so i called my sponsor yesterday and she wasn't there. so i called 3 other women and no answer there either. well it was not such a great day anyway i was exhausted from the bean being up all night, my sinus's were draining and i had a horrible headache i think maybe a summer cold, or the swine flu. so "A" made dinner, i did not go to a meeting as i was laying down and then viola, my sponsor called.
so i told her of my dilemma, and how Wes said we were putting the house on the market. then i told her how i felt when i suggested that we put a deposit on an apartment, they could hold for us through august, and he shut me down. she said what else is new. you have been having communication problems. then i told her i haven't heard from my sister, and she said, where is your sister? i said they are in Juarez Mexico, then she goes, "this is not a good time to be going to Mexico" with a hint of panic in her voice. i said "uh, duh?" that is what i told you my concerns last week. it was like she never even heard me!! then she said well i know but i just watched a documentary about that place and it is not good. DUH!!!!!
so with communicating to Wes my problem is this, i feel like when he shuts me down it is like "no we are doing it my way" he doesn't say that but that is how i feel. then i just say whatever and supposedly let it go, right? wrong, because i end up stewing over it and i feel like i am not being heard, hello and then it back builds, until something inane happens and i pounce on him and just start a huge screaming match out of left field. so how do i stop that from happening, that is my real question and that is what i tried to convey to my sponsor that i see this pattern and it is in the beginning part and i don't want to just stuff it.
so last night after Wes got back from his meeting i tried to explain it to him. i said "Wes when you said that we were not putting a down payment on a place you shut me down, it made me feel like my opinion didn't matter." he looked at me and started to speak, and i interrupted him, "please let me speak, so i said nothing and you thought i was getting short with you, the problem is you do this all the time and i am trying to keep it out in the open so it doesn't turn into a fight. i end up not letting go and then fighting about it later when we are talking about something else." so he said "uh- huh". and i just said " i am trying to not stuff my feelings so that we don't end up fighting." and that was that. then of course i tossed and turned about it all night because i was stuck on his enlightened "uh-huh" like does he not know i am trying here!!" so my addict had expectations there about him actually showing me some gratitude for not picking a fight.
so i haven't called my sponsor yet, as she works 3rd shift. and today i am the one getting the counseling session and i am anticipating it being a "beat up the addict mom" session. so a little worried there, and i told my sponsor i would call her afterward. i have to go get a prescription for my brother, and then to the gym, i don't want to stop going so i need to hurry this a bit, gratitude list 5 things;
1. today i am grateful that i didn't get into a fight with Wes last night.
2. today i am grateful for my back not hurting as it has been.
3. today i am grateful my garden continues to grow, i have 36 green tomatoes out there.
4. today i am grateful that i do not care who reads this, this blog is about how i am feeling and i am able to share what i need to share.
5. today i am grateful i do not go to hostile or bigoted meetings. it is not my responsibility to police the NA meetings, i just need to work on my recovery.
todays thought;"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about
learning how to dance in the rain."- anonymous