i remember one day, when "A" was little and i was with 'captain stupid' still. we had decided to shampoo the carpets and fumigate the house. so we set about to get the dishes out to the garage and start with the carpets early since we rented the cleaner and had it only for a short time. this was an ugly little house with green carpet throughout. even in the kitchen. i hate carpets in the kitchen to this day.
back then when 'captain stupid' told you to do something, it had to be done. now. so he told me to start taking the stacks of dishes out to the garage. fast. well the walk to the garage was dirt and on that day it was mud. we lived in Michigan. a little town he took me to called Ionia and it is pronounced, 'i own ya' and i know he thought he did. his father was in the Michigan Militia, sick stuff. anyway i began to run the dishes out to the garage, getting my feet muddy from the back door. we also had a front door and i thought that naturally he was going to start cleaning the carpets from the front to the back, since i was running in and out. he decided to start in the kitchen. while i was running dishes out i got mud on the carpets.
he saw the mud and got very, very angry. he started screaming at me, then hitting me. he threw me on the ground it was so fast. i was screaming 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry'. he thought i did it on purpose. i didn't know what he expected me to do. next thing i know he was on top of me and he came down on my face and bit my eye. i heard this crunching sound. then he jumped up and ran to the bathroom. i cupped my hand over my eye and there was blood everywhere. i was wearing his shirt and my main concern was to not get any blood on his shirt on purpose the repercussions would have been awful. he got me a towel. i did not spill any blood. when i got to the mirror, you could see his teeth marks from my cheek up to my forehead and going into my hairline on the left side of my face. that was it. there was no hiding it and i was a manager at the local K-Mart.
we came up with this elaborate story of moving furniture, and it was big wood framed and it fell on my face. i know it sounds stupid now, but that was my story and i was sticking to it. back then he had a way of interrogating me, from the time i got out of the car until the time i stepped back into the car he would have every word that came out of my mouth during the day. and he would start interrogating me as soon as i got into the car.
this incident, was the last time he hit me in the face, or anywhere any one could visibly see. i remember a time after that when we were living on his fathers property in a town called Fenwick i believe it was something like that. anyway the baby had a puppy and we kept her in the bathroom, she was little and teething. she chewed on things. well this was his step mothers trailer. the dog chewed up the linoleum in the bathroom. Captain Stupid was furious. absolutely livid and he went into that bathroom and we could hear the most God Awful screams from that puppy. the baby started crying because daddy was killing her puppy. i held her tight and she was so upset and looked up at me in fear. fear. So i went in there and tried to stop him.
when i got into the bathroom i saw him ripping the dogs teeth out of her head. i lost it and started screaming at him and pounding my fists on his back. he whirled around and gave me a right hook to the chin. i saw a white flash and fell backwards. he then grabbed me and threw me on the bed. he grabbed the baseball bat. i blacked out after the first couple of hits to my back. i don't know how many times he hit me. i woke up a couple of days later still on the bed and i couldn't move. there were welts all down the back of my legs and my back. about a year ago i learned that i have osteo-arthritis in my lower back, the doctors say it looked like i was in a massive car accident at some point. but there was never any car accident.
it took me 5 years to get away from this man. that was 14 years ago. the only thing good that came out of that relationship is graduating high school this year.
the man i am with today is kind and gentle and for the most part doesn't get upset. he is not perfect. he has adhd and it is pretty severe. and somedays he is not happy. it is on those days that i over react. through no fault of his own he is stuck with my over reactions to getting flooded with emotions that tell me i need to run. fight or flee, as my therapist calls it.
i felt much better after i left therapy last night. though i was still scared about getting to the point that i did last week i asked him what do i do when i get that upset. we talked about dealing with anger. and why i get so upset and flooded. he gave me a couple of things to do before i get angry.
it is very, very important to practice mindfulness. to be mindful of my feeling and catch it ASAP. then to work with action and do the opposite of the urge of anger. he told me the urge of anger, when i am angry my urge is to attack. the opposite of that is gentle avoidance.
this is all strange and very, very new to me and i hope i can practice. i wish i didn't have to practice but my therapist tells me i will have plenty of opportunity to practice. it is humbling. i try to get it perfect the first time, so i don't fuck up. sometimes i fall way short of perfection, in fact sometimes i end up way over in left field.
all i know right now is i don't want to be angry. i don't want to over react to normal situations. i just want to be normal. my therapist says that with the horrible and extremely difficult living situations i grew up in and continued into my adult life, that my brain has taught itself to be in this survival mode. and when i feel like i am in a situation that looks like the past, i react as i do.
i don't want to be a reactor any more. i want to be fixed. i want this roller coaster to stop. sometimes i am just tired of trying to fix it. thinking of how fucked up i am makes me sad. and i forget all the progress i made and that i am making.
i do feel so much better today. i am glad i went to therapy last night, i needed to process the guilt and shame of last week out. i had been carrying it all week and i think i can move forward with my thoughts today. i am going to the gym, of course, and getting ready to focus on this weekend. there is so much that needs to be done. thank you, if you are still taking the time to read this, i appreciate it. i am going to make me some wonderful coffee and check up on all of my peeps. i hope everyone has a great day.
today's thought; 'If I only had three words of advise, they would be, Tell the Truth. If I got three more words, I'd add, all the time.'- Randy Pausch