Thursday, February 26, 2009

Busy grateful life

Hey all just a quickie here. I am going to be working in Lightroom2 and taking tutorials online. My new "boss" has a ton of stuff I need to study up on and familiarize myself with. Most of her retouches are done in light room and I am going to be busy for a bit. Also I need to finish off my regional minutes and put my newsletter together and I am designing recovery birthday cards to sell. I hear my two girls giggling in the bedroom, their laugh is the infectious kind. It just makes me giggle. Anyway I did not do a gratitude list yesterday as I didn't get a chance to blog what with downloading tons of software to my little computer so here goes;
1. I am so very grateful for my life today,
2. I am grateful for Syd who sent me some wonderful gifts in the pay it forward. And for showing that family survivors of addicts/alcoholics can recover too.
3. I am grateful for sKILLs for signing up to get a pay it forward. I need to contact her and get her address for that.
4. I am grateful for Cliff who does a wonderful job introducing bloggers to the greater community and his wonderful tributes.
5. I am grateful for shadow and her beautiful poetry that she writes about describing her beautiful life.
6. I am grateful for Larry G and Khaled for the romantic poets inside of them that shows men have feelings too.
7. I am grateful for Lou and Lisa and Dad and Mom, and all the other parents of addicts that I follow for giving me the humility I need to remember why I stay clean. Through the eyes of our parents I see the pain my addiction has caused and I am reminded why we give it away.
8. I am grateful for Findon and steveroni for showing such a beautiful side of AA. I have never been to the other fellowship, but through their eyes I know it works.
9. I am grateful for Angel, Blind Faith and Indigo these three beautiful women share some of the most courageous stories about the trials of life that women go through and it really helps me to see that the honest sharing is what gets us through it.
10. I am grateful to have so many new friends to reach out to in this blogging community as well as my real world that there are just too many to mention.
11. I am grateful for my sleepover coming up this weekend, I won't be around for a couple of days but I will be back.
To any new or old readers please feel free to click on any of the links and visit the sites I mentioned.
What are you grateful for today? Todays thought; "What I see convinces me that God exists; what I cannot see, confirms it." Albert Einstein

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Chocolate and Cars

Can someone get me a wipe!! I like chocolate!! You know it is the little things I appreciate most in life. I love taking pictures of my girls they are sooo very amusing and beautiful!! This one is a mug shot I did of Haley when she was about 1 years old.
Today was a bad day for me. My car has been in the shop for over a week now. And I have to go to work tomorrow and I have no car. Very frustrating stuff dealing with mechanics. I had a great one for 8 years I went to this place and the owner always did the work on my car. It would cost your average price for a mechanic, these were not the backyard kind, and I gladly paid for great workmanship. Well the last two years I have lost faith in this place, I no longer have the actual owner as my mechanic it is someone called Jon. So Jon looked at my vehicle a couple of years ago and said "how much do you love your car?" I new it was bad news, I needed a new radiator and I asked him to check everything out, you know I am not a mechanic, I don't even play one on tv. I trusted that he would check everything out. So he fixes my radiator and a few other things, plus changes oils and stuff like that. Then the next time I call him I told him I thought I might be needing a new power steering pump and that the passenger side window would need a new motor because it was going real slow. As for my diagnonsense for the steering pump I told him that in the morning when it is cold it makes a loud whining noise and then after it warms up it goes away and then that sometimes when I turn the steering wheel it is hard to turn. Then I ask him to check everything out so we can make sure she is a reliable car. So I don't remember what all we fixed that time but it cost about 2000. buck. We figure over the course of a year that is a pretty cheap car payment. Well when he had the car the last time he said I did not need a power steering pump. I said well are you sure because the fluid always never moves and I think it isn't working. He said he would flush it out for me if it would make me feel better, then he said I didn't need a new window motor that it just needed lubed. Well not 2 months later the window stopped rolling up. It was stuck open about 2 inches down and it rained all inside my car!! So I told him that it broke and he said bring her in. So when I get there he said well it will cost between 250 and 500 dollars to fix that. What!! I was like what do you mean "between"? I mean he just had it in the damn shop I asked him to look at it he should just be able to say that is such and such motor and it is going to cost this much money. I felt like the SOB was hosing me!! So Wes went online with the vin number and found the part for 70 bucks. It got here in two days then her looked up some instructions on line and put the dang thing in himself!! Saved us anywhere from 200 to 370 bucks!! Fast forward to today and here I am with car problems and no mechanic. My car is starting real hard it still turns hard and I don't trust anybody. So Wes gets a hold of some guy that had great recommendations from a co worker of his and we take it down there. Already this guy is great he says he will not charge us anything to look over the car and see what is wrong then when he figures out the problem he will call with an estimate. So I told him in the morning when I turn the key the thing goes VVROOM,vvroom,VVROOM and then dies. The little stick thing goes up and down, the idle stick, and it goes up and down real fast and a lot then if I don't give it gas it dies. Then I told him it had gotten worse because the other day I started it and it did the VVRoom thing and then a little "click" "click" thing and when it clicked the cruise control light would go on and off. So I new it was getting worse.
I know I am such a non mechanic person, I did it for a few years with my first car. Bought the Chilton's Auto guide for my car and everything. I even changed my own alternator!! You should have seen the look on the guys face at the garage I took it to get the brakes done. They were like "wow" I was like "Yeah I still have a bunch of left over parts!" They ended up tightening my belt and putting on the "extra" parts, said they never say a car start up with such a wobbly belt. But again I digress,
So today my mechanic is like, well first last week he said someone put oil in my power steering pump!! Filled it with oil huh. Nobody has worked on my car but the one guy needless to say I did need a new pump. Also I need some box thing that went out and that is why my car starts hard. And he actually did the wire test to shut off my check engine light!! I bought the car in 2003 and the light has always been on. So everything will cost about 1500. OK so then the big wait...the parts did not come in before last Friday so it would not be until Monday. Monday comes and they say that not all parts were delivered then they say comes around and they say they got the wrong dang box thingy so it will need to be reordered!!! What!! Didn't they see it yesterday!! Couldn't they have known this a day ago and ordered both parts yesterday!! You know if I could afford to go with out a dang vehicle I would not be trying to fix this!! Wes tells me don't get upset it is out of our hands, what choice do we have? Rational, yes. I'm sitting here thinking would he be so lax if it was his truck!! I have work tomorrow and it would be nice to go in my own car and not look like a scrub riding in someone else's. In the meantime I am going to have some chocolate and look like Haley here!! Todays thought;"If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact - not to be solved, but to be coped with over time."--Shimon Peres

