Monday, August 31, 2009

weekend update

just recovering from a weekend of emotions and lively functions. i shared my story friday night and couldn't tell you what i said, i never remember what i share. i think it was ok i had someone come up to me after the meeting and ask for my phone number and someone make amends to me after a two year hiatus of not speaking.
i am not sure but i think my garden is doing better, i will get some new pictures up soon. i planted two new kinds of radishes and i marked when they are supposed to be harvested. i have a huge bowl of tomatoes and am going to look up some recipes for canning, i would like some diced with onions and garlic and i think that will hold through the winter. i have about a dozen in the bowl and tons more out in the garden. my watermelon is starting up again. hope does float, and i hope to have some watermelon before the end of summer. i have broccoli and cabbage and some cauliflower going and so far so good, they have been treated with some organic stuff to keep the caterpillars off them. i still have one cantaloupe that has not been stolen so hopefully i will be able to pick that too, and my butternut squash is getting some growth. i have about a hundred jalapenos and i need a recipe for canning them in slices like in the stores too. my carrot patch is finally showing some carrot tops!! but i tried to pull one and it broke, any suggestions on harvesting my carrots would be wonderful.
on another note, i went to lowes and got 50 dollars worth of fire alarms and then a friend gave me what i needed so i took them back for store credit. i did this because i want to paint my living room and the girls' room. they have fairies on the walls and the fairies are putting flowers on hand painted vines that are crawling up the walls. did it my self, but it is time to come down i will post pictures before and after to show my projects. wes said he could not think of anything we would need to get at lowes, and i told him i could!! so i am excited about that and now i need to come up with a name for my daycare and start marketing and doing interviews, so that along with stepwork is going to keep me really busy.
i have made it to the gym everyday for the last couple of weeks, i have yet to go today as the girls fell asleep on me so i will go after lunch and get some chores done here first, blogging being on the top of the list, and hopefully tonight i can check out how everyone else is doing. gratitude list it has been a while so here goes;
1. today i am grateful for my recovery and the life it has given me.
2. today i am grateful for the level of honesty i am willing to share with others.
3. today i am grateful for my little girls, and my big girls.
4. today i am grateful for the relationship i have with wes.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to learn to communicate what is going on with me.
6. today i am grateful for my sense of security.
7. today i am grateful that i have lost the desire to use.
8. today i am grateful to live with in my means.
9. today i am grateful for my friends in recovery.
10. today i am grateful to be alive and well.

i have spent this week and the last weekend thinking of all the blessings life has offered me and about how i finally took the steps to accept them and my self. it is an ongoing process and i know i will be in a bad space from time to time, but i never ever have to use drugs to get through any situation life has to offer. that is a good feeling and though i am not a church goer this is a testament of faith and of a higher power. there is a beautiful new song out and i will leave a link here for you to listen i love both these artists very much and for them to get together to collaborate on such a piece is just beautiful. the words are very appropriate i hope you enjoy it!!
kennyand dave

for todays thought;"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional
acceptance of life and what it brings."-
--Arthur Rubinstein

Friday, August 28, 2009

getting over it

Every Friday write a short story, poem or limerick of 55 words, no more, no less
and report it to the g-man. you can check out everyone else's 55 too.

"I have spent the last few days allowing my amarulence try to
pessundate my recovery. I have not had time to blog or comment as much
as I would like. It seems I have put an operiment on any
communication. Seeing as I need a meeting my higher power
has chosen to let me speak!"

a friend called me today and asked me to share my story, so tonight i will go to a meeting and it will be all about me. i need to share anyway and when i haven't been for a while i usually take up too much time so this way i won't be taking up too much time since it will be all my time. does this make me less nervous, i hope so i do not like to be controlling and that is why i get nervous. for now i need to go to the gym, it is the only constant in my life right now i have gone everyday for two weeks i hope to keep it up. thanks to the frugal hen for her version of the steps i think it really does help. the quilly words have links to the definitions in the dragons lair. if you haven't been by don't worry they don't bite. here ya go g-man, it is late and not too good but the words add up. i will stop by and check everyone else out at nap time..

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My Gratitude Speaks!!

