so i called my sponsor yesterday and she wasn't there. so i called 3 other women and no answer there either. well it was not such a great day anyway i was exhausted from the bean being up all night, my sinus's were draining and i had a horrible headache i think maybe a summer cold, or the swine flu. so "A" made dinner, i did not go to a meeting as i was laying down and then viola, my sponsor called.
so i told her of my dilemma, and how Wes said we were putting the house on the market. then i told her how i felt when i suggested that we put a deposit on an apartment, they could hold for us through august, and he shut me down. she said what else is new. you have been having communication problems. then i told her i haven't heard from my sister, and she said, where is your sister? i said they are in Juarez Mexico, then she goes, "this is not a good time to be going to Mexico" with a hint of panic in her voice. i said "uh, duh?" that is what i told you my concerns last week. it was like she never even heard me!! then she said well i know but i just watched a documentary about that place and it is not good. DUH!!!!!
so with communicating to Wes my problem is this, i feel like when he shuts me down it is like "no we are doing it my way" he doesn't say that but that is how i feel. then i just say whatever and supposedly let it go, right? wrong, because i end up stewing over it and i feel like i am not being heard, hello and then it back builds, until something inane happens and i pounce on him and just start a huge screaming match out of left field. so how do i stop that from happening, that is my real question and that is what i tried to convey to my sponsor that i see this pattern and it is in the beginning part and i don't want to just stuff it.
so last night after Wes got back from his meeting i tried to explain it to him. i said "Wes when you said that we were not putting a down payment on a place you shut me down, it made me feel like my opinion didn't matter." he looked at me and started to speak, and i interrupted him, "please let me speak, so i said nothing and you thought i was getting short with you, the problem is you do this all the time and i am trying to keep it out in the open so it doesn't turn into a fight. i end up not letting go and then fighting about it later when we are talking about something else." so he said "uh- huh". and i just said " i am trying to not stuff my feelings so that we don't end up fighting." and that was that. then of course i tossed and turned about it all night because i was stuck on his enlightened "uh-huh" like does he not know i am trying here!!" so my addict had expectations there about him actually showing me some gratitude for not picking a fight.
so i haven't called my sponsor yet, as she works 3rd shift. and today i am the one getting the counseling session and i am anticipating it being a "beat up the addict mom" session. so a little worried there, and i told my sponsor i would call her afterward. i have to go get a prescription for my brother, and then to the gym, i don't want to stop going so i need to hurry this a bit, gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful that i didn't get into a fight with Wes last night.
2. today i am grateful for my back not hurting as it has been.
3. today i am grateful my garden continues to grow, i have 36 green tomatoes out there.
4. today i am grateful that i do not care who reads this, this blog is about how i am feeling and i am able to share what i need to share.
5. today i am grateful i do not go to hostile or bigoted meetings. it is not my responsibility to police the NA meetings, i just need to work on my recovery.
todays thought;"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about
learning how to dance in the rain."- anonymous
6 comments:
You are going through a lot right now in your life, but it sounds like you are working the steps and handling it well. Good for you!
Oh dear, it's good you do the daily gratitude list. It really helps to focus when so much other stuff is going on.
Maybe Wes is like my husband..he comes back a day or two later to talk about stuff. My husband has to think it over, let it settle in, whatever..maybe he is slow (LOL) I'm very impatient for an answer right on the spot, but he just cannot do that. I have learned to let it sink in, and try again in a few days.
I totally understand. I have had discussions with my wife about not listening. And sometimes we don't listen to each other. I do think that our open mindedness has improved but when I feel that there is a stubborn reluctance, I also speak up and ask for a sit down to discuss it.
My sponsor is older than I and has some memory issues at times. He is a great fellow. But I have had to speak up about his not hearing what I'm saying either. He will filter things through his own experience which includes his many children. I can't relate to that. So we talk about his putting words in my mouth or misinterpreting what I am saying. It keeps things honest between us.
Just some thoughts.
The saying at the beginning and the end sum it up. Sponsors are not super humans. They are people with problems too. They don't always listen. But they try.
You can add another saying in the middle " Husbands are human too." They don't always listen or do what we expect of them. They fail us. But they like us need to be loved.
And life is indeed learning how to dance in the rain. I do think your going to make it.
All I know is that when I stuff my thoughts and feelings, that makes me very sick.
I'm glad you were able to get so much that was on your mind out in your blog. Sometimes the act of putting it down on paper on by keyboard helps me see things a little clearer later on.
Recovery is slow, but it does happen.
God bless,
PG
A lot of "addict moms" around these days.
Lots of everything around these days.
But you have a sponsor. So many I meet do not. What a waste of precious recovery time!
So dance my child, dance in or out of the rain, but dance, ballerina, dance.
(That's how I feel right now!) Do not fear enjoying life...we absolutely insist on it! (BB)
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