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Pay it Forward

I just wanted to show everyone the gifts I received from Syd from "I'm Just F.I.N.E." He did a pay it forward blog and how this works is the first four people that want to play pay it forward get a gift from me. Syd did four so that is what I am going to do, you can pick as many as you like. I have 365 days to send this out. In order to participate in the pay it forward you have to agree to do the same on your blog after you receive my gift. We did this at Christmas time and I signed up on Shadows blog, but no one signed up on mine. I was very new to blogging then. So I was honored when Syd picked me to be one of the recipients. The picture above in my header is a montage of the items I got in the mail on Friday, Sorry it took so long to get out, we had some chaos on this side of the globe that needed tending to. My favorite piece is the beautiful Starfish in the middle. This is such a great thing to pass along. I hope to be able to present some of my blogging buddies with some one of a kind artwork I have been working on. Oh and the gift can be anything you want it to be. Some of us are crafty some are exotic from far off places so if your game just leave me a note and email me your address so I know where to send you gift. Thanks so much Syd, I will be sipping on black tea with some fresh strawberry jelly on toast in the morning- yum!!
Today's thought;"Nothing erases unpleasant thoughts more effectively than concentration on pleasant ones."-Hans Sale

Saturday, February 21, 2009

My Honesty Award

Thank you Cliff from "Gone Banana's" for giving me this. I do appreciate it. I don't know how to feel right now. I just got done with a photo shoot at a wedding and it is the first real work I have had in four years. I have a beautiful family with 3 of the most darling girls anyone could ask for. I have been blessed in so many ways I cannot express the gratitude for my life today. We had a wonderful Valentines Dance last week with over 80 members in attendance. A friend of mine was able to bring her beautiful little baby for everyone to see. We were all so happy because she had been in the hospital and we sent out a prayer chain throughout the fellowship on behalf of Bella and she was able to come home. Such a blessing and joy this adventure of life we live. And then yesterday morning I got a text to land line message to pray for Sara, her baby just died. I feel so guilty to be so blessed. My emotions are all over the map. I cannot fix this. I am so very powerless and I CAN imagine the pain of losing my baby. I am so grateful we all got to see her last week and so very, very sad today. I mean my GOD how, why?!? And I cannot do anything but be the bearer of bad news to the region. As regional secretary, I have access to everybody's email address and of course I knew my cue was to inform everyone to pray and to let them know what I knew. I then proceeded to get a hundred phone calls asking "What happened?" Of course all I could say was I don't know. So today I got the call to announce the Celebration of little Bella's Life scheduled on Monday. So I did. Yesterday all I did was play with my babies and wondered why I was so blessed and how other women I know have suffered the loss of their babies. And as I was sitting outside with my girls a calm wave of serenity came over me and I realized, the moment I found out I was having my baby, the moment each of us decides to be mothers, that this is the chance we take. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, not even children. All we have is today, this moment, now. All I can do is be the best mother I can be today, and I am not guaranteed tomorrow. So I need to appreciate every precious moment now. I feel every feeling today and I appreciate every feeling today. The good ones and the hard ones. I no longer hide from life today and I don't know why I get it and others don't. All I know is that this works for me, so I will gratefully take another 24.
That is honesty for me today. As for who I wish to give this award to, the winners are;
1. steveroni of Another Sober Alcoholic. Steve just finished sharing his take on the 12 Traditions of AA and has an intriguing way of being witty, humorous and fun loving. Check out his blog and tell him hi!!
2. Indigo of Scream Quietly. If you want to see honesty go visit this blog. I am talking about honesty to the "nth" degree and to see someone persevere, this is the blog to see. This is definitely a well deserved award for Indigo. She is about as honest as it gets. I love honest bloggers.
3. Woody of Sobriety fame. Woody has an inspiring story of getting "sober" I call it "clean" he is funny, sometimes insane and downright as honest as a newcomer can be. This depth of honesty will get him far in recovery and the life he is looking for. Woody's honesty about his sobriety and life with his family is not only very humbling at times it is simply inspiring. Go on over and check him out and you will see what I mean. Oh by the way Happy 60 days Woody!!!
4. Lou over at Subdural Flow is a refreshing mother who shares about her life and her pains in having an addict for a son. As an addict in recovery, I find Lou's point of view very insightful and I am grateful to hear a mother share the pains she deals with in her life. My mother never really expressed the pains I put her through, and I am grateful to Lou for sharing the pains she goes through, honestly as a mother.
5. Angel over at Here and Now 4 Angel, not only has one of the most beautiful looking blogs out there. The depth of honesty that Angel shares in her poems and daily thoughts is so profound. There is a lot of pain and sadness in her share as she honestly shares the tough realities we women sometimes have to survive, and there is strength and courage as well as being able to see her go through the healing process to get to the other side. Angel is a gift to the blogging community, a gift of honesty, strength and hope stop on by and you too will see what I mean.
For all of you who I have given this award to thank you for your courage to share your life honestly and for the insight that it gives me to get through the rough times like today. Now you can give this to the blogs you find honest and sincere for my list of 10 honest things about me:
1. I truly love my life today.
2. I was an active addict who shot dope on a daily basis.
3. I never meant to hurt my mother.
4. I abandoned my daughter for my addiction.
5. I have a secret wish, I want to be married.
6. I love to live in the moment and enjoy the sanity in my life when I do.
7. I really miss my mom and dad, I don't say it enough.
8. I still have a very low self esteem.
9. I no longer hate the person I see in the mirror.
10. I am grateful for the person I am becoming, and grateful that my two young daughters have never seen me high.
This is "My Honest Scrap" and for my thought today; "We can experience pain, grief, sadness, anger, frustration—all those feelings we once avoided with drugs. We find that we can get through those emotions clean. We won’t die and the world won’t come to an end just because we have uncomfortable feelings. We learn to trust that we can survive what each day brings." Just for today: "I will demonstrate my trust in God by experiencing this day just as it is." From February 16th Just for Today daily NA meditation book.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Gratitude Wednesday