In Loving Memory,
Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy
1932- 2009

there really is not much i can say about this man that isn't already being published out there nation wide. i do know that when i heard of his passing this morning i sobbed for a bit. i have felt that his endorsement of President Barack Obama really helped to get him elected. i admired how much he was there to support health care reform. this is something i have developed a passion for. today i am involved in service to my fellowship. i think about the service this man has done for this country, and i am sad to see him pass on to the next life. his service to his people and to our government is matched by no other politician, maybe that is why it is so hard for me to call him a politician, because he was of service and very few Senators and Congressmen can say the same. I've read today so much about this man and his accomplishments to this country and selflessness in his efforts. i remember the blemishes to his name, the scandals, the accident that left an aide dead, it reminds me of what i see in my fellowship of service members.

we too have blemishes on our records, things we will have to live with for the rest of our lives. we have step work to teach us how to make amends and to give back what was so freely given to us. i see a likeness to that of Senator Kennedy's service to this country. he had some failures and heartbreak and he still kept coming back and doing the next right thing. in doing so his little accomplishments added up; no other Senator has been able to cross the lines between democrat and republican as well as Kennedy and this type of service work has led to so much progress in our country and i think that is why he was known as the "Lion of the Senate" he played a major role in the civil rights act of '64; the voters rights act of '65 the list really does just go on. i read a story today about a Russian family who had an infant daughter with an eating disorder. basically this baby needed formula and none was available in the Soviet Union and of course everyone remembers the Iron Curtain. It was Senator Ted Kennedy who went to speak with the leaders of the country to ask that this family or at least this baby be given permission to defect from the country in order to survive. his patient efforts succeeded in getting this family to America and saving this child's life.
My thoughts are with the family of Senator Kennedy who served an unprecedented 46 years in the senate and it is with great honor that i dedicate this post to this man and all his work for this country. May he rest in peace.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

understanding humility

just a quick update, hopefully i can get back to my routine tomorrow and post a gratitude list. we ended up going to the emergency room last night as Wes had some chest pain and we got scared. luckily it was not what we thought and they took him off one medication he was taking for high blood pressure and get him started on a new medication. this new medication so far has worked great no issues today.
me i am exhausted we were at the hospital 'till 9 last night i left my shed open and the lawnmower out, just had time to mow the yard and that is when he started feeling problems so i did not get the gardening done until today and let me tell you today was so busy and Wes was actually real active and participating in the day. so this is really neat to see he is not worn out. my sisters husband got his pardon and came back from mexico and so we were going to meet at the Y. my plans were to go to the gym after breakfast, come back tend to my garden and garage. install my new tot locks go finish our grocery shopping and make dinner. mr. excitement decided that we were going to invite my sister and her family over and we were going to cook burgers for rey's welcome home.
so now my blood pressure is going up. i got things i need to get done on the weekend and now we are hosting a party with no groceries. ok so we went and got some groceries and made some burgers, dogs and corn on the cob and fresh slaw. then i put the kids and our new american resident to work in the garden then Wes came out and worked with us we pulled out all the dead cucumbers planted 24 new plants tilled the soil treated for blossom end rot, staked up the fallen tomato plants, eight of the twelve needed help. then we laid out the new soaker hoses since we don't have cucumbers anymore we needed to make sure they were where they would do the most good. I have new growth with my watermelons so hopefully they will grow better then the first ones i have 3 good looking cantaloupe and i still have tons of tomatoes they just haven't turned red yet. my green peppers and jalapenos are growing like mad and finally i got some more blood meal out there to keep the critters from eating my tomatoes. tomorrow i have to go get some BT i don't remember what it stands for but it is and organic worm fighter it gets rid of cole bugs so i will get this on my new fall crop i just planted and maybe even get some other starts for fall i have plenty of room in my garden and i know i don't want to see just a patch of dirt where i could be growing something. one thing about this garden is it may have not saved much money, maybe i even only broke even on it but i am good with that because growing is good. i was able to grow this magnificent garden and watch as some of it died but i am learning and so next year my cucumbers may last until fall. but i gotta say i gave away over a dozen cucumbers because there were just so many there.
as i waited in the hospital last night i pulled out the "It Works How and Why" book it is NA literature that goes over the steps and traditions since i am on seven i read that chapter and this is what stuck out to me; "we tried so hard to get it right. we were tired of our shortcomings. we were worn out from trying to manage and control them, and we wanted some relief. Oddly enough, this is precisely the attitude we hope to demonstrate in Step Seven, the attitude of humility. We admit defeat, recognize our limitations, and ask for help from the god of our understanding."- pg. 70 This is exactly where I am right now. i mean I am beaten and I cannot keep trying to control my anger or emotions or any of the compulsive behaviors, in fact I have been stuffing for quite some time like walking on eggshells trying to be mrs. perfect and I just am not ever going to be.
you know lately i have been feeling resentful of Wes. i feel like i cannot say what i need to say because then he'll go "what are you doing?" and he thinks i am just trying to pick a fight or uses that phrase to not hear what I am saying to him. i am resentful too because I am constantly working on this home, that he hates and he does not do anything but go to work, come home and use up time on the computer and watch tv. while i continue to cook bathe the kids brush their teeth read to them then laundry and he is just relaxing the whole time. you know i think this is what couples go through i mean imagine having two control freak addicts who know everything about the NA way of life and can completely manipulate it when we are having a bad day. but we try to work together and when i am completely off my rocker in a black rage of anger Wes always says "I'm not your enemy, we are on the same team." sometimes that is hard to see when ego gets in the way. this i know, i love him dearly, character defects and all. and yes we are on the same team and i think i need to get some step work done to sort some of my own anxiety out. i love our literature and how i don't want to always be a mess. sometimes though, i am going a hundred miles an hour and getting no where. i am going to slow down and do some step work and see where to go from here. i am grateful i never lost my cool all weekend though it felt like i was going to just pop if you pinched me. tomorrow it is just me and my girls, can't wait to be with them they are amazing. ok i gotta go just finished some of mamahollioni's granola if you don't know who she is just click on the link and you will be in love with her recipes just like me!! now i have to get some sleep. today's thought; "We may have difficulty with the notion of patience because our addiction accustomed us to instant gratification. But we've already been practicing the principles that make it possible for us to be patient. We simply need to expand on our Third Step decision to trust the God of our understanding with our will and our lives. If we only trusted that Power to a certain extent in Step Three, it's time to increase our trust." from the book "It Works, How and Why pg.71

