Wednesday, October 13, 2010

crossroads

ever been at a crossroads. a place in your life where a decision will change the course of your life as you know it? I've been here before. it should be familiar as i have crossed this many times not knowing if the direction i choose is the right one. it is an uncomfortable process and yet i cannot sit here and wallow i have to decide to take action for my life. what do i want to do with it. what will give me the most sanity and serenity.

yesterday was especially difficult for me emotionally. it felt like i was completely isolated, like i lost a friend, another friend, and that i was completely worthless. i was highly agitated and emotional. so i called Wes. i was scared. scared i was going to hurt myself. it was making sense to me. so i called Wes and he came home and held me and told me he would take care of me. he told me it was ok to cry. i needed that. and yet i feel so helpless when i cannot contain my emotions. i was so angry at myself. i felt pathetic. i did not want to go to therapy. i went. it is like i am telling on myself when i have to go during troubled mind times. we did not practice any emdr therapy. instead he practiced the dbt therapy. i have a wonderful team of therapists, they are just awesome.

we discussed the varying states of mind and how when i am backed in a corner, and especially by a man, i go on the defence because the way the brain stores memories is by association. and of course it is natural for me to associate a man getting aggressive as a trigger of danger and my mind puts me in fight or flee mode. i told him i am tired of this happening over little things. he said it will take time to work through this to retrain my mind to not associate current events with past events.

he tried to explain to me the concept of the 'wise mind' and i mostly understood it. if you take 2 circles and over lap them you have one side that is the reasonable mind and one side that is the emotional side. in the middle where they intersect there is the wise mind. that is the part that balances reason and emotion. the human mind. i need to work in that zone and think what would the 'wise mind' do. i know what the unreasonable emotional side thinks, and i know how the robotic reasonable mind thinks. today i am not ready to be reasonable. i need to find a middle ground where i can stand up for myself without going crazy and saying mean things. that is a very uncomfortable thought because i am not used to it.

why can't we all just be happy and get along? why does it have to come to this. i mean before the main meeting we were all joking and getting along and having a good time. he could have talked to me anytime. i don't understand this. my therapist says i am still 'smarting' from the confrontation. i love my friend, i don't want to lose her friendship yet her fiance was lobbing bombs at me in the business meeting. and he was the one i told to 'f' himself. and she is my friend and how do i talk to her now. i think i need to wait until my emotional side calms down a little more. i never meant to hurt her or him.

i will not sit here and wallow in my decisions, today i will go to the sewing machine store and figure out how to thread my machine, and i will go to the gym. after i read some blogs first.

today's thought; "Self pity is one of the most dangerous forms of self-centeredness. It fogs our vision."- Kathy S.

7 comments:

Dianne said...

This was very helpful today. Crossroads/epiphany, call what you will. Our community is hurting with the arrest of a public/medical/youth leader on child sex charges. I am in the emotional mind, which is not very functional. I will look for the wise mind today as I try to help others, and will be helped myself. Focus on breathing.

Kelly said...

gosh, it sounds like Wes is super supportive and really there for you. I am glad you have that.

Thanks for sharing that part about the wise mind. I've never heard of it, but it makes sense.

I think that decisions that change our lives are meant to happen, regardless of how much we want them to, unfortunately (fortunately?).

Enjoy your sewing machine. Last fall I did a quilt by hand :) But I love that quilt :) it gave me many minutes of meditation.

Kim A. said...

When you said you were going to the sewing store it reminded me of how stubborn I can be when trying to thread a needle. I will not get my glasses, I will not have proper lighting, and I will keep trying to thread the damn thing till a)I have stuck myself and the blood is interfering with the threading process or b)I have melted into a puddle of frustration at being so dumb I can't thread a needle. I just thought how easy it would be to just get the right tools. But then, I am a slow learner. ::hugs and keep the faith, kiddo, tomorrow is another day,breathe::

♥namaste♥

Syd said...

I am glad that Wes was there for you. He loves you. That is awesome. The time will come that it feels right to make amends to your friend and her fiance. Take care of yourself.

Mama Zen said...

I'm glad that Wes was there for you. Breathe deep.

Jingle said...

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I invite you to attend Thursday Poets Rally week 31.
sign in, link in a poem, visit and comment for 18 poets, get yourself known to the community.
let me know when you are ready.
Thanks a lot.

Annette said...

:o( Be gentle with yourself. It takes two to have an argument. It sounds like you weren't alone there in that conflict at the business meeting. You can only repair your side. Its all you are in charge of.