moving along

so i have had some wonderful support from members of the area who have asked me to return next month. they have told me the person who was angry with me was out of line and showing his ass. they have told me it will be ok and everyone gets mad.


my sponsor has told me that there are several members who are very upset at my article in the last newsletter. she and her husband, who i absolutely adore, have both told me they did not like my article personally and that it was an inappropriate article. they left it at that and i am ok with that. i can agree to disagree without getting angry. i simply do not do well when anger and hostility are thrown at me and i need to work on that.


my sponsor told me that i need to write, journal about my chaos in my life and the things that were blowing up in my head. she actually said that two of the things i needed to write about were my position at the area and my article in the newsletter. she actually thought that my article in the newsletter was part of the chaos in my life. i wrote this article several months ago. i was not lashing out. i lashed out at area to a man who was angry with me. and then i was angry at the members who said he was not out of line. i still think there was nothing wrong with my article i wrote.


however, my sponsor has not told me who is complaining, nor has she directed them to contact me to talk about their issue with my article. instead, she says there will be 'discussion' at the business meeting in November. this is a 'serious' matter and to please remember this is something i can learn from and that i am not a victim. i took that to believe i am going to be fired. why, because i have reread my article over and over again. and i have decided that i would change nothing, nor will i write a retraction. i will stand my ground and if this is so serious then they can either fire me or let it go. Wes thinks i read way too much into her email about it and told me to ask her to quit with the rumor and gossip and have the members who are offended to call me directly. i think because she didn't like the article, she thinks these few people are correct. i also think that because i have shared with her some of my interpersonal issues, the bpd and ptsd therapy, that she is confusing my interpersonal chaos with service work. my position is that service work is the one thing that has given me much of my serenity. i do not do it out of ego and i am constantly checking my motives. constantly. my old sponsor taught me that. i wish i had her to  talk to now.


on another note i received an email from a woman i never met before and it was completely unsolicited. she told me she read my article and was proud of it. she told me she would start reading the newsletter if i continued to write. she said the issue i brought up was important and it was not talked about enough.


my article was about sex. there i said it. and it was titled 'let's talk about it'. i wrote it as a retraction to what my sponsor had told me about the previous newsletter where i put some artwork in that, again she said several members were upset about it. they took offense to it. it had a picture of a rooster and a kitten. and it said 'give the newcomers a chance, keep your blank or blank in your pants.'  the blanks were where the pictures went. now mind you this was not my original artwork i actually saw it in a meeting hall about an hour north of here. i liked it and made a digital copy. i thought it was cute. i never, NEVER meant to offend anyone. but since there was the innuendo that members were upset i wrote an explanation as to why i liked the artwork and that i thought it was something we need to talk about. our literature tells us that secrets keep us sick yet we will not talk about this one piece of our lives that is so important.


i am also sad today that my Spanish group has closed it's doors after only 6 months. the meeting hall we were in is being auctioned off this Thursday. my gsr cannot continue to be of service and neither can the Saturday meeting leader. you cannot have a group with only one member and no home. i have some money collected from the basket and i don't know what to do with it. i am torn between giving it to the area, region or world. all three of these bodies did come to our aid to try to carry the message to the Spanish community.


so i will go to the gym, clean my home, and work on this stuff my sponsor told me to. only i think she is wrong in thinking my newsletter is part of this chaos that i need to deal with and i am not sure what i think about that. i know she gossips. we are not perfect not one, and it does not mean i think any less of her. i like her very much in fact the fact that i see her character defects only makes me love her more. she is so sweet and it is funny when she makes mistakes. she is such a character. because she handles these mistakes with such grace and humor, she does not deny when she is wrong, she is a real neat gal. i know she can help me through this process. this is the part where i stand my ground. this is the hard part.


today's thought; "Growth begins when we begin to accept our own weakness"- Jean Vanier