Saturday, August 22, 2009

100 miles an hour down a one way street

this is what i am telling the committee in my head. gosh i can't believe it has been over a week since my last post and i missed friday's flash 55!! i need to get this out of my head though and then i gotta get something to eat. we were grocery shopping and Wes had a panic attack and checked his blood pressure and it was very high. so we left, didn't finish what we were doing just left and called the doctor. i cannot take the pressure of wondering if he is going to be OK it feels like a flashback of taking care of mom. i need a meeting and cannot seem to be able to get to one. i am trying so hard to finish getting this house ready for inspection i just need my fire alarms and i just bought 80 dollars worth of tot locks for the house to pass muster. now it is taking the time to put them on, meanwhile my yard needs work i need to tend my garden and the kids need lunch i haven't eaten if it wasn't for going to the gym every day this week my head probably would have popped!! I got this sign in an email and i am thinking that is what i need to do in my head, i am so overwhelmed with this and that and i can't seem to slow down and i am getting snappy at the kids and myself and i am bottling because i can't stress Wes out and i feel very isolated. Wes just checked his bp and it was normal so that is great but my head is telling me what does this mean i can't go get groceries because spending money stresses him out?!? OK i gotta go I don't have time to keep typing I just needed to vent and try to sort some thoughts to slow down, going outside to work on my poor garden, my cucumbers have all died, my tomatoes are heavy with fruit but not turning red and my lawn needs cut and i need to plant my broccoli and cauliflower and cabbage but have no BT to stop the caterpillars from killing them like they did my other plants and i refuse to use 7 dust ever again because it is just too dangerous. thanks for sharing all your wonderful thoughts and words of encouragement i will post soon i hope i will stop by and check on everyone as soon as i can, hopefully tonight, i don't have my sisters kids this weekend so i am able to rest in a bit.
todays thought; "Clearly understand there isn't any situation that isn't made worse by worry. Worry never solves anything. Worry never prevents anything. Worry never heals anything. Worry only serves one purpose... it makes matters worse."- Bob Procter (Your Achievement Ezine - issue no. 176)

Monday, August 17, 2009

facing the person inside of me

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated
act without the benefit of experience."
-Henry Miller

