Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Walking through the hard times in my head

"In forgiving ourselves, we make the journey from guilt for what we
have done (or not done) to celebration of what we have become."
--Joan Borysenko

The past week has been very emotional and difficult to bear. I never thought about using dope, I did think about running away. I thought about not being worthy and not wanting to continue. I thought the kids would be better off without me and I projected a future where I would probably ruin their lives like I had ruined "A's". I sat on a huge pity pot and I stayed very, very miserable. I finally got an answer from Wes on my question to him and I am very OK with it. So that really helped me get out of my #%it. I also called on a friend who is almost like a second sponsor and she helped me a lot for which I am very grateful.

I lost my gratitude last week and it is scary how quickly this addict forgets what is good and what is real. It is scary how quickly I forget reality and start to listen to my inner addict and believe the lies all over again. I finished my tutorials and I am working on some "test" pictures for Libby, photoshop is on the fritz right now and needs a reboot. Wes is working on stuff on the other side of the computer and I feel like shutting it down anyway just so I can do my work.

This is something I need to share and do not feel safe sharing in a meeting in Wichita, my sister and her husband are going to Juarez in June. He is trying to become an American citizen. So he will have to stay there for a period of time and my sister needs to go to the consulate with her two children ages 3 and 7 with her to show that the youngest does have a medical condition, seizures, and that they(the kids) exist. I know this is a touchy subject and I know the level of intolerance there is for my people. Me being only half Mexican and looking more Caucasian spares me a lot of bigotry and grief in dealing with intolerable people. Except in some meetings where my anonymity is blown out of the water because many members know my heritage. And do not have one issue with making a racist "joke" several times during or after the meeting while I am there. This is why I don't attend so many meetings, but also a different subject. my issue here is I don't want my nephews to go to Juarez Mexico. I don't want my sister and her husband to go either. They are adults and know the consequences to their actions, my nephews don't nor do they deserve to have to go to a drug war torn part of the country. I have said my piece to my brother and I tried to tell my sister to leave the kids here with us but she insists it is the only way to "fast track" his citizenship. So this will be going in my God Box probably more than once. I know I shouldn't act like my area is the only place with issues about immigrants. I read about the father of two who was beaten to death by teenagers and they were acquitted of murder. No big deal though, just another "dirty wetback" these white kids have their whole future ahead of them. I know not to go to Pennsylvania any time soon.

I am grateful a little more today then last week. I still have a bit of a funk I am in but I am grateful to have a place where I can share what is going on with me today. "My Recovery" is a blog about how I recover as an addict everyday. Recovery from addiction is not limited to drugs, the tentacles of addiction run through every aspect of my life. The addict in me wants to react compulsively to life and the things I do not agree with. The person I am trying to become does not want to live that way anymore. And I do not want that for my children. So I do not teach my children to "hate back". I teach them that some people need more prayers then others. some people are more sad and don't know how to share their feelings. My oldest daughter is the one getting these lessons today. She sees more than the little ones about the intolerance in the world today. She saw the mighty Fred Phelps in town and wanted to go and demonstrate against him. I told her, if you do that he wins. I explained to her that it wasn't necessary to go out and scream at a brick wall. Nothing she would say would change the way that man and his "followers" felt about her uncle and the millions of others they target with their hate. I was in a meeting where a man was talking about diversity in meetings, and the barriers he dealt with as an African- American. And he said "Sometimes it is easier to not go to the meetings and tell members that their way of thinking is wrong. Sometimes it is easier to just not deal with it. Running away from the problem does not make the problem go away, we know this from past experiences as addicts. We as addicts need to learn to stand in our own truths and when we feel someone is saying things that do not belong in NA we need to find our voice and say so."
This man did not put it quite so nicely, he used a lot of colorful words and he made me laugh at myself, he also made a lot of members uncomfortable as they left the room. I am looking for strength to stand in my own truth. Not just in meetings but in my real everyday life. This is part of my recovery, so when I go to a meeting I should feel free to share everything that goes on in my life. But if a group decides to allow bad behavior in their meeting halls I need to let them have their meetings and go else where.

I have a lot of blessings in my life today. I am healthy, I do not have diabetes, I have 3 beautiful girls who give me more joy then one heart can handle. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and my girls and wants to take care of us for the rest of our lives. I have a home, I have a lot of wonderful friends, I have my service work and my fellowship. I am so grateful for my service work because it shows me there is more to NA than what I sometimes see here at home. I have a beautiful garden, I have never in my life grown anything and yet I am learning how to grow a garden!! I am getting to a point in my life where I will be out of debt very soon, I know a lot of people who will be in debt for the rest of their lives, so I have a lot of gratitude for this. I have a community of support from some wonderful people I have never even met who have taken precious time out of their day to read my thoughts and leave me some of the most enriching comments and encouraging words I have ever heard. Thank you. Thank you for caring about me. todays thought;
"When you are grateful-- when you can see what you have-- you unlock blessings to flow in your life."- Suze Orman


Mike Golch said...

we all stumble sometimes.the main thing is that you did not use.running away not that great of an option either.Talking about what you are goung through is the best option,as I have always maintained a problem shared is one cut in half.you have a lot of friends and caring people out here in blogland.{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Syd said...

You sound great and with all those blessings, each day will reveal something wonderful and good. I'm glad that you write and that you share your feelings here.

Darlene Siddons said...

hey...i know what you mean...those "ghosts" in our mind/head can be very distracting....i use Vision Map Videos to center me and my mind...check them out....and here is to us being sober and of sound mind...


Findon said...

It's a long journey. Sometimes I forget that. Progress not perfection gives me room to stumble some times. But I have to take the long view and look at my life in it's entirety.
Take care of yourself and go easy.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

Hola Chica, I have moved from Oregon to WV...trust me they don't even know what a Mexican is here (of which like you, I am, but am more white looking) and the best mexican food we get here is Taco Bell...LOL..I'm not kidding.

In terms of your family...you have said what you can, now it's up to your higher power.

In terms of the past...we will not shut the door on it, but we don't have to dwell there anymore, thank goodness..it sounds like you are doing amazingly well, and you are amazing..keep up the gratitude.


Pat said...

Great blessing list, I hope you do find a meeting where you are comfortable, and I am especially happy that you didn't try to escape by using.

Lou said...

I want to say I feel the majority of people in this country are tolerant, and empathize with other cultures. Unfortunately the hate mongers make the most noise, they do not speak for me or most others.

Shadow said...

you're sounding good despite that first paragraph. your gratitude lists certainly seem to do it for you. and me. and many others. your posts are always a pleasure to read.

G-Man said...

Your glass is HALF-FULL!!
Your glass is HALF-FULL!!
You know it, you just have to believe it...:-)

Indigo said...

There are days that it's hard to remember those simple things that are of value to our hearts and minds. I've been needing to remind myself of this simple thing lately.

May we both see how truly full filling life truly is. (Hugs)Indigo