Monday, August 3, 2009

just needed to smile

This one always makes me laugh. haley the acrobat was trying to climb into the swing upside down. she was laughing and calling for help, so i grabbed the camera.

today "A" and i got into it again and i told her "you don't need to act like a b@$##." i said it in front of the kids and all. i really hate myself when i slip. i am feeling so much pressure right now i just don't know if i am doing the right thing.

this little goof ball is just funny. i didn't even photo shop this picture, he just came right up to the camera and looks this goofy naturally!! this little guy makes me laugh he is my louie. my sisters youngest and i watch him and his older brother right now for a whopping $1.30 an hour, haven't been paid yet but such is my life, this kid makes me laugh ain't he cute?

so i sent "A" to her room and told her i didn't even want to look at her. and i haven't spoken to her since. i don't really know what to say i am just, i feel like i am with her father all over again and her behavior is triggering past shi$ and i just want to lash out at her and yell at her and make her hurt the way she is hurting me, so i haven't spoken to her and wes thinks this is just me owning her shi@ and i just don't think he understands what i am feeling.

i love this picture, wes had the stick and pointed it at me then gave it to baby haley, look how tight her curls were!! then she took it and kind of growled at me, it is too cute.

I feel like i can't keep up with everything and i don't like feeling like this, like i am in quicksand. wes is leaving for a men's getaway to colorado on wednesday and won't be back until sunday, he was gone to oklahoma this last weekend on a boys thing and a couple of months back went on a mens retreat. he keeps complaining about bills but is taking all these trips. then i have to find a way to save our milk. today i told hem, for a second time that there was this medical bill coming in from the back specialist, that he told me to go to and now he wants me to call the insurance and find out why we have to pay for a referral. it is like this other dentist bill came in it was only 21 dollars and i called for the same thing and they wouldn't tell me anything because i am not the policy holder, i am just a domestic partner. so now i have to spend time on hold to find out this same thing again. i asked him to order haleys medicine because of this same reason, and he didn't do it. i know he is busy but haley has to have her medicine everyday and yeah i was short when i asked him but he still should have put in the order. now her meds may not come in on time. i know to just email him the information tomorrow and it will get done, we seem to be communicating better through emails lately.
my haley, she can laugh out loud with her whole body and make you feel it deep inside. i love her laughter.

i tried to call my sponsor today, left a message, i tried a couple of girlfriends and left messages as well, so i went to a meeting and felt a little better, you know sometimes i feel more connected in the blogging world then in real life. kind of strange huh. this way i shared my feelings and they are not a secret and i know people who read this and so it is not like i am trying to hide my behavior, i just couldn't get a hold of anybody, and it really eats me up to be angry with my "A". i have put her through so much already and she just can't forgive me or what ever she is going through i don't know.
i watched farrahs story the other night, i guess i just needed to cry, now there is the epitome of someone wanting to live, we should all have that passion to live everyday, and then just do it. so five things to keep me in today;
1 today i am grateful i never once had the urge to use.
2. today i am grateful i can hug my little ones tight and they won't make me let go yet.
3. today i am grateful i appreciate the blessings in my life, wes, adrianna, haley, gillian..
4. today i am grateful i made amends to my mom before she left this earth. mom forgave me of everything that was something.
5. today i am grateful that i walked away before i let out some really ugly words. there was a lot more i wanted to say and i did not.

i hope for tomorrow and pray for His will and not mine be done as for today's thought; Embracing Imperfection

When I was a little girl, my Mom liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now and then. And I remember one night in particular, when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my Mom placed a plate of eggs, sausage and extremely burned toast in front of my Dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my Dad did was reach for his toast, smile at my Mom, and ask me how my day was at school. I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember watching him smear butter and jelly on that toast and eat every bite!

When I got up from the table that evening, I remember hearing my Mom apologize to my Dad for burning the toast. And I'll never forget what he said: Baby, I love burned toast.

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his toast burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, Your Momma put in a hard day at work today, and she's real tired. And besides - a little burnt toast never hurt anyone!

You know, life is full of imperfect things......and imperfect people. I'm not the best housekeeper or cook. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each other's faults - and choosing to celebrate each other's differences - is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

And that's my prayer for you today. That you will learn to take the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of your life and lay them at the feet of God. Because in the end, He's the only One who will be able to give you a relationship where burnt toast isn't a deal-breaker! We could extend this to any relationship in fact - as understanding is the base of any relationship, be it a husband-wife or parent-child or friendship!

"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

This was sent to me by a friend today and it was very fitting for me. Don't know the author


Gin said...

Love the pictures. They gave me a good laugh. I'll keep that key in MY pocket right where it belongs. Thanks for the reminder.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

The picture of Haley laughing is a miracle! Because it carries the spirit of life in it, and I cannot help but feel it!

I love the burned toast story... My husband continues to tell me each time I make a lame attempt at cooking, that he loves my cooking, and I know it's not because my cooking is good, but because he appreciates my trying and my working...

That memory, is a good, nay...perfect memory! A memory of pure love!

Good good stuff!!!

Shadow said...

oh boy, teenagers really know how to push the buttons. wishing you love and patience... good intentions and meanings will eventually win the day, i'm sure.

and your little one's. they are the cutest bunch!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Sounds like you have a lot going on...that is the pressure...

Teenagers are strange creatures indeed, sometimes I've learned all we have is time with each other, even in our pain.

As far as trips well, he can make them but the responsibility has to be 50 50 in the relationship to bills, etc...his accountability needs a reality check, not an inventory done by anyone, but a reality check as to what is the underlying issue of not wanting to contribute directly to the house?

The pictures are gorgeous, and made me grin wide!!!

Take care of you....


Tall Karen said...

Thanks C&C. That story of the toast made me cry...the pics made me laugh...and I can so relate to your feelings right now. It's not others behavior I need to focus on, but my own reaction to it. Thanks so much!

LarryG said...

all those smiles and that kind of happiness is amazing!
way to go - spread some kisses around with the blessings!

JennyMac said...

Teens...ugh. LOL. Our son is only 2 but I have a 17 year old SIL. WOW is all I can say sometimes.

And that first pic especially made me laugh out loud.

Syd said...

I really like what you wrote here. If I am humble, then I realize that I have many imperfections and that I need to treat others in my life with compassion. Understanding is so important. I realize that I am grateful for not having given up but for having stayed in this relationship. There were many deal breakers but I know that we had respect and love for each other regardless.

Lou said...

My husband worked days and I worked midnights for years, so someone would be home with the kids. We could not afford a babysitter. It was like 3 years, we rarely saw each other, we communicated with notes on the frig. Maybe that is why we are still together..ha,ha.
Seriously, life gets in the way sometimes. Break your stuff down into tasks that need to be done right away, tomorrow, next week, never, etc. It makes it easier to deal.

PS on my computer, your google ads are blocking the text of your posts

Woody Jr said...

Amazing memory and one amazing dad!
I always enjoy reading your life.

diane d said...

I was almost to that point with my teen girl last week and I thank God also that He pulled me back and shut my mouth before I said what was really in my head. Continue to do what you're doing...just look to Him, go to a meeting, pick up the phone, type up a blog post. There is much healing to be done.

LOVE the pictures!!