funny I should start my post with the thought from the last post.
A leap in the dark, is what i did this weekend. it feels very lonely
to try something spontaneous especially without the benefit of experience.
the weekend was spent in service for my fellowship, we meet every three months
to conduct business on behalf of the areas. this is where i learned so much about computers,
i am the current newsletter editor and it gives me great satisfaction
to be a part of this fellowship. i chose this quarter to bring something to the new business agenda on the regional floor but i did not know how to do it so i asked someone else to present this. my idea was to discuss introducing a service "resume/application" to the RSC floor.
there are times when we ask questions of candidates stepping into service positions, and then other times it is like we use the "Buddie system". at the last RSC this type of inconsistency created a horrible "us and them" mentality around the region and i took it very personally. i stopped going to meetings at certain groups in town out of fear of reprisal for what had happened there. i have been isolating and dwelling on some members behavior and instead of coming to the meeting wanting to yell at people for acting out on character defects, i chose to try to find a solution, and try to discuss implementing a tool that would help level the playing field during elections. something everyone would be required to do so nobody got singled out. in no way was this intended to limit the questions our members could ask it was more of a spring board to raise the discussion. but alas my fellowship is one of addicts, and while i showed this to several members on saturday who had positive things to say about it, there were many more who just saw this as a "knee jerk" reaction to a bad situation and the questions scared a lot of members. unfortunately it was brought in the form of a "motion" which in policy sends it back to the area's and groups for a vote as is. so it will probably be voted out and thrown away if met with the same fear and animosity it was met with at the region. the way some of the RCM's ( people who are responsible for taking information back to groups and areas) responded so negatively, they will probably share their fears instead of my actual intention of the document. now i never intended to bring a motion to the floor, just some discussion on what if anything we could do with it. as my emotions were so raw on the situation, i asked a friend with more spirituality to bring it to the floor, she put it on the agenda in a motion form. so as the basic text says more will be revealed. that is my bit on service i will need to read through this to make sure it is not breaking any anonymity rules. as our regional minutes are posted online on our website, i believe this should fall just in the realm of OK. after reading what i wrote i sound very sane, on paper, but in reality i am very emotional when i am trying to speak to a large group of people and i don't usually say what i need to say, so this is why i asked a friend with a cooler head to bring it up. if i had done it would would have been done with a lot of crying and sobbing and sniffling like a butt hurt baby. and it would have been all about me. as it is i did not want members to know it was me who proposed this idea. but once my anonymity was blown out of the water, i got real hot on the back of my neck, my ears got red and i raised my hand to speak and had to apologize for some of the colorful words i used. one of the questions were "have you ever been charged with misappropriation of funds?" and people were like i will never pass this application we have all been in trouble before!! well i said, that question is in reference to NA funds stupid!!! then i cried and said i am sorry i am very passionate about this. as you can see i am way, way involved in service, it keeps me clean, it keeps me focused on a solution, it keeps me in the middle of the fellowship. anyway i started this post yesterday and if i don't get to my gratitude list it won't get posted till tomorrow.
  1. today i am grateful for my willingness to be in uncomfortable situations to try to better my fellowship.
  2. today i am grateful for my real friends and being able to let go of those who cannot separate friendship from service work.
  3. today i am grateful for my home group i wish they had more meetings a week.
  4. today i am grateful i did something for my recovery yesterday.
  5. today i am grateful for my sponsor who answered the phone.
  6. today i am grateful to be right here, where my gratitude is.
as i think about some of the rational excuses that have kept me out of meetings this morning i think about how lonely it feels to stand in your own truth. there are members who used to be my friends and now they are not. i have to learn to be OK with not everyone liking me, in the past i would conform to what ever anybody wanted me to be just so they would like me. i would listen to rap music around one friend and country around another, same with my attire, i would change it to suit who ever i was trying to please, and say something to rock the boat was not me, not at all. so i am very uncomfortable with what i am doing today, which means i am growing and soon i will be OK with what i am doing today no matter what anyone thinks. today i am trying to be a part of the solution not the problem and i guess that is ok. for todays thought; "You never find yourself until you face the truth"- Pearl Bailey

Friday, August 14, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- Kevin Spacey

Every Friday write a story, poem or what ever of 55
words no more, no less and report it to the G-man!!

"Here comes Kevin Spacey!! Are you afraid of Kevin Spacey!
From a scary psychopath in "Se7en" to a deranged father
in "American Beauty" to the arch nemesis Dr Evil
And one of his all time scariest of villains
Hopper from "A Bug's Life".
And why my daughters always scream "Look out!
Here Comes Kevin Spacey!!"

Here you go G-man!! I know there are many more movies that I love with Kevin Spacey, but this one is my children's favorite and it is fun to watch them say "Look out I see Kevin Spacey!" I think if they ever run into him they will be completely frightened. I apologize for not being here all week been babysitting, working on my garden I found some broccoli, Cauliflower and cabbage for a fall garden, they are already started so we tilled up the earth and got some stuff to help with the blossom end rot and I have some worksheets on how to space the plants so this really has helped my mood. I spoke with "A's" counselor but did not express my concerns of her letter. I am taking Lou's advise and maybe next week I will go over the letter with my sponsor and see with a humble perspective just how bad the letter really is. Wes however agreed completely with me but this is now my sh%$ and i need to work through it. My daughter is an amazing person who is very goal oriented and very responsible, she does not go out and sleep around she does not go out till all hours she tells me where she is at all times, which is usually home, and she is an honor roll student who is excited about school. I just want to help her not bottle up all her feelings, to work through them. But I am powerless, and those are her decisions to make. I need to allow her the time to do so and not own anything else. I still haven't been to more then one meeting this week and I am highly agitated because of it. I wanted to post last night, but I was so tired I just fell asleep. Today I need to go get milk and creamer get ready for regional service this weekend, I will have to miss Sunday because we have too much to do before Monday. This makes me sad as it is the first Sunday meeting I will have missed in 3 years. I have made quite a commitment to my service work and it has helped me so much in learning how to deal with people and how to handle situations that I normally would fly off the handle over. Like the therapist for instance, what I really wanted to tell her was something like "How the hell can you call yourself an Addiction Specialist when you have never read our Basic Text?!" and a few other choice words but I was cordial and nice and didn't expend any energy on her, I have spent enough anger over the assessment already it is time to look at it with some humility. My photo shop software has crashed so this makes me sad but I know there is nothing i can do about it, I am sitting here looking at about 500 dollars in medical bills and we need to pay them tonight. I got a Penneys' coupon for $10.00 so I will see if Wes is willing to buy those shoes for "A" at 44 dollars, she still needs some shoes for school and we so far only spent about 115 on her stuff so we are under budget. I think it will be OK. I have some hope today I just don't have willingness to attend some area meetings, and I know I need to. So I have to go but I will try to stop by and see your 55's here is my gratitude list;
1. today I am grateful for the words of encouragement from my fellow bloggers.
2. today I am grateful that though I was in a bad space this week, I never had the urge to use.
3. today I am grateful for not giving up.
4. today I am grateful for the sound of my children playing and laughing.
5. today I am grateful for the sounds of my children fighting and crying.
6. today I am grateful for the fellowship and friendships of Narcotics Anonymous.
7. today I am grateful for the change in my perceptions.
8. today I am grateful for my ability to serve my community.
9. today I am grateful for my willingness to want to be happy.
10. today I am grateful for waking up and the ability to enjoy this life one more day.
11. today I am grateful for Les Paul, and I pray for his family and fans as they mourn his passing.
life is so very fleeting, if we take too much time wallowing in the past, we are going to miss living right now. todays thought; "All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience."-Henry Miller

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

boys have all the fun

“He who has health has hope,
and he who has hope has everything.”
Arabian proverb

oh my gosh has it really been 5 days i have been so busy, here is some pictures of my honey last weekend in colorado, doesn't he look great?! he is the one in the front with the glasses and the black and blue striped shirt. the guys had a great trip they hit some meetings went to the garden of the gods, drove up to pikes peak at 14,000 feet and they just had a great time.
i spent the weekend a little different, first i spent 6 hours getting my cpr certification, then i spent the day at area doing service work, i felt out of place as a former friend of mine was there and the tension was thick. i don't know why exactly she is mad at me, but i think it is because i spoke up against her stepping up for area service work, she was our secretary and then area co- chair and then gsr of her home group, conflict of interest aside i felt she could not do all three positions effectively. i stepped up for secretary, just for this month but i stll felt the cold shoulder and it has really been hurtful to me but i cannot own it, i cannot even apologize as she has not told me why she is not longer speaking to me.
i have really be isolated this last week and i only got to one meeting last week and the effects of no meetings if hard. i also re-arranged my house for inspection and i also finally got paid and so far have not over spent my money. i am sad that i lost a friend and then my daughters counselor finally sent her analysis of "A" and it was all co-signing and blame. i was so angry when i read the stupid report you would not believe how unprofessional this woman was in her report, that we asked for over a month ago!!
she said "before YOU stopped the sessions "A" was ready to start having some sessions with her mother..." we asked about that over 6 months ago and she is barely getting to it now?!? and then blames us for not continuing counseling!! we asked her for an assessment over a month ago, if we had gotten this in a timely fashion at best "A" would have missed one appointment. This really really hurt, she also said "it seems she is being asked to "get over" the first 10 or so dysfunctional and chaotic years of her life because the last 3-4 have been "stable"." This is from a counselor who is taking for gospel the words of a 15 year old and not ever talking to her parents, because we have never been invited to counseling, until this letter. nobody, i repeat nobody has ever asked "A" to "get over" anything we just wanted her to learn some coping skills instead i sent her to "co-signers-R-Us" . i know my past has been hard on her, i know i have been a horrible person. i know all the bad stuff i have done and i never asked her to get over it. if i wanted her to get over it i would have just said so instead of spending thousands of dollars on worthless counseling, i mean this past year has been nothing but a bitch session about me and nothing about her. it should have been about her. the therapist should have asked her things like, "don't you see your resentment is hurting you?" i don't know but it should have been about "A" and how can she better learn to live in today, not 5 years ago. Then Wes asks me "why are you so upset?"
gee i don't know probably because the professional person i sent my daughter to for the last year has just named me Americas worst mother and that in essence this letter simply states that i will never ever be able to do right by my daughter!!! and now my daughters best friend is the lady who refuses to speak to me, so everyone in town hates me!!! who do i think i am trying to open a daycare when i can't even care for my teenager. i don't feel grateful i haven't called my sponsor and now i have to continue this venture which will probably fail like everything else i do. my garden is looking sad, my watermelon have blossom end rot and i can't find anything to fix it everything i read says it is calcium deficient and i almost poured milk on my garden. i think i am under watering it and Wes thinks i am over watering it and i went to my compost heap and pulled out some eggshells and crushed them up in the soil but the melon is still rotting. my tomatoes are so big all my plants are falling over and i can't tie them up. i think my tomatoes are taking out all the calcium out of the garden and i don't know how to replenish it. one whole cucumber vine is completely yellow and wilted. and i sent a card out to a fellow blogger who never even received it, so i need to resend the card.
do i sound like i am on a pity pot? i am exhausted and have been babysitting from 4:30 in the morning and not getting to bed until ten at night and i now need to get the area minutes done, regional service is this weekend and i am actually not looking forward to it, and i usually love going to region. todays thought; "If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone."
--John Maxwell. American Author and motivational speaker