I love this picture. I took it in the summer and we were sitting on the porch. I think it looks like it was done in a studio. I photo shopped it. This is my baby bean, she is two now but still so cute. I am amazed at my life today and to look at it with this perspective of profound gratitude, I just cannot express how good I feel about my work. My addict tries to tell me that any monkey with the right software can do this too. So I have nothing to bring to the table. My Higher Power tells me I am special by putting things in front of me when I am ready to see them. I have not had a job in 4 years. The last time I had a job I was a cook at the Warren Old Town and I couldn't hack it because I was fresh off the streets, fresh off the dope, and I was spending my non working hours pounding my fists against the tile in the bathroom because I was still having the most terrible withdraws, I still have the scars on my hands from that time in my life. My life has changed so much. I hear people share of going to treatment to detox and I think "boy they were lucky." I see women in these places where the state puts them to straighten out their lives so they can keep their kids and I think "boy they have it easy." I didn't know there were places to go as safe havens, of course I never looked or asked for help. My life has changed so much.
Today is Wednesday and I do a gratitude list on Wednesday.
1. I am grateful I called the photoshop lady today, I got a job!!
2. I am grateful for the sense the good Lord has given me to be honest in my step work and to put forth the effort in learning computer skills.
3. I am so very grateful for Narcotics Anonymous for saving my life.
4. I am grateful for the insight to give credit where credit is do.
5. I am grateful for being one of those idiot monkeys who works photoshop well.
6. I am grateful for being teachable.
7. I am grateful for everyone my HP puts into my life today that helps guide me in my life.
8. I am grateful for all the bloggers who share the beauty of their writing and the caring thoughts they leave me when I am feeling down.
9. I am grateful that I learned how to link so that when I give thanks to Syd, and Shadow, and Cliff, and Tyra, and Larry and Jenn, and Lisa and Lou, and fireman john, and steveroni that you can go there to see who I am talking about.
10. For this gratitude I am going to take my cue from Cliff and say; I am grateful to The Rapacious Creditor for his beautiful insight and for the loving way he shares his recovery. This blogger goes by the name Findon and he comes to us from the United Kingdom. Findon has a beautiful blog in my biased opinion and if you go there I think you will see why I say that. So please stop by and check it out, and if you read his blog let him know you stopped by and give him the wonderful love you give to me. I think he will graciously appreciate it.
Todays thought; Gratitude is the vision to see that WE have been Gifted - Ernest Kurtz

