crossroads

ever been at a crossroads. a place in your life where a decision will change the course of your life as you know it? I've been here before. it should be familiar as i have crossed this many times not knowing if the direction i choose is the right one. it is an uncomfortable process and yet i cannot sit here and wallow i have to decide to take action for my life. what do i want to do with it. what will give me the most sanity and serenity.

yesterday was especially difficult for me emotionally. it felt like i was completely isolated, like i lost a friend, another friend, and that i was completely worthless. i was highly agitated and emotional. so i called Wes. i was scared. scared i was going to hurt myself. it was making sense to me. so i called Wes and he came home and held me and told me he would take care of me. he told me it was ok to cry. i needed that. and yet i feel so helpless when i cannot contain my emotions. i was so angry at myself. i felt pathetic. i did not want to go to therapy. i went. it is like i am telling on myself when i have to go during troubled mind times. we did not practice any emdr therapy. instead he practiced the dbt therapy. i have a wonderful team of therapists, they are just awesome.

we discussed the varying states of mind and how when i am backed in a corner, and especially by a man, i go on the defence because the way the brain stores memories is by association. and of course it is natural for me to associate a man getting aggressive as a trigger of danger and my mind puts me in fight or flee mode. i told him i am tired of this happening over little things. he said it will take time to work through this to retrain my mind to not associate current events with past events.

he tried to explain to me the concept of the 'wise mind' and i mostly understood it. if you take 2 circles and over lap them you have one side that is the reasonable mind and one side that is the emotional side. in the middle where they intersect there is the wise mind. that is the part that balances reason and emotion. the human mind. i need to work in that zone and think what would the 'wise mind' do. i know what the unreasonable emotional side thinks, and i know how the robotic reasonable mind thinks. today i am not ready to be reasonable. i need to find a middle ground where i can stand up for myself without going crazy and saying mean things. that is a very uncomfortable thought because i am not used to it.

why can't we all just be happy and get along? why does it have to come to this. i mean before the main meeting we were all joking and getting along and having a good time. he could have talked to me anytime. i don't understand this. my therapist says i am still 'smarting' from the confrontation. i love my friend, i don't want to lose her friendship yet her fiance was lobbing bombs at me in the business meeting. and he was the one i told to 'f' himself. and she is my friend and how do i talk to her now. i think i need to wait until my emotional side calms down a little more. i never meant to hurt her or him.

i will not sit here and wallow in my decisions, today i will go to the sewing machine store and figure out how to thread my machine, and i will go to the gym. after i read some blogs first.

today's thought; "Self pity is one of the most dangerous forms of self-centeredness. It fogs our vision."- Kathy S.