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday- Dragon Quill's

Every Friday compose a short story, poem or even a limerick
of 55 words no more no less and then report it to the G-Man!!

"Since the Dragon's not only rogitated me to do this they also dared me by insinuating that I may be too solipsistic to try to use their "quilly words" As I have been nequient in my ability to post everyday, I have found great pleasure in my ability to participate in the Flash Fiction Friday!!"

OK for those who need help like me click on the links to the Dragon's Lair and go to Thursdays Quilly word post to find the definitions of their words. There ya go G-man did I make you think Hard? The dragons are scary but sweet and love to play with words and they also play on Flash Fiction Friday. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

So my honey is gone river rafting until Sunday, I miss him already. I signed up for the classes for my daycare license today so I will take my first class on Saturday. My e-funds paperwork finally went through!! So it is official i will finally get my first paycheck in 4 and a half years!! It is surreal to me but it feels really good. I can go get the tot locks and everything else i need for the fire inspection, which is free, then send off for my license. I can't believe I am getting paid for what I am doing, finally I feel worth something!! I know that sounds awful but it is true, to some extent my whole life I have been trained that I am only worth something if I am making money and while the last four years have been the most rewarding years of my entire life I have still not quite been complete. Being totally dependent on someone else is not what my higher powers will for anyone is. This will give me my independence and with the help of my fellowship I can finally be a responsible person. I mean to say that when my sister said the money is waiting to be transferred into your account, the first thing running through my head was going out and spending it. Instead I sat down and talked with Wes and shared my feelings about this, he suggested that I write down what all I need left to get this daycare business up and running, how much I would need to put away for taxes, he suggested 50 percent until I found out how much i chose 30 percent, and then to follow that plan. So now i don't have so much anxiety about receiving this money, and I even gave myself an allowance of cash to have on me so if I want something I can get it and won't end up spending all my money. I also know that I won't be babysitting my sister's children after this month. Weather or not her husband gets pardoned doesn't matter, she won't be able to take her kids to school and i won't either, because I will have in my contracts a "no transportation" deal. If they have doctor's appointments mom and dad have to take them as i won't be getting the extra auto insurance to have to deal with that, plus I have a 7 seat mini van and plan to watch 4 children with 2 of my own, where would everyone sit?
So it is an exciting new chapter in my life and here is the cool part, if it doesn't work out, it won't break me!! But I won't have to send my kids to a sitter, I can practice my artwork at home and I will have financial independence!! God it will feel so good to pay off the rest of my debt and my student loans!! Do you know how many people are in debt today?! I am so blessed this feels so good. OK so my gratitude list 5 things, I think I already mentioned one;
1. today i am grateful for Narcotics Anonymous, a fellowship that has truly blessed my life.
2. today i am grateful for the ability to let go and let God. Something that had eluded my life for so long.
3. today i am grateful for my gratitude, i use to take things like arguments with my daughter and let them ruin my life, my life was filled with guilt and remorse and today I have some freedom from that.
4. today i am grateful for my children who teach me everyday to always stay young, hold hands and laugh, a lot.
5. today i am grateful for this blog and the community of friends it has created in my life. i love getting up everyday and looking in my email for some beautiful words you all have taken the time to leave for me. thank you.
I am really excited about this daycare. i just don't know what else to say but wow. Oh, don't forget to drop by the Dragon's Lair to find out the meaning of those words and to tell them hi! They don't bite very hard, it is their tales that really hurt. As for todays thought; "I've always thought anyone can make money. Making a life worth living, that's the real test."- Dr. Robert Fulghum

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Never leave make- up in an unlocked drawer where a Haley may get it!!! look at that face she has "Guilty" written all over it!

