Tuesday, January 5, 2010


so we went to therapy tonight and she tells me that i have some serious symptoms of ADHD. but this doesn't come up until the session ends.
she says it has to do with me not staying focused and how i always change the subject. sometimes when Wes is talking to me i miss his conversation because my mind drifts elsewhere. i didn't know this was ADHD i thought i was just an addict. my sponsor calls me the queen of distraction because i always change the subject. this is something i work very hard on, i am aware of it and i always thought that it was part of my 'flooding' problem and with my 'triggers' when arguing with Wes.

i am aware that sometimes when he says things a certain way it takes me back to captain stupid, i know this and this is what therapy is for right, i mean now instead of ptsd it is adhd and maybe i need emdr and i don't know maybe next time we will find more letters to play with.

my point is she scared me and i hate it when they wait until the end of the session to bring something up because now it is eating my lunch!! it is not even bothering her!! but now i am like thinking, ' i don't want pills!!' can't we just work on this the way i have been!! so this is me surrendering...

i always, always said i was grateful i found recovery before they caught me. 'they' being the psychotherapists!!! i knew i would end up in a straight jacket with a hundred different anxiety meds, no wonder they wanted to put "A" on prozac she is my daughter!! and now what about haley, my precious haley who has her mothers temper tantrums!! i don't want her diagnonensed with adhd in school and forced on meds!!

ok now that i got that out of my system, i still don't know what to think, i can't do anything about what i heard but i am still swirling it in my head and it is making my anxiety level go through the roof 3 days before elvis's birthday and this is what i need. lord save me from another using dream tonight!!!

ok so on the good side of the session i went over trying to stay 'mindful' and it was our homework and we did real well and i will continue to practice just being right here and not in the future where i can imagine my 4 year old at 10 and being drugged because of her behavioral problems... come back suzie, come back!!

ok stop see i do have adhd oh my gosh!! this is where the serenity prayer comes in handy. really really handy. do you or anyone you know have these initials attached to them, how do they manage?

you know today haley and i worked on our anger together and not once did i put her in the corner and the bean went to the potty all day it was really progressive for us and tomorrow we are heading to the gym. yay us!! exercise helps me stay happy, i need happy thoughts, i will take my fish oil and vitamins as they help me focus and i will work on my step work as it keeps me grounded, if this means that my brain needs more structure to focus and it is harder for me to work on it then others i am ok with working on it myself. that is where i am at today. gratitude list please;
1. today i am grateful for my pewter butterfly my sponsor gave me, she told me to rub it when i get anxiety and when i rub the word off i can go into panic mode. the word on it is 'relax'
2. today i am grateful to have an open mind to allow myself to accept my emotional imperfections as well as my physical ones.
3. today i am grateful for 1,823 days of continuous clean time, that breaks down to 4 years, 23 months and 28 days, but who's counting!!
4. today i am grateful for the fellowship of narcotics anonymous and the relations i have made and mended
5. today i am grateful for Jimmy K.
6. today i am grateful for my god box, it is flimsy and ugly and my tangible lifeline to my higher power.
7. today i am grateful for my mother
8. today i am grateful for my children
9. today i am grateful for fresh coffee and my exquisite roaster!!
10. today i am grateful for my blogging buddies.

todays thought; "To swear off making mistakes is very easy. All you have to do is swear off having ideas."- Leo Burnett


Michelle Dawn said...

Well I'll start with congrats on your length of sobriety. As for the ADHD I swear I have it at times and I've been told my son has it but I have refused meds for him and he fine now.

Kim A. said...

Oh, my brain and yours must be distant relatives. I overthink, overanalyze, and my brain works so much faster than my mouth that sometimes I say thinks that make sense to me but leave the other person wondering what they missed.

The slogans help me to slow down and just breathe when I get like this.

thanks for your sharing today


Busy Bee Suz said...

Deep Breaths Suzi. Try to take in one thing at a time. ADHD is common, and it won't control your life if you don't let it. As far as the temper tantrums...they live by example. If Mom/Dad can take things as they are and not flip out, then the kids will follow suit.
Good luck, Suz

Shadow said...

i've also got adhd, and i know that speeding mind, the speeding thoughts, the interruptions, the not sitting still, the chasing what???? and adhd do unfortunately tend toward addiction. but, ba humbug, once i knew all this, which you do now, you can do something about it. don't worry about pills too much. i don't take anything for it. somehow knowing what it is made me feel 'better' about how i am. it's not something i do, it's something that just is. google it, and learn the tricks of living with it...

Ms Hen said...

You might not have to take medication for ADHD. You might look online about other Holistic Choices. (even if it turns out you don't have it or only have it mildly.. certain foods are better to eat than others I heard for this).

You are a wonderful woman and mommy.

Hugs about the Dreams. Make sure you put yourself first each day. Make time for meetings. I know there are Phone Bridge Meetings. I keep the Al-Anon ones on Speaker as I do other things around the house. I'm sure there are NA meetings.. you can keep them on Speaker or tune in if you don't want anyone else to hear. And listen and get added support in times when it is cold.

Syd said...

ADHD is something that I have read quite a bit about. I don't have it but a good friend does. He has rages, gets distracted, zones out, is unmotivated, and tends to hyperfocus on something and then lose interest. There are some good books to read on it. I think that it is one of those things that requires behavioral changes as medication isn't always advised, especially for those with any addiction problems. There are some compelling statistics that indicate a strong correlation for those with ADHD and alcoholism/addiction.
I find that when I read about something, it becomes less scary for me. There are many brilliant individuals who have had ADHD.

clean and crazy said...

oh my gosh syd you just described me. yes i work on my rage issues a lot as you have read in this blog over the past year or so. this i guess is just me coming to an acceptance of who i am and where i am at. i think i prefer to work on it without medication though i think i will read up on it. thanks

Akelamalu said...

That's a terrible thing to do, telling you such a thing right at the end of your session. Leaving you to worry like this is disgraceful.

sarah said...

not sure what it would feel like to have adhd but we all got something the drives us nuts. lol. I love your gratitude list. sarah