and some veggie burger for breakfast, i had some tuna, no mayo, with romaine lettuce and tomato for lunch. I am drinking more water, my main problem today is not getting to my food diary. This is an issue because it is so very easy to slip and take an extra helping of food at meal time. So two pounds is huge for me because i wasted an entire summer working out and did not lose but 3 pounds in 3 months!! 2 pounds in a little over a week is fantastic!! Great motivator.
ok so my gratitude list;
1. today i am grateful i have stuck with my diet so far and lost 2 pounds!!
2. today i am grateful for a meeting tonight!!
3. today i am grateful the fire marshal will come this week!!
4. today i am grateful we got the ladder hung up in the garage finally!!
5. today i am grateful for the beautiful weather we have today!!
6. today i am grateful for the fact that I have beautiful Halloween lights up on my porch.
7. today i am grateful for the memories of my father.
8. today i am grateful for my willingness to surrender.

I have so many reasons to be grateful today and i feel really good that I am moving forward on my daycare. I have been afraid of not finishing things, that has been my M.O. my whole life. today I am making great strides to accomplish things to put my family in a better place. all the good intentions in the world mean squat if i don't follow them with some action. that is where i am at today, i am taking action to put myself in a better place in life. for todays thought; "Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."- Howard Thurman


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

Oh she is precious!!! Woohoo for you with the weight loss!! Love the gratitude list also, keep up the good work.

Chic Mama said...

Ahhhh, Bean is gorgeous and yes she does look like your father.
I'm so pleased your diet is going well. It's so easy to 'forget' what we've eaten isn't it. Food diaries are great.
Everytime I write a 'self indulgent' post ( which the last two have most definitely been) I think of you....I feel a little guilty because you are SO grateful for everything. You put me to shame and I am working on it but ranting 'out loud' helps me. You certainly have a lot to be grateful for today, wonderful list. Take care.x

Patrick said...

Oh, yes, the little one's beard. :-)

Love the gratitude list, and keep up the healthy eating and working out! If calories in are less than calories out (from exercise and such) you are bound to lose more.

Best wishes!

Mama Zen said...

She does look like your dad!

Congratulations on two pounds!

Steve E. said...

I see again that we can be grateful for so many things, so many little things.

I used to think anything less than a death, a birth, a wedding, the big stuff, etc., could not be worthy od gratitude. how that has changed. Grateful for the air we breath....

GooooooD post Clean and Crazy!


Gin said...

She does look a lot like your Dad!!! She is too cute! This was a beautiful tribute to your Dad.

I am so happy for you and your weight loss! It feels good doesn't it? Not just because of the weight, but also because you are getting healthier every day!

Keep it up girl! I'm rootin' for ya!

Susan at Stony River said...

Your Dad's a cutie! I love his photo--and seeing how like him your daughter is, especially with the pudding-beard!

I miss my Dad too; he had cancer and died over 20 years ago, but I love him more every year that goes by. My son is *just* like him in so many ways; they would have had a blast together, and my son would have been so lucky, so amazingly lucky to have such a Grandad.

Oh well. We go on. I'm glad you're going on so well, with the weight loss and gratitude and beautiful kids!

74WIXYgrad said...

At first I thought this post should have been subtitled "Attention Cliff" and having to take extra care of yourself due to diabetes can be frustrating, no matter how little you have to do.

And weight loss can sometimes be a lonely struggle and you have to be careful who you tell about your losses, as some have this habit of trivializing it. I think it's wonderful that you lost 2 pounds. Keep up the good work.

Ms Hen said...

She is adorable. Your father has such spirit.. :) Such an energy about him.

And don't beat yourself up... Love the Body you are in right now.. I read that in the book The Secret..

And think THIN... don't see yourself as overweight; see yourself as the thin person you are inside...

Healthy and vibrant..

To me thinness is about health; there are alot of thin women that are very unhealthy too; not getting their periods etc.. etc.

That is the wrong thinness...

You have a great healthy way of eating.. and the weight will come off..

You look beautiful just the way you are.. curves are beautiful.... but it is true that the more you weigh... the more weight on your joints and knees when you get in your 40s/50s/60s..

My aunt who had surgery .. it was harder to cut through more layers of fat etc..

I have to say the man I loved the most was very heavy.. he walked faster than me.. strong muscles.. but would get tired; he was so comfortable to hug.. but he died at 51.. heart problem and the weight made it worse.. so I don't date men that are overweight anymore.. that extra 80 pounds weight down an already weaken heart..

Men I met that are thin; when they broke a bone or hurt their back; healed faster.. they believe since less weight ..

I met people who are thin with diabetes.. it is genetic.. but the weight makes it worse..

I'm going to be rooting you on....... you are young.......... and gorgeous.. curvy and womanly..

But the weight removed will be a good thing for you when you are pushing 50 like me.. I have no choice but to stay thin; I gained 15 pounds and it weighed me down at this age; and I had to lose it. (more weight on my knees for instance.. I now have to lose 5 pounds that I regained.. I can feel my knees that always been delicate due to a minor injury; when I'm thin .. I feel no pain).

enjoy your day..

Syd said...

Good for you on the diet. You have the right idea--balance in food and in life. I like the remembrance of your dad. I hope that you will tell us more about him as the anniversary of his death comes up. Thanks for all that you write.

Nessa said...

You Dad looks like a jolly fellow and your daughter is adorable. I like the chocolate comparison. very cute.