Wednesday, June 24, 2009

letting go looking forward

well the therapy session is kicking in, i am coming to an acceptance that my daughter will never forgive me. it has been over a year with this counselor and we are still at square one. the counselor says "A" says her mother died, when my mom died. um, all i know is i cannot keep allowing her to manipulate me, she has this way where she will come to me and ignore wes and ask me for something, then i go to him and ask for her. this is an effort to avoid tension and to of course achieve the unattainable, make her love me. this is my problem, my monster i created it all by myself.
so i have these two really adorable little girls who light up a room when i walk in and i cherish them so much it hurts. and all i can do is use "A" as a reminder of what these girls will feel like if i ever relapse. and it really, really hurts.
so how does one detach? how do i not get angry at her unwillingness to let go of the past and live today. how do i not let my feelings get hurt by this little girl? i don't know what to do. i did not call my sponsor, because i didn't want to hear it. you know she would say something like "well suzie, you have been doing this for a long time now and when you are done letting her hurt you you will be done." when what i am looking for is some i don't know an answer that is like a recipe card, you add flour and milk and get pancakes ok i want a clear and honest suggestion something tangible that i can look at and see and try. i have willingness to try really i just do not know what i need to do.
it is like the coming to believe thing, i don't know how i did it i just did. i know what i did to get here, step work. this is really hard because the reason i got into recovery, the thing that made me quit, was my daughter. i thought i would do this recovery thing and she would forgive me and all would be well. mom forgave me, my mother was very proud of my recovery, i had 3 years when she died, i took my coin to her in the nursing home to show her, she had her eyes open and smiled. now part of me is angry at her. for smoking those fucking cigarettes for so long for getting sick and not being here to help. i hate cigarettes i hope one day they get banned completely.
on another topic i mowed the yards today and i had this netting up for my snap peas to climb on and a little robin got caught in it. i tried to untangle him and had "A" go get the gal across the street to help me, we managed to get all the netting cut off the little guy and when we went to release him, he flew right back into the netting!! then through it then away. but i was like "NOO" poor little thing so i took down all the netting, my peas weren't doing so well anyway and i need my robins in the garden, they are meat eaters you know.
the space age tarp they installed is getting dryer, tomorrow they will come in and install a sump pump, they will call an electrition to hook up the electrical socket and they will find the lowest spot and dig in the dirt and put the thing in there and this will all be done at the rock bottom price of $550. installation included!! i still don't know why my paperwork says very clearly that this stupid thing will keep ground water out period, not with a sump pump but the liner will keep ground water from coming though so why do i have to pay any more money!!!
we had a great day today though, i took the girls to the pool and we all got a little too much sun, we are going again tomorrow, i have been to work out 2X this week so this makes week number 3 now and i have been getting stronger again. i hope. so i will go again tomorrow. this is a good thing. so i guess that is all i got, oh gratitude list right 5 things ok;
1. today i am grateful for getting to know my neighbors those wonderful people that help with abandoned yards and tangled birds. thanks to you guys out there who care.
2. today i am grateful for my farmers tan. it took me 3 years in recovery to wear tank tops and shorts. i hated my body that much so i would wear long sleeve and pants in 110 degree weather, well not today, i even wear a great big swim suit!! this is good.
3. today i am grateful for my awareness, and not forgetting the past, i do not ever want to go there again.
4. today i am grateful for my fearlessness. i am able to step out and try new things in life today. that is a lot of fun.
5. today i am grateful for my blogging community who takes time out of thier precious day to read my thoughts and give me words of encouragement. my gratitude speaks beyond measure to all of you who care so much. it gives me hope and faith because i know i am not alone and i am connected to a greater community. thank you for stopping by and saying hi.
today's thought;"Forgiveness is loyalty to the truth of who you are. To truly forgive someone is to recognize who they are, to admit and affirm who they are, and to know that their best selves will be brought out only in the presence of an accepting and believing person. Forgiveness is basically the act of believing in another person and not allowing that person to be destroyed by self hatred. Forgiveness involves helping people uncover their self-worth, which is usually crusted over by their own self-hatred. This is a way of forgiving people that does not make you look good but makes them look good. That's the way God forgives us. In the act of forgiveness, God gives us back our dignity and self-worth. God is loyal to the truth that we are. God affirms that we are good persons who have sinned. God asserts that we are not bad."--Richard Rohr


Gin said...

Love that last quote and love your gratitude list. I am grateful for my bloggy community too. It really helps doesn't it?

Shadow said...

the situation with your girl is hard and tough and obviously hurts. only thing i can wish for you is patience and pray that time will change her perspective. and it should. after all, sooner or later she'll have to recognise that you are not the same person you once were. and those are her battles to conquer. her demons to put to rest. you sound like me. want to fix something, want to do it now, tell me how, step by step, done. life isn't like that, sadly. so, back to my wishes for you. you're in my prayers. both of you!

Syd said...

It is what it is with the daughter. I hope that she will let go of her resentment. But it is hers to own. I can read what a caring person you are. Your gratitude for being clean is there. Rejoice in all that is around you. If the daughter comes around, then so be it. Meanwhile you have living to do.

Busy Bee Suz said...

I love the fact that you finally love yourself. It may take a bit more time for your oldest. I promise you, when she gets some more maturity in her, she will come around. Right now, she is young and angry at the past. She WILL come around. You need not walk on eggshells though, this gives her more power I think. She has to realize you are the adult and she is not...It will work out eventually.
You are doing a great job...glad to hear you helped the Robin...silly bird just wanted some peas I suppose.
Take care, suz

ps. I am a little offended that you don't like my green boxer. Kidding, I could care less. :0
He is going to be awesome when he grows in!!! (no flowers, just greenery, like a disney topiary!)

Prayer Girl said...

Recovery is a slow process. The healing of relationships is slow also.

Keep praying, keep working on yourself and changing, and place the relationship between you and your daughter in God's hands.

Keep faith and trust that God can do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

Prayer Girl

Susan at Stony River said...

Oh I wish we could sit and talk. Everything I did over the past 20 years was for my oldest daughter and she hates me for it: she's moving out soon and some days I just feel so hopeless about us, when after all how can I change what's past now?

Hang in there; you've got one of most inspiring blogs I've read in a long long time. Keep saving robins and loving your kids and enjoying your tan!