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Hope and Giggles

Hi there, I came out of hiding today. I was going to sit in my pity pot and not go and get my sponsee for stepwork. I just didn't want to go through the "hassle" is what I was telling myself.
Then I went and got her anyway and I am glad I did. I did not call the photoshop lady because my addict was telling me she doesn't like my work or she would have called. Truth is the woman is so overworked I would have to be physically in front of her just to get her attention. And I don't know how to rate my worth. So I will think about it tomorrow and be OK in today. I like this moment right now. My "A" had a sit down family talk with us tonight and it was nice. I really mean she actually said more than "I dunno" or "whatever" and it was very intimate. I think we decided to allow her to go back to the drill team on the condition that she continues these family discussions once a week with us. Of course more will be revealed. I think I will go to my women's meeting tomorrow and share. I am going to pick up my artwork that I dropped off because this group is having a dance and they were supposedly doing a t-shirt design contest and i got a call tonight about helping a member finish a design they voted on and he does not have the software capability to do what needs to be done. I told him that I had a submission for that and I understood why it would not have been voted for, he actually told me that he didn't get the artwork. I giggled at this because my artwork for their dance was pretty brazen and I told him it was OK that I wanted to use it for another project if their group has no use for it, I do. Then he was all apologetic and saying no they would re vote since he wasn't presented with the artwork. My addict was telling me something fishy is a foot, you know how those "spidey senses" start to tingle and all. Really though let me tell you about the artwork, I found a cute picture of a cat and one of a rooster, do you see where I am going with this?, anyway I took the rounded NA symbol and oh also I found the Chinese characters for those two symbols as well and put them on the NA symbol and on the top I wrote in a China Font, "Give the Newcomers a Chance, Keep your (insert picture of rooster) or ( insert picture of cat) In your Pants!!! Anyway it looks really cool and I would gladly use it for my group after MARCNA hopefully the alternative shop will generate some revenue and we can host a dance or something to promote our little group, I would sell the shirts there. But there was something about him never even seeing the artwork that got my "spidey senses" tingling and you know I gave it to four general members of that group and personally watched one member put it in their books. If they threw it out I am even cool with that because I have it on my computer and really it would have been nice to have been there so I could bring my work back. So I will catch a good meeting there and retrieve my work and see my sponsor and all will be well.
I really feel a lot better now though sense I did go and get my sponsee to do some stepwork I kind of got the giggles(note the silly picture) I really would have liked to made people laugh with that entry. I think I just pissed them off. But I am OK with that today, I am going to get to do another bit of service for the convention, I get to help make the programs!! So I will get started on that tomorrow and check up and comment on all my blogging buddies. I haven't been by to see how everyone else is doing and everyone has so graciously been by to say hey to me. I really miss you guys you keep me out of my head. Has anyone stopped by to check on Woody? I need to go there first he has a beautiful little girl with special needs and his story is so inspiring and I worry he doesn't always eat well.
As for my regional work I think now I need to quit projecting the future and just stay into today. I know that my service venture as secretary will be over and that will leave a million other options for me to try so instead of being sad I need to be happy for the opportunity to learn new ways to serve. It really helps when I let go and let God. Ooh, I said the "G" word. And on a sad note that happened today, but something I dealt with very well the high and mighty Rev. Fred Phelps was in town. Need I say more? I did not go down and throw anything at his group or even sink to the level of screaming profanities. I simply did not participate and I feel good about that because what would it have changed in that situation? For me that is growth in the past I have done some down right silly shit to him and his group and it did no good then and it does no good now. So learning to let people have their misery is working out pretty well for me today, and my thought;"Hope is believing in spite of the evidence, then watching the evidence change. ... Simply put, faith makes hope possible. And hope is the single most important ingredient for changing the world."
--Jim Wallis ("Faith Works" in The Impossible Will Take a While )

Monday, February 16, 2009

A little sad today

Good lord, as tired as I am and as late as the day is, I should be getting in bed. But so much is going on I need to get some of this out of my head.

So busy with the service work this weekend and so many good things happened and so many bad things too. It's like this I love my service work and I am a traditions girl. I love the atmosphere of a business meeting, except when ego members destroy the integrity of it by name calling and down right bullying to get their way.
It makes me so sad to have left region so angry and yet I am also sad because next May my term as secretary will be over. There was so much insanity going on at the business meeting on Sunday that I don't even know if I left with all the information I was supposed to put into the minutes. The major jackass of the day created such a negative atmosphere and added so much chaos, it was like watching everyone go down in a quicksand of bullshit. They seemed to all follow suit and everyone was name calling and badgering and yelling at each other and nothing got done, and I sit here crying about this because I have higher expectations from the regional members to behave better. It takes just a couple of people to create such a hostile environment and the worst part was watching this regional service body pick and choose which traditions they were going to follow and which ones they would throw out the window at their convenience.

Taking the kids didn't work out as good as it looked like it would have on paper. We ended up missing an entire business meeting because we couldn't check in early and we spent a lot more money than we thought. I spent the whole day Friday cooking food to take with us to save on money and we still spent more than we needed.
The dance went well we had almost 100 in attendance which for our region is unheard of. So we were very excited about it. However, I didn't get a Valentine from Wes. It didn't bother me at first then the addict in me said he spent my Valentine money on the hotel so I could go to do my precious service work. You know I used to get these beautiful flowers from him all the time. We still get very romantic, and every time he kisses me it is like the first time, really. He kisses so passionately, but I do miss the roses so much. And it gets real lonely when I cannot share a bed with him because when I sleep on the damn thing my frigging back feels like it went completely numb and it hurts down my legs so bad I can't move. I have arthritis in my lower back and the doctor says it is the back of a 75 year old. Thanks so much Captain Stupid!! You reach through the recesses of time to fill me with misery!! It sucks to have this back problem, I know I could take some flexorell and sleep fine, but wake up hung over!! I feel like I am using when I take the medication. So then he was talking about spending money on a new bed, we just bought this one!! We cannot afford another one and I told him I was going to talk to the doctor about getting a different pain medication so I can sleep in the bed, but I need to talk to my sponsor first.

Then I got so upset at my family this morning that I emotionally blackmailed them into going to the gym with me. Last week my daughter was so excited to go and see Haley in gymnastics class, then this morning she was all like I am going to stay home and do laundry. Then Wes, who also agreed to go said he was going to work on sanding down the kitchen instead. I was so mad, I felt like my family doesn't love me, I sleep all alone at night, we were supposed to have this gym membership and use it as a family and my family never goes. I go by myself all the time what is the point!! I started screaming and crying and it was just awful. And then Wes asked me to sit down with him , and I just hate how calm and rational he always is and I am so irrational. And he says if it really means that much to me then just say so, he would go with me if I really wanted him to, he was just trying to get some work done. So "A" packed stuff to go and I told her she could stay home and she said no she was going so I am a total asshole now and really hate myself.
So I went to the counselors office and balled her out about my daughter. That went real well.
So I went to lead my meeting tonight and I chose the topic of relationships. It was a great meeting and we had 6 members there which was so nice since we as a group never have any visitors. That meeting really helped put me in reality and I need that. I need to call my sponsor too but she doesn't like to talk about service work and I need to. So I am a sad kitty today and here is my little thought;"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge." - Daniel I. Boors

Friday, February 13, 2009

See ya in a Few!!!