Here she is trying to 'splain to me "but mom, i was painting"

Would say caught "red handed" but it is more a light ivory base.

painted legs and 30 dollars of make up poof- gone!!

just a quickie, not too much time here, Wes leaves at 4:am so I am helping get his gear packed and i have a brisket in the oven, some burgers out for dinner going to try Mamahollionis fried zucchini recipe also got stuff to make my own granola, but i am cooking a brisket right now so it will have to wait. my daycare training classes start Saturday there was an issue with paying two different companies, I thought I needed a check for one company, and I should have just had Wes write it to me, oh well we can fix it tomorrow. Need to take "A" to get her bike ready for school JROTC practice starts Monday at 7:am so school will be from 7-6 for her, she will also be doing soccer this year as well. We decided at over 200 dollars to wait until summer to get the Drivers ED. anyway I have to clean out some thermos and coffee maker, Wes will need to roast some coffee tonight and get to bed early. Kids want lunch so gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful my Haley has a wonderful imagination and loves to paint!.
2. today i am grateful for not caring about my make- up, I have a farmers tan now so that color is too light anyway!
3. today I am grateful for my little helper in my garden, Haley helped soak not only the garden but me as well!!
4. today i am grateful for the hope that i feel inside and i know it is going to be OK.
5. today i am grateful for Bill Clinton and his bringing home Laura Ling and Euna Lee from North Korea, awesome piece of news to watch this morning simply beautiful.

i would like to thank everyone for their kind comments and words of wisdom these last few days, I am truly grateful for all the support I find in this blog. todays thought;
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird-

Monday, August 3, 2009

just needed to smile

This one always makes me laugh. haley the acrobat was trying to climb into the swing upside down. she was laughing and calling for help, so i grabbed the camera.

today "A" and i got into it again and i told her "you don't need to act like a b@$##." i said it in front of the kids and all. i really hate myself when i slip. i am feeling so much pressure right now i just don't know if i am doing the right thing.

this little goof ball is just funny. i didn't even photo shop this picture, he just came right up to the camera and looks this goofy naturally!! this little guy makes me laugh he is my louie. my sisters youngest and i watch him and his older brother right now for a whopping $1.30 an hour, haven't been paid yet but such is my life, this kid makes me laugh ain't he cute?

so i sent "A" to her room and told her i didn't even want to look at her. and i haven't spoken to her since. i don't really know what to say i am just, i feel like i am with her father all over again and her behavior is triggering past shi$ and i just want to lash out at her and yell at her and make her hurt the way she is hurting me, so i haven't spoken to her and wes thinks this is just me owning her shi@ and i just don't think he understands what i am feeling.

i love this picture, wes had the stick and pointed it at me then gave it to baby haley, look how tight her curls were!! then she took it and kind of growled at me, it is too cute.

I feel like i can't keep up with everything and i don't like feeling like this, like i am in quicksand. wes is leaving for a men's getaway to colorado on wednesday and won't be back until sunday, he was gone to oklahoma this last weekend on a boys thing and a couple of months back went on a mens retreat. he keeps complaining about bills but is taking all these trips. then i have to find a way to save our milk. today i told hem, for a second time that there was this medical bill coming in from the back specialist, that he told me to go to and now he wants me to call the insurance and find out why we have to pay for a referral. it is like this other dentist bill came in it was only 21 dollars and i called for the same thing and they wouldn't tell me anything because i am not the policy holder, i am just a domestic partner. so now i have to spend time on hold to find out this same thing again. i asked him to order haleys medicine because of this same reason, and he didn't do it. i know he is busy but haley has to have her medicine everyday and yeah i was short when i asked him but he still should have put in the order. now her meds may not come in on time. i know to just email him the information tomorrow and it will get done, we seem to be communicating better through emails lately.
my haley, she can laugh out loud with her whole body and make you feel it deep inside. i love her laughter.

