on the attack again

we had a business meeting this weekend, if you want to call it that. it was very poorly ran and it was very disorganized. i had to go to tulsa for this group on saturday and bring back a report on it for sunday. apparently i am not the one for this position. apparently i am stepping on toes and instead of members talking to me directly about their issue with me so that i may, i  don't know, apologize or correct them, the members who are upset at me choose to use the business meeting as a form of public hanging.

i am sick of this. sick. and angry. i don't want to work with this service body any more. my sponsor tells me to put my big girl panties on and go back there. for what the next 7 months? to lose my sanity. what ever sanity i have that is.

members who are friends turn into enemies, secret resentments come out sideways. and if there was just a direct question to me during a phone call or break i could have had a chance to fix what ever it was they thought i was doing wrong. instead they wanted to hurt me as much as they could and waited until a business meeting to try to humiliate and bash me. call my service work into question.

one of the workshops this weekend was about the 7th tradition and putting enough money in the basket. i don't carry money on me, i have not had a job in 5 years. i do a tremendous amount of service work instead of putting a dollar or two in the basket. i think it is time to just back off and start putting money in the basket and what ever happens happens. service work is not supposed to be hateful.

the events that followed the tasteless words, mind you most of those tasteless words were my own. after i was under attack verbally by a man i went into ptsd mode and it was not pretty, was pure chaos and anything else that happened was left to the higher power in the room because i quickly gathered my things told the person where to go and left. i said i was done with this, i went home took myself off the phone lines and let go. the area chair called me a few minutes later and asked if i was ok. i said no. he said you lost it didn't you. well yes i lost it. i was under attack. he said he would give me a few days to calm down. so i called my sponsor who told me to go back there next month and show them i am a bigger person.

i don't wan't to. i am humiliated and there are no positive things in my head right now. i think i can go there and tell them if they want to fire me then so be it. if they want me to train my new replacement first i will do that, give him an introduction to the region. other then that i really don't want to finish going for the next 7 months. it actually felt like a weight had been lifted when i thought i was never going back. we have too much we are doing now for this area.

i am so lost right now, no home goup, no area, service has been my life for the last five years and now this. another failure.