Tuesday, October 12, 2010

on the attack again

we had a business meeting this weekend, if you want to call it that. it was very poorly ran and it was very disorganized. i had to go to tulsa for this group on saturday and bring back a report on it for sunday. apparently i am not the one for this position. apparently i am stepping on toes and instead of members talking to me directly about their issue with me so that i may, i  don't know, apologize or correct them, the members who are upset at me choose to use the business meeting as a form of public hanging.

i am sick of this. sick. and angry. i don't want to work with this service body any more. my sponsor tells me to put my big girl panties on and go back there. for what the next 7 months? to lose my sanity. what ever sanity i have that is.

members who are friends turn into enemies, secret resentments come out sideways. and if there was just a direct question to me during a phone call or break i could have had a chance to fix what ever it was they thought i was doing wrong. instead they wanted to hurt me as much as they could and waited until a business meeting to try to humiliate and bash me. call my service work into question.

one of the workshops this weekend was about the 7th tradition and putting enough money in the basket. i don't carry money on me, i have not had a job in 5 years. i do a tremendous amount of service work instead of putting a dollar or two in the basket. i think it is time to just back off and start putting money in the basket and what ever happens happens. service work is not supposed to be hateful.

the events that followed the tasteless words, mind you most of those tasteless words were my own. after i was under attack verbally by a man i went into ptsd mode and it was not pretty, was pure chaos and anything else that happened was left to the higher power in the room because i quickly gathered my things told the person where to go and left. i said i was done with this, i went home took myself off the phone lines and let go. the area chair called me a few minutes later and asked if i was ok. i said no. he said you lost it didn't you. well yes i lost it. i was under attack. he said he would give me a few days to calm down. so i called my sponsor who told me to go back there next month and show them i am a bigger person.

i don't wan't to. i am humiliated and there are no positive things in my head right now. i think i can go there and tell them if they want to fire me then so be it. if they want me to train my new replacement first i will do that, give him an introduction to the region. other then that i really don't want to finish going for the next 7 months. it actually felt like a weight had been lifted when i thought i was never going back. we have too much we are doing now for this area.

i am so lost right now, no home goup, no area, service has been my life for the last five years and now this. another failure.


Kim A. said...

I'm glad you got it out of your head and down on paper (blog). Hugs sent, prayers said, and don't forget to be kind to yourself. Sometimes chocolate is the answer (my weird humor again.) Hang in there, kiddo.


Dianne said...

Hey, anger is a very productive energy as well. You have not a failure on your hands yet.
You've gained the insight that this is a huge weight on your shoulders.
You've looked at the option of paths you could be of better service in your heart.
You've confronted your attacker, how many of us have the courage and the clear head to do that?
I am offering this blindly from your post, and you may take it or leave it. But Kim A is right, you got it down in so many words and can see it in the cold electronic light.

Andrea said...

Blessings, hugs, and prayers,

Fractalmom said...

oh honey...you wrote "i am so lost right now, no home goup, no area, service has been my life for the last five years and now this. another failure."

did it occur to you that perhaps, just maybe, this is a TRIUMPH and not a failure? That maybe you are to the point where YOU are strong, and that YOU have outgrown THIS particular group and that it is time to find another group which is centered around positive energy and recovery?

C'mon!! You have come so far, don't you DARE let these fuckers get you down!! Not for one dang second. Not. Nada. No way. Nuh uh.

Get a grip and find another meeting that fits YOUR needs.

Take the Piece Of Sh&t out of POSitive and put back the Power Of Serenity in POSitive.

Hang in there. this, like much else, will pass and you will persevere.

Dulce said...

Oh Please cheer up... Be patient -everything will be back to normal.

I am praying for you, my friend, with the strong hope that helps!

Syd said...

I hope that you will be gentle with yourself. It is not good to be cornered by others. Every animal reacts when backed into a corner. If you feel that you need to make an amends, then do that but don't beat yourself up. Maybe it is time to focus on another area of service or on another group. I know that you will figure this out because you have a strong program. Take care.

Annette said...

Oh sweet girl...I so feel for you. I really agree with what Syd said. I know for me when I react, I *need* to go back and make it right before I can move past it. That doesn't mean continuing on your job or any of that. It just means going back saying, "I lost it. I got really upset, and I am sorry for my the way I reacted." Not for what you felt though.

I am late coming in on this so maybe its all resolved now. I hope you are doing better.