Monday, August 17, 2009

facing the person inside of me

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated
act without the benefit of experience."
-Henry Miller

funny I should start my post with the thought from the last post.
A leap in the dark, is what i did this weekend. it feels very lonely
to try something spontaneous especially without the benefit of experience.
the weekend was spent in service for my fellowship, we meet every three months
to conduct business on behalf of the areas. this is where i learned so much about computers,
i am the current newsletter editor and it gives me great satisfaction
to be a part of this fellowship. i chose this quarter to bring something to the new business agenda on the regional floor but i did not know how to do it so i asked someone else to present this. my idea was to discuss introducing a service "resume/application" to the RSC floor.
there are times when we ask questions of candidates stepping into service positions, and then other times it is like we use the "Buddie system". at the last RSC this type of inconsistency created a horrible "us and them" mentality around the region and i took it very personally. i stopped going to meetings at certain groups in town out of fear of reprisal for what had happened there. i have been isolating and dwelling on some members behavior and instead of coming to the meeting wanting to yell at people for acting out on character defects, i chose to try to find a solution, and try to discuss implementing a tool that would help level the playing field during elections. something everyone would be required to do so nobody got singled out. in no way was this intended to limit the questions our members could ask it was more of a spring board to raise the discussion. but alas my fellowship is one of addicts, and while i showed this to several members on saturday who had positive things to say about it, there were many more who just saw this as a "knee jerk" reaction to a bad situation and the questions scared a lot of members. unfortunately it was brought in the form of a "motion" which in policy sends it back to the area's and groups for a vote as is. so it will probably be voted out and thrown away if met with the same fear and animosity it was met with at the region. the way some of the RCM's ( people who are responsible for taking information back to groups and areas) responded so negatively, they will probably share their fears instead of my actual intention of the document. now i never intended to bring a motion to the floor, just some discussion on what if anything we could do with it. as my emotions were so raw on the situation, i asked a friend with more spirituality to bring it to the floor, she put it on the agenda in a motion form. so as the basic text says more will be revealed. that is my bit on service i will need to read through this to make sure it is not breaking any anonymity rules. as our regional minutes are posted online on our website, i believe this should fall just in the realm of OK. after reading what i wrote i sound very sane, on paper, but in reality i am very emotional when i am trying to speak to a large group of people and i don't usually say what i need to say, so this is why i asked a friend with a cooler head to bring it up. if i had done it would would have been done with a lot of crying and sobbing and sniffling like a butt hurt baby. and it would have been all about me. as it is i did not want members to know it was me who proposed this idea. but once my anonymity was blown out of the water, i got real hot on the back of my neck, my ears got red and i raised my hand to speak and had to apologize for some of the colorful words i used. one of the questions were "have you ever been charged with misappropriation of funds?" and people were like i will never pass this application we have all been in trouble before!! well i said, that question is in reference to NA funds stupid!!! then i cried and said i am sorry i am very passionate about this. as you can see i am way, way involved in service, it keeps me clean, it keeps me focused on a solution, it keeps me in the middle of the fellowship. anyway i started this post yesterday and if i don't get to my gratitude list it won't get posted till tomorrow.
  1. today i am grateful for my willingness to be in uncomfortable situations to try to better my fellowship.
  2. today i am grateful for my real friends and being able to let go of those who cannot separate friendship from service work.
  3. today i am grateful for my home group i wish they had more meetings a week.
  4. today i am grateful i did something for my recovery yesterday.
  5. today i am grateful for my sponsor who answered the phone.
  6. today i am grateful to be right here, where my gratitude is.
as i think about some of the rational excuses that have kept me out of meetings this morning i think about how lonely it feels to stand in your own truth. there are members who used to be my friends and now they are not. i have to learn to be OK with not everyone liking me, in the past i would conform to what ever anybody wanted me to be just so they would like me. i would listen to rap music around one friend and country around another, same with my attire, i would change it to suit who ever i was trying to please, and say something to rock the boat was not me, not at all. so i am very uncomfortable with what i am doing today, which means i am growing and soon i will be OK with what i am doing today no matter what anyone thinks. today i am trying to be a part of the solution not the problem and i guess that is ok. for todays thought; "You never find yourself until you face the truth"- Pearl Bailey


Gin said...

I love the positive spin you put on the whole thing. The last quote is THE BEST! That's always the hardest part isn't it?

ChaiLatte said...

Don't lose that passion! I, too, used to think everyone had to like me and if they didn't (or I thought they didn't) then something was wrong with ME. It's an awful way to live, like being held hostage! It's much more freeing when we just be ourselves and stand in our own truth- just as you said!! Great post!

Ms Hen said...

I like that you are have a List of Gratitude..

diane d said...

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about being whatever or whoever you needed to be so people would like you. I'm in the process of learning who the real me is, too. It's a struggle and it's painful, but I know I am on the right path.

Syd said...

I was a chameleon too. I'm glad that I can just be myself today. Your passion for service work is commendable. I'm glad that there are those with that passion. I wrote some about that today.

Lou said...

I'm a group rep for my home group. I didn't fill out questionaires. Actually, they brought it up at a meeting and asked "who wants to do it." No one else raised their hand, so I said I would. It is a 3 year commitment, longer than I wanted. But I will give it my best for as long as I can.

I understand what you are saying, but in my area there are not enough volunteers that we can pick and choose. There are a number of open positions at the district and state level right now.

It is too bad it could not have been discussed in a friendly manner, it was just an idea.

Susan M DeAngelis said...

The truth shall set you free -- Pearl is absolutely right!

Wonderful post... gratitude list.

I know I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm having difficulty verbalizing my gratetude list.


Patrick said...

Rap and Country?

No rock?

J/K, great post, loved the insight, your list and the quote.

g-man said...

Girl...You are one grateful AND positive human being. What a fine example of the power of sobriety!!!

Tall Kay said...

Don't ever let them take away your passion! There are no mistakes in God's world, and being of service at the AA District level has taught me more about love and tolerance than anything else. We are all sick people trying to get well...and some are sicker than others. I have found doing my best to stay "right sized" really helps. If my side of the street is clean, then I know God is with me. I also have found a 'service sponsor' to be a great help.

Keep seeking the will find it!