Just a quick note in passing, I have managed to get by and say hi to a few of you out there. I love this extended blogging family. I have not seen a blog from Woody at Sobriety in a couple of days so I am a little worried about him, although I did not check out his second blog DEFCON 5. It is a beautiful blog where he shares a really touching part of his life, his little girl. I will say this if you click on the link and check out his second blog he has over there you will find a very touching story about his family and the daily life with a special needs child.
I also haven't seen anything from Enabling Love in a while and I really miss her insight with being a parent to someone like me. I have heard from Lou lately and I am so glad she is back on the Roll!!
I feel a special place for moms with kids like me. Anyway I will be gone for the weekend to McPherson for Regional Service Meetings. We are packing up the kids and getting a room and staying for the whole shindig!! We are still a little leery of leaving "A" with the girls alone all weekend. If you remember my blog in November the last time we went to Region she had the incident with Wes. You can look through my archives to catch up. So anyway I am so very happy about this weekend and seeing all my NA family. I called the gal from the photo studio and she loves my work and she sent me an assignment and I already got it back to her. So now we will need to meet and decide if I am going to be a member of her staff and or contract worker and I need to figure out about how to ask for pay. Being completely green to this scene I don't know what to ask for. I am just so excited for this opportunity!! I gotta go now we leave early in the morning. Todays thought;Just for today: I will strive to be of service to our fellowship. I will be unafraid to discover who I am. February 13th reading from my daily meditations.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

My Gratitude Speaks!!

Wow, what a difference a day makes. There is so much going on I have to get some of it out of my head before it melts.
First off my wayward brother, now I know I was going to tell some of his story a few months ago. Ya got a minute? OK, OK so my baby brother has had several legal issues that have followed him for the last 12 years of his life. He has issues with taking responsibility for himself. He also has issues with honesty..
In my past postings I have shared how bad his health is today, and that he has been sent to jail. Well they sent him to jail on Nov. 1 and extradited him to California. Also in a previous posting. Well I get a call from my wayward brother tonight and not only has he been released from jail, he is in the hospital for heart problems, in California, and the cops lost his ID, he has no money and has no place to stay until his next court date. Now I spoke with him as directly as possible and through some cryptic conversation I found out that he has to produce paperwork to prove something I don't know. I just found it fascinating that the police would A. arrest my brother as a fugitive from justice, which they claim to have been looking for him for 5 years. and B. would then extradite him back to California for this. and C. this is real good, they simply OR'ed him until his next court date. They let him out on his own recognizance. I said so they haven't dropped the charges yet, and he said no they "ORed" him!!! Fascinating. No wonder he slips through their incompetent fingers!! So now I have no idea what the hell he was arrested for and why they bothered to spend tons of taxpayer money to send him back to Cali and then just let him go! OK
So now that I have that off my chest I feel a little better. I can't own his shit and I won't but I do love him and I do have a sense of family responsibility for him I just can't make it better. I am grateful today that I no longer live in that insanity filled lifestyle.
Now my really exciting news, I may be getting a JOB!!! I know people get jobs everyday, but this is different. This is not your average waitressing or cook job. My whole life I have done nothing but the latter. This is with a photographer. The owner of this company got my name from Wes's co-worker who had their wedding done by them. He said they had an assistant who did photoshop retouching and the assistant quit. So I gave her a call and we talked for an hour!! I sent her several emails with some of my work and now that the convention is almost here it is great to be able to say the "Mid America Regional Convention of Narcotics Anonymous will be held at the Airport hilton and I am responsible for all the artwork". Did I mention I did the 6 foot banner as well?!?! This is so exciting I can work from home, she told me to calibrate my monitor and she is going to send me a couple of Black and White pics to touch up for her store front window!! I will contact her tomorrow afternoon to see when we will be meeting, probably Friday mid morning, as it was tentatively set up. I haven't heard back from her about the samples I sent her of my work that I have done, so I don't know if she will like it yet, I am just chomping at the bit watching my email to look for a response. I know she is uuber busy without an assistant so I need to be patient but I am trying real hard and I don't think I am doing a good job of it. Do you know I have not held a job since 2005!! I have never been so long without work, but I have been busy what with making 2 babies and taking care of mom the last 3 years I really didn't have a choice. This past 2 and a half years I have been working with photoshop, I took a couple of classes and really found a passion for it. The prospect of this job is beyond my wildest expectations. Oh wow, I could even work from home!! How amazing is that!!
So what a roller coaster ride huh? OOh two emails hold on... false alarm, like I said chompin at the bit. Tomorrow is going to be busy, we have counseling, thank goodness because my "A" had 2 "D's" on her progress report from missing so much school from being sick and she just about had a nervous breakdown in front of her teacher!! I told her she could bring her grade up that it was OK. She is such a perfectionist I swear. You think she would die if she fell off the honor roll.
So for my Wednesday gratitude list:
I am grateful for my ability to learn new things, like photoshop!!!
I am grateful for my beautiful family who supports me through my adventures I have in life.
Oh I am grateful for today being our 3rd anniversary as a couple. This is the day we had our first kiss. I still get all tingly thinking about it. it was funny because I had to ask him when did he consider our anniversary, the first kiss, I remember that night because it was a Valentine's dance that we went to, or the "first time" which was on the 26th, which I also remember because we went to a friends father's funeral that night!! Because I told him I couldn't decide and he thought I was silly so I wanted to have two anniversaries and he said he considers today our anniversary. So, yay us!! 3 years and I am so grateful!! What are you grateful for today?
Oh I am so scatter brained I have such the perfect quote for today; "A preoccupation with the future not only prevents us from seeing the present as it is but often prompts us to rearrange the past."
--Eric Hoffer, The Passionate State of Mind, 1954
P.S. the picture is also a sample of my work!!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Service and boats

Gosh I have been so busy with service. We had our ASC this weekend, and no I did not step up for any positions. I did however come up with the new name for our area campout. We had some controversy over the name our area chose for the last 2 years. I was the one who asked if we could name the campout, I was not the one who chose the name. I didn't even vote for the name. The old name was "Addicts on Grass" then the second year it was "Addicts on Grass Again". I promise it wasn't my idea, but I did think the members had a great sense of humor. The controversy, of course, came when one group announced at the ASC that if the area didn't change the name of the campout, then they would not participate. ... ... Yes this really upset me to say the least. Not only did that make me as the area activities chair feel bullied, but I know for a fact that the member that group sent to represent them when the committee, not the chair, voted the name in was actually present, he voted for the stupid name.
Anyway I digress, this weekend when they started the activities meeting and said we need a new name I shouted out "First Tradition Campout"!! Yes I was still sore about the stigma that I had chosen the old name, and I was still pissed that instead of coming to the committee to request a name change and actually help put the campout together that the cowards in that group would use the ASC to bully a subcommittee. In no way is an activity about anything other than unity and fellowship. And I wanted to let the area know it was a crock. So nobody voted, and someone said "you go girl" and there was just a general agreement. Then the room was a buzz with excitement we had about 12 members in attendance and talked about shirts and tye-dye workshop and it was just so much fun. Living in the solution "Rocks". Next weekend we will be in McPherson for the Regional Business Meetings. I love my service work, I have some of the best women in the region for friends and they are there when I need them. I wouldn't have that support if I didn't get involved at the regional level.
I was reading a couple of blogs last week about boat rides and I wanted to share a story from when the last time I was on a boat. I was 12 years old and lived with my grandma at the time. She lived of the Hood Canal in Hoodsport Washington and our neighbors had a shrimp boat called the "Woo- Woo Wiggly". Donna and I took our bikes after school to go out to the little row boat to take us to the "Woo- Woo Wiggly". I have never rowed a boat in my life, and wasn't much for the shrimping, I love to eat them I just didn't want to catch them. I was a girl and 12 give me a break. Anyway I was on the row boat with Donna and we got to the big boat. So she said she was going to radio her mom and let her know we got there. She jumps in the big boat leaving me in the row boat. I was minding my own business just sitting in the boat waiting for Donna to tell me what to do next. Next thing I know I am drifting away from the "Woo- Woo Wiggly". Mind you I have never rowed a boat, so I did what came naturally, I grabbed the rail of the "Woo- Woo Wiggly" and called for Donna's help. Apparently she did not tie the two boats together, later I found out that is what keeps the boats together not me, so I began to get pulled further away from the boat by the tide. So then I grabbed the big boat with both hands and with a little more urgency I called for Donna's help again. I really don't know what was taking her so long talking to her mother, I guess they were going over current events in politics at the time because she simply ignored my cries for help. At this time there was a small crowd of people that began to gather on the shore to watch the girl try use her body as the rope to tie the dingy to the "Woo- Woo Wiggly". At that point I was only outstretched from my torso up. Then I started to frantically called out Donna's name when my hips were pulled at the rim of the boat and I was holding on to the wiggly. At this point I looked into the dark, cold water and thought to myself, "Wow that looks cold!" and "Grandmas gonna kill me if my clothes get wet."
At that point the current began to pull even harder and I was dragged out to my knees. I was holding on to the big boat with my hands and my body stretched across the water trying to stop the dingy from going a drift. Hell and me as well, I didn't know how to row. By the time good old Donna came out of the boat after the long conversation with her mother I was stretched all the way to my toes. Holding on to the boat with my arms and my feet holding on to the dingy. I think the people at shore by this time were placing bets on how long I could hang on. Just when I was about to place my bet I fell in. Sploosh. You can imagine the aftermath, two pre- teen girls crying, laughing and yelling at each other. Like I said it was the last time I was in a boat, and when I read Syd share about going out on the boat the memories came flooding back and I thought I would share. Todays thought: Let your hook be always cast. In the stream where you least expect it, there will be a fish.—Ovid

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Now you Know my ABC's

OK Cliff tagged me for something called a meme and after reading a couple I think I figured it out so here goes:
A. Attached or single?

B. Best friend?
Wes, my significant other

C. Cake or pie?

D. Day of Choice?
today I like to live in the "present, it makes everyday a gift

E. Essential item?
My Basic Text- the NA book

F. Favorite color?

G. Gummy bears or worms?
bears I haven't eaten' a worm since the lat time I was in Tijuana.

H. Hometown?
Norwalk, California

I. Favorite indulgence?
sex, we're being honest here, right?

J. January or July?

K. Kids?
Yes, 3 beautiful girls ages 2, 3 and 15

L. Life isn’t complete without?
my recovery, but fried chicken is a close second I just don't get to eat like that any more

M. Marriage date?
never been married

N. Number of magazine subscriptions?
0, had one once too busy to keep reading

O. Orange or apple?
Apples as in apple pie

P. Phobias?
relapse, not being there for my kids, bad people who would hurt my kids

Q. Quotes?
"Life's a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death!" Auntie Mame

R. Reasons to smile?
waking up to my girls giggles, blowing bubbles in the sunshine, watching my 3 year old in gymnastics class, cooking a great meal, trying something new, going to a birthday meeting, life, everything can make me smile today

S. Season of choice?
Fall, I love watching the leaves change colors and the anticipation for the holidays is so exciting to me

T. Tag 5 people
Woody @ Sobriety
Irish Gumbo @ Irish Gumbo
Fireman John @ Stop, Drop and Recover
J-Online @ J- Online
@ Wearin my Heart on my Sleeve

U. Unknown fact about me?
I once did the make up for the LA Rams cheerleaders, they were playing against the Saints that day.
V. Vegetable?
Tomato, but that's a fruit, Onion is a root, garlic the same, I love corn but it has no real value and squash is a gourd, celery is a root, Carrots, I like carrots, good for my eyes!!

W. Worst habit?
do I need to answer this? oh ok I have a safe one, biting my nails to the quick

X. X-ray or ultrasound?

Y. Your favorite food(s)?
everything, I love to eat a little too much. Chocolate, it is one of my favorite vices today, I don't indulge enough. and for food the #49 at Saigon in Wichita, it is so yummy, Vietnamese food

Z. Zodiac sign
Thanks everyone for reading and for those of you tagged I will stop by and let you know and see if you will play. I guess the questions stay the same and you put in your own answers for today's quote; We take our bearings, daily, from others. To be sane is, to a great extent, to be sociable.—John Updike, 1932-2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Lovely Award

First of all I am very honored by this second award I have been given. Like Lisa, I do not yet know how to post these on my blogs. But hey I figured out the links and I got this picture on my blog so that is progress, and it gives me faith that it won't be long before I can figure the rest out.
The rules are to pick 5 blogs to give this award to, sort of a pay it forward, and in no particular order her are my picks:
Shadow, at 1 Door Away from heaven Part 2
for the wonderful poems and insightful thought provoking way she has with her gift to write. I love to sit and read her poems and slip away for a bit into her fantasy land. Thank you Shadow for your lovely thoughts.
T.T. as she likes to be called, will won't say what those "T's" stand for you can see for yourself at Brand new Year, Brand new Heart
She has such a humorous outlook on life and wonderful thoughts about everyday matters that might not mean so much to the rest of us until we read her lovely blog.
Angel from Here and Now 4 Angel. I really admire her courage to share about the real pains of life and her lovely way of writing it all into some of the most powerful thought provoking poetry today.
Annie from "Hootin Annie's" has a wonderfully uplifting blog, she can take any day and send you down heartfelt memory lane in an instant. Plus she is an Obama gal like myself which I really admire. She has spunk and really knows how to make each day lovely and memorable.
Child is ill from Life as I know it, this is a really new blog up and I believe that she is doing a lovely job posting about recovery and life as she knows it. She is just beginning her journey in the blogging community and I believe she will be a great asset to all of us as time goes by. As for today's thought I had trouble finishing this post and I think it will be twice now that I posted it so without further adieu:
"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never
take any chances."

--Julia Sorrel

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Beautiful Day.

Wow what a beautiful day today is!! I am so grateful for such a gorgeous sunrise coming in my window. I really don't like being sick though. Yep, the sniffles. I went to the womens meeting last night and everyone was sick. So I didn't feel bad for being sick in the meeting. You know that is usually a great reason to talk myself out of going. with "A" being sick now Haley has a cough and Gilly has a runny nose and I have the horrible sniffles. yuck.
I am getting real excited though our regional convention is coming up, I have 6 cases of merchandise in my already stuffed garage. Wes wanted me to have a member of the committee store it at their place but I was not going to keep driving around with it in my vehicle. I really don't mind having it I love being a part of service. It really gives me a sense of ownership in the program. I don't just belong to a meeting I belong to this fellowship and it widens my circle of friends so when things go wrong I have a long list of women to call. They in turn feel safe enough to call me. Oh also our annual sleepover is coming up!! This is not an NA event this is for women in recovery. Women in all the fellowships come together for a night without men, kids, or pets and it is so awesome. If you don't have one in your area, start one it is so much fun!!
Anyway my little ones are needing some attention and I would love to be able to write more, but duty calls. I will be checking out and leaving comments on you all after a while, have a great day everyone. Today's thought: Beautiful Day

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong."--Joseph Chilton Pearce
First I need to apologize to steveroni for not checking if the link worked. OOPS. First time dude I checked and rechecked the Eric Clapton Link as well as Woody's but I just assumed I had yours right.
I don't normally put my daily thought at the beginning but I am really having a time with the decision I made for my oldest daughters medication for her stress. A few friends of mine do not agree with my decision but it is between me and me family, and now you. Ha, Ha, Ha. Anyway we went to the "child shrink" only to find out she was a registered nurse. OK, then we proceeded to answer a variety of questions pertaining to my family and "A's" stress levels. Then after about 30 minutes of questions this nurse decided my daughter had "general anxiety disorder" and her number one medication for this was Prozac. You know my daughter sees a counselor who told her that she could giver her a referral to a kid shrink and they would see her on a weekly basis on top of the regular counseling. Then they would confer with the counselor and family doc to decide what would best meet her needs.
I guess my two biggest issues is that 1.) I feel there really is only some high stress levels with my daughter and she needs to really just chill out. 2.) I don't think someone who has met with my daughter for 30 minutes and typed up answers into some magical formulary on a computer is the right person to pigeon hole my daughter into some demographic and decide she needs an anti- psychotic medication for stress. The other meds she recommended for calming down however are forms of Valium. REALLY, I mean REALLY are these my only choices for helping my daughter learn to deal with stress!! Come one now, she just needs to learn some coping skills. So I asked for the list that the "nurse" was going to recommend and there were about 10 different "mind meds" on it and I told her I was uncomfortable with making a decision on the spot. Could I go home and think about it, and thankfully she said yes. So we went home and had a family sit down in front of the computer and started googling everything. After about 3 hours we were just as confused as before. Go figure. My baby just wants to feel better. We all agree we don't want something that is going to make her feel like she is on a bigger roller coaster than she is now. We also don't want to have her on meds for a very long time. Some of these medications are very hard to get off of and they are all recommended for a year at least.
Her issue is that the military would not accept her if she were on "psycho meds" as she put it. So then I asked "isn't there something like "St. Johns Wart" that helps with anxiety?" And we looked up a couple of herbal options. My thought was if she tries these and nothing happens, well then nothing happens. And if nothing happens I will be willing to go to the counselors choice of shrink and then, if after seeing my kid for a while they recommend Prozac I would be willing to try it. But I will not use it as a first choice. I will not. I also do not think I am playing doctor.
Last night we went to the counselor and I told her what had happened and she agreed with me. And she does not think my daughter needs Prozac. She would know, she has been seeing her for 9 months now. She also is hopeful that the herbs may be enough to help lower my daughters stress levels. We are trying St' Johns Wart and 5-HTP. Both have natural ingredients that work with the bodies natural chemistry.
I have been extremely busy this weekend I only had time to stop by a few blogs and comment. I hope Mary Elizabeth is doing well with her treatment. I love reading up and seeing how everyone is doing and it is like I either have some time to blog or read. So the last few days I read up. Yesterday and today I blogged. And I can link now!! Thanks everybody for helping me figure that out. It is so cool. One day I will be able to put a you tube vid on there. Oh, and something new I now have prescription reading glasses for my computer. Oh it's Wednesday I almost forgot to put a gratitude list.
1. I am grateful for being able to be a stay-at-home mom and watch my beautiful girls grow up. We have such a magical bond today.
2. I am grateful for this blog to help me stay connected with the outside world when sometimes all i have to communicate with are my little ones.
3. I am grateful for the sense of security I have today that my life is in a good financial stable and structured home.
4. I am grateful for my service work. It has given me some much needed self esteem and work ethics, like staying committed. Keeping appointments and having accountability. Not to mention the computer skills I have learned.
5. I am grateful for today, and being able to enjoy the moment. The moment is now, I hope you are enjoying yours.
What are you grateful for today?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

This post is brought to you today by the letter "B"

OK here we are playing the game again. Thanks steveroni for letting me play. Hey everyone look what I learned how to do!! A link I hope the one at the bottom is correct. It is one of my favorite songs and I hope you can enjoy it too. This was a very hard letter, Icould have used all food words but I know my friend Woody over at Sobriety may need an extra nitro pill so I managed to limit the words to just one food item. Enjoy.

1. Bacon- 'nuf said. OK if you want I will elaborate but the word itself sends the beautiful aroma of bacon into your nostrils. Calm down Woody, we don't have any real bacon but I bet your craving some right about now. Your thinking of that commercial, the one with the dog saying "It's Bacon!!!!" yummie.
2. Believe- the dictionary says the meaning of this is to accept as true. I love this word it is very powerful and has helped me with acceptance on seeing a lot of truths in my recovery that I never had the capability to see before.
3. Brave- The dictionary has several definitions for this I like the one about courage. To be brave enough to work the steps to live a new life, that is where I am at today.
4. Bubbles- I love bubbles they are fun to blow with the girls on a warm day. Or to have them in the bath and make funny beards. Bubbles are very magical in a doctors office, they calm down an impatient child and can even make the hurt go away just by using the magic wand. I believe in bubbles.
Did I say Bacon, bacon bacon bacon...
5. Beaches- not the movie but the real thing. I grew up in California and the only thing I miss about it are the beaches. The hot sand between your toes, the smell of the salt in the air, the feel of the warm waves as they crash on your legs. I love beaches. They are a precious gift and a bit of what I think may be in heaven.
6. Begin- To go into the first part of an action, that is where everything starts at the beginning. If we didn't have a beginning we wouldn't know where we came from. I love thinking about beginning which is progress for me because I used to dread it. Today to begin something is exciting for me I am grateful for the word begin.
7. Beacon- A source of light or inspiration. As in a beacon of hope. This is a wonderful way to describe my program of Narcotics Anonymous as my beacon. It has taught me to find the good in things when my whole life was negative. Beacon is, today one of my favorite words, not to be confused with Bacon.
8. Beautiful- I couldn't have a list of fave's without this word. The most beautiful thing about this word is the actual meaning is not what I had grown up thinking it was. The dictionary describes this word as; exciting aesthetic pleasure. I love the exciting pleasure part. It gives the word a whole new poetic sort of meaning, not just looks but a whole new beauty I never knew. Nothing in life was exciting except getting high, today I find excitement in almost everything around me. And I love my beautiful life today.
9. Befriend- To become a friend is a wonderful gift that I have been given in my recovery. I cherish the women in my life today and the fact that I can trust and also be trusted in return. This is definitely a top ten word.
10. Bell Bottom Blues- Thank you Eric Clapton for this wonderful song.