i tried to call my sponsor today, left a message, i tried a couple of girlfriends and left messages as well, so i went to a meeting and felt a little better, you know sometimes i feel more connected in the blogging world then in real life. kind of strange huh. this way i shared my feelings and they are not a secret and i know people who read this and so it is not like i am trying to hide my behavior, i just couldn't get a hold of anybody, and it really eats me up to be angry with my "A". i have put her through so much already and she just can't forgive me or what ever she is going through i don't know.
i watched farrahs story the other night, i guess i just needed to cry, now there is the epitome of someone wanting to live, we should all have that passion to live everyday, and then just do it. so five things to keep me in today;
1 today i am grateful i never once had the urge to use.
2. today i am grateful i can hug my little ones tight and they won't make me let go yet.
3. today i am grateful i appreciate the blessings in my life, wes, adrianna, haley, gillian..
4. today i am grateful i made amends to my mom before she left this earth. mom forgave me of everything that was something.
5. today i am grateful that i walked away before i let out some really ugly words. there was a lot more i wanted to say and i did not.

i hope for tomorrow and pray for His will and not mine be done as for today's thought; Embracing Imperfection

When I was a little girl, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular, when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned toast in front of my Dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my Dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my Mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my Dad for burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: Baby, I love burned toast.

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, Your Momma put in a hard day at work today, and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!

You know, life is full of imperfect things......and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

This was sent to me by a friend today and it was very fitting for me. Don't know the author

Sunday, August 2, 2009

live and learn

See these flowers, they are supposed to be oregano and sage i think they are pansies.
i had a bag of seeds that said colored bell peppers, they are jalapenos and the green beans i planted are really black beans.
So let this be a lesson to you aspiring gardeners, no buying seeds from Walmart!!! Seriously i am not happy with my lettuces, the spinach did well and this is my zucchini the last one and it was over 3 pounds!!

So next year i will be ordering my seeds from a catalog, now that i have 6 jalapeno plants and there are over 2 dozen on the front four, does anyone need some jalapenos? so my cantaloupe are doing great as well as my watermelon and i think i even have a butternut squash coming in. Boy it is too bad i lost all my zucchini to those darn bugs, Mamahollioni's Kitchen has a great recipe for zucchini fries!!

So we took "A" school clothes shopping yesterday and with the exception of not getting her some shoes everything went well. we had found a pair online that i thought was supposed to be on sale and when we got there they were almost 60 bucks. we were not going to pay 60 bucks for shoes, now the store had plenty of name brand shoes on sale for 38 dollars but "A" wouldn't have it so she didn't get them, then pitched a fit like a little kid over a freakin pair of shoes!!
we got home, she got all the clothes we had looked at online and a bit more because of the sales they had and i thought we did well with jeans for 46 dollars on sale for 21, i mean she got really nice clothes and went strait to her room to cry. i asked her what was wrong, i know wrong thing to do and she went off on this little episode about how "her friends who flunk classes and stay out all night get 500 dollars for school clothes and they have cell phones and they get to leave school early to go to a vo- tech and start their lives and she is stuck here. why should she keep trying to do everything right when it gets her nothing." we only spent 100 dollars yesterday but that would have been double if it weren't for the sales she got 5 shirts 2 pairs of jeans and some new shorts. i was really hurt by what she said so i called my sponsor and then a freind. you know this song and dance about how she hates her life is really getting pathetic and i am losing patience and i am ready to tell her to get out of my house. i am so tired of her hating me everytime she doesn't get her way. for her birthday last year we decided to get her a new bike. i was just going to get her a Walmart special and Wes wouldn't have it, he wanted her to have something that she could use in college and so we researched for about 2 months and found the brand "Specialized" we ended up getting her a Hardrock Sport mountain bike, entry level and it was still 400 bucks. Really nice bike and she has never ridden it. she just wants to throw it in our face like " i don't care" . we spent over a year in therapy and she wouldn't do anything the therapist suggested so why spend money on something that isn't working? and all i can learn from this is to never ever relapse and put my younger daughters through the pain my oldest went through.I know that just for today i never have to use again and this is a reminder of the damage that will happen if i do. So today we had the day off from babysitting so I took my girls out to the pool where we all got a little too much sun, Wes is off fishing so i pulled out some t-bones, i have some red potatoes and some fresh harvested lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and zucchini for a great salad. Enjoy your weekend. gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful my two little girls have never seen me high.
2. today i am grateful for not losing my temper over the weed whacker that wouldn't cooperate. i eventually got it to work and now my yard is awesome.
3. today i am grateful for the beautiful weather we have here in wichita, a nice 90 degrees perfect pool weather.
4. today i am grateful for my love of fishing, maybe tonight i can go for a bit.
5. today i am grateful for my willingness to live my life to the fullest today.
so much to do i need to go start my potatoes and mushrooms and then my grill, i spent a little time on the"lazy river" at the "YMCA" and i just got off the phone with my sponsor so i need to get dinner on. todays thought;"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions,
and not on our circumstances."
--Martha Washington