OK i finally finished my 6th step!! only took me 4 and a half years. do you think i will be at twelve by 10 years? i am hoping to speed up the process but then again my sponsor tells me to try to not have expectations and to live in today, be where my feet are.
so step 6 to recap is "we were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."
what is a character defect and why do i have them. learning about myself in the steps is an incredible gift, what's more learning to see where i start the bad behaviors is very, very humbling. take pride for example. this is a double edged sword, because for me i never knew i had pride, in fact i always hated myself and never liked anything about me. so in recovery i am learning to like myself and take care of myself and have pride in the work i do. but my inner addict has a way of twisting up an asset into a liability. for my character defect this is what i wrote about pride; " for me pride is the part that wants to be right, wants justice wants an apology, wants satisfaction, wants to be noticed, wants people to like my work wants me to be worthy it keeps the fight going. Depending on a situation i can continue to work on something until it's done like with the convention my pride was willing to change my own design and do what everyone else kept asking just so they would accept the artwork.
or i dwell on a problem or issue something i am angry about, like putting the kids to bed, i feel they can just cry themselves to sleep , he feels they need to be coddled. now my pride is creating a "him against me" battle ground where he is the enemy because he is wrong. it is like instead of getting rid of a character defect like low self esteem, it changes into something that feels more powerful or strong like pride and anger. which is ego. but i would rather feel tough and strong with pride and anger than weak and pitiful with low- self esteem and insecurity. now my inner addict has turned a potential asset like to be proud of oneself into a liability. and it gets very tense in this house when i am acting out on this character defect.
with stepwork something i can do is learn to identify what i am feeling by being totally honest with my thoughts and actions and try to apply the spiritual principles of surrender to help me let go of my self will to want to win an argument, nothing is that important. empathy to see what the other person is going through, to hear their side of the story. forgiveness to free myself of the anger that is trying to take over. humility to get me back into reality during an argument and not blow it way out of proportion. look at the issue at hand and love it helps remind me that this person is not the enemy that i do love them and to stop treating them like the enemy.
trust and believe there were many more character defects that we went over these past few months and this is just my journey with the steps, remember i have never done this before so i really am trying to use the tools available to me because when i do turn my will over and i remember to be right where my feet are, i have peace and serenity. being an addict in recovery has taught me a lot, i will always be an addict, and just because i have worked on a character defect does not mean it is gone it means i am aware of it and i have a choice when i am in the moment i can choose to apply my spiritual principles or i can sit and be miserable. today i don't want to be miserable life is too short to not be happy and i need to be constantly vigilant of my recovery. i need to do the work nobody can do this for me. and i cannot do it for anyone else, we all have to find our own way. so i need to remember to pray, check my motives and have some faith that all will be well. all i need to do is follow direction, that is what working the program of NA means to me, to do it someone else's way, because my way never worked for me. today all i have to do is try, if it doesn't work i will try something different.
five things i am grateful for today-
1.my sponsor she has helped me so much getting through these steps
2. Wes's ability to roast coffee, i just had the best cup of sumatra blue batak. my favorite is guatamalan but we couldn't afford it last time.
3. my daughters, right now they keep turning into puppy dogs, it is so cute watching them wag their little buts and pant.
4. my garden has been something of late that has given me lots of joy. i go out there multiple times a day and sometimes just watch it grow.
5. i am grateful for chocolate pudding, i love chocolate pudding it is yummy and smooth and creamy.
todays thought; "God doesn't require us to succeed; he only requires that you try."- Mother Teresa