Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Grateful, Recovering Addict

what a wild weekend and what an emotional day. first off we had so much fun this weekend it should have been illegal. the kids got sunburned and had a blast everyone ate and fellow shipped and had a great time in all i would say there were about 75 campers and about 50- 60 day trippers on saturday alone. we had 3 other campouts to compete with and we still had a fantastic turnout. i feel it had a lot to do with the meals being provided and making it cost effective for everyone around what with layoffs and all we still had a bunch of recovering folks being able to afford a great time with their family.
then the emotional roller coaster and i don't even know where it came from, i was going to post last night but felt so miserable i just couldn't do it. i felt so in panic and fear my whole being just consumed with insecurity and ego and i was edgy and angry and i cried a lot. and it was all for nothing, or maybe something i don't know. i know i couldn't surrender and live in the moment and i could not for the life of me pick up a phone or sit down and write i was just suddenly filled with self loathing and fear and all the negativity of a using addict. you know i read about david carradine and how they found him hanging in a closet in bankok. his family just refuses to believe he killed himself, they say that he battled addiction years ago and won, that he was better but we addicts are never better we are in recovery and need to always be vigilant in working our program or how quickly it can come up and consume, it is hard for earthlings (non-addicts) to grasp this. yes he fought his addiction but an addict is never cured and as i read his story it scared me and i felt for him because i knew his addiction got the better of him. it almost got the better of me and it was just that quick. it is so hard for family members to grasp just how powerful this disease is and that using drugs is just a symptom of that disease. for me drugs can take the shape of any form for example a cheeseburger and fries. i know a lot of people laugh at the concept but anything i use outside of myself to make me feel full inside is my drug of choice today. and what i am then lacking is a CC or Conscious Contact with my HP or higher power. i struggle with my character defects and do not want to settle today, my program tells me i do not have to settle and yet i do not go to the gym, i do not get together with my sponsor as often as i should and i feel homeless without a home group. my group is shutting down and we tried to keep it open for 2 years with no support now the new meeting schedules were just the nail in the coffin for us our meeting is posted on the wrong night and no one has the right information. i really needed to post since i haven't since friday and my sponsor asked if i do gratitude list and i told her that i usually do that on wednesdays so she said to practice writing 5 things i am grateful for each day to try to keep me in the moment because i am having trouble staying in today. so here goes;
1. today i am grateful for my sponsor and taking the time to go over my character defects. just talking removed a ton of fear and anxiety today.
2. today i am grateful that i could appreciate hearing my girls giggling in the halls today. though i spent most of it in hiding so that i wouldn't yell at my children i did hear the laughter and really appreciated it.
3. today i am grateful for my garden and how wonderfully it is coming in i need to post some pictures maybe tomorrow.
4. today i am grateful for my boyfriend Wes. he listened to me completely broken down and crying and feeling all negative and told me that i mean the world to him. he asked me what needed to be done and asked me to change my plans to take care of myself, he told me it was ok to take care of myself and let the rest go. he shows me everyday how much he loves me and our family and sometimes i try to run away from it. and through it all he still loves me, kind of korny but he truly is my other half. the rational half!!
5. today i am grateful for my health, i have no diabetes, no cancer, cholesterol is great and all my screenings were perfect. i am blessed with good health today and for that i am grateful.

see it does feel better to focus on the good things in life. i am also grateful for this blog and my fellow bloggers who take time to take a look at how we are doing and drop a line to show you care. this is really a great thing and i am so grateful i started blogging. todays thought;
Five rules to be happy.
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.



Shadow said...

inexplicable moods, that come and go. i hear ya! hugs!!!

Gabriella Moonlight said...

This is an amazing writing..I so relate to so much of what you've said...those moods move and although they move they are still a reality. Thank you for being here today!

Syd said...

I call this the roller coaster of life. Recognizing that it occurs and will pass (hopefully quickly) helps. I tell my sponsees the same thing--do the gratitude list every day.

Anonymous said...

I am a non-addict married to an addict and I'm trying to understand what he is going through. You are right, it is hard for families to grasp how powerful the disease is. I'm still trying to figure it out.
He recently had a relapse and I just didn't get it. I never will.
I hope by reading your blog, and others, I might get a better idea of what he's dealing with. I basically know, but to hear stories/thoughts from others going through the same thing is one way I can learn to be more supportive.
I liked the five rules to be happy at the end.
Great blog!!

Michelle said...


Thanks for popping by my blog (via Cliff). I love your banner photo. So beautiful! :-)