Sunday, August 23, 2009

understanding humility

just a quick update, hopefully i can get back to my routine tomorrow and post a gratitude list. we ended up going to the emergency room last night as Wes had some chest pain and we got scared. luckily it was not what we thought and they took him off one medication he was taking for high blood pressure and get him started on a new medication. this new medication so far has worked great no issues today.
me i am exhausted we were at the hospital 'till 9 last night i left my shed open and the lawnmower out, just had time to mow the yard and that is when he started feeling problems so i did not get the gardening done until today and let me tell you today was so busy and Wes was actually real active and participating in the day. so this is really neat to see he is not worn out. my sisters husband got his pardon and came back from mexico and so we were going to meet at the Y. my plans were to go to the gym after breakfast, come back tend to my garden and garage. install my new tot locks go finish our grocery shopping and make dinner. mr. excitement decided that we were going to invite my sister and her family over and we were going to cook burgers for rey's welcome home.
so now my blood pressure is going up. i got things i need to get done on the weekend and now we are hosting a party with no groceries. ok so we went and got some groceries and made some burgers, dogs and corn on the cob and fresh slaw. then i put the kids and our new american resident to work in the garden then Wes came out and worked with us we pulled out all the dead cucumbers planted 24 new plants tilled the soil treated for blossom end rot, staked up the fallen tomato plants, eight of the twelve needed help. then we laid out the new soaker hoses since we don't have cucumbers anymore we needed to make sure they were where they would do the most good. I have new growth with my watermelons so hopefully they will grow better then the first ones i have 3 good looking cantaloupe and i still have tons of tomatoes they just haven't turned red yet. my green peppers and jalapenos are growing like mad and finally i got some more blood meal out there to keep the critters from eating my tomatoes. tomorrow i have to go get some BT i don't remember what it stands for but it is and organic worm fighter it gets rid of cole bugs so i will get this on my new fall crop i just planted and maybe even get some other starts for fall i have plenty of room in my garden and i know i don't want to see just a patch of dirt where i could be growing something. one thing about this garden is it may have not saved much money, maybe i even only broke even on it but i am good with that because growing is good. i was able to grow this magnificent garden and watch as some of it died but i am learning and so next year my cucumbers may last until fall. but i gotta say i gave away over a dozen cucumbers because there were just so many there.
as i waited in the hospital last night i pulled out the "It Works How and Why" book it is NA literature that goes over the steps and traditions since i am on seven i read that chapter and this is what stuck out to me; "we tried so hard to get it right. we were tired of our shortcomings. we were worn out from trying to manage and control them, and we wanted some relief. Oddly enough, this is precisely the attitude we hope to demonstrate in Step Seven, the attitude of humility. We admit defeat, recognize our limitations, and ask for help from the god of our understanding."- pg. 70 This is exactly where I am right now. i mean I am beaten and I cannot keep trying to control my anger or emotions or any of the compulsive behaviors, in fact I have been stuffing for quite some time like walking on eggshells trying to be mrs. perfect and I just am not ever going to be.
you know lately i have been feeling resentful of Wes. i feel like i cannot say what i need to say because then he'll go "what are you doing?" and he thinks i am just trying to pick a fight or uses that phrase to not hear what I am saying to him. i am resentful too because I am constantly working on this home, that he hates and he does not do anything but go to work, come home and use up time on the computer and watch tv. while i continue to cook bathe the kids brush their teeth read to them then laundry and he is just relaxing the whole time. you know i think this is what couples go through i mean imagine having two control freak addicts who know everything about the NA way of life and can completely manipulate it when we are having a bad day. but we try to work together and when i am completely off my rocker in a black rage of anger Wes always says "I'm not your enemy, we are on the same team." sometimes that is hard to see when ego gets in the way. this i know, i love him dearly, character defects and all. and yes we are on the same team and i think i need to get some step work done to sort some of my own anxiety out. i love our literature and how i don't want to always be a mess. sometimes though, i am going a hundred miles an hour and getting no where. i am going to slow down and do some step work and see where to go from here. i am grateful i never lost my cool all weekend though it felt like i was going to just pop if you pinched me. tomorrow it is just me and my girls, can't wait to be with them they are amazing. ok i gotta go just finished some of mamahollioni's granola if you don't know who she is just click on the link and you will be in love with her recipes just like me!! now i have to get some sleep. today's thought; "We may have difficulty with the notion of patience because our addiction accustomed us to instant gratification. But we've already been practicing the principles that make it possible for us to be patient. We simply need to expand on our Third Step decision to trust the God of our understanding with our will and our lives. If we only trusted that Power to a certain extent in Step Three, it's time to increase our trust." from the book "It Works, How and Why pg.71


Tall Kay said...

You sound so much better today! And God brought you some help. I've never read the NA book, but I sure do appreciate the quotes you included today. Expanding the 3rd step with more faith...sounds like a really good suggestion to me. I hope things continue to settle down. God bless and good night.

Busy Bee Suz said...

Through all the stress, you kept your cool. This is good.
Resentment happens in relationships. You should take a moment when you are not in a 'mood' and just let him know that you would really appreciate a bit more help around the house...he will hear you if you say the words just the right way. That is how it is with most men. good luck, suz

Lou said...

CC, you really work on yourself. It is so awesome.

Ms Hen said...

I like the HALT statement I learned in Recovery. To Halt/stop when hungry/angry/lonely/tired... even if i just go in my bedroom for 5 minutes or the shower.. and make sure I EAT. (what a difference even 5 minutes of peace and rest can make.). I don't act Insane anymore.

Life is so busy and chaotic.. you sound great Girl.

Susan DeAngelis said...

Your hard work is an inspiration. Through all of the trials and tribulations of life, you keep level-headed and focus.

Good Going, friend. :)

Susan DeAngelis said...

Ah, love that quote -- and optical illusions.

Yatzee, girlfriend -- great post. :)Sue

Syd said...

You have a lot going on. I don't think one person can do all. It takes communication and team work. Hang in there with the vegetables. I'm really proud of how much you did with the garden. It will be even better next year.

Her Big Sad said...

My first garden last year just sucked. This year, I did a bit better (though rabbits are public enemy #1 around here - they ate my green beans!). Next year will be GREAT! I think we just have to learn what works on our particular soil/weather, etc.... Take care of you! You seem to have a lot on your plate and being a mom/wife is just plain hard. Worth it, but hard!! Hugs!