i remember 5 years of hell. i remember a very dark time in my life. this memory has been jolted as i read a fellow blogger, who is much stronger then i was then, and she is going through some of what i went through at the end of my 5 year battle with this man.
it is hard to look back without having some thoughts of shoulda, coulda and woulda's. it is also hard with out getting those old feelings of worthlessness. recently, i received a letter from this man who had the nerve to ask me to go back to him. i was mortified, i had not heard anything from him in over 13 years and now this. my oldest daughter, "A" is his biological child. we left when she was 3 years old. back to the letter, he never once mentioned her, he didn't ask to see her or how she was doing, or if he could have a picture of her. she got wind of the letter and wanted to see it, this was before i had seen my sponsor to talk to her about this. we went to her counselor and i asked to speak with the therapist first. when i went in there i was hysterical, i was ranting about how bad our relationship was and my fears of what "A" would think when she read the letter. the counselor told me i was in classic PTSD mode, and i told her that was impossible it had been 13 years. i don't know all i knew was my "A" wanted to read that letter and no let me rephrase that, she needed to read that letter, if i did not let her she would think i was hiding him from her. it wasn't pretty. she was very angry, and jealous of me. she said to her counselor "he only wants her!! he doesn't even want me!! she took his baby away from him and he only wants her!!" the counselor tried to explain to "A" the seriousness of the situation in which we left him. i had never spoken to her how badly he treated me, i didn't want her to think she was a mistake. Everything and Anything that was ever good in that man, i have in her. i hoped one day he would change and they could speak again, but he has not changed, not one single bit.
I remember not being able to do anything right. i remember once getting mud on the carpet and he started to hit me, next thing i knew i saw blood, he bit my eye. i still have a small scar from that. i remember one time he was hitting me as i was trying to go up the stairs and i fell down, my dog bit him. bit his finger right down to the bone. he took off. i took the dog to a no kill shelter, in fear of his life. then he yelled at me saying i gave away the babies dog. i remember our dog bailey. she was the cutest little beagle pup, who had a teething problem. Captain stupid tried to fix that on night. it was horrible. the puppy had chewed up the tile in the bathroom. it was his fathers trailer. he started to beat on the dog, i was in the babies room holding her because she thought daddy was going to kill her dog. the dog was crying so much i thought so too. so i told the baby to stay there and i went in there to find him yanking her teeth out. I screamed at him and started hitting him, he turned around and knocked me smooth out. i remember him dragging me to the bed and grabbing a bat. i remember i couldn't move for 2 days after that. my entire back was beaten all the way down my legs. i recently found out i have osteoarthritis in my back from an injury, that was the only injury i have ever had on my back. i remember thinking he was going to kill me on several occasions when he would choke me until i was unconscious.
I remember trying to leave him, several times and i remember the cops bringing me back to him and him explaining how i was crazy and how i was bad to my daughter. i remember trying to get a PFA on him and how they told me i could only file once a year and i remember him not worried about it because it was just a piece of paper. i remember him going to jail and me packing some bags and taking my baby to the bus station to head to Wichita. he followed. i remember filing for a restraining order here, he called the DA's office before the court case. when we went there i remember them telling me they couldn't represent me because he called them and they counseled him and it would be a conflict of interest. i remember feeling defeated again. i remember a lady coming to me and telling me she would take my case pro-bono. i remember her telling me she is usually on the defendants side and how i lost it and screamed at her because she was just going to believe him, they always believed him. i remember her telling me calmy that it only meant that she knew both sides of the law very well. i remember she got him to sign off parental rights to his daughter, so he wouldn't have to pay child support, and put a restraining order on him for a year. I won, it was finally over, he left and I never heard from him again until last summer. This woman who helped me, turned out to be the President of the Womens Association of Attorneys in Wichita. She charged $1000.00 per hour and I had her all day for free. I got lucky. Women all over this country suffer at the hands of abusive men on a daily basis. I read so many stories like mine and I count my blessings.
the insane part of this is the mind set a woman gets when she is in a relationship like this. you feel like there is no way out, you feel like if you could just be a good girl and do everything right he won't get mad at you any more. the truth is the men who are like this are never satisfied. and some never get help. and women don't have enough support to turn to. the law is on the mens side. and these women who go crazy and just go back it is because they feel like little rats with now where else to turn and no one to help them. i remember one time at his mothers house, she was cleaning my face after he had hit me a few times and she told me "you know i have told him he shouldn't hit you so much, but you are such an instigator.." these men have such strong enablers, some of them pillars of the community. it is a hopeless situation and very difficult to leave. a lot of women never make it out. i was lucky. so was my daughter. here is my thought for today; "When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."- Harriet Beecher Stowe
Say a prayer for those women lost in these situations, they are our sisters, mothers, aunts cousins and neighbors.