Monday, October 18, 2010

moving along

so i have had some wonderful support from members of the area who have asked me to return next month. they have told me the person who was angry with me was out of line and showing his ass. they have told me it will be ok and everyone gets mad.

my sponsor has told me that there are several members who are very upset at my article in the last newsletter. she and her husband, who i absolutely adore, have both told me they did not like my article personally and that it was an inappropriate article. they left it at that and i am ok with that. i can agree to disagree without getting angry. i simply do not do well when anger and hostility are thrown at me and i need to work on that.

my sponsor told me that i need to write, journal about my chaos in my life and the things that were blowing up in my head. she actually said that two of the things i needed to write about were my position at the area and my article in the newsletter. she actually thought that my article in the newsletter was part of the chaos in my life. i wrote this article several months ago. i was not lashing out. i lashed out at area to a man who was angry with me. and then i was angry at the members who said he was not out of line. i still think there was nothing wrong with my article i wrote.

however, my sponsor has not told me who is complaining, nor has she directed them to contact me to talk about their issue with my article. instead, she says there will be 'discussion' at the business meeting in November. this is a 'serious' matter and to please remember this is something i can learn from and that i am not a victim. i took that to believe i am going to be fired. why, because i have reread my article over and over again. and i have decided that i would change nothing, nor will i write a retraction. i will stand my ground and if this is so serious then they can either fire me or let it go. Wes thinks i read way too much into her email about it and told me to ask her to quit with the rumor and gossip and have the members who are offended to call me directly. i think because she didn't like the article, she thinks these few people are correct. i also think that because i have shared with her some of my interpersonal issues, the bpd and ptsd therapy, that she is confusing my interpersonal chaos with service work. my position is that service work is the one thing that has given me much of my serenity. i do not do it out of ego and i am constantly checking my motives. constantly. my old sponsor taught me that. i wish i had her to  talk to now.

on another note i received an email from a woman i never met before and it was completely unsolicited. she told me she read my article and was proud of it. she told me she would start reading the newsletter if i continued to write. she said the issue i brought up was important and it was not talked about enough.

my article was about sex. there i said it. and it was titled 'let's talk about it'. i wrote it as a retraction to what my sponsor had told me about the previous newsletter where i put some artwork in that, again she said several members were upset about it. they took offense to it. it had a picture of a rooster and a kitten. and it said 'give the newcomers a chance, keep your blank or blank in your pants.'  the blanks were where the pictures went. now mind you this was not my original artwork i actually saw it in a meeting hall about an hour north of here. i liked it and made a digital copy. i thought it was cute. i never, NEVER meant to offend anyone. but since there was the innuendo that members were upset i wrote an explanation as to why i liked the artwork and that i thought it was something we need to talk about. our literature tells us that secrets keep us sick yet we will not talk about this one piece of our lives that is so important.

i am also sad today that my Spanish group has closed it's doors after only 6 months. the meeting hall we were in is being auctioned off this Thursday. my gsr cannot continue to be of service and neither can the Saturday meeting leader. you cannot have a group with only one member and no home. i have some money collected from the basket and i don't know what to do with it. i am torn between giving it to the area, region or world. all three of these bodies did come to our aid to try to carry the message to the Spanish community.

so i will go to the gym, clean my home, and work on this stuff my sponsor told me to. only i think she is wrong in thinking my newsletter is part of this chaos that i need to deal with and i am not sure what i think about that. i know she gossips. we are not perfect not one, and it does not mean i think any less of her. i like her very much in fact the fact that i see her character defects only makes me love her more. she is so sweet and it is funny when she makes mistakes. she is such a character. because she handles these mistakes with such grace and humor, she does not deny when she is wrong, she is a real neat gal. i know she can help me through this process. this is the part where i stand my ground. this is the hard part.

today's thought; "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness"- Jean Vanier


Mike Golch said...

Sadly there will always be some fool that will show up and try to rain on your parade,shake off the water and carry on.

Brian Miller said...

i have come to the realization that just about every day i will offend someone...

Mama Zen said...

Someone was offended by that cartoon? Sounds like it hit someone close to home.

Mama Zen said...

Someone was offended by that cartoon? Sounds like it hit someone close to home.

Her Big Sad said...

A number of thoughts run through my mind... first, I wish you were close enough that I could give you a big hug.

Also, I respect you so much. You are so willing, so growth-seeking, you are a treasure.

And I guess if your group decides they don't want you in that position any more, perhaps it is a God thing....maybe you are being given the gift of time to do other things. Maybe you are just supposed to participate in that meeting, but not do your service there? Or maybe there is another meeting that will take care of you and meet your needs more appropriately and where you can serve. I don't know, obviously.... but I'm looking forward to reading about how you walk through this, and what you discover as you go.

You are an awesome young woman. I will be praying for that upcoming meeting and praying for you for strength and patience as you see what "more will be revealed."

Big hugs to you!

Her Big Sad said...

Had a comment that I tried to post that got "lost" in cyberspace - hope this won't post twice!

First, I wish you were close enough that I could give you a big hug!

Second, you are so honest and so willing and so growth-seeking. I am blessed to read your posts.

Also, it occurred to me that if the group conscience is that you should not be in that position anymore, I wonder if it is a God-thing. Perhaps you are being given the gift of time to be used for something else.

And, I wonder if you are just supposed to participate in the meeting, but serve elsewhere? Or if there is another meeting that will meet your needs more appropriately, and also give you another service opportunity.

I will be praying for you for strength and patience and praying for that meeting! Whatever and however this unfolds, I look forward to reading as you discover what "more will be revealed!"

Busy Bee Suz said...

We can't please everyone all the time.
Best of luck in the next few weeks....keep focused on your kids, your exercising and just breathe. :)

Syd said...

I have to admit that I don't like the behind the back gossip and innuendo. It is something that I think that people in recovery need to work on to not do. Just a pet peeve of mine I guess.

Kim A. said...

I am a pagan in the Bible Belt. As far as I know, I am usually in the minority at my two home groups. There has been occasions when those who feel very strongly about their faith feel they must bring religion into the meeting. It rubs me the wrong way every.single.time. I feel a slow burn growing in my gut every time. I have to ask myself is it a issue or a crisis. To me it is an important issue that Al-anon is very clear about. I am not yet confident and strong enough to speak up but I will one day. Until then, I will focus on the primary purpose of Al-anon and remember that just because I am right doesn't make the other person wrong. Much love.


Akelamalu said...

You can't please ALL of the people ALL of the time. You're reread it and still think it's right so stick to your guns.