just some smiles for tuesday

just thought i would share some gratitude today. my girls loved playing in this balloon box i used to trick "A" on her sweet 16. she really wanted a camera and i didn't want her to know she was getting one so i had it put into a gift balloon. she had no clue what it was and when she took the wrapping paper off all she could see was the flowers inside the balloon.
here is my bean giggling, her giggle makes me laugh so hard. she decided to get herself dressed yesterday and she put her pj top on a pair of undies over her pull up and her socks and shoes on and told me she was ready to go by-by now. i about died laughing she is too cute.
here is bean and daddy, they are so cute together, she looks just like him!! they each have the same odd ears. one ear has 2 flaps and the other has one. it is like mismatched ears!! i will try to get pictures of them to show it is the coolest thing.
ain't she just too cute for words, she is getting so darn big, it breaks my heart because she isn't a little baby any more.

i went to a meeting last night and it was on step ten. there were some great questions to ask yourself when doing a daily inventory and i never thought about it well because i have never gotten that far yet, i am still on step 8. i am in the remedial program i have taken my time to be very thorough in my steps, i remind myself it is in God's time and not my time.

i get discouraged you know sometimes when i go to meetings and here members talk about working the steps and they have done them all, then i see how they really live and most of them don't apply the principles of recovery in their daily lives and it is sad and it reminds me that i am doing alright.

i have come to a realization that step 8 is exactly where i need to be right now, it is about making amends and getting rid of useless guilt. i know i carry a lot of it when it comes to my "A", and i get very angry when trying to communicate with her and be her mother and she tries to push me away. it is like the only time she wants me to be there is when i am her friend and i know that is my fault, i abandoned her to my addiction and while it has been 5 years she chooses to be angry with me. i try to detach and allow her to be herself and if she wants her pain i need to let it be and not force my will on her. so it is a struggle and i am working on it. it is my reaction to her that i need to work on it is like i take it personal and then get very angry. i don't want to get angry, but i have my buttons and my baby knows exactly where they are.

so my hope is in step 8 that i find the awareness and willingness to let go of my past, i cannot change it yet i am continuing to get angry and really i am not angry with her i am angry with me. so as of yet the only thing i can find positive about this is that i have these 2 beautiful babies who have never known me high, and there is my "A" who has and that is what will happen to them if i do go back out.

back to my daily set of questions, the 2nd sentence in the basic text on step ten says; "If we do not stay aware of our defects, they can drive us into a corner that we can't get out of clean."
that is such a powerful statement today. i know when i start getting angry with my children and i find myself snapping at them, those are my character defects, they want me to feel guilty and angry at myself. so here are a couple of the questions i am going to make a pretty poster and hang it up on my wall to look at and stay aware of so i can spot inventory myself, since i have never gotten in the habit of it this may help. "Is there a knot, big or small, in our gut?" "Do we feel uncomfortable about the day we've just finished?" "What happened?" "What was our part in the affair?" "Do we owe any amends?" "If we could do it over again, what would we do differently?"
"What has given us satisfaction today?" "Were we productive? Responsible? Kind? Loving?" "Did we give unselfishly of ourselves?" "Did we fully experience the love and beauty the day offered us?" "What did we do today that we would want to do again?"

I think looking at these questions will help me to stay in the moment each day and keep me on track with my recovery. i am grateful for the tools i have and the willingness to use them today. this leaves me with todays thought;
"Break the anger habit. It is a waste of valuable energy to rail against adverse events. Stuff happens. Get over it and move on."-Sibyl Mclendon