ramblings of an addict

I sure hope every mom out there had a wonderful mothers day. mine had its good points and bad. i struggled this weekend with appreciating mothers day with my mother gone. it seems to have lost it's importance now that i don't have a mother. i had girlfriends call me to tell me happy mothers day and i was like "am i supposed to call women and tell them happy mothers day, even though they are not my mom?"
i am struggling with step 6 and my "pride". it has taken me over 4 years to see that i have pride, only it is not the usual definition of pride, you know it is like redefining your higher power. when i came into NA i thought i knew what "God" was and the definition of said "God" was that he was mean and spiteful and ready to smite my sinnin' ass straight to hell where i belonged.

in NA we are taught to believe in a higher power, something that is stronger than our addiction and something that is loving and caring, and that is all the definition i need today to have faith and for that i am grateful. the same is true in the meaning of my definition of "pride" where i never knew i had pride was because of my constant self loathing of myself that people who were proud were the ones that were conceited to themselves being proud of themselves. and to me pride was an asset that i did not have. today it is a liability because for me it is my pride that keeps me fighting. like i want to "win" an argument so my pride will go to any lengths to say whatever it is to make the other person wrong. my pride keeps me brimming with anger for hours when all i want to do is let go and say so what i sit and stay angry with my loved ones and my pride hurts me.
i feel as if i am stuck on stupid because i am not moving forward. this weekend was hard because i chose not to talk about my feelings and how i miss my mother. i chose not to speak up about being able to work on my tutorials, then when i tried to speak up it got all messed up and i did not get a hold of my sponsor so i stayed mad. it sucks when your sponsor works 3rd shift and you cannot get her to call you back. so today i woke up tired and sad and i yelled at my babies a couple of times. today is my grandmothers birthday, i used to send her flowers every year. she passed away on february 25, 2005. i had been clean 42 days.

so i can see now that this weekend was hard because i could not be honest with my feelings and i tried to manipulate around it and all i did was create chaos in my soul. i still have to finish my tutorials and i have not been to the gym in a month and well my garden is looking pretty good and my Haley is smiling at me right now. So i will worry about the tutorials in a bit, my children want to play with me. i hope i can surrender today and be ok with grieving my mother. i hope you are all blessed with serenity and happiness, today's thought;

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never
between you and them anyway."

--written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta