Saturday, February 21, 2009

My Honesty Award

Thank you Cliff from "Gone Banana's" for giving me this. I do appreciate it. I don't know how to feel right now. I just got done with a photo shoot at a wedding and it is the first real work I have had in four years. I have a beautiful family with 3 of the most darling girls anyone could ask for. I have been blessed in so many ways I cannot express the gratitude for my life today. We had a wonderful Valentines Dance last week with over 80 members in attendance. A friend of mine was able to bring her beautiful little baby for everyone to see. We were all so happy because she had been in the hospital and we sent out a prayer chain throughout the fellowship on behalf of Bella and she was able to come home. Such a blessing and joy this adventure of life we live. And then yesterday morning I got a text to land line message to pray for Sara, her baby just died. I feel so guilty to be so blessed. My emotions are all over the map. I cannot fix this. I am so very powerless and I CAN imagine the pain of losing my baby. I am so grateful we all got to see her last week and so very, very sad today. I mean my GOD how, why?!? And I cannot do anything but be the bearer of bad news to the region. As regional secretary, I have access to everybody's email address and of course I knew my cue was to inform everyone to pray and to let them know what I knew. I then proceeded to get a hundred phone calls asking "What happened?" Of course all I could say was I don't know. So today I got the call to announce the Celebration of little Bella's Life scheduled on Monday. So I did. Yesterday all I did was play with my babies and wondered why I was so blessed and how other women I know have suffered the loss of their babies. And as I was sitting outside with my girls a calm wave of serenity came over me and I realized, the moment I found out I was having my baby, the moment each of us decides to be mothers, that this is the chance we take. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, not even children. All we have is today, this moment, now. All I can do is be the best mother I can be today, and I am not guaranteed tomorrow. So I need to appreciate every precious moment now. I feel every feeling today and I appreciate every feeling today. The good ones and the hard ones. I no longer hide from life today and I don't know why I get it and others don't. All I know is that this works for me, so I will gratefully take another 24.
That is honesty for me today. As for who I wish to give this award to, the winners are;
1. steveroni of Another Sober Alcoholic. Steve just finished sharing his take on the 12 Traditions of AA and has an intriguing way of being witty, humorous and fun loving. Check out his blog and tell him hi!!
2. Indigo of Scream Quietly. If you want to see honesty go visit this blog. I am talking about honesty to the "nth" degree and to see someone persevere, this is the blog to see. This is definitely a well deserved award for Indigo. She is about as honest as it gets. I love honest bloggers.
3. Woody of Sobriety fame. Woody has an inspiring story of getting "sober" I call it "clean" he is funny, sometimes insane and downright as honest as a newcomer can be. This depth of honesty will get him far in recovery and the life he is looking for. Woody's honesty about his sobriety and life with his family is not only very humbling at times it is simply inspiring. Go on over and check him out and you will see what I mean. Oh by the way Happy 60 days Woody!!!
4. Lou over at Subdural Flow is a refreshing mother who shares about her life and her pains in having an addict for a son. As an addict in recovery, I find Lou's point of view very insightful and I am grateful to hear a mother share the pains she deals with in her life. My mother never really expressed the pains I put her through, and I am grateful to Lou for sharing the pains she goes through, honestly as a mother.
5. Angel over at Here and Now 4 Angel, not only has one of the most beautiful looking blogs out there. The depth of honesty that Angel shares in her poems and daily thoughts is so profound. There is a lot of pain and sadness in her share as she honestly shares the tough realities we women sometimes have to survive, and there is strength and courage as well as being able to see her go through the healing process to get to the other side. Angel is a gift to the blogging community, a gift of honesty, strength and hope stop on by and you too will see what I mean.
For all of you who I have given this award to thank you for your courage to share your life honestly and for the insight that it gives me to get through the rough times like today. Now you can give this to the blogs you find honest and sincere for my list of 10 honest things about me:
1. I truly love my life today.
2. I was an active addict who shot dope on a daily basis.
3. I never meant to hurt my mother.
4. I abandoned my daughter for my addiction.
5. I have a secret wish, I want to be married.
6. I love to live in the moment and enjoy the sanity in my life when I do.
7. I really miss my mom and dad, I don't say it enough.
8. I still have a very low self esteem.
9. I no longer hate the person I see in the mirror.
10. I am grateful for the person I am becoming, and grateful that my two young daughters have never seen me high.
This is "My Honest Scrap" and for my thought today; "We can experience pain, grief, sadness, anger, frustration—all those feelings we once avoided with drugs. We find that we can get through those emotions clean. We won’t die and the world won’t come to an end just because we have uncomfortable feelings. We learn to trust that we can survive what each day brings." Just for today: "I will demonstrate my trust in God by experiencing this day just as it is." From February 16th Just for Today daily NA meditation book.


Mike Golch said...

Congrats on the award.

Shadow said...

truly moving honest things... especially no. 9. i'm glad!

Syd said...

Congratulations on the award.You are honest and it comes through in what you write. Hope that you have a good Sunday. I mailed your gift so you have it soon.

Angel said...

I just wanted to thank you so much for the award and all of your kind words and comments on my blog. I truly appreciate them. I am also so sorry for the loss of your friends baby. The loss of a child has to be one of the most devastating of all losses. This was a beautiful and insightful post.
Much love and hugs,

Lou said...

Thank you so much! Your honesty & gratitude are an inspiration to ME. I think some of the best people in the world are the recovered addict. They don't judge, they understand how anyone can end up in the depths of hell. They laugh at the small stuff, because they know what the big stuff really is. I'm going to see my Momma for a week, but when I get back, I'll do this!

sKILLz said...

Congrats on the Award. I love Lou & her blog, been a groupie since way back.
Just started reading yours, I think you have a new reader.

Your right the world wont end if we feel those feelings we avoid with drugs, I just haven't gotten to that point in my life where I'm ready to feel like that.
I don't use everyday but I know in NA if your on Methadone "they" don't consider you clean.
Anyways wishing you nothing but the best, and I will be in touch..